Story Introduction- partner committed suicide

[Birthinjune]

Hi all. I've been lurking on this website for a couple of weeks. It's brought me a lot of solace to be able to consider options. I appreciate how non judgemental and supportive this community is.

I wanted to make an introduction to contribute. My fiance committed suicide a month ago. I knew he was actively suicidal and I left the responsibility to watch him to his roommate because I was dissociating watching him use drugs. I feel responsible for his death. If I had stayed to watch him he would still be here. The story is long and tragic but I don't know if I want to disclose anything else on a public forum right now.

Before this I've had suicidal ideations, I have bad anxiety/ptsd/shizophrenia under stress, but I usually improve within a couple of weeks. Since this has happened my brain has been screaming at me to die. He was my best friend and I loved him more than I can ever imagine loving anyone. He has not left my mind. I've been constantly reimagining conversations that could have went different, things I could have done to make him happier. I just wanted him to want to be here with me. And I'm so scared of forgetting him.

I have friends and family close to me, who mean well and are trying to help, but their inability to understand how I feel is making me pull away and isolate. I haven't been able to function at all. I spend all of my time thinking what I could have done differently.

Not only is this pain unimaginable grief of loss, but guilt, and no interest in having a future in a world without him here. I don't think I am strong enough to overcome this. Everything I do or accomplish or see or experience I will want him here for it, and all feels meaningless without him here.

And I acknowledge that time changes things. I keep telling myself to hold on until spring. The only thing keeping me alive is my mom is still alive, and I think my death would literally kill her. But the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing I have the option to die.

I try to remember how my blood went cold when I got that phone call. I wonder if people close to me would be feeling the same as I'm feeling now. If it was under different circumstances, like an accident, it wouldn't be this bad. If anyone else in my life died it wouldn't be this bad. So I can't imagine my death would put in anyone in the amount of pain that I am feeling now, aside from potentially my mom.

I think that's all I have the energy to write for now. Thanks for reading.

 

[whywere]

I am so sorry for your loss, it breaks my heart. I too had a great friend who thought he could swim across a lake with ice flows in it. I can not swim at all and I watched him go under and drown. now that has been 39, yes 39 years ago, and it still haunts the living day lights out of me every once in awhile. BUT.. BUT I also remember all the great times we had together and he always said to live life to the fullest. I truly believe in YOU as far as listen to how you wrote your post. You area VERY loving and caring person with a heart of gold. I carry in my heart a loving memory of my friend and the shining thought that he is with me always. I hope that you remember that you have your global family here that loves and cares and has a endless supply of empathy and kindness towards you. I love and care about you! Walter

 

[Pookie]

This is a very heartbreaking post and I'm so sorry for your loss. But please try not to blame yourself for his suicide, there is no way on earth you or anyone else would've been able to monitor him 24/7.

As a suicidal person myself I know that when I'm ready and the time is right that nothing or nobody will stop me. In actual fact, in my pre-written suicide letter I ask my loved ones not to blame themselves for my death, that there is nothing they could've done to help me.

Be gentle on yourself during this time and trust me, you will never forget him. Your grief is testament to how much you loved him. The grief does get better with time but he'll always live on in your heart and memories and no one can take your memories away from you. If you can, please seek help from grief support groups and/or your GP to help you through this time. I'm wishing you strength and sending you lots of and hugs.

 

[Blue Rose]

I surely love my boyfriend so much. But the darkness in my heart is too deep to overcome it.
As other said, it is NOT your fault. I AM sure that he had known and felt your devotion and love deeply.

When I confessed my suicidal thoughts to him, he only said he was so anxious.
I couldn't know or understand anything beyond his statement, but for now, I might.
I promised not to leave him. We love each other still.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have no idea what I can write more.

 

[Goodbye710]

I'm sorry about what you're going through. I promise you it's not your fault.

I think we love what we are invested in. The more you love them, the closer they become to you where two people can become like one. So when that person passes away, you can go through unimaginable grief.

People do not understand and I don't think they ever will until they go through it themselves.

I went through it last year. Not through suicide but I couldn't save her.

Please don't feel you have to join him right now either. I know the brain can twist upon itself with the grief. Please understand that time does not really exist over there. I know because I was there briefly. He'll be waiting for you when you pass no matter how long it takes. Just honor and cherish him each day you are on this side. That's what you can do.


When I went through my grief last year, I watched this youtube channel which helped me. As well as reading the comment section of the videos from others who went through a similar experience. The author was an 18th century man who visited the other side and reported back what he saw. I'm not sure if you'll be interested but just incase here is a video.

 

[Birthinjune]

I am so sorry for your loss, it breaks my heart. I too had a great friend who thought he could swim across a lake with ice flows in it. I can not swim at all and I watched him go under and drown. now that has been 39, yes 39 years ago, and it still haunts the living day lights out of me every once in awhile. BUT.. BUT I also remember all the great times we had together and he always said to live life to the fullest. I truly believe in YOU as far as listen to how you wrote your post. You area VERY loving and caring person with a heart of gold. I carry in my heart a loving memory of my friend and the shining thought that he is with me always. I hope that you remember that you have your global family here that loves and cares and has a endless supply of empathy and kindness towards you. I love and care about you! Walter

Really thank you for this very loving responce Walter, what a nice introduction to here, it made me cry. I'm happy that all my love comes across. I feel it boundlessly and unconditionally for him, and really lucky I was loved back

This is a very heartbreaking post and I'm so sorry for your loss. But please try not to blame yourself for his suicide, there is no way on earth you or anyone else would've been able to monitor him 24/7.

As a suicidal person myself I know that when I'm ready and the time is right that nothing or nobody will stop me. In actual fact, in my pre-written suicide letter I ask my loved ones not to blame themselves for my death, that there is nothing they could've done to help me.

Be gentle on yourself during this time and trust me, you will never forget him. Your grief is testament to how much you loved him. The grief does get better with time but he'll always live on in your heart and memories and no one can take your memories away from you. If you can, please seek help from grief support groups and/or your GP to help you through this time. I'm wishing you strength and sending you lots of and hugs.

Pookie thanks for your sweet response. Below is mostly me thinking out loud re: responsibility we have for others. I am familiar with that feeling now, that if you are determined there isn't a thing in the world that could stop you. Thank you for your suggestion about finding support groups. I feel like I need to do that to not continue to live exclusively in my own head


Although he had suicidal ideations the entire time we knew each other, it was largely informed by past trauma and him having BD. Those feelings became no longer passive in a BD downswing, or when he was using substances.

I left his home because he was doing inhalants and screaming and physically hurting himself, and after watching him for 24 hours I was so dissociated I told him I had to leave. Our last in person interaction was a fight because I was leaving his house. After that we talked on the phone and I texted him for days begging him to stop doing inhalants, that I would come right back if he did. But he refused to stop. Three days before it happened he told me was planning to kill himself and was ready to die. The last thing he said to me was that I was selfish for not being there with him. And then his phone died.

I called his roommate to watch him and asked if I should come back or if we should call crisis and she kept reassuring me she would take care if him. Then I checked in with her every few hours and she insisted he was fine. But then he was gone a day and a half later. He did it impulsively under the influence of drugs. He left me a note that was jumbled and hard to read, but it wasn't a long term plan. He was fine a couple of days before.

He told me he was suicidal so often and was always fine a day or two later, I just assumed he was going to do drugs for a couple of days and rest and then be okay. If I believed the severity of what he told me I would have went back. I shouldn't have trusted his safety with another person. I blame myself because he told me exactly how he felt and what he was going to do. The final days he was alive he needed me and I wasn't there, he was alone.

My therapist says that I did the right thing by setting boundaries around drug abuse, that I was in a situation I couldn't emotionally handle, that I shouldn't feel guilt for leaving, that I ultimately am not responsible for someone else's agency. But that's the problem with clinical psychology, maybe sometimes you're supposed to do the wrong thing? If I followed my intuition and went back instead of sitting at home afraid he would be here. He just needed to feel like he mattered, he wanted the pain in his head to stop and needed comfort, but died feeling abandoned and alone. I feel like I'm the one that killed him.

 

[Goodbye710]

The last thing he said to me was that I was selfish for not being there with him. And then his phone died.

Please don't feel that he meant those words. I'm sure his letter was him trying to tell you he loves you.

This time last year I was dying from a heart condition. I was in extreme agony I couldn't contain myself and said a sentence to her that I'm extremely ashamed of. I did not mean it and it just came out and strangely I never apologized. Something in her died that day hearing what I said and she passed away a couple months later.

Sometimes we say things we don't mean when we are in extreme distress.

 

[Kbeau]

Hi all. I've been lurking on this website for a couple of weeks. It's brought me a lot of solace to be able to consider options. I appreciate how non judgemental and supportive this community is.

I wanted to make an introduction to contribute. My fiance committed suicide a month ago. I knew he was actively suicidal and I left the responsibility to watch him to his roommate because I was dissociating watching him use drugs. I feel responsible for his death. If I had stayed to watch him he would still be here. The story is long and tragic but I don't know if I want to disclose anything else on a public forum right now.

Before this I've had suicidal ideations, I have bad anxiety/ptsd/shizophrenia under stress, but I usually improve within a couple of weeks. Since this has happened my brain has been screaming at me to die. He was my best friend and I loved him more than I can ever imagine loving anyone. He has not left my mind. I've been constantly reimagining conversations that could have went different, things I could have done to make him happier. I just wanted him to want to be here with me. And I'm so scared of forgetting him.

I have friends and family close to me, who mean well and are trying to help, but their inability to understand how I feel is making me pull away and isolate. I haven't been able to function at all. I spend all of my time thinking what I could have done differently.

Not only is this pain unimaginable grief of loss, but guilt, and no interest in having a future in a world without him here. I don't think I am strong enough to overcome this. Everything I do or accomplish or see or experience I will want him here for it, and all feels meaningless without him here.

And I acknowledge that time changes things. I keep telling myself to hold on until spring. The only thing keeping me alive is my mom is still alive, and I think my death would literally kill her. But the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing I have the option to die.

I try to remember how my blood went cold when I got that phone call. I wonder if people close to me would be feeling the same as I'm feeling now. If it was under different circumstances, like an accident, it wouldn't be this bad. If anyone else in my life died it wouldn't be this bad. So I can't imagine my death would put in anyone in the amount of pain that I am feeling now, aside from potentially my mom.

I think that's all I have the energy to write for now. Thanks for reading.

Thank you for sharing your story

 

[Disappointered]

I can only second what others have said that you are mistaken if you blame yourself. You don't need to feel guilty even if it's easier said than done. As for the other dimensions of grief, I only hope you are able to get through it or to find peace somehow. Only you know the nuances of your situation. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Birthinjune]

I surely love my boyfriend so much. But the darkness in my heart is too deep to overcome it.
As other said, it is NOT your fault. I AM sure that he had known and felt your devotion and love deeply.

When I confessed my suicidal thoughts to him, he only said he was so anxious.
I couldn't know or understand anything beyond his statement, but for now, I might.
I promised not to leave him. We love each other still.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have no idea what I can write more.

People that have never felt suicidal may find it hard to understand. And it's a lot to express to someone you love, because you don't want to burden them or have to worry about you. I'm happy you have a partner that loves you very much.

Please don't feel that he meant those words. I'm sure his letter was him trying to tell you he loves you.

This time last year I was dying from a heart condition. I was in extreme agony I couldn't contain myself and said a sentence to her that I'm extremely ashamed of. I did not mean it and it just came out and strangely I never apologized. Something in her died that day hearing what I said and she passed away a couple months later.

Sometimes we say things we don't mean when we are in extreme distress.

Thank you for your reassuring words and sharing that video, I started to watch it but was too sad to finish right now, but it's comforting and I will definitely finish it later.

And thank you for saying that. The strongest impulse in my body is to leave to be with him and I'm really doing all I can not to right now. I don't want a future so have been not investing in myself, all things feel impossible to do.

My condolences that you lost your wife. And experienced a lot of pain with your own health issues. Is that what brought you here?

 

[Goodbye710]

People that have never felt suicidal may find it hard to understand. And it's a lot to express to someone you love, because you don't want to burden them or have to worry about you. I'm happy you have a partner that loves you very much.

Thank you for your reassuring words and sharing that video, I started to watch it but was too sad to finish right now, but it's comforting and I will definitely finish it later.

And thank you for saying that. The strongest impulse in my body is to leave to be with him and I'm really doing all I can not to right now. I don't want a future so have been not investing in myself, all things feel impossible to do.

My condolences that you lost your wife. And experienced a lot of pain with your own health issues. Is that what brought you here?

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through.

It's extremely hard and people don't understand until it happens to them. My brain will twist on itself. That I'm a bad person. That sort of thing. I know it's not true but the brain says those things.

The best thing you should do is focus on one day at a time. With time, that urge to follow your fiance may lessen. I would also recommend to talk with others that understand or chat with people on this forum or you can always chat on this thread. It helps. At least in my experience. But talking helps.


I personally had to take kratom which is a legal in most of the US. It's low dose opioids. I'll be taking it for the rest of my life as it's the only thing that kept me sane and is keeping me from overwhelming grief. I wouldn't have made it without it.

A retired nurse suggested to me taking ibuprophen everyday. That might help a bit too to reduce brain inflammation which helps with depression, ptsd and such.


What brought me here was my heart was giving out and I couldn't take the suffering anymore so I was looking for peaceful methods. I had a NDE and strangely my heart started doing better after. But I have an extreme amount of grief because I couldn't save her but I know I did everything I could. I was her caretaker for many years.


Again, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Please understand that you did everything you could! You did call all the time to make sure he was ok. Please don't blame yourself

 

[Ame]

I am so sorry for your loss, Birthinjune. There is truly nothing that I can possibly say to assuage your anguish. Despite each of your personal struggles, it really sounds like the love you had for your fiancé was immense. You have my outmost respect for being able to tell your story. I was on the border of tears as I read your post because I recently lost my partner to suicide. Some of the members here have offered good advices and I do hope that you will be kind with yourself. Although I cannot imagine it is easy, please try not to blame yourself for his passing. It isn't much, but I am thinking of you.