Neowise
We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
- Oct 7, 2020
- 456
Hey everyone,
I'm Neowise and freshly new here. At this point I'd like to thank the Admins for accepting me. I've been lurking in the forums for several months now and decided to finally make an account here yesterday evening. It is great to see how people talk about such a taboo subject openly, support each other and share thoughts.
So why am I here?
Depression has been a consistent and big part of my life, the first time I talked about killing myself was when I was 8 or 9 years old (now I'm 24). The core reason is probably my family. My father has 0 social skills so he doesn't really engage in normal "family life", and my mother is a narcissist who has said more bad things than good things to me throughout my entire life. Even though I am 24 she treats me like a 12 year old by not giving me the freedom / respect a normal 24 year old should have. Bad news is I am still living at home because I am studying at university and rents are really expensive here.
Basically I don't know what a real family is, I rather grew up by myself. I used to be a really extroverted kid but became an introvert and learned to live without other humans which can be good and bad and makes me happy and sad at the same time.
I have never really been popular because my character doesn't fit the typical stereotypes society wants you to represent. I've always had different hobbies and interests than all the others. I got mobbed from 3rd to 10th / 11th grade mainly by boys so my friends have always been female, I can't really communicate well with males nowadays because I never learned how to.
Generally I'd describe myself as a failure. My marks have always been average at best. I'm not very funny, I'm not very smart and everything I do turns out shit. I feel like I was born in the wrong society that only values you if you have success. I think I'd have a much better life if I was born in a native tribe in Africa or the south American rain forest, I don't know.
I handed in my Bachelor's Thesis last week, but for some reason it left me even emptier inside. Maybe because my current life goal is over? Now I got trouble though, when I registered my work I put a wrong date on the paper on accident which now lead to me handing it in 15 months too late and unfortunately nobody noticed. The time was up one year before I registered it already which makes me a time traveller. It would be so funny if it weren't so sad. Now my only hope is that the responsible people have mercy on me and don't make me fail my studies. I already got accepted for Master's and I think the worst case scenario would be enough for me to end my life. All of that only because I was being an idiot. I think this might have been what finally made me register here on SS.
Altough I have had suicidal thoughts for so long I have never seriously planned to ctb yet. Even though I hate my life my will to live seems to be kinda strong and I feel like I'm fooling myself. However, I'm not here to find motivation to finally do it but for the talks and the conversations between people who think alike without being judged.
This was me in a nutshell, thanks for reading and accepting me in your community :)
I wish you all a nice day,
Neowise
I'm Neowise and freshly new here. At this point I'd like to thank the Admins for accepting me. I've been lurking in the forums for several months now and decided to finally make an account here yesterday evening. It is great to see how people talk about such a taboo subject openly, support each other and share thoughts.
So why am I here?
Depression has been a consistent and big part of my life, the first time I talked about killing myself was when I was 8 or 9 years old (now I'm 24). The core reason is probably my family. My father has 0 social skills so he doesn't really engage in normal "family life", and my mother is a narcissist who has said more bad things than good things to me throughout my entire life. Even though I am 24 she treats me like a 12 year old by not giving me the freedom / respect a normal 24 year old should have. Bad news is I am still living at home because I am studying at university and rents are really expensive here.
Basically I don't know what a real family is, I rather grew up by myself. I used to be a really extroverted kid but became an introvert and learned to live without other humans which can be good and bad and makes me happy and sad at the same time.
I have never really been popular because my character doesn't fit the typical stereotypes society wants you to represent. I've always had different hobbies and interests than all the others. I got mobbed from 3rd to 10th / 11th grade mainly by boys so my friends have always been female, I can't really communicate well with males nowadays because I never learned how to.
Generally I'd describe myself as a failure. My marks have always been average at best. I'm not very funny, I'm not very smart and everything I do turns out shit. I feel like I was born in the wrong society that only values you if you have success. I think I'd have a much better life if I was born in a native tribe in Africa or the south American rain forest, I don't know.
I handed in my Bachelor's Thesis last week, but for some reason it left me even emptier inside. Maybe because my current life goal is over? Now I got trouble though, when I registered my work I put a wrong date on the paper on accident which now lead to me handing it in 15 months too late and unfortunately nobody noticed. The time was up one year before I registered it already which makes me a time traveller. It would be so funny if it weren't so sad. Now my only hope is that the responsible people have mercy on me and don't make me fail my studies. I already got accepted for Master's and I think the worst case scenario would be enough for me to end my life. All of that only because I was being an idiot. I think this might have been what finally made me register here on SS.
Altough I have had suicidal thoughts for so long I have never seriously planned to ctb yet. Even though I hate my life my will to live seems to be kinda strong and I feel like I'm fooling myself. However, I'm not here to find motivation to finally do it but for the talks and the conversations between people who think alike without being judged.
This was me in a nutshell, thanks for reading and accepting me in your community :)
I wish you all a nice day,
Neowise
