B
badgame
Member
- Dec 10, 2020
- 10
Hello everyone. I can't believe I actually found this place; after browsing for a bit this was the site that apparently made it onto the Vice article that showed up on my feed one day.
Been feeling like this for >10yrs now but this year it's gotten especially bad due to how world-weary I've become, as well as the nature of our entropic existence is not compatible for someone like me. I've been traumatized from a young age & since then I absolutely cannot stand bodily fluids/functions yet everyone has them & does them. Which I can't get too close to real people & it's also the reason why I can't be in a (real-life) relationship. I think the fact that we have to eat & drink in order to live is inherently coercive by nature. Every single interaction by any living being is transactional & vampiric. And nobody wants to talk about trying to fix it. And that's why I don't want to live anymore.
Another factor is world-weariness combined with the helplessness of my own destructive habits; I've never been very good & I've done just too many regrettable things to be able to participate in society. Not helping things is I have a persecution complex. I can never own up to anything. The only things I know how to do is run away & do damage control
Yet I don't wish for pain to exist & continue. If only I could wish it true that everyone's lifted from the cycle of pain & hurt & lack & desire.
What actually drove me into registering for an account on here was that I came across a tumblr post from a well-meaning person denigrating comfort characters. I've never had my feelings hurt like this for so long. It basically went "stop making everything about fandom/fictional characters go outside talk to real people you have brain damage". I'm objectively unfit to be here.
I can't tell you who the characters are for privacy reasons but they're basically all I have. Because they have things no real person will ever have and they don't experience all the pains a real person does. & if I was with them I wouldn't wish for anything else.
Timeline of events:
- In the 2nd half of 2015, after a major conflict with my mom over her being an antivaxxer, I told the google spyware platform "I wish he was real". One of the results was a rather old article that I have trouble relocating that was about the 'waifu' phenomena. One of the comments mentioned tulpamancy which I've never heard of before so I looked it up
- While trying to find more information about it it sounds just incredibly difficult to do, with so much conflicting information. Then I found out that it was appropriative; it's off-limits to those who aren't practicing Tibetan Buddhism, which is a closed practice
- There were soulbonds & thoughtforms as well but predictably same results, just too much mental work
- Then I found that I might have MADD. I'm not sure about it since for one it's not really an officially-recognized disorder & also the exact criterion is somewhat a point of contention within the community
- Got roped into LOA-related 'communities' which felt more like cults
- Trying to break free of the above
I want for it to be possible to go into The Other Place when I die, because I can't stand being here anymore.
Been feeling like this for >10yrs now but this year it's gotten especially bad due to how world-weary I've become, as well as the nature of our entropic existence is not compatible for someone like me. I've been traumatized from a young age & since then I absolutely cannot stand bodily fluids/functions yet everyone has them & does them. Which I can't get too close to real people & it's also the reason why I can't be in a (real-life) relationship. I think the fact that we have to eat & drink in order to live is inherently coercive by nature. Every single interaction by any living being is transactional & vampiric. And nobody wants to talk about trying to fix it. And that's why I don't want to live anymore.
Another factor is world-weariness combined with the helplessness of my own destructive habits; I've never been very good & I've done just too many regrettable things to be able to participate in society. Not helping things is I have a persecution complex. I can never own up to anything. The only things I know how to do is run away & do damage control
Yet I don't wish for pain to exist & continue. If only I could wish it true that everyone's lifted from the cycle of pain & hurt & lack & desire.
What actually drove me into registering for an account on here was that I came across a tumblr post from a well-meaning person denigrating comfort characters. I've never had my feelings hurt like this for so long. It basically went "stop making everything about fandom/fictional characters go outside talk to real people you have brain damage". I'm objectively unfit to be here.
I can't tell you who the characters are for privacy reasons but they're basically all I have. Because they have things no real person will ever have and they don't experience all the pains a real person does. & if I was with them I wouldn't wish for anything else.
Timeline of events:
- In the 2nd half of 2015, after a major conflict with my mom over her being an antivaxxer, I told the google spyware platform "I wish he was real". One of the results was a rather old article that I have trouble relocating that was about the 'waifu' phenomena. One of the comments mentioned tulpamancy which I've never heard of before so I looked it up
- While trying to find more information about it it sounds just incredibly difficult to do, with so much conflicting information. Then I found out that it was appropriative; it's off-limits to those who aren't practicing Tibetan Buddhism, which is a closed practice
- There were soulbonds & thoughtforms as well but predictably same results, just too much mental work
- Then I found that I might have MADD. I'm not sure about it since for one it's not really an officially-recognized disorder & also the exact criterion is somewhat a point of contention within the community
- Got roped into LOA-related 'communities' which felt more like cults
- Trying to break free of the above
I want for it to be possible to go into The Other Place when I die, because I can't stand being here anymore.