You can feel the punishment but you cant commit ts
Jun 29, 2020
I don't really experience loneliness. Given a choice, I'd much rather be alone.

Guess I'm an introvert... but another part of it is I seem to feel all relationships -- at their core -- have some kind of manipulation going on. Everybody seems to me always trying to "get something" from the other.

Maybe I'm wrong... or maybe that's "just life". But, I see that in others and I see it in myself... and I don't like it at all.

"Loneliness" is wanting something. All wanting is a bad thing. Enough bad things and this whole enterprise is unworthy of our time = ctb.
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Oct 21, 2020
Yeah, it's the only reason. I can physically feel it. Started planning once I managed to self treat severe social anxiety. No meds, just worked on it. Realised the loneliness came from inside. I don't feel for other people. There's no one who's face I want to see, if I wrote a note I wouldn't have anyone I'd want to speak to. It used to be there a bit but it's really gone now (14 months). I think having felt it (maman died 3 years ago) having felt that weight the world is just very very bare when you can't love. Can't seem to make anyone mean anything to me . There's things I like, I love my work.. I want to go to this particular music festival, I'd like to see the van gogh gallery, there's some things. But there is no future, essentially. It doesn't go away. There is coping, there is distraction, but life will essentially be bare from here. I can't even feel a little friendship. Just the anticipation of seeing a person - not for the sake of being around someone (I am unfortunately painfully extroverted) but because of THAT particular person being meaningful to you - will never happen to me again. Some people might not need that. Some people are ok with coping. I don't want to cope, I want to live. This isn't life, to me. I don't know anyone, I just don't know anyone, and no one knows me. So I am doing a few nice things, and in the next few years, I'll know when I'm ready. I can still feel a little pleasure, I like dancing, I'd like to use up what I have, but I'm not going anywhere. It's ended - it never really began. What is there to be upset about?
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Feb 20, 2020
Yep. I'm lonely. It'd be nice to have someone there with me when I die; it's going to be hard to die alone. Apart from that I don't think it makes it harder to kill myself though.


Mar 22, 2020
I used to think I needed to find someone in order not to be such a suicidal guy. However, it didn't work. I found a lovely person, probably the love of my life and we even lived together in my apartment but in the end, I wanted my space and my loneliness because I missed them so much...!
I guess depression always wins the battles in my brain and puts me away from all the people who like/love me.

Hope this suffering ends by 2021.
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Aug 18, 2020
But does it also make it hard to ctb as well? For me it’s hard because when I’m lonely, i just want to find someone and not die.
I think many people have the same problem, "IT SEEMS LIKE WE HAVE NOBODY TO CONNECT TO OR WE CAN'T FIND ANYBODY TO CONNECT TO". It's very hard. Being "alone" for some free time and personal chores is nice, but being "alone with nobody there even if you wanted" can hurt. It makes you feel like maybe you pushed people away or they just have a reason not to like you or your bot worth thier time. These are all destructive thoughts. This qorld is designed that way. Nobody makes friends anymore or it seems that way. Plus recent events added to this. We have sheltered ourselves in a way and it will always hurt. None of us want to be alone. What a horrible thing that is to be alone. If someone can, go find a friend or an old friend or borrow someone's friend. This place kinda helps for conversation at least but iys not like we are sharing coffee or walks or whatever.
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Sep 11, 2020
Yes ,definitely a part of it for me.