Haven't had the easiest life and, for most of it, I was really distressed. I've been suicidal plenty of times but, before, it was in a panicked, trapped in a burning building kind of way. I begged for help, any help. Looked everywhere for connection and recognition. Obsessed over understanding myself and what I had experienced. Tried all the typical neoliberal avenues of self focus and self improvement. Dove deep into systems theory and community action when that (predictably) failed. The suicidality never left me and, ironically, I think the panicked nature of it is what kept me from being able to effectively ctb.
However, these last few years, I find I am weirdly calm. I'm not panicked by the prospect of more suffering. It's not that I'm not suffering, it's just that I fully expect the suffering and am no longer surprised or overtly distressed by it. Maybe I've just completely and totally lost all hope? From the outside, I look like I'm doing mostly ok I guess. People seem to assume so, anyway. Or maybe they are just content because I've mostly stopped asking anything of anyone. I wake up each day and do whatever I have to do without complaint. I look after the people I care about. I do the basic day to day tasks. I watch calmly as not just my own world, but wider society continues to disintegrate. Watch helplessly as my health continues to fail. But, always, calmly. I don't cry. I don't rage. I don't look anywhere for relief that I think I know now isn't coming.
It doesn't feel like much effort anymore. I don't even know what it is I am running on these days. Just running for the sake of running at this point?
Anyway, does this sound familiar to anyone? I think I may actually be the closest I've ever been to the edge because the panic is gone. It's just a matter of settling on the right method now.
However, these last few years, I find I am weirdly calm. I'm not panicked by the prospect of more suffering. It's not that I'm not suffering, it's just that I fully expect the suffering and am no longer surprised or overtly distressed by it. Maybe I've just completely and totally lost all hope? From the outside, I look like I'm doing mostly ok I guess. People seem to assume so, anyway. Or maybe they are just content because I've mostly stopped asking anything of anyone. I wake up each day and do whatever I have to do without complaint. I look after the people I care about. I do the basic day to day tasks. I watch calmly as not just my own world, but wider society continues to disintegrate. Watch helplessly as my health continues to fail. But, always, calmly. I don't cry. I don't rage. I don't look anywhere for relief that I think I know now isn't coming.
It doesn't feel like much effort anymore. I don't even know what it is I am running on these days. Just running for the sake of running at this point?
Anyway, does this sound familiar to anyone? I think I may actually be the closest I've ever been to the edge because the panic is gone. It's just a matter of settling on the right method now.
