Is anyone else envious of their non-suicidal family/friends/partner?

[Ultracheese]

I recognize that I'm very fortunate that I have a partner who I love and who feels the same way about me. It's fascinating how differently we view the world, not just due to opposite personalities and age difference, but our views on suicide.

My partner has only ever considered suicide once, shortly after his divorce. He said it was something brief that crossed his mind and he said he soon realized that "it was irrational." He said it was a fleeting thought before he realized it didn't "come from him." I wasn't entirely sure what he meant.

To me, and this is a totally subjective opinion, but suicide seems to be one of the most rational things you can do. It's taking control of the inevitability and unpredictable nature of death. I have always been an obsessive thinker and it doesn't surprise me that I constantly fixate on suicide. They show statistics that say that a lot of people have had suicidal thoughts, but I suspect these are more of the "fleeting" kind that my partner describes, rather than the consistent pattern of my thoughts.

So I was wondering what this forum's feelings are on that. Are you jealous of your family/friends/partner who don't deal with suicidal thoughts? Do you feel like your thoughts are worse than those you know who have dealt with similar feelings?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I'm envious of people who are living the life that I wish I could have, even strangers. Heck, I am even envious of some people here. However, their struggles are very valid and I wish them the best no matter what their decision is.

 

[NambaSutra]

Yes. I'm envious of my own wife who is a pro-lifer. We don't get along well. I used to share suicidal thoughts with her but I don't anymore. Honestly it's a terrible marriage now, one more reason to CTB.

 

[pharmacoepia]

I think when he says "it is irrational" he thinks that it is a fleeting feeling that goes away fast. He's simply never been in the shoes of someone who is depressed.

For a pro-lifer, life is the best gift to have been breathed into their soul. For a depressed person, quite the opposite!

Hope that gave you an understanding for the thoughts of the neurotypical.

 

[Avyn]

I used to be sooo jealous of non suicidal friends and partners, but that changed when I realized that suicide is a normal and rational thing to do.
If I had the choice to stop and be "normal", I wouldn't. Even if it is on my mind every second of the day.

 

[unplug]

I tend to be envious

 

[Glandular]

I'm envious of every person without a chronic diseases. Especially if people seemingly don't care about their health but are still healthy. It drives me crazy because I basically did (mostly) everything right but I still got sick.

 

[Mortalist]

Not the result (which is me CTB someday), but the path that let to it. The bullshit I had to take during my childhood in general, and at home from my parents. So yea, I would wonder why I can't have what others are getting, like my brother. Would make me very jealous from time to time.
There just is so much...

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I'm envious of people who can function and live their life. I wish I still enjoyed life and wasn't messed around with my mental illnesses & psychosis.

If I could go back to when I liked living I would. The days were much brighter there but I guess I really don't like living. I'm not really jealous of anyone who has recovered. I'm taking my path - wish I did a bit sooner but oh well, It'll be all over soon right?

 

[Ambivalent1]

Yes somewhat.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I used to be. I mean, I hate the idea that most people walk into the life that I seemingly have to fly to. They're just given stuff that's too much to ask of my life. It's like my life was a "trial version", and that things like friendships, love, money, and satisfying work were reserved for those who life loved. Not me, though. So, yeah, I kinda did sometimes. Now, I just want out.

 

[epic]

I wish I had no serious physical ailment like them but I'm not jealous .

 

[charlotte_]

I wish I could enjoy life and see the better in everything like my mom. She's a full on pro lifer. She always tell me that everything could be changed if I just view it differently. Heck, like I haven't tried that already. I wish pro lifers could just understand that some of us cannot feel enjoyment or fulfilled even if we try

 

[offbalance]

Honestly yeah but I also consider myself more rational than them.

It's a strange place to be in…

 

[ringo99]

I hate to admit it but sometimes yeah. But I switch off and just forget about them and retreat into my own head. Dwelling on it would drive me mad

 

[loyalskateboard]

Yes. I feel like such an awful person but sometimes my mother's toxic positivity even annoys me. She has never felt suicidal a day in her life. I know she's trying her best and it's not malicious but it makes me feel terrible. We have had very different lives

 

[Azora]

If you have friends and a romantic partner that you love then you're already in a higher life bracket than me and someone I'd be jealous of. Since you admit that you're fortunate, maybe consider not contemplating suicide and appreciate all that you have.

 

[woh6]

Maybe a bit, because of how it seems they can go through life so easily and have hope, plans, etc that they can fulfill. Personally, my sadness and suicidalness cause me to be unable to do anything meaningful, I constantly feel like a failure. I recognize the part you mentioned about thinking suicide is rational. The people with whom I've shared my suicidal thoughts, never seem to understand it. They find it scary, they think considering it is too much, though it seems perfectly normal to me. Makes me wonder what caused us to think like this, because I don't think I could ever see suicide as something 'scary' or 'dumb' or 'irrational', so how come others see it so differently?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure if I'm envious as such because I suppose I can't imagine seeing the world differently than I do. I suppose I wonder what it would be like to be an optimist. But then, I wonder how much of that is an act.

My Dad has hinted that he has had suicidal thoughts in the past. I think he had/has such a strong sense of duty to his family that he snapped himself out of it. I have some sense of duty- in that I'm now holding on for him. However- mine is less- I don't have any real intention of 'getting better' or- turning my life around. I suppose I admire his selflessness over that. I think some people pretend to be happy for the sake of others. I'm not convinced they actually feel like that all the time. I do admire that really. I'm too selfish for that really.

I think there are also genuine optimists too. I guess I just find them curious- like a different species almost! I suppose I do wonder whether life is easier when you don't feel persecuted by your very existence! Plus- I'd LOVE to have the confidence that I expect goes hand in hand with their optimism.

 

[gap]

I'm not evious, I'm just sad about how my life is going.
When you accumulate physical and mental pain, it doesn't matter how the others are, it's me who isn't well.

 

[LittleJem]

not envious. I just feel guilty about being so depressed, mute and miserable around them. I want them all to be happy.

 

[Mothgirl]

At the end of all of this, it won't matter anyway. When existence is over, none of us will feel anything. Everyone who ever existed 200 years ago – happy, sad, depressed, content – is feeling nothing now, with no memories. And with no memories, there was never an existence in the first place. So while I feel myself getting jealous over how happy others can be, I also know that the end of the universe will be a blink of an eye for all of us in time, and I'd never care to live their lives in spite of that jealousy

 

[Proxycake]

I am jealous whenever I see high-school girls. I wish I were them, even if I am a male.

 

[unsaiddes]

My partner experiences bouts of suicidality and I have mixed feelings on it. They've suffered much more trauma than I have, but are also much more afraid of death than I am so way less likely to do anything.

I'm a little jealous that they have more "valid" reasons to be mentally ill in general, and a little annoyed at the dichotomy of being suicidal and scared to die. I'd never tell them but I get kind of competitive about it; it's probably the toxic individuality complex. At the same time I envy non-suicidal people just for being better than me overall in terms of talent, opportunities, popularity, looks and more.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm definitely envious of anyone who isn't suicidal and has a life that doesn't make them so, whatever it nay look like.

 

[Tobacco]

I feel jealous of other people. Not just because they aren't suicidal. I feel bad because of what life took away from me. Before that I was a firm believer of the Law of Attraction but it failed me. I'm thankful for not having a physical chronic disease (because I do have autism, schizophrenia and probably OCD) so waking up as a billionaire would probably make 90% of my problems go away.

 

[rain26]

I recognize that I'm very fortunate that I have a partner who I love and who feels the same way about me. It's fascinating how differently we view the world, not just due to opposite personalities and age difference, but our views on suicide.

My partner has only ever considered suicide once, shortly after his divorce. He said it was something brief that crossed his mind and he said he soon realized that "it was irrational." He said it was a fleeting thought before he realized it didn't "come from him." I wasn't entirely sure what he meant.

To me, and this is a totally subjective opinion, but suicide seems to be one of the most rational things you can do. It's taking control of the inevitability and unpredictable nature of death. I have always been an obsessive thinker and it doesn't surprise me that I constantly fixate on suicide. They show statistics that say that a lot of people have had suicidal thoughts, but I suspect these are more of the "fleeting" kind that my partner describes, rather than the consistent pattern of my thoughts.

So I was wondering what this forum's feelings are on that. Are you jealous of your family/friends/partner who don't deal with suicidal thoughts? Do you feel like your thoughts are worse than those you know who have dealt with similar feelings?

Im not envious of those who dont deal with suicidal thoughts but I am envious of those around me who are "normal" because I am autistic and I wish I was better at communicating and relationships

 

[Sapphire]

I'm not envious of them. I'm glad that they are happy. I hope that they never feel suicidal.

 

[Kerrtu]

I don't feel any jealousy, no.

By the time I was born, our mother was a radical Jehovah's Witness. It was indoctrinated to avoid materialism, "worldly people". People who were believed to be in a sense blind to the realities of the world and of course, believed to be wiped out in the Armageddon. I was taught worldly people wouldn't make it to "the new system", as JW's refer to the paradise after the Armageddon.

This concept created a great sadness very early in my life; I couldn't articulate it in my kindergarten years, but looking back, I did feel almost like this invisible observer of my peers. I couldn't make sense why Jehovah would wipe them out. I was resigned to the mental prison of the core Jehovah's Witness beliefs/teachings and had no jealousy, only immense grief, worry, concern, etc. for others.

Leaving the Kingdom Hall was a shock for sure. Suddenly I was allowed to celebrate what I'd been taught would destroy any chance of my survival in the "any moment now" Armageddon.

This image from the children's bible study was particularly terrifying growing up -



(depiction of Jezebel)

Eventually I found secret solace in a more believable God…



Edit to add: In my life I've met many people who would seem to "have it all" yet want to die. As they say, one never truly knows what is happening in another's mind - regardless of circumstance (blue collar, white collar, exorbitant wealth, poverty, perceived physical beauty, etc.) My mind does not go to jealousy, my mind tries to relate. I wasn't voted most caring and compassionate student in grade 6 for nothing

 

[87316]

I'm not sure, but i'd say no. The only two things i'd be jealous of is the fact that they don't have to think about it all - choosing the right method, gathering up the courage to actually do it, waiting for the right time and so on, as well as the fact that they live a life where they're not held back by people trying to stop them from what could bring them eternal peace - not living a life where everyone is trying to keep you in a constant state of suffering just because their own selfishness causes them to believe that this is what is morally right rather than at least trying to understand what goes on in the mind of a person who's made the decision to CTB. Other than that, i'm content with my decision, i am happy knowing that whatever bad happens to me won't matter for a long time and i won't have to live with the guilt of my wrongdoings and mistakes, knowing that there is always an option relieves me from any kind of stress that i'd have when CTB wasn't a thing i'd ever consider.