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Blanc
nothingness drop
- Jun 12, 2025
- 6
Greetings,
Going by Blanc, I have enough of this cosmic garbage called existence.
Failed at committing suicide at 15 ( ingesting bleach tablets), deeply regretting it. Been worse and worse since. If only I succeeded then.
Seeking unexistence and mostly unbecoming to go back home in the nothingness.
Tired of being trapped in here and now, what's left of me ( as if there's such a thing like a "me" anyway) is anger and wrath most of the time. Disgusted by the corrupted state of being.
I plan to drown at sea, that's what is the closest to the abyss/chaos/tiamat in this simulation. The detailed idea of it is one of the only things that brings me a glimpse of relief and peace.
Currently finding myself in a situation where I can't leave as soon as I would like because of attachment and mistrust issues. It increases quite violently the amount of sadness and exhaustion.
It's quite a thing to have found such a place. Thanks to you people who made it happen. I'm used to be and feel very lonely but lately it became unbearable, it seems I need to have some space somewhere to share and vent so I can move on with whatever decision I will take.
Going by Blanc, I have enough of this cosmic garbage called existence.
Failed at committing suicide at 15 ( ingesting bleach tablets), deeply regretting it. Been worse and worse since. If only I succeeded then.
Seeking unexistence and mostly unbecoming to go back home in the nothingness.
Tired of being trapped in here and now, what's left of me ( as if there's such a thing like a "me" anyway) is anger and wrath most of the time. Disgusted by the corrupted state of being.
I plan to drown at sea, that's what is the closest to the abyss/chaos/tiamat in this simulation. The detailed idea of it is one of the only things that brings me a glimpse of relief and peace.
Currently finding myself in a situation where I can't leave as soon as I would like because of attachment and mistrust issues. It increases quite violently the amount of sadness and exhaustion.
It's quite a thing to have found such a place. Thanks to you people who made it happen. I'm used to be and feel very lonely but lately it became unbearable, it seems I need to have some space somewhere to share and vent so I can move on with whatever decision I will take.
hi there! you can call me Chuuni or Chuunibyou here.
I've been lurking here for a few years as a logged-out guest, but I've finally taken the plunge into making an account. I don't want to kill myself and don't think I will, but I appreciate having a safe space to connect with others with similar struggles as me and with similar pro-autonomy views. I've struggled with life as long as I can remember thanks to childhood abuse. and now in adulthood those experiences have resulted in DID, CPTSD, and OCD which make everything so unbearable even when my life is supposed to be "going well". autism and ADHD also make me less resilient than most other people. I wish it weren't this way, and that we lived in a society that could properly support and provide for people like me, but we don't and I don't expect we will within my lifetime. so I'll just continue to suffer, I guess.
I'm also an active cutter, and have pro-autonomy harm reduction views towards self harm as well. I'll also be glad to speak about that freely here. it's horrible that most places online have such strict censorship around self harm and suicide when these are real human experiences (and refusing to speak about them honestly only makes them worse...)
I've been lurking here for a few years as a logged-out guest, but I've finally taken the plunge into making an account. I don't want to kill myself and don't think I will, but I appreciate having a safe space to connect with others with similar struggles as me and with similar pro-autonomy views. I've struggled with life as long as I can remember thanks to childhood abuse. and now in adulthood those experiences have resulted in DID, CPTSD, and OCD which make everything so unbearable even when my life is supposed to be "going well". autism and ADHD also make me less resilient than most other people. I wish it weren't this way, and that we lived in a society that could properly support and provide for people like me, but we don't and I don't expect we will within my lifetime. so I'll just continue to suffer, I guess.
I'm also an active cutter, and have pro-autonomy harm reduction views towards self harm as well. I'll also be glad to speak about that freely here. it's horrible that most places online have such strict censorship around self harm and suicide when these are real human experiences (and refusing to speak about them honestly only makes them worse...)
hi friends, ( i hope you all dont mind me calling you that)
I've been lurking for quite some time.
Im 30, i dont do much day to day.. i live at home with my father. I think about 1000 ways to die every day. I havent seen the outside in months. Covid 19 lockdown never ended for me.
I always told myself "im either gonna make it or im not"
I did try prosac and some other sleeping meds nearing the end of covid (first time talking to a doctor since i was 15.
Those meds turned me into a zombie and further ruined the relationship that i was so desperately trying to save.
She lives in my head every single day. I know shes doing good without me. But she couldnt even tell me goodbye.. or let me see her to tell her goodbye..
i still dont know the truth to the end of my relationship.. but she claimed she was "afraid" of me.. She knew when we started i was suicidal... i told her again i was when i tried to get back on those damn pills...
Not even sure why i told you guys all that.. none of what im saying makes sense im sure. I just need a break in my head. sleep is the only place i dont think.. Im looking for my passage to sleep forever.
I play aton of runescape and other video games to try to occupy my mind everyday before i get upset and go to sleep.. i smoke weed nonstop however i am running out of funds as of lately.
Im not some degenerate whos just wasting his life away.. i feel crippled everyday... It's been almost 3 years since i lost her. I dont know what my first step is here. If anyone wants to reach out and try to ask the right questions by all means... I dont want to live through my dad dying.. I see it in his face everyday hes so broken over what i've become..
My life was set, i had a great union plumbing job... Getting more and more respect every day from the company i worked for... i lost everything... its been almost 3 years and i dont know where those 3 years have went.
My mind runs a mile a minute every single day thinking about the past.. im suprised i was able to type this much out. I've attempted twice and failed miserably.. I hopefully will find my way out on here :)
much love you all of you going through struggles of your own. I dont wish these feelings on my worst enemies. I just need it all to stop
I've been lurking for quite some time.
Im 30, i dont do much day to day.. i live at home with my father. I think about 1000 ways to die every day. I havent seen the outside in months. Covid 19 lockdown never ended for me.
I always told myself "im either gonna make it or im not"
I did try prosac and some other sleeping meds nearing the end of covid (first time talking to a doctor since i was 15.
Those meds turned me into a zombie and further ruined the relationship that i was so desperately trying to save.
She lives in my head every single day. I know shes doing good without me. But she couldnt even tell me goodbye.. or let me see her to tell her goodbye..
i still dont know the truth to the end of my relationship.. but she claimed she was "afraid" of me.. She knew when we started i was suicidal... i told her again i was when i tried to get back on those damn pills...
Not even sure why i told you guys all that.. none of what im saying makes sense im sure. I just need a break in my head. sleep is the only place i dont think.. Im looking for my passage to sleep forever.
I play aton of runescape and other video games to try to occupy my mind everyday before i get upset and go to sleep.. i smoke weed nonstop however i am running out of funds as of lately.
Im not some degenerate whos just wasting his life away.. i feel crippled everyday... It's been almost 3 years since i lost her. I dont know what my first step is here. If anyone wants to reach out and try to ask the right questions by all means... I dont want to live through my dad dying.. I see it in his face everyday hes so broken over what i've become..
My life was set, i had a great union plumbing job... Getting more and more respect every day from the company i worked for... i lost everything... its been almost 3 years and i dont know where those 3 years have went.
My mind runs a mile a minute every single day thinking about the past.. im suprised i was able to type this much out. I've attempted twice and failed miserably.. I hopefully will find my way out on here :)
much love you all of you going through struggles of your own. I dont wish these feelings on my worst enemies. I just need it all to stop
enough of this
Specialist
- Jun 4, 2023
- 393
suacide
angel
- Sep 13, 2023
- 26
Hey everyone! Feel free to call me Sua, Suacide or if you'd prefer a formal title, Suacidal Tendencies works too c:
You might notice I've been a lurker for a long while now, and that's because I had something to live for, my mom. But she's gone now, so my will to fight and deny my feelings have pretty much disappeared, and now I'm just biding my time and seeking comfort in people that understand me.
I'm 23, F, from the UK and I've lived with my mom pretty much my entire life with some short exceptions.
All that I really do all day is doom scroll, watch YouTube videos, maybe play a game, and sometimes hang out with people on VR. VR less and less though. I'm pretty much an adult hamster at this point, or at least I was. I'm with family right now as my mom's funeral was just a week ago, so I don't know what my life is gonna be like from this point out. I was never prepared to grow up, and I feel like a lot of people say that, but I really mean it with everything I have.
I'm a magnet for bad things, even bad dice luck. Sometimes I really wonder if I was a terrible person in my past life, or some kind of notorious evil figurehead to have deserved everything.
When I was small I went through three cases of CSA that I still remember vividly and grew up watching domestic abuse between my parents all the time, including one where my father grabbed a knife, yelled something and then stabbed into the birdcage where my two childhood pets, a pair of lovebirds were inside of. They weren't hurt, but he made these kinds of gestures a lot and had insane anger issues. My mother had mania and suffered from constant panic attacks, so it only ever made things worse. When we were separated from him, I suddenly had to deal with her explosions being directed towards me instead and she ended up hitting me a lot and saying really cruel things that I knew she didn't mean, it was just the cancer and mania, paranoid delusions like thinking people were after her to the point where she hid and a neighbour's house while I was at school and all kinds of other crazy things. Being autistic and ADHD, naturally I got bullied at school and ended up never getting a further education after that. I got worse and soon even going outside I kept having panic attacks so bad that I'd throw up on street corners or have to lay down on concrete with how my ears rung, everything turned white, my heart hurt and it felt like I was about to die. That and a mixed bad of things stating would make an already giant wall of text even bigger.
Please don't get me wrong. I don't want to be like this… I didn't choose to be useless. I want more than anything to be able to do the things that everyone else can. But I know I can't, I'm weak, and I'm even weaker without her, or just someone to be completely dependent on and forget everything with. I've tried over and over again, I tried to get back into education and instead I developed an ED while trying to cope with something as basic as routine. I ruined my body with it, going up and down and up and down in size. I tried to make the house nicer and really put in an effort with getting rid of items that she had hoarded, and guess what? Haha. Human waste flood. It's like the more I try, the more I get punished. I tried to move out at one point using a service for rehabilitation for people like me with mental issues, but my mom ended up getting lined up for another treatment and I couldn't help but stay at my mom's all the time as being away from her felt impossible. In retrospect, I'm really glad I did. We had some really nice memories during those months.
When I flip back to moments of loving life again, hoping for the best and being optimistic, I really love art. I love drawing, appreciating peoples work and writing stories and characters, making OCs. I have a lot of fun playing games with friends or just friendly strangers and I think I'm never happier than when I'm joking around with someone on call over a game or while we both draw. I've loved drawing since I was young, but I fall in and out of doing it a lot as I've grown up. I also love to sing. Music has done a lot for me in my life. I love getting to know people too, I really love people in general. I don't think everyone is bad, it's just my nervous system that reacts that way.
Sorry that I ended up rambling so much, it's something I'm really wary of but it's also the only way I can really get words out. I live in a constant brain fog and writing clears it as I'm actively doing it. I hope you don't mind, thank you for reading.
Best wishes and so much love to everyone here, thank you all for being something the most empathetic people I've talked to in years, if not my whole life.
You might notice I've been a lurker for a long while now, and that's because I had something to live for, my mom. But she's gone now, so my will to fight and deny my feelings have pretty much disappeared, and now I'm just biding my time and seeking comfort in people that understand me.
I'm 23, F, from the UK and I've lived with my mom pretty much my entire life with some short exceptions.
All that I really do all day is doom scroll, watch YouTube videos, maybe play a game, and sometimes hang out with people on VR. VR less and less though. I'm pretty much an adult hamster at this point, or at least I was. I'm with family right now as my mom's funeral was just a week ago, so I don't know what my life is gonna be like from this point out. I was never prepared to grow up, and I feel like a lot of people say that, but I really mean it with everything I have.
I'm a magnet for bad things, even bad dice luck. Sometimes I really wonder if I was a terrible person in my past life, or some kind of notorious evil figurehead to have deserved everything.
When I was small I went through three cases of CSA that I still remember vividly and grew up watching domestic abuse between my parents all the time, including one where my father grabbed a knife, yelled something and then stabbed into the birdcage where my two childhood pets, a pair of lovebirds were inside of. They weren't hurt, but he made these kinds of gestures a lot and had insane anger issues. My mother had mania and suffered from constant panic attacks, so it only ever made things worse. When we were separated from him, I suddenly had to deal with her explosions being directed towards me instead and she ended up hitting me a lot and saying really cruel things that I knew she didn't mean, it was just the cancer and mania, paranoid delusions like thinking people were after her to the point where she hid and a neighbour's house while I was at school and all kinds of other crazy things. Being autistic and ADHD, naturally I got bullied at school and ended up never getting a further education after that. I got worse and soon even going outside I kept having panic attacks so bad that I'd throw up on street corners or have to lay down on concrete with how my ears rung, everything turned white, my heart hurt and it felt like I was about to die. That and a mixed bad of things stating would make an already giant wall of text even bigger.
Please don't get me wrong. I don't want to be like this… I didn't choose to be useless. I want more than anything to be able to do the things that everyone else can. But I know I can't, I'm weak, and I'm even weaker without her, or just someone to be completely dependent on and forget everything with. I've tried over and over again, I tried to get back into education and instead I developed an ED while trying to cope with something as basic as routine. I ruined my body with it, going up and down and up and down in size. I tried to make the house nicer and really put in an effort with getting rid of items that she had hoarded, and guess what? Haha. Human waste flood. It's like the more I try, the more I get punished. I tried to move out at one point using a service for rehabilitation for people like me with mental issues, but my mom ended up getting lined up for another treatment and I couldn't help but stay at my mom's all the time as being away from her felt impossible. In retrospect, I'm really glad I did. We had some really nice memories during those months.
When I flip back to moments of loving life again, hoping for the best and being optimistic, I really love art. I love drawing, appreciating peoples work and writing stories and characters, making OCs. I have a lot of fun playing games with friends or just friendly strangers and I think I'm never happier than when I'm joking around with someone on call over a game or while we both draw. I've loved drawing since I was young, but I fall in and out of doing it a lot as I've grown up. I also love to sing. Music has done a lot for me in my life. I love getting to know people too, I really love people in general. I don't think everyone is bad, it's just my nervous system that reacts that way.
Sorry that I ended up rambling so much, it's something I'm really wary of but it's also the only way I can really get words out. I live in a constant brain fog and writing clears it as I'm actively doing it. I hope you don't mind, thank you for reading.
Best wishes and so much love to everyone here, thank you all for being something the most empathetic people I've talked to in years, if not my whole life.
