Venting Irrational pain over a fictional character making me want to die

[borderline-feline]

If it helps in any amount...

I had quite a breakdown over the final of a manga. It was in part because of what happened to one of the characters aaaand... Because I used to relate that character with me , so in a way I felt hurt.


I do understand I sound insane..

I don't think you sound insane

If I may ask, what manga was it?

 

[MidnightCat]

I don't think you sound insane

If I may ask, what manga was it?

Domestic na kanojo.

TLDR..

Spoiler: spoiler about the manga

Girl who actually tried its best, was genuinely helping, caring, loving the main character...

Gets pushed off to the side for pity for other girl (DRAMA ON: Her sister)

After almost 300 chapters, reading it week after week, and relating to her trying its best even when things where pretty rough...

Boom. It did not matter at all. And that is something that terrifies me irl.

I spent the next 2 weeks pretty hurt for that.

 

[kanashikunaika]

Can't remember where I read this, but I think that once you've been watching/reading a character for so long, your brain starts to see them as a real person, and in this case, it sounds like you got extremely attached to them, to the point where their character worked like a foundation for you (just guessing tho, very well could be wrong). I wouldn't say that this is common, but it's not surprising if you truly felt attached to them. Your brain probably feels like it was just betrayed by its closest friend, or that its dear sibling was murdered.

I have some advice if you want it, if not, feel free to ignore it.

Spoiler: Advice

I would take the time to properly grieve this character. The character you loved is now gone, replaced by something you don't recognize. Accepting that they are gone could help you to move on, even though it's painful. Fictional characters are nice because they don't die, but due to the actions of the creators, sometimes they do.
It also feels like thinking about this character is filling up a lot of your thoughts. If you want to find some ways to think of something else, you could try learning an instrument or filling in a coloring book. You don't have to be good at these things *at all,* just need to focus on them enough to get your mind off of the character for a bit. Even if you burn the paper afterward, it takes your mind off things.

I know you want to hold on to the anger and resentment for the creator and the loss of your character, but hopefully, you'll accept in time that the character you knew is gone now, and you should grieve for them properly.

 

[borderline-feline]

Can't remember where I read this, but I think that once you've been watching/reading a character for so long, your brain starts to see them as a real person, and in this case, it sounds like you got extremely attached to them, to the point where their character worked like a foundation for you (just guessing tho, very well could be wrong). I wouldn't say that this is common, but it's not surprising if you truly felt attached to them. Your brain probably feels like it was just betrayed by its closest friend, or that its dear sibling was murdered.

I have some advice if you want it, if not, feel free to ignore it.

Spoiler: Advice

I would take the time to properly grieve this character. The character you loved is now gone, replaced by something you don't recognize. Accepting that they are gone could help you to move on, even though it's painful. Fictional characters are nice because they don't die, but due to the actions of the creators, sometimes they do.
It also feels like thinking about this character is filling up a lot of your thoughts. If you want to find some ways to think of something else, you could try learning an instrument or filling in a coloring book. You don't have to be good at these things *at all,* just need to focus on them enough to get your mind off of the character for a bit. Even if you burn the paper afterward, it takes your mind off things.

I know you want to hold on to the anger and resentment for the creator and the loss of your character, but hopefully, you'll accept in time that the character you knew is gone now, and you should grieve for them properly.

I don't think my brain views him as a real person. I have different mental illnesses.

I think it's probably a manifestation of my obsessive nature from BPD, combined with things that I can't talk about here. I don't know if it's been studied as a concept, but I think my brain categorized him into "favorite person" territory, despite knowing on all levels that he isn't real.

The advice is sound for the most part though. The problem is that I can't pick up new skills. It's not just incompetence, but also rage. I get uncontrollably angry when I fail at things, and failure is part of progressing, so I have to give up.

It's not just that I want to hold onto anger and resentment, but that it wouls feel like betraying him. I know that that seems to contradict what I said earlier, but borderline personality disorder is a bitch.

If I let go of the anger and hatred, then I would feel like a terrible person, which is a common feeling for me anyway. I don't want to feel more pain by abandoning him, especially since abandonment is one of the most awful things a person can do.