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badgame

Member
Dec 10, 2020
10
Hello everyone. I can't believe I actually found this place; after browsing for a bit this was the site that apparently made it onto the Vice article that showed up on my feed one day.

Been feeling like this for >10yrs now but this year it's gotten especially bad due to how world-weary I've become, as well as the nature of our entropic existence is not compatible for someone like me. I've been traumatized from a young age & since then I absolutely cannot stand bodily fluids/functions yet everyone has them & does them. Which I can't get too close to real people & it's also the reason why I can't be in a (real-life) relationship. I think the fact that we have to eat & drink in order to live is inherently coercive by nature. Every single interaction by any living being is transactional & vampiric. And nobody wants to talk about trying to fix it. And that's why I don't want to live anymore.



Another factor is world-weariness combined with the helplessness of my own destructive habits; I've never been very good & I've done just too many regrettable things to be able to participate in society. Not helping things is I have a persecution complex. I can never own up to anything. The only things I know how to do is run away & do damage control

Yet I don't wish for pain to exist & continue. If only I could wish it true that everyone's lifted from the cycle of pain & hurt & lack & desire.



What actually drove me into registering for an account on here was that I came across a tumblr post from a well-meaning person denigrating comfort characters. I've never had my feelings hurt like this for so long. It basically went "stop making everything about fandom/fictional characters go outside talk to real people you have brain damage". I'm objectively unfit to be here.

I can't tell you who the characters are for privacy reasons but they're basically all I have. Because they have things no real person will ever have and they don't experience all the pains a real person does. & if I was with them I wouldn't wish for anything else.

Timeline of events:

- In the 2nd half of 2015, after a major conflict with my mom over her being an antivaxxer, I told the google spyware platform "I wish he was real". One of the results was a rather old article that I have trouble relocating that was about the 'waifu' phenomena. One of the comments mentioned tulpamancy which I've never heard of before so I looked it up
- While trying to find more information about it it sounds just incredibly difficult to do, with so much conflicting information. Then I found out that it was appropriative; it's off-limits to those who aren't practicing Tibetan Buddhism, which is a closed practice
- There were soulbonds & thoughtforms as well but predictably same results, just too much mental work
- Then I found that I might have MADD. I'm not sure about it since for one it's not really an officially-recognized disorder & also the exact criterion is somewhat a point of contention within the community
- Got roped into LOA-related 'communities' which felt more like cults
- Trying to break free of the above

I want for it to be possible to go into The Other Place when I die, because I can't stand being here anymore.
 
Nymph

Nymph

he/him
Jul 15, 2020
2,566
I read your post but I look up tulpamancy and I'm kind of confused about it. Is it like a community that does that as a hobby or is it a disorder?

I used to get really attached to movie or anime/show characters and even fall in love with them. I would be reading about them more then I'd interact with people which was always minimum anyways
 
B

badgame

Member
Dec 10, 2020
10
I read your post but I look up tulpamancy and I'm kind of confused about it. Is it like a community that does that as a hobby or is it a disorder?

I used to get really attached to movie or anime/show characters and even fall in love with them. I would be reading about them more then I'd interact with people which was always minimum anyways
Tulpamancy in its appropritated usage of the term, people do that for all sorts of reasons, including as a 'hobby'. But it's in essence not either; it's a spiritual practice
 
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Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,024
Hi, welcome to the group. It's nice to meet you. I hope you find what you're looking for here.
 
Nymph

Nymph

he/him
Jul 15, 2020
2,566
Tulpamancy in its appropritated usage of the term, people do that for all sorts of reasons, including as a 'hobby'. But it's in essence not either; it's a spiritual practice
I see, thanks
 
Noriv159

Noriv159

Sigh.
Oct 22, 2020
76
I relate a lot with what you're feeling. I can tell you're an interesting person judging from what you're saying. I'm also world-weary and very lonely with escapist tendencies although I counterpoise my wonderings with philosophical thought to facilitate clearer thinking so I don't become too dissociated. You might want to look up some of the disputed anti-realist metaphysical concepts like fictional/modal realism and anti-conventionalist notions like possibilianism to augment self belief. Would love to talk to you.
 
Last edited:
B

badgame

Member
Dec 10, 2020
10
I relate a lot with what you're feeling. I can tell you're an interesting person judging from what you're saying. I'm also world-weary and very lonely with escapist tendencies although I counterpoise my wonderings with philosophical thought to facilitate cleverer thinking so I don't become too dissociated. You might want to look up some of the disputed anti-realist metaphysical concepts like fictional/modal realism and anti-conventionalist notions like possibilianism to augment self belief. Would love to talk to you.
idk I just can't with metaphysics tbh. Not sure how that's gonna help with trying to make concrete reality better
 
Noriv159

Noriv159

Sigh.
Oct 22, 2020
76
idk I just can't with metaphysics tbh. Not sure how that's gonna help with trying to make concrete reality better
I guess I didn't get your motive. You seemed interested in the fantastical. But I understand if you feel too dissociated. Metaphysics can be countergrounding. What do you want to change in your life, then?
 

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