I'm from the UK, and I'm in my early 30s. I haven't achieved much in life, I have a very sporadic freelance job at the moment, and not many skills to improve my situation. I had to move back with my parents just before covid hit, and that was only a few years after moving out. Living with them is very difficult, as they argue with me if I cook for myself, or if I wash my own clothes (my mother is convinced I am going to break the washing machine...) and so I have an incredibly unhealthy, ultraprocessed, sugary diet, that I am very unhappy with but don't see changing any time soon. I genuinely enjoy cooking and I miss it a lot but it is literally just not worth fighting about so frequently. The main light in my room has been broken for over a year and I'm not sure I can afford an electrician by myself; my dad just insists he'll fix it then doesn't, I'm writing this by a desklight. They then deny we ever argue at all.
I had to go to hospital three times over the last three years for the obvious reason, also once when I was a teenager although I didn't need to be hospitalised or wasn't badly injured.
My dad is actually well off and has well-connected friends; about 5 years ago I tried to ask him for help and he told me he wouldn't because it would be embarrassing for him if I fucked up. Both my parents are retired, so it's not loss of work contacts or anything, it's loss of golfing buddies, basically. They both volunteer a lot, particularly with children, and everyone I know thinks they are wonderful. When I try and talk to people about the problems I have with them I often get told I should try being nicer to them; because they are so nice and generous with other people why wouldn't they be helpful towards their daughter?
I try and start a conversation about anything at home, my parents just talk about themselves. Even if I ask them for advice, e.g.: I feel like I've been out of the professional workplace too long and have no route to get back in. What do you think I should do? my mother: "You know, when I was 16, I got told that I wasn't even smart enough to work in a factory, and only good to work in a shop. And look at me now." This is a real conversation I tried to have with her.
I have had several traumatic experiences, with the worst unfortunately happening shortly after I got to Uni which was supposed to be my big point of separation from them, but didn't work out that way. All through school my teachers and guidance councillor told us to just keep our heads down and that things would be okay and we would have all the independence and freedom we wanted once we got to uni.
I joined a codependency support group after my most recent hospital visit, in December, and I was finding it really helpful. It didn't reverse my whole outlook or made me feel like I had new options, but it did really ground me to be around other people struggling too. The format of the group made you come up with an immediate problem to work on and I was coming up with them and actually making small changes. It's also a WO group and several women made a point of coming up to me, supporting me and encouraging me. I have stayed in touch with one woman in the group and met with her for coffee.
I had to stop going because I have been on an NHS waiting list for 5 years and finally reached the end to get put in a DBT Therapy group for PTSD - I haven't been back to the co-dependency group because they insisted I stop and focus on one group at a time; I think that they also didn't like that it was WO as this DBT group is supposed to be about letting me build up positive experiences with men, which isn't happening anyway.
The DBT group is three women and two men, and one of the men is a diagnosed narcissist. He and the other, very resentful and autistic, man basically just talk to each other and we women have to share about 20 minutes at the end of the hour and a half runtime between ourselves. I tried talking about an issue I had with my (male) cousin at one point and the narcissist waited for me to finish and then immediately started ranting about not all men, he would not and has never done that, and actually he was raped as a child by a man, so there. The issue I was talking about had nothing to do with rape, it was about my cousin being rude to me. Unsurprisingly, the group immediately moved on from that and I got no feedback at all. The narcissist is ex military, active service, has admitted to have been abusive in previous relationships, and said that he is just now starting to feel some empathy for other people and thinks that we the group can really help him with developing a real sense of empathy for others. I'm not supposed to talk about the details of the group with others but I don't think people understand how bad the situation is when I just say that the group is not going well. My mood is severely tanking. I am not planning anything but I am having severe urges to self harm which is unusual for me. The psychologist who runs the group is in the room with us the whole time, and tried to push back at the beginning but has since given up and just sits there. But I have talked about how this isn't working for me and she encourages me not to leave. I don't understand what I am supposed to be getting out of this situation. I do not think I will be offered an alternative if I leave, and I waited years for this. I was out of home when I originally signed up and now look where my situation is.
I feel like I am too old to realistically turn my life around. I listen to podcasts etc and they say, make a narrative out of your life story and think of what second half to the story would balance out the first half and I can't think of a single thing. Even the basic things that I would hope to have, like a career and a house, are completely economically unaffordable, and I have been out of the full time workplace for years at this point. They're unaffordable for most people who have stayed in the workplace, with the current state of the UK. All the options I have seen like work abroad programs require some physical labour and I am partially disabled. It doesn't affect my day-to-day life too much but it does put me out of that category.
I have reached out for help and it has not gone anywhere. I legitimately hate my local crisis service; the only good thing to come out of the DBT group was finding that several of others have also used it and found it equally useless, so it isn't just me. I went to a DV service but because my parents are not violent, they basically could only offer me a resilience-building workshop, which I didn't take as I was due to start the DBT group soon at that point.
I'm obviously in the Recovery section, and I know that this whole post is just misery, but I do want there to be options other than killing myself. In december the staff were well meaning and perhaps more casual with me because they knew I used work in the NHS myself, but the psychologist made a joke with me about seeing me again at my next annual attempt, and I feel like that's more or less what I'm on schedule for at the moment. As my mother likes to say, I didn't really try and kill myself or I wouldn't have got myself to the hospital, and I guess I'm trying to find a situation where I don't feel like I want to. Maybe I haven't really tried hard enough, I know there is a category difference between serious and non-serious attempts and mine could be considered non-serious and they didn't leave any permanent damage. Maybe people would take me seriously and provide actual help if I did; but I don't think so, I think it's either lack of resources or my family just being what it is. I tried telling my (different, female) cousin about my hospital visit and she just said 'oh' and changed the subject. Now she keeps texting me and asking me why I don't want to talk to her.
I'm honestly leaving a whole bunch of small, crappy extra details out to try and make this somewhat anonymised, which it probably isn't. Like it's just stupid how many things seem to be conspiring to happen at once to make my daily life degrading as possible.
I don't know really what I want to get out of here except to feel like I'm back in an environment where people understand that things aren't just a matter of willpower. I'm so tired.
I had to go to hospital three times over the last three years for the obvious reason, also once when I was a teenager although I didn't need to be hospitalised or wasn't badly injured.
My dad is actually well off and has well-connected friends; about 5 years ago I tried to ask him for help and he told me he wouldn't because it would be embarrassing for him if I fucked up. Both my parents are retired, so it's not loss of work contacts or anything, it's loss of golfing buddies, basically. They both volunteer a lot, particularly with children, and everyone I know thinks they are wonderful. When I try and talk to people about the problems I have with them I often get told I should try being nicer to them; because they are so nice and generous with other people why wouldn't they be helpful towards their daughter?
I try and start a conversation about anything at home, my parents just talk about themselves. Even if I ask them for advice, e.g.: I feel like I've been out of the professional workplace too long and have no route to get back in. What do you think I should do? my mother: "You know, when I was 16, I got told that I wasn't even smart enough to work in a factory, and only good to work in a shop. And look at me now." This is a real conversation I tried to have with her.
I have had several traumatic experiences, with the worst unfortunately happening shortly after I got to Uni which was supposed to be my big point of separation from them, but didn't work out that way. All through school my teachers and guidance councillor told us to just keep our heads down and that things would be okay and we would have all the independence and freedom we wanted once we got to uni.
I joined a codependency support group after my most recent hospital visit, in December, and I was finding it really helpful. It didn't reverse my whole outlook or made me feel like I had new options, but it did really ground me to be around other people struggling too. The format of the group made you come up with an immediate problem to work on and I was coming up with them and actually making small changes. It's also a WO group and several women made a point of coming up to me, supporting me and encouraging me. I have stayed in touch with one woman in the group and met with her for coffee.
I had to stop going because I have been on an NHS waiting list for 5 years and finally reached the end to get put in a DBT Therapy group for PTSD - I haven't been back to the co-dependency group because they insisted I stop and focus on one group at a time; I think that they also didn't like that it was WO as this DBT group is supposed to be about letting me build up positive experiences with men, which isn't happening anyway.
The DBT group is three women and two men, and one of the men is a diagnosed narcissist. He and the other, very resentful and autistic, man basically just talk to each other and we women have to share about 20 minutes at the end of the hour and a half runtime between ourselves. I tried talking about an issue I had with my (male) cousin at one point and the narcissist waited for me to finish and then immediately started ranting about not all men, he would not and has never done that, and actually he was raped as a child by a man, so there. The issue I was talking about had nothing to do with rape, it was about my cousin being rude to me. Unsurprisingly, the group immediately moved on from that and I got no feedback at all. The narcissist is ex military, active service, has admitted to have been abusive in previous relationships, and said that he is just now starting to feel some empathy for other people and thinks that we the group can really help him with developing a real sense of empathy for others. I'm not supposed to talk about the details of the group with others but I don't think people understand how bad the situation is when I just say that the group is not going well. My mood is severely tanking. I am not planning anything but I am having severe urges to self harm which is unusual for me. The psychologist who runs the group is in the room with us the whole time, and tried to push back at the beginning but has since given up and just sits there. But I have talked about how this isn't working for me and she encourages me not to leave. I don't understand what I am supposed to be getting out of this situation. I do not think I will be offered an alternative if I leave, and I waited years for this. I was out of home when I originally signed up and now look where my situation is.
I feel like I am too old to realistically turn my life around. I listen to podcasts etc and they say, make a narrative out of your life story and think of what second half to the story would balance out the first half and I can't think of a single thing. Even the basic things that I would hope to have, like a career and a house, are completely economically unaffordable, and I have been out of the full time workplace for years at this point. They're unaffordable for most people who have stayed in the workplace, with the current state of the UK. All the options I have seen like work abroad programs require some physical labour and I am partially disabled. It doesn't affect my day-to-day life too much but it does put me out of that category.
I have reached out for help and it has not gone anywhere. I legitimately hate my local crisis service; the only good thing to come out of the DBT group was finding that several of others have also used it and found it equally useless, so it isn't just me. I went to a DV service but because my parents are not violent, they basically could only offer me a resilience-building workshop, which I didn't take as I was due to start the DBT group soon at that point.
I'm obviously in the Recovery section, and I know that this whole post is just misery, but I do want there to be options other than killing myself. In december the staff were well meaning and perhaps more casual with me because they knew I used work in the NHS myself, but the psychologist made a joke with me about seeing me again at my next annual attempt, and I feel like that's more or less what I'm on schedule for at the moment. As my mother likes to say, I didn't really try and kill myself or I wouldn't have got myself to the hospital, and I guess I'm trying to find a situation where I don't feel like I want to. Maybe I haven't really tried hard enough, I know there is a category difference between serious and non-serious attempts and mine could be considered non-serious and they didn't leave any permanent damage. Maybe people would take me seriously and provide actual help if I did; but I don't think so, I think it's either lack of resources or my family just being what it is. I tried telling my (different, female) cousin about my hospital visit and she just said 'oh' and changed the subject. Now she keeps texting me and asking me why I don't want to talk to her.
I'm honestly leaving a whole bunch of small, crappy extra details out to try and make this somewhat anonymised, which it probably isn't. Like it's just stupid how many things seem to be conspiring to happen at once to make my daily life degrading as possible.
I don't know really what I want to get out of here except to feel like I'm back in an environment where people understand that things aren't just a matter of willpower. I'm so tired.
