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0xybrodone

New Member
Feb 12, 2024
1
Hey everybody, this is my first post to SS and firstly I'd like to introduce myself; my username is 0xybrodone, or you can just call me Oxy, Roxy, or just Bro. Whichever you prefer.

I'm 24 this year, from the UK and I've dealt with depression and suicidal ideation for the better half of my life. I grew up raised as a Jehovah's Witness with physical abuse from both parents growing up (however my mother was always worse, and if my Dad ever hit me it was usually via proxy from my mother's influence).

Over the course of my journey with you lovely people here at SS, I'm sure I will share more information and go further in depth about my life, moreso than I have anywhere else online. I'd like to keep the threads made by myself here as a kind of diary for not only myself but anybody else who would be interested enough to take note of my story before it inevitably ends.

I'm currently a drug addict, and have been for around six years at this time. My current drug of choice is Opioids, and they are seriously the only thing that bring me any joy in my life anymore. Without drugs, I definitely would've CTB a long time ago.

I have a vision of a life I may have one day where I am sober-living, have a romantic partner and a great job. However, this all just feels like an unobtainable dream to me and has done for a very long time. I'm just simply not a happy person. I don't feel like I've been living on my terms for a long while. I hold a similar reasoning to a lot of you here from what I've seen from those who also haven't CTB so far, which is because of the guilt of placing such an emotional burden onto friends and family that it would affect if they chose to end their life(s).

More importantly, I'm sure a lot of you would agree with me that this reasoning is fucking horseshit. In my opinion, it is brutally unfair for one to be forced to continue living with unsolvable, untreatable and unmanageable debilitating despair based on the reason of "b-but, think about how the people who care about you would feel!"

Why should the people who "care" about me have any say in what I choose to do with my life. If they cared about me maybe they would understand or even relate to why I would even consider CTB. "You're such a good person, you bring so much joy to our lives" that's great, and I'm glad I do. Does that change the fact that no matter how many people love/care about me I STILL feel this way? No, of course not.

I'm a walking corpse and nobody even knows it. I live with my Sister, and they want me to move out as soon as possible, claiming it's because they "want me to have my own life and independence" whereas I know the real reasons is purely because I am a burden to them, an inconvenience. They took me in after I showed up on their doorstep after I fled from a crack-house and abusive people who gave me PTSD for the better half of two years, and I suppose I gave my Sister no choice but to take me in.

They don't want me here. The last time I tried to CTB (and failed and ended up in hospital) the moments before I made up my mind to do so was again because they wanted to kick me out, with nowhere to go. Now with the exact same threat hanging over me it just makes me feel like they never actually gave a fuck about me as a person. It's been more of a "well, we don't like you enough to want you to stay here, but we also don't want the burden if you decided to kill yourself again if we kicked you out"

Everything is a fucking joke. I'm autistic, I'm chronically depressed, I'm an opioid addict, I'm unemployed, I have little to no friends that actively speak to me (even though they were people who tried to talk me out of CTB the last time I tried to because of how much they cared about me?? Where are they now?? I guess I don't matter unless I'm trying to end my fucking life then it's like they suddenly remembered I exist and they care about me)

The only thing I can do fairly well in this life is write and play my music/songs with guitar and sing. And it's my legacy, the only thing that I care about living on, and the only thing of mine that will live on.

I dream almost daily about becoming famous and being able to pay the bills with my music, my passion. It's not going to happen, ever. It's a luck-of-the-draw thing. Maybe I'll blow up one day, maybe not. Most likely not. Most likely I'll just die and my music may just be forgotten, same as me and my completely dull, boring, unfulfilled life I've lived. But I have the one comforting thought that maybe, just maybe, once I'm dead and gone, the one, single dream I've always wanted to come true might just do so. I could die happy with that in mind- and even if not, I wouldn't fucking know lol. At least I'd get to be at peace, finally, after 23 years of dread and painful existence.

That does it for venting post one.
- Oxybrodone, 19/2/24
 

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