Venting Intrusive, hardly controllable suicidal thoughts

[DarknessInMe]

To start with: I don't really know if this is the right section for this thread, but it doesn't really fit in the recovery section and it's obviously not off-topic, so I hope it fits here somehow.

I'm suffering from a severe depressive episode since the beginning of 2021 and am somehow chronic suicidal for about three years now. Not reaching a specific intensity, these thoughts and all the symptoms related to them often feel somehow relieving and, being in contrast to these thoughts themselves, helpful to "survive" (as I could theoretically end the pain by ctbing).
However, about every two or three months, I reach a point where it feels like my thoughts get extremely intense, I can hardly control them and am extremely agitated.
On top of that, my feelings of guilt and thought of "being not sick enough to get help" are reaching a point where I cannot differentiate between them and the reality. This is really difficult to describe and extremely hard to deal with.
Has anyone experienced this before? I'm afraid to be the only one with these symptoms.

 

[UKscotty]

Definitely not the only one, I'd hazard a guess almost everyone here is in the same boat. Depression is evil, it sucks all joy and happiness out of life and tells us we are perfectly normal and well.

Just when things get really bad, it gives us temporary hope, just to bring it all down again, days, months or years later. Even in the good days, we know its just a matter of time until its back again.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello and I'm so sorry to hear what you've endured. But thank you for sharing, and as @UKscotty said you're not alone.

I'm suffering from a severe depressive episode since the beginning of 2021 and am somehow chronic suicidal for about three years now. Not reaching a specific intensity, these thoughts and all the symptoms related to them often feel somehow relieving and, being in contrast to these thoughts themselves, helpful to "survive" (as I could theoretically end the pain by ctbing).

Suicidal thoughts is one of my coping methods as well. I'm 36 now and the thoughts has been my relief since 8. Currently I'm not actively suicidal but I have a rope and a "DIY gallows kit" which I can compose whenever I try to hang myself, and this kit is helping me to survive, too. I think I can end everything when it turns really unbearable and my survival instinct is weakened. I once attempted partial hanging.

However, about every two or three months, I reach a point where it feels like my thoughts get extremely intense, I can hardly control them and am extremely agitated.

I no longer slip into this state of mind, but in 2018 I started to ingest harmful liquid because I thought if I were lucky I'd die from it. It was uncontrollable and I thought I had to do that until the liquid kills me, and I told my psychiatrist I can't stop it. I ended up in a psych ward then.
I'm so sorry - it sounds terrifying.

On top of that, my feelings of guilt and thought of "being not sick enough to get help" are reaching a point where I cannot differentiate between them and the reality. This is really difficult to describe and extremely hard to deal with.

In 2014 I thought I was depressed but I knew I wasn't "sick enough," so I decided to cut my arm purposefully to get medical attention. It was never easy to self-harm deliberately, so I practiced, practiced and practiced - and finally I successfully made wounds on my arm. I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me a diagnosis of "neurosis" (the archaic name of "generalized anxiety disorder") and gave me a benzo.

I still have scars on my forearm. I wish nobody didn't have to do that in order to get help.
You're sick enough to get help, because you're suffering. But I understand medical professionals are dismissive. And many people who couldn't get help end up on this forum...

Thank you for reading and I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

 

[DarknessInMe]

Thank you both, @LoiteringClouds and @UKscotty, so much for your answers, it was really relieving to hear that.

 

[fleetingnight]

I don't have much advice, I don't really know how to cope with my instrusive thoughts either. I will say though, if it helps, you're definitely sick enough to deserve help, it sounds like you have been for a while. Intrusive thoughts are terrifying.