fuzzypeach
Member
- Jan 26, 2026
- 33
hellooo everyone, i have been lurking for about a month now even though it all feels like a blur right now.
first, i wanted to introduce myself and tell you all about my story. :)
im from LATAM, where throughout my childhood i experienced political persecution from the govt such as bombings at my house, shootings, kidnap attempts at my school, etc. even though we were united in this, my relationship with my family/mom was never really that good. one of my first memories as a child is sitting at a table and telling my mom that if she didnt stop hitting me that i would grow up to not trust her. she laughed in my face while i cried. my sister would try to undress me at school and in front of her friends, showing videos of me naked in the shower to our peers at after school clubs. my dad is just the typical latino man that he does not show much emotion, except anger.
i ended up moving to the US when i was about 12 years old. more so, my parents told me i was going on vacation then i suddenly started going to school from a hotel room... we were political refugees. here, though it was hard to learn english and i got the occasional xenophobic bullying, i always had friends. i tried really hard to do good in school because even tho i knew it was hard for me, i thought it was harder for my parents, and i just wanted to show them that all their sacrifices were worth it. you see, there are a lot of immigrant children who get mad and lash out at their parents and make their move even more difficult on purpose because they did not want to be there. a lot of them end of going back to their homecountries because it is so difficult. but i was not like that, i kept my emotions to myself, did not ask questions about anything as to not appear concerned, and focused on school.
i got an award for getting straights As all throughout middle school. i was number #15 in my class in high school until... my then-boyfriend cheated on me with my two best friends, i got ostracized from that friend group, i cried every single day for 6 months after that. then my cousin (who i was close to) died of cancer. and increasing physical and emotional abuse from my family, as i became their scapegoat, led to my first suicide attempt. i was in the psych ward for 3 days.
things kept getting more and more tense in my family, i was in toxic relationships, i was sexually assaulted a couple of times by different people, my neurodivergence and trauma made it really difficult to maintain good friendships and then suddenly i was all alone, i feel like i became That weird girl everyone hated. especially because i was really big on social justice issues, with my classmates being conservative and looking down on me. my sister ended up sending a video of my mother and her beating me up to a girl who hated me. who knows what happened to that video, or how many people saw it. i went to the psych ward one more time before my mom kicked me out of the house and went to live with my aunt. unfortunately, my aunt suffers from bipolar disorder and the day she had a violent episode at me the neghbors called the police, and somehow i ended up being the one taken into the ward... i was there for 2 weeks.
i had to go back home because the hospital would only release me to my parents. my mom and sister did not speak to me, at all. only my father, but i avoided him and the house at all costs until i graduated high school (and btw i almost did not graduate high school, i just got "lucky" that covid happened and they just automatically passed everyone in my grade that year)
i ended up getting some scholarships and moving out of my house into the dorms. my life got SO much better. i was zero contact with mom and sis, only texting to father a few times per month. taking care of myself was hard but i started consistent therapy and medication and life became bearable. i was not crying everyday anymore. for the next 4 years, my life got better and better and better. i still suffered from my depression and ptsd and anxiety, but each time was more manageable, more distant. i found great friends, a great job, the best boyfriend ever, and even moved into my own apartment and was able to bring my dog with me from my parents house (who were not taking care of her). pilates class, yoga, gym, participating in my community, skin care, became confident in my sexuality, etc etc etc. went on frequent trips. i graduated from college, i even published a book to raise funds for my homecountry. my mom and i started talking again. my relationship with my father got better.
however.... sometime in 2025 i just started feeling kinda sad, and that feeling grew. then i stopped taking my meds and... it just snowballed from there. it became a vicious cycle, and i was having issues with my insurance. i went 2 months without my meds, then stopped therapy. i ended up getting fired. it was a gradual decline until i hit rock bottom and i felt so, so suicidal for the first time in so many years. i do not feel as intensely set on it anymore, but i still havent brushed my teeth or showered. i was sleeping ALL day, literally. not eating nor drinking water at all. this past saturday was the first day i was actually awake during the day. i have a depression room rn. i started meds and therapy again, going out once a week (done it twice lol), and every day i try my hardest to just be awake and survive.
i am in limbo, but i WANT to be hopeful. i still have good friends, my boyfriend is the best one still, i still have my apt and dog, i have the best roomie. money is an issue but i could ask my father to help me if i needed to, i think. my life is not BAD anymore. i used to be in such abusive and toxic situations that i didnt know how to handle, and now that my life is at the best its ever been and i got a grip on my emotional intelligence... i suddenly want to ctb really badly?
i know the crisis is likely due to withdrawal from the meds? but ive been taking them consistently for a month now, and progress has been really slow. my mood changes frequently, feeling like a burden to my loved ones, worthless. i wake up and i am filled with anxiety. my knees literally bend involuntarily from how hard i shake from anxiety. i feel like being unemployed means im useless and cant take care of myself and will never be able to, because how tf can i keep a 9-5 if i literally need to sleep all day. i feel like i cant handle my "adult" responsiblities.
ive started to feel happy sometimes but, my mind keeps going back to: is it worth it? is it worth to suffer so much just to have a few moments of joy?
my trauma feels like a curse i cannot escape. something that will keep coming back to me no matter what.
i think for now, i am not committed to killing myself, though having the resources from this forum feels relieving.
if you read all of that, wow thank you hehe. i have found this community so supportive, inspiring, and liberating in so many ways. yalls empathy, respect for autonomy, and courage to be vulnerable with others is amazing.
cant wait to participate in threads !
first, i wanted to introduce myself and tell you all about my story. :)
im from LATAM, where throughout my childhood i experienced political persecution from the govt such as bombings at my house, shootings, kidnap attempts at my school, etc. even though we were united in this, my relationship with my family/mom was never really that good. one of my first memories as a child is sitting at a table and telling my mom that if she didnt stop hitting me that i would grow up to not trust her. she laughed in my face while i cried. my sister would try to undress me at school and in front of her friends, showing videos of me naked in the shower to our peers at after school clubs. my dad is just the typical latino man that he does not show much emotion, except anger.
i ended up moving to the US when i was about 12 years old. more so, my parents told me i was going on vacation then i suddenly started going to school from a hotel room... we were political refugees. here, though it was hard to learn english and i got the occasional xenophobic bullying, i always had friends. i tried really hard to do good in school because even tho i knew it was hard for me, i thought it was harder for my parents, and i just wanted to show them that all their sacrifices were worth it. you see, there are a lot of immigrant children who get mad and lash out at their parents and make their move even more difficult on purpose because they did not want to be there. a lot of them end of going back to their homecountries because it is so difficult. but i was not like that, i kept my emotions to myself, did not ask questions about anything as to not appear concerned, and focused on school.
i got an award for getting straights As all throughout middle school. i was number #15 in my class in high school until... my then-boyfriend cheated on me with my two best friends, i got ostracized from that friend group, i cried every single day for 6 months after that. then my cousin (who i was close to) died of cancer. and increasing physical and emotional abuse from my family, as i became their scapegoat, led to my first suicide attempt. i was in the psych ward for 3 days.
things kept getting more and more tense in my family, i was in toxic relationships, i was sexually assaulted a couple of times by different people, my neurodivergence and trauma made it really difficult to maintain good friendships and then suddenly i was all alone, i feel like i became That weird girl everyone hated. especially because i was really big on social justice issues, with my classmates being conservative and looking down on me. my sister ended up sending a video of my mother and her beating me up to a girl who hated me. who knows what happened to that video, or how many people saw it. i went to the psych ward one more time before my mom kicked me out of the house and went to live with my aunt. unfortunately, my aunt suffers from bipolar disorder and the day she had a violent episode at me the neghbors called the police, and somehow i ended up being the one taken into the ward... i was there for 2 weeks.
i had to go back home because the hospital would only release me to my parents. my mom and sister did not speak to me, at all. only my father, but i avoided him and the house at all costs until i graduated high school (and btw i almost did not graduate high school, i just got "lucky" that covid happened and they just automatically passed everyone in my grade that year)
i ended up getting some scholarships and moving out of my house into the dorms. my life got SO much better. i was zero contact with mom and sis, only texting to father a few times per month. taking care of myself was hard but i started consistent therapy and medication and life became bearable. i was not crying everyday anymore. for the next 4 years, my life got better and better and better. i still suffered from my depression and ptsd and anxiety, but each time was more manageable, more distant. i found great friends, a great job, the best boyfriend ever, and even moved into my own apartment and was able to bring my dog with me from my parents house (who were not taking care of her). pilates class, yoga, gym, participating in my community, skin care, became confident in my sexuality, etc etc etc. went on frequent trips. i graduated from college, i even published a book to raise funds for my homecountry. my mom and i started talking again. my relationship with my father got better.
however.... sometime in 2025 i just started feeling kinda sad, and that feeling grew. then i stopped taking my meds and... it just snowballed from there. it became a vicious cycle, and i was having issues with my insurance. i went 2 months without my meds, then stopped therapy. i ended up getting fired. it was a gradual decline until i hit rock bottom and i felt so, so suicidal for the first time in so many years. i do not feel as intensely set on it anymore, but i still havent brushed my teeth or showered. i was sleeping ALL day, literally. not eating nor drinking water at all. this past saturday was the first day i was actually awake during the day. i have a depression room rn. i started meds and therapy again, going out once a week (done it twice lol), and every day i try my hardest to just be awake and survive.
i am in limbo, but i WANT to be hopeful. i still have good friends, my boyfriend is the best one still, i still have my apt and dog, i have the best roomie. money is an issue but i could ask my father to help me if i needed to, i think. my life is not BAD anymore. i used to be in such abusive and toxic situations that i didnt know how to handle, and now that my life is at the best its ever been and i got a grip on my emotional intelligence... i suddenly want to ctb really badly?
i know the crisis is likely due to withdrawal from the meds? but ive been taking them consistently for a month now, and progress has been really slow. my mood changes frequently, feeling like a burden to my loved ones, worthless. i wake up and i am filled with anxiety. my knees literally bend involuntarily from how hard i shake from anxiety. i feel like being unemployed means im useless and cant take care of myself and will never be able to, because how tf can i keep a 9-5 if i literally need to sleep all day. i feel like i cant handle my "adult" responsiblities.
ive started to feel happy sometimes but, my mind keeps going back to: is it worth it? is it worth to suffer so much just to have a few moments of joy?
my trauma feels like a curse i cannot escape. something that will keep coming back to me no matter what.
i think for now, i am not committed to killing myself, though having the resources from this forum feels relieving.
if you read all of that, wow thank you hehe. i have found this community so supportive, inspiring, and liberating in so many ways. yalls empathy, respect for autonomy, and courage to be vulnerable with others is amazing.
cant wait to participate in threads !
