DamagedByExistence
New Member
- Jul 28, 2026
- 1
This is my first post on this forum.
I feel like it's one of the few places left where I can talk about suicide without being judged or hit with the "get help" card.
I got help, and it didn't help.
Being from a blocked country, it makes me even more angry at this world that I have to resort to using a VPN to access this forum.
I am a 21 years old guy.
I don't know when my problems started.
I had a trash childhood, my parents were divorced, with one being violent and the other being neglectful.
I was always introverted, which was probably part of the reason why I was bullied in middle school, apart from my height, weight and appearance.
But I still enjoyed life until one day, at 14 years old, I decided to stop going outside.
I quit school, although I could not legally do it at that age.
I became what is usually called a hikikomori.
I couldn't go outside anymore without hyperventilating and crying.
Got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder.
Then, shortly after, came depression, along with several attempts I made over the years. They all failed, and they all lead to hospitalization.
Ever since then, there hasn't been a single year where I did not struggle with mental health.
Even though I can go outside mostly without issue now, AvPD doesn't just go away, and although bearable, it's not pleasant.
I would say depression has now taken the spotlight in my life.
Why? Because I know I can't be a NEET forever.
I've never had a job, I don't even have a high school degree.
And I know my mother (whom I currenly live with) will kick me out someday, because she said so herself.
There seems to be a common misconception that if you threaten to stop feeding a NEET and kick them out, they will grow a pair, stop being lazy and start living like everyone else.
In my case, I would rather CTB than go back to school or get a job.
Yes, that's pretty much it. I don't want to work, and that's why I want to CTB.
There are things I enjoy in my life.
Anime, movies, games, cats, philosophy, the few online friends I have...
I like those things, genuinely.
But they are not enough.
What they do is making my existence less unpleasant.
But they can't justify working 6+ hours a day until I am old, just to be able to continue to dedicate myself to them.
And I don't need to try to know that.
Nobody, and I mean nobody I know personally has ever told me that working is enjoyable.
Several people I know have told me how much working sucks, multiple times.
And all of them do it because "you gotta do what you gotta do", "I need the money to buy stuff" or "you don't work, you don't eat".
Well, guess what? I don't care about being alive.
I wish I was never born.
It would have saved me so much trouble.
If I died tomorrow, it wouldn't be such a bad thing. For me, at least.
Being alive means nothing to me, hence why being told I need to get a job (what job? I have a middle school "degree" lol) just to keep being alive makes no sense in my case.
The funny thing is, so many people would blame me and call me a parasite for the way I live my life, but at the same time, they would actively try to stop me from doing the only thing with a 100% chance of solving the problem: CTB.
As I said, I've made several attempts over the years.
Unfortunately, they've all failed.
I didn't know of this forum's existence, and I though overdosing on psychiatric medications was really a reliable way to CTB.
I was also reckless, impulsive, naive and inexperienced, and got betrayed by some people I used to call friends, and now I know that I need to be alone when I decide to attempt once again.
I learned that the hard way.
I was hospitalized multiple times because of my attempts and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, being locked in a psychiatric ward against my will made things worse.
Medications made my life worse, and they never worked.
The drugs they give you when standard medications don't work also didn't work.
I hate psychiatry.
It's an evil, paternalistic, authoritarian, criminal and unscientific discipline.
Therapy has been useless in my case as well.
Changed therapists three times over the years, and none of them were able to help me.
Public healthcare is so awesome in principle, but it can be an absolute joke in practice.
I am willing to hold on for a little longer.
At least for as long as I can continue to be a NEET.
But once my time runs out, I need a backup plan, some sort of exit door.
Like many people say, knowing an exit door is always available can give you strength.
In my case, if I knew I could CTB at any moment, I would even be willing to try a trash job, like cleaning dirty toilets full of shit in a train station, and see how long I can resist, and then just CTB when it becomes unbearable.
Problem is, I only have one chance left.
Due to my specific set of circumstances, I know for sure (because I've been warned) that if I attempt and fail one more time, I'm going to be kicked out of my mother's house and moved into some mental health rehabilitation facility indefinitely, where my chances to CTB will be close to zero.
I can't afford any more mistakes.
Next time I attempt, I need to succeed and finally CTB, because my life will be over if I don't.
I hope joining this forum will serve that purpose, and that talking to other people in similiar situations will make things more bearable before that moment comes.
I feel like it's one of the few places left where I can talk about suicide without being judged or hit with the "get help" card.
I got help, and it didn't help.
Being from a blocked country, it makes me even more angry at this world that I have to resort to using a VPN to access this forum.
I am a 21 years old guy.
I don't know when my problems started.
I had a trash childhood, my parents were divorced, with one being violent and the other being neglectful.
I was always introverted, which was probably part of the reason why I was bullied in middle school, apart from my height, weight and appearance.
But I still enjoyed life until one day, at 14 years old, I decided to stop going outside.
I quit school, although I could not legally do it at that age.
I became what is usually called a hikikomori.
I couldn't go outside anymore without hyperventilating and crying.
Got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder.
Then, shortly after, came depression, along with several attempts I made over the years. They all failed, and they all lead to hospitalization.
Ever since then, there hasn't been a single year where I did not struggle with mental health.
Even though I can go outside mostly without issue now, AvPD doesn't just go away, and although bearable, it's not pleasant.
I would say depression has now taken the spotlight in my life.
Why? Because I know I can't be a NEET forever.
I've never had a job, I don't even have a high school degree.
And I know my mother (whom I currenly live with) will kick me out someday, because she said so herself.
There seems to be a common misconception that if you threaten to stop feeding a NEET and kick them out, they will grow a pair, stop being lazy and start living like everyone else.
In my case, I would rather CTB than go back to school or get a job.
Yes, that's pretty much it. I don't want to work, and that's why I want to CTB.
There are things I enjoy in my life.
Anime, movies, games, cats, philosophy, the few online friends I have...
I like those things, genuinely.
But they are not enough.
What they do is making my existence less unpleasant.
But they can't justify working 6+ hours a day until I am old, just to be able to continue to dedicate myself to them.
And I don't need to try to know that.
Nobody, and I mean nobody I know personally has ever told me that working is enjoyable.
Several people I know have told me how much working sucks, multiple times.
And all of them do it because "you gotta do what you gotta do", "I need the money to buy stuff" or "you don't work, you don't eat".
Well, guess what? I don't care about being alive.
I wish I was never born.
It would have saved me so much trouble.
If I died tomorrow, it wouldn't be such a bad thing. For me, at least.
Being alive means nothing to me, hence why being told I need to get a job (what job? I have a middle school "degree" lol) just to keep being alive makes no sense in my case.
The funny thing is, so many people would blame me and call me a parasite for the way I live my life, but at the same time, they would actively try to stop me from doing the only thing with a 100% chance of solving the problem: CTB.
As I said, I've made several attempts over the years.
Unfortunately, they've all failed.
I didn't know of this forum's existence, and I though overdosing on psychiatric medications was really a reliable way to CTB.
I was also reckless, impulsive, naive and inexperienced, and got betrayed by some people I used to call friends, and now I know that I need to be alone when I decide to attempt once again.
I learned that the hard way.
I was hospitalized multiple times because of my attempts and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, being locked in a psychiatric ward against my will made things worse.
Medications made my life worse, and they never worked.
The drugs they give you when standard medications don't work also didn't work.
I hate psychiatry.
It's an evil, paternalistic, authoritarian, criminal and unscientific discipline.
Therapy has been useless in my case as well.
Changed therapists three times over the years, and none of them were able to help me.
Public healthcare is so awesome in principle, but it can be an absolute joke in practice.
I am willing to hold on for a little longer.
At least for as long as I can continue to be a NEET.
But once my time runs out, I need a backup plan, some sort of exit door.
Like many people say, knowing an exit door is always available can give you strength.
In my case, if I knew I could CTB at any moment, I would even be willing to try a trash job, like cleaning dirty toilets full of shit in a train station, and see how long I can resist, and then just CTB when it becomes unbearable.
Problem is, I only have one chance left.
Due to my specific set of circumstances, I know for sure (because I've been warned) that if I attempt and fail one more time, I'm going to be kicked out of my mother's house and moved into some mental health rehabilitation facility indefinitely, where my chances to CTB will be close to zero.
I can't afford any more mistakes.
Next time I attempt, I need to succeed and finally CTB, because my life will be over if I don't.
I hope joining this forum will serve that purpose, and that talking to other people in similiar situations will make things more bearable before that moment comes.
