LastFlowers
the haru that can read
- Apr 27, 2019
- 2,170
I relate to a lot of what you've said, I am basically completely isolated and only talk to my mother. I hardly ever leave my home, I don't see anyone besides my parents.
I have to remain this way as to avoid any more trauma, but none of my family is interested in me, as a person, regardless.
The way they see me is worse than the reality in which I view myself through.
I'm not going to be around people where my only purpose is to take up empty space and make them feel better about themselves, all while I sit back and watch them treat others with the type of care they never displayed toward me, someone who actually deserved it and internally begged for it.
I have no friends. The ones I had when I was younger still treated me as a second class friendship, I never felt secure, even in platonic relationships, it was more of a convenience rather than a true investment in me as a human being. Some were better than others, but I usually was made to feel like I was "less than", and on thin ice, though I had not done anything to justify it.
The closest I've come to recent friends is conversing with people online (this site included) and previously finding a few decent people I spoke with over the phone for awhile, but because we were all suffering (the very reason for the initial connection), things got a little out of hand and I am currently unable to be supportive nor be much of a friend-as I have every intention of killing myself and putting an end to this misery, I am at my wit's end.
I did not get to have all the experiences that most people my age have had by now, not by a long shot. Even my education, something I put stock into, was cut short because of the social aspect of school which was so unkind toward me.
I too, was discriminated against heavily for my appearance (btw if you have legitimate concerns and have been bullied, BDD is a very dismissive diagnosis and can be incredibly damaging to those who are not actually attractive nor delusional) and my looks made me an unfortunate anomaly which began the domino effect which has effectively destroyed my life.
Now I suffer the consequences of not only being trapped inside a flesh prison that I am forced to filter every essence of my being through, but I also suffer the pitfalls of someone who has learned to exist by way of fear and thus, avoidance.
Not only do I look like shit, I now have nothing else to show for the years I have been stuck in the mud, suffering pointlessly, unable to move forward or succeed in anything. (Even my appearance itself has gotten leagues worse, for various reasons, like the universe playing a sick joke.)
I was also never able to express myself as I desired to, was never able to self-actualize because I had to play by other's rules, always on the defensive, never able to go on the offense and give my honest opinion, or else I risked being attacked with the low blows, which would of course hurt me.
I never got to be ME. I never got to be a fucking person!
Because of that, I have less than nothing to live for.
And you bet your ass that I am the one who is blamed for it, and expected to live with it until I die of natural causes.
The worst part about the type of hell I have endured, is the trivialization and the fingers pointed at me, simply for succumbing to the things outside of my control, which society used to poke and taunt me, discarding me as invisible or only worth insults. Yet somehow, still, the onus is on me!?
Fuck that. I'm done with this world, and all the people in it.
You are right, we were set up to fail, we are treated as less than animals, and then treated even worse for yielding to the wounds inflicted upon us!
The definition of kicking a dying/dead horse.
I have to remain this way as to avoid any more trauma, but none of my family is interested in me, as a person, regardless.
The way they see me is worse than the reality in which I view myself through.
I'm not going to be around people where my only purpose is to take up empty space and make them feel better about themselves, all while I sit back and watch them treat others with the type of care they never displayed toward me, someone who actually deserved it and internally begged for it.
I have no friends. The ones I had when I was younger still treated me as a second class friendship, I never felt secure, even in platonic relationships, it was more of a convenience rather than a true investment in me as a human being. Some were better than others, but I usually was made to feel like I was "less than", and on thin ice, though I had not done anything to justify it.
The closest I've come to recent friends is conversing with people online (this site included) and previously finding a few decent people I spoke with over the phone for awhile, but because we were all suffering (the very reason for the initial connection), things got a little out of hand and I am currently unable to be supportive nor be much of a friend-as I have every intention of killing myself and putting an end to this misery, I am at my wit's end.
I did not get to have all the experiences that most people my age have had by now, not by a long shot. Even my education, something I put stock into, was cut short because of the social aspect of school which was so unkind toward me.
I too, was discriminated against heavily for my appearance (btw if you have legitimate concerns and have been bullied, BDD is a very dismissive diagnosis and can be incredibly damaging to those who are not actually attractive nor delusional) and my looks made me an unfortunate anomaly which began the domino effect which has effectively destroyed my life.
Now I suffer the consequences of not only being trapped inside a flesh prison that I am forced to filter every essence of my being through, but I also suffer the pitfalls of someone who has learned to exist by way of fear and thus, avoidance.
Not only do I look like shit, I now have nothing else to show for the years I have been stuck in the mud, suffering pointlessly, unable to move forward or succeed in anything. (Even my appearance itself has gotten leagues worse, for various reasons, like the universe playing a sick joke.)
I was also never able to express myself as I desired to, was never able to self-actualize because I had to play by other's rules, always on the defensive, never able to go on the offense and give my honest opinion, or else I risked being attacked with the low blows, which would of course hurt me.
I never got to be ME. I never got to be a fucking person!
Because of that, I have less than nothing to live for.
And you bet your ass that I am the one who is blamed for it, and expected to live with it until I die of natural causes.
The worst part about the type of hell I have endured, is the trivialization and the fingers pointed at me, simply for succumbing to the things outside of my control, which society used to poke and taunt me, discarding me as invisible or only worth insults. Yet somehow, still, the onus is on me!?
Fuck that. I'm done with this world, and all the people in it.
You are right, we were set up to fail, we are treated as less than animals, and then treated even worse for yielding to the wounds inflicted upon us!
The definition of kicking a dying/dead horse.
