Yeah, it's the only reason. I can physically feel it. Started planning once I managed to self treat severe social anxiety. No meds, just worked on it. Realised the loneliness came from inside. I don't feel for other people. There's no one who's face I want to see, if I wrote a note I wouldn't have anyone I'd want to speak to. It used to be there a bit but it's really gone now (14 months). I think having felt it (maman died 3 years ago) having felt that weight the world is just very very bare when you can't love. Can't seem to make anyone mean anything to me . There's things I like, I love my work.. I want to go to this particular music festival, I'd like to see the van gogh gallery, there's some things. But there is no future, essentially. It doesn't go away. There is coping, there is distraction, but life will essentially be bare from here. I can't even feel a little friendship. Just the anticipation of seeing a person - not for the sake of being around someone (I am unfortunately painfully extroverted) but because of THAT particular person being meaningful to you - will never happen to me again. Some people might not need that. Some people are ok with coping. I don't want to cope, I want to live. This isn't life, to me. I don't know anyone, I just don't know anyone, and no one knows me. So I am doing a few nice things, and in the next few years, I'll know when I'm ready. I can still feel a little pleasure, I like dancing, I'd like to use up what I have, but I'm not going anywhere. It's ended - it never really began. What is there to be upset about?