Introduce yourself

[JustMissed]

Hello,

I have been lurking for a while and finally created an account. I have been thinking about ctb for years though it has gotten exponentially worse the past year or so. Nothing holds any joy anymore. All I can seem to do is keep busy with work which seems to keep the demon at bay (high pressure high stress which keeps me focused and my mind off other things). When I'm not working, I lay around on the couch staring at the ceiling for hours on end contemplating the end of existence. Life just feels out of control and the only things that ever gives me a moment's peace is coming here and reading posts or researching ways to ctb either here or via the net.

 

[Mental]

Hello : )
My name is Ezra, I am a 22 year old student from Oregon. I don't want to die, usually. This wasn't the plan... : /
I dropped out of university last November 2020 with 4 months left before graduation when I was told I had a brain tumor and needed emergency surgery. The tumor was benign, but complications from the procedure left me unable to walk for 6+ months., Even now, my blood pressure tanks if I spend more than a few minutes on my feet.
I was so ambitious before all this happened, I had applications for programs across the country. I was going to make a difference. I return to school in January 2022 but I feel so stupid. I don't remember anything I need to know to return, my motivation is so low, I feel like an idiot watching all my friends and colleagues move on with their lives and dream jobs.
Covid exacerbated an already physically isolating recovery. My agoraphobia got so bad in the spring/summer that I would go weeks without leaving my apartment. I had fail panic attacks at the thought of even leaving my room to use the bathroom, haha. I moved to a safer situation and started taking part time classes in August to prepare for returning to school, and i was doing so much better! Riding the bus to the library, eating, volunteering. I started taking meds again!
This past 2 months I have returned to my lowest, or, surpassed it I guess. I'm paranoid, absolutely frozen, I can't think straight. I cry at nothing and go weeks without showering. Sometimes I swear I hear and see things I know aren't there. I had one year when I was 15 that was this bad, but it wore off before I ever attempted. I am really scared right now. I am at my lowest, with such a poorly functionibg body and so many hard deadlines on the horizon. I'm afraid I don't have the resilience to do this anymore. I'm scared to talk to anyone about it- I don't have time for inpatient and it's not like I've been historically very honest during psych exams haha. I am grateful for the space to be candid with you all about my fears and ideation. I hope we can be friends.

Hi, actually your story has kept me quiet for quite a while. I'm so sorry about what's happening to you, it must have been hard for you to end up in this situation being so young and with so many projects ahead. But friend, you must not give up, your physical condition is not an impediment to fulfill your goals, right now your only enemy is your mind, which is playing with you, this happens to many of us around here, But even if we don't say it, we all hope to find the right medication for our problem. You're probably in post-traumatic stress peril. If you need to talk, you can write to me, I won't judge you.
Peace and be free

 

[Esteban Il Divino]

Hello, I am Esteban. Sorry for the mistakes, English is not my native language.

It is my first ever post here.
I found this website about a year ago, and came regularly since.
Beyond all informations available here, the great treasure for me here is to find so many relatable stories, many people who share their difficulties, and everyone seems to be extremely benevolent and supporting with each other.

So the first and only thing I have to say right now is how grateful I am that this website exists.
So Thank all of you !
I sincerely wish to everyone to find what they are looking for.

Sorry again for my english.

 

[Harriet]

Hi
I'm female from the UK London area. I've struggled with bpd/ bipolar for a long time and after an unsuccessful attempt on my life this summer was put on lamotrigine on top of the anti depressants I already take. The thing is it's stabilised my moods but to the extent I'm a zombie, I have no feelings left. It's hard to explain. I have so much shit in my life but now I can't even cry. When I was up and down before the highs and lows were insane but at least I could feel. I guess I thought I'd find people here who would relate. I still have suicidal ideation but it isn't as active as it was before, more abstract. But I hate myself even more now. I hope this makes sense to someone? X

 

[cambrai33]

Hi
I'm female from the UK London area. I've struggled with bpd/ bipolar for a long time and after an unsuccessful attempt on my life this summer was put on lamotrigine on top of the anti depressants I already take. The thing is it's stabilised my moods but to the extent I'm a zombie, I have no feelings left. It's hard to explain. I have so much shit in my life but now I can't even cry. When I was up and down before the highs and lows were insane but at least I could feel. I guess I thought I'd find people here who would relate. I still have suicidal ideation but it isn't as active as it was before, more abstract. But I hate myself even more now. I hope this makes sense to someone? X

Oh I get what you mean totally. Even though I am not on any medication my councillor says what has happened is I have blocked out all emotion as I can't process it. I too walk around like a zombie, I look down not wanting to make any kind of contact with others, my eyes are about to burst but I keep it in.

Its almost like I am disconnected from my emotional self, not remembering who I used to be and now living life on auto pilot trying to function when I need to but existing in a pit of nothingness the rest of the time.

When this first started I thought therapy would fix me up and life would be great but now I feel I am on a conveyor belt that's slowly taking me to a furnace but I don't have the right words or self belief to stop it.

Welcome here and yes I definitely relate x

 

[Harriet]

Oh I get what you mean totally. Even though I am not on any medication my councillor says what has happened is I have blocked out all emotion as I can't process it. I too walk around like a zombie, I look down not wanting to make any kind of contact with others, my eyes are about to burst but I keep it in.

Its almost like I am disconnected from my emotional self, not remembering who I used to be and now living life on auto pilot trying to function when I need to but existing in a pit of nothingness the rest of the time.

When this first started I thought therapy would fix me up and life would be great but now I feel I am on a conveyor belt that's slowly taking me to a furnace but I don't have the right words or self belief to stop it.

Welcome here and yes I definitely relate x

Oh my god I can't tell you how much I appreciate your response. I have wondered if I have the same thing of blocking out emotion as I can't process it. And I get exactly what you're saying about not knowing who you used to be. I feel like I'm either manic bipolar suicidal girl, or fucked up zombie girl with a mind full of holes where feelings should be. Is there a real me beyond that?
Thank you for sharing that with me xx

 

[cambrai33]

Oh my god I can't tell you how much I appreciate your response. I have wondered if I have the same thing of blocking out emotion as I can't process it. And I get exactly what you're saying about not knowing who you used to be. I feel like I'm either manic bipolar suicidal girl, or fucked up zombie girl with a mind full of holes where feelings should be. Is there a real me beyond that?
Thank you for sharing that with me xx

You are more than welcome anytime.

Yes that's what the councillor fed back to me about being emotionless. Im not a fan of the labels the medical community give us (though I don't have one yet) as it takes away the individual and puts us in a nice convenient box that fits (whether it does or doesn't).

On a positive note, I do think the real us is still there somewhere but covered in scars and self protection, but I can't remember that version of me, it's what's affected me the most.

My only advice is take the location part off of your post if you can, many here are after personal information and this narrows stuff down too much

Take good care x

 

[Enigmatic Sailor]

I'm not actually suicidal. I don't even know why I'm on this site, tbh.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm not actually suicidal.

Cool.

I don't even know why I'm on this site, tbh.

We don't either. Do you know why there's glass in your oatmeal?

 

[Ashu]

Hello everybody!

I will turn 52 this month: never married, no kids. I am a practicing Catholic. I serve as a lector and Communion minister at my parish: I am also a Lay Carmelite. (For more info on Lay Carmelites see http://laycarmelitespcm.org/, http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/third-order and http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/some-questions-and-answers-about-lay-carmelites.) I am a history buff and like to write fiction (especially alternate history). I suspect that I will likely ctb by suspension hanging once my bedridden mother (for whom I am a caregiver) has passed away, but Mom could easily live another 10 years. Therefore, I find things to do in the meantime and pray for God's mercy.

Now I know that there is someone else here who's exactly my age, and another novelist no less. I might mention that I've actually lived on the real Mount Carmel. Good to know you. It's kindred spirits who make the too-long meantime as easy as possible to bear.

 

[stellabelle]

So tired of waking up.
Tired of shit disturbers.
Tired of being ignored.
Tired of being blamed.
Tired of being stalked.
Tired of being told it's not "enough."
Tired of being provoked.
Tired of "pretend" concern.
Tired of condescending people.
Tired of "over explaining."
Tired of hating the world and everyone in it.
Tired of being mistreated.
Tired of being framed.
Tired of being fucked with.
Tired of a damaged legal system.
Tired of a bad family.
Tired of bad roommates.
Tired of people speaking "for" me instead of "to" me.
Tired of people who seemingly want to rip my life away or "make choices" on my behalf.
Tired of it all.

Been tired.
My whole life.
So fucking tired.
And now.
That's just me.

Too tired.
Too many lies.
Too many bad people.
Too many times.
Too many fuckin game "players" and thieves.
Too many shit disturbers.

 

[Shadowplay]

Hello!

I'm 23M, located somewhere in the god forsaken wasteland of Eastern Yurop.

Want to CTB, because I'm genetic trash, an alien brain dragging a disgusting meat bag through constant failures for no seeming reason. Almost all of the reasons that keep people here seem to not apply, since I have no one to care for, no one who cares about me and am almost completely disconnected from everything and everyone (positive at least, definitely still connect with suffering though).

Don't even enjoy anything anymore, so I just distract myself with whatever I can. Recently it has been work, since messing with code is the least unbearable thing I can do, but the rest of my time I just spend being miserable and overthinking everything.

I'm grateful that a place like this exists, but at the same time it's sad to see so many people (more deserving of life than me) getting beaten down by life like this...

Please tell me Transylvania........ :-P

 

[Ashu]

hello all
im a 21 yr old male from the Balkans
i had the perfect life till my 19 when i got anxiety manifested with physical symptoms only(air hunger,palpitations,etc..)
i went to a psychiatrist in my 20s when they gave me different antidepressants for anxiety and benzos.
The AD only caused me sexual problems,while the lorazepam(benzo) was the perfect drug for me.
I tried 5-6 different drugs,and the last one was trazodone which i took only 3 pills and after i stopped all AD i got testicular pain,shrunk testicles,no errection,no libido,no energy,no buzz from alcohol,restless leg syndrom...

There is no known treatment for this and psychiatrist and psychologist think its in my head
Im emotionally flat and destroyed and wanna end it,since i feel its my moral duty to my self,since all my life i have been the most intellectual,fine looking and great and fun guy to be around with raging libido and lust for life.
I dont wanna live my life looking at the other average shitholess-whom i was like god to them a few months ago,having sex,enjoying life,while i cant sleep,cant love and cry all the time for my past.
Atm im only watching series and movies on my laptop,and while i take a break from that i cant stop but cry in anger knowing its the end of me
I cry because of the pleasure i lost my self,and cry about the loss of my family

Im hoping to find the most suitable method first,and than the guts to do it and i have to do it fast
Regards

This is just so terrible, I'm sorry, the destruction of your sexuality. It was pure chance that the antidepressants didn't do the same to me or any of us. To hell with the scumbag druglords who've always known about this effect, reptiles and parasites. You must know that there is a community of fellow sufferers, and that Dr David Healy, a rare good psychiatrist, is their most prominent champion.

 

[thereisthemist]

greetings from china, although i prefer conversations in english
suicide makes me feel alive so i kept thinking about that, i also like watching people suffer, and hating myself for it
also just a boi who asks too much questions in life and got banished easily
been on anti-anxiety meds for 4 years now, happened some good, and some waste of time/money
lost interest in college although I kept doing it, cuz i have no technique or income to sustain myself in the near future
i also like real life getting destroyed stories here, telling me am not alone and am too coward to make actions irl

basically, genuine but careless self hate and bad energy
always open to talk tho, as long as im online, here, and physically

 

[artificial_ineptness]

Please tell me Transylvania........ :-P

I'm sorry that I have to disappoint you, but no. Although, I might still be a vampire - I even have sharp canines lol

 

[Shadowplay]

I'm sorry that I have to disappoint you, but no. Although, I might still be a vampire - I even have sharp canines lol

Makes sense; a vampire would have little need of a CTB website when they could just walk into the daylight.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Please tell me Transylvania........ :-P

Or Yugoslavia

 

[Enigmatic Sailor]

Do you know why there's glass in your oatmeal?

It helps with digestion. *insert emoji with one eye closed and tongue sticking out*

 

[babydove]

hello :)

long time lurker, but i decided now was the best time to make an account since my deadline was suddenly pushed up.

i'm ?F from the US, and even though i have the usual MDD/GAD/BPD dx, i was pretty under control until the end of grad school when i had a massive new autoimmune flareup that made it where I needed to take time after graduating to get my body into an agreeable state. so now I'm here, unable to get a job with my fancy professional doctorate because i took that time, while the world keeps turning for everyone else. i want a career and a dog and a husband and it really drives home that i've always been fundamentally broken, and bad, and wrong, and i'll never have those things. i'll always be stagnant, watching everybody go by. and i'm so, so tired of being so lonely.

besides all of that garbage, i love animals and science/medicine, and i've never met an eyeliner i didn't wing out.

always here to talk, feel free to reach out

 

[milly]

42yo female from Africa. Bipolar, depression, anxiety have ruined my life. It's been a decade of the roller-coster and I have had it; no more will, courage nor energy left to rebuild my life. Why is it so hard to die? Looking to network, research ctb, and hopefully get some lovely company here. So glad this site exists.

hello :)

long time lurker, but i decided now was the best time to make an account since my deadline was suddenly pushed up.

i'm ?F from the US, and even though i have the usual MDD/GAD/BPD dx, i was pretty under control until the end of grad school when i had a massive new autoimmune flareup that made it where I needed to take time after graduating to get my body into an agreeable state. so now I'm here, unable to get a job with my fancy professional doctorate because i took that time, while the world keeps turning for everyone else. i want a career and a dog and a husband and it really drives home that i've always been fundamentally broken, and bad, and wrong, and i'll never have those things. i'll always be stagnant, watching everybody go by. and i'm so, so tired of being so lonely.

besides all of that garbage, i love animals and science/medicine, and i've never met an eyeliner i didn't wing out.

always here to talk, feel free to reach out

T

hello :)

long time lurker, but i decided now was the best time to make an account since my deadline was suddenly pushed up.

i'm ?F from the US, and even though i have the usual MDD/GAD/BPD dx, i was pretty under control until the end of grad school when i had a massive new autoimmune flareup that made it where I needed to take time after graduating to get my body into an agreeable state. so now I'm here, unable to get a job with my fancy professional doctorate because i took that time, while the world keeps turning for everyone else. i want a career and a dog and a husband and it really drives home that i've always been fundamentally broken, and bad, and wrong, and i'll never have those things. i'll always be stagnant, watching everybody go by. and i'm so, so tired of being so lonely.

besides all of that garbage, i love animals and science/medicine, and i've never met an eyeliner i didn't wing out.

always here to talk, feel free to reach out

what's your doctorate on? pleased to meet you.

 

[EliphasBlackwood]

Hi I guess I'm late with my introductions but whatever. Since an early age I've been suffering from depression and other fun mental illnesses. I've lost every friend I've ever had and only my close family still gives a shit about me. I don't have a job or any education or really anything of worth. Next year I'm turning 30 and it really hit me recently that this is what my life is going to be forever and I cant fucking take it. So I'm ending it. I've not set a date yet but I feel like.. March at the latest.

 

[babydove]

what's your doctorate on? pleased to meet you.

i have a pharm.d. (doctor of pharmacy). nice to meet you as well!

 

[milly]

i have a pharm.d. (doctor of pharmacy). nice to meet you as well!

Fauci and the Omicron crew need you :)
@babydove one of my depression-inspired "regrets" is not pursuing a phd while i could. [insert envious emoji]
ps - doves n cats aren't friends @babydove

 

[Dreamlike Reality]

Hello . . . My name is Krueger ! I was just allowed entry onto this website , so I guess I will introduce myself now . . .
I am a 19 year old lover of marine science and also looking for a way to ctb . I have already attempted twice , unsuccessfully , and I hope this place will serve as a good resource when my date comes .
I don't know what else to say other than I have covert SchizoidPD, I am very knowledgeable on sharks and cannibalism because they are my two interests . I also make music and art . . . I am learning German for my boyfriend . . . That is all !

 

[Enigmatic Sailor]

Hello . . . My name is Krueger ! I was just allowed entry onto this website , so I guess I will introduce myself now . . .
I am a 19 year old lover of marine science and also looking for a way to ctb . I have already attempted twice , unsuccessfully , and I hope this place will serve as a good resource when my date comes .
I don't know what else to say other than I have covert SchizoidPD, I am very knowledgeable on sharks and cannibalism because they are my two interests . I also make music and art . . . I am learning German for my boyfriend . . . That is all !

Cute! Sharks are pretty badass animals. Cannibalism is also interesting (would never do it, ew lol) because it reminds me of the Polynesian islanders who perform it at funeral rituals.

 

[Laowaiboss]

Greetings from Mexico, I'm 32, actually French, just living in Mexico.

I'm considering crossing the line with SN, which I already own, because I have seen and done everything that interested me in this world, I have traveled all around the place to every corners of the world on all 5 continents and I can't seem to find new meaning to keep me running.

Now I'd like to see what lies beyond, and don't try to convince me that there isn't anything there, your opinion, not mine, I do believe in the afterlife although not what is described in the books. I'm actually not depressed but excited to do it.

I have already read the SN guide and wiki, so I might just post a thread when I finally decide to do it.

Cheers.

 

[theloserestloser]

Hey everyone. I'm 22f from the US. Been depressed for a while, been through all the stuff everyone always tells you to do so now I'm here. I'm a college student (fifth year because of depression, hooray). I don't really have a personality outside of mental illness and autism so there's not much to say about me lol.

 

[justsayin]

Fauci and the Omicron crew need you :)
@babydove one of my depression-inspired "regrets" is not pursuing a phd while i could. [insert envious emoji]
ps - doves n cats aren't friends @babydove

I did pursue postgraduate studies when I had the chance, so I would not regret it later. It did not end well. Still ended up here.

 

[milly]

@babydove - one more point of envy: isn't it relatively easy for a pharm.d to get hold of ctb regimen?

I did pursue postgraduate studies when I had the chance, so I would not regret it later. It did not end well. Still ended up here.

If mental health respected conventional success most of the lot wouldn't be here.

 

[babydove]

@babydove - one more point of envy: isn't it relatively easy for a pharm.d to get hold of ctb regimen?

@milly i wish! if it were i'd have peaced out already :) alas, i get to struggle like everyone else.