Gloom
Autistic Dumbass
- Sep 20, 2020
- 52
Mental
Member
- Oct 12, 2021
- 38
Hello, I am a 21 years old student from Spain, I sincerely ended up here out of desperation, I needed a place where I could read people who were with my own thoughts, who read what I feel and didn't judge, who shared their problems in turn.I love writing poetry, I think it's the most beautiful thing there can be besides reading or listening to music.So far my presentation sounds like ideal writing, but I'm not that ideal. I've been going to therapy for a long time, on various topics, childhood sexual abuse, bulimia, depression, anxiety, and then I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Honestly,I wish I could die,I wish I had died the times I tried to kill myself.I hate my life,my mind,my body,everybody.
Idontrecognizemyself
Thank you for listening
- Oct 26, 2021
- 79
Hello : )
My name is Ezra, I am a 22 year old student from Oregon. I don't want to die, usually. This wasn't the plan... : /
I dropped out of university last November 2020 with 4 months left before graduation when I was told I had a brain tumor and needed emergency surgery. The tumor was benign, but complications from the procedure left me unable to walk for 6+ months., Even now, my blood pressure tanks if I spend more than a few minutes on my feet.
I was so ambitious before all this happened, I had applications for programs across the country. I was going to make a difference. I return to school in January 2022 but I feel so stupid. I don't remember anything I need to know to return, my motivation is so low, I feel like an idiot watching all my friends and colleagues move on with their lives and dream jobs.
Covid exacerbated an already physically isolating recovery. My agoraphobia got so bad in the spring/summer that I would go weeks without leaving my apartment. I had fail panic attacks at the thought of even leaving my room to use the bathroom, haha. I moved to a safer situation and started taking part time classes in August to prepare for returning to school, and i was doing so much better! Riding the bus to the library, eating, volunteering. I started taking meds again!
This past 2 months I have returned to my lowest, or, surpassed it I guess. I'm paranoid, absolutely frozen, I can't think straight. I cry at nothing and go weeks without showering. Sometimes I swear I hear and see things I know aren't there. I had one year when I was 15 that was this bad, but it wore off before I ever attempted. I am really scared right now. I am at my lowest, with such a poorly functionibg body and so many hard deadlines on the horizon. I'm afraid I don't have the resilience to do this anymore. I'm scared to talk to anyone about it- I don't have time for inpatient and it's not like I've been historically very honest during psych exams haha. I am grateful for the space to be candid with you all about my fears and ideation. I hope we can be friends.
My name is Ezra, I am a 22 year old student from Oregon. I don't want to die, usually. This wasn't the plan... : /
I dropped out of university last November 2020 with 4 months left before graduation when I was told I had a brain tumor and needed emergency surgery. The tumor was benign, but complications from the procedure left me unable to walk for 6+ months., Even now, my blood pressure tanks if I spend more than a few minutes on my feet.
I was so ambitious before all this happened, I had applications for programs across the country. I was going to make a difference. I return to school in January 2022 but I feel so stupid. I don't remember anything I need to know to return, my motivation is so low, I feel like an idiot watching all my friends and colleagues move on with their lives and dream jobs.
Covid exacerbated an already physically isolating recovery. My agoraphobia got so bad in the spring/summer that I would go weeks without leaving my apartment. I had fail panic attacks at the thought of even leaving my room to use the bathroom, haha. I moved to a safer situation and started taking part time classes in August to prepare for returning to school, and i was doing so much better! Riding the bus to the library, eating, volunteering. I started taking meds again!
This past 2 months I have returned to my lowest, or, surpassed it I guess. I'm paranoid, absolutely frozen, I can't think straight. I cry at nothing and go weeks without showering. Sometimes I swear I hear and see things I know aren't there. I had one year when I was 15 that was this bad, but it wore off before I ever attempted. I am really scared right now. I am at my lowest, with such a poorly functionibg body and so many hard deadlines on the horizon. I'm afraid I don't have the resilience to do this anymore. I'm scared to talk to anyone about it- I don't have time for inpatient and it's not like I've been historically very honest during psych exams haha. I am grateful for the space to be candid with you all about my fears and ideation. I hope we can be friends.
AhogeSuspension
ROTTING OTAKU
- Sep 7, 2021
- 13
Hi, I am 18 years old girl, schizoaffective depressive type and unmedicated. I grew up surrounded by severe violence and it probably messed with my head in some way.. I have liked the idea of suicide since a VERY young age and used to be a cutter I stopped because it's cringe though. Maybe you have seen my photos floating around, I self harmed more for shock factor and to push myself to my limits rather than suicidality. I am extremely lonely and rarely talk to anyone so be warned if you PM me I have no idea how to hold a conversation. I cope heavy with anime and have a collection of nearly 1000 items, sadly. I enjoy anime focusing on cute girls the best. I am maybe waiting for the Yuru Camp movie and BOTW2 to come out before I do anything. Not if they drag their feet though.
Nice to meet you
Nice to meet you
Hi guys, Im a 32 years old in south europe and i need to die as soon as possibile, all my relatives have died in the past years and i have no friends so nobody will miss me or get hurt, basically i've lost my family due to cancer when i was 12, im full of debt and they keep just accumulating in less than a year i will be forced to live on the streets and this is something i need to avoid at all costs. I try to distract my self every day, books, videogames, movie, and maybe for a short time i forget all my problems and i feel like a normal human being but then the magic stops and in the end of the day when it gets dark i'm always at starting point, alone, broken and hopless. I've tried to purchase some "methods" online but i got scammed because im also pretty stupid, im joining this community in hope to find a help and also a method i can "easily" obtain.
Also sorry for my terrible english
Also sorry for my terrible english
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cambrai33
Traveller
- Nov 3, 2021
- 386
Hi everyone
it was such a relief to be accepted yesterday, to be able to share my true self rather than this persona that I show others
currently in therapy and assessed as extremely distressed with acute anxiety, thankfully not viewed as at risk of self harm which I have managed to keep hidden.
My decision to ctb has given me a sense of calm but also guilt as I have lied/hidden the true darkness that occupies my day and night. I am loved by many but most importantly not by myself and have no sense of worth anymore
i hope to share my ctb plan in the next days having learnt so much from the forum already. In brief I plan to combine co2 and night night, the details not being worked out but both as options on the night.
Thoughts always to you all
it was such a relief to be accepted yesterday, to be able to share my true self rather than this persona that I show others
currently in therapy and assessed as extremely distressed with acute anxiety, thankfully not viewed as at risk of self harm which I have managed to keep hidden.
My decision to ctb has given me a sense of calm but also guilt as I have lied/hidden the true darkness that occupies my day and night. I am loved by many but most importantly not by myself and have no sense of worth anymore
i hope to share my ctb plan in the next days having learnt so much from the forum already. In brief I plan to combine co2 and night night, the details not being worked out but both as options on the night.
Thoughts always to you all
SoDead
Member
- Nov 2, 2021
- 50
Hi. I am from Eastern Europe, outside EU. Hopefully my English is acceptable.
I'm male, soon I'll be 33. Already quite tired of life. Since childhood I was rather unfortunate. All major things in life, be it school, or work, or relocation, or attempts to participate in various organizations or otherwise connect with people, resulted in too much suffering and failure. I was probably 12 years old when I thought about suicide seriously for the first time. Twenty years passed, and it did not get better. It got worse, since by now I have much to regret about missed opportunities, made mistakes and etc, and this hurts a lot.
There are many problems with me. Among them lack of energy and work aversion, making me unable to work full time. Fortunately I was able to find long-term part time job paying enough to live fine in a small city in a poor country. On the other hand, even this often feels painful or disgusting, and I must force myself into doing it, day after day. Should I lose it, probably I will not find another one and countdown to death will start. I was close to this a few times.
I find myself in a strange intersection of being gay and being asexual. It makes really hard to find somebody else like you, practically impossible in a small city. Depression, lack of energy and little interest in many things which most people find interesting do not help to find friends either. I am not completely lonely now, still I do not have really close relationships with anyone. In past there were periods when for more than a year I was almost completely isolated, living in solitude and meeting no one in person.
I also have a tendency of gaining weight easily, but not losing it. I really like to eat a lot but really hate being overweight, not to say obese, which results in a permanent state of war with myself for many years. Eventually I managed to force my body-mass-index into being normal (yet far from fine), but in order to control it I have to follow a strict but bizarre diet which allows to eat a lot but rarely. During regular periods of fasting life can seem especially grim.
Recently I started to think more about suicide. Years which could have been the best ones are already lost in a rather meaningless way. Time is running faster and faster. There is little reason to expect something good in the future, but many reasons to expect something bad if not terrible. I've ordered a poison and soon will possess it. Not sure when I will use it, may be having a way out at hand will make life somewhat more comfortable.
I'm male, soon I'll be 33. Already quite tired of life. Since childhood I was rather unfortunate. All major things in life, be it school, or work, or relocation, or attempts to participate in various organizations or otherwise connect with people, resulted in too much suffering and failure. I was probably 12 years old when I thought about suicide seriously for the first time. Twenty years passed, and it did not get better. It got worse, since by now I have much to regret about missed opportunities, made mistakes and etc, and this hurts a lot.
There are many problems with me. Among them lack of energy and work aversion, making me unable to work full time. Fortunately I was able to find long-term part time job paying enough to live fine in a small city in a poor country. On the other hand, even this often feels painful or disgusting, and I must force myself into doing it, day after day. Should I lose it, probably I will not find another one and countdown to death will start. I was close to this a few times.
I find myself in a strange intersection of being gay and being asexual. It makes really hard to find somebody else like you, practically impossible in a small city. Depression, lack of energy and little interest in many things which most people find interesting do not help to find friends either. I am not completely lonely now, still I do not have really close relationships with anyone. In past there were periods when for more than a year I was almost completely isolated, living in solitude and meeting no one in person.
I also have a tendency of gaining weight easily, but not losing it. I really like to eat a lot but really hate being overweight, not to say obese, which results in a permanent state of war with myself for many years. Eventually I managed to force my body-mass-index into being normal (yet far from fine), but in order to control it I have to follow a strict but bizarre diet which allows to eat a lot but rarely. During regular periods of fasting life can seem especially grim.
Recently I started to think more about suicide. Years which could have been the best ones are already lost in a rather meaningless way. Time is running faster and faster. There is little reason to expect something good in the future, but many reasons to expect something bad if not terrible. I've ordered a poison and soon will possess it. Not sure when I will use it, may be having a way out at hand will make life somewhat more comfortable.
cambrai33
Traveller
- Nov 3, 2021
- 386
Each night in the evening I take 8 solphadine tablets as they tend to dull things in my head. The consequence is they give you really vivid dreams. A couple of weeks ago I was dreaming about being in a room of an old house, not a creepy house just old, anyway none of the doors would open so I couldn't leave the room but then one opened and a figure came through it, I only saw the shape of the figure, not a scary person but strong and deliberate.
The figure came towards me and held me in like a strong hug, I felt the life force, the memories and all that was troubling me leave my conscious self and draw into the person holding me. In that moment I suddenly knew it was my time to go, like it had come to give me a message, it felt real and it felt in the moment, like I imagine those non reversible moments as somebody is in the ctb process and leaving this place. The sense of what was happening felt so real that it woke me but I was shaken with hairs on end and goosebumps.
I walked downstairs to keep myself awake and tried to process how real it felt, in that moment I took it as a sign that my bus is waiting for me and I needed to take those steps to finally find a peace that my tormented living body won't ever find again.
So here I am now, calm and for the first time in control of my destiny, making real preparations and not just thinking about it. As things arrive I will detail my methods and hope to help others in the same place I have found myself
sorry for being so long winded, I can talk of this nowhere else
29, female, UK.
Suicidal ideation is something that I've had as long as I can remember. I've got a plan in motion after lurking here for a while. I've started posting just to make sure I've got my sources correct
thank you for having me!
Suicidal ideation is something that I've had as long as I can remember. I've got a plan in motion after lurking here for a while. I've started posting just to make sure I've got my sources correct
thank you for having me!
Hans Voralberg
Experienced
- Nov 6, 2021
- 229
Hi, I'm completly new here. Here is my story. I'm 22 years old and I was thinking about suicide since I end 12. My parents never love each other. They both were from alcoholic families. My mom was beaten by her father in childhood. My father was abandon by his mother when he was a child. So as my mom.My mother literally forced my father to made me and so I was born without his love and I always felt odd when I was with him. He screamed on me and my mother regulary and abused us emotionally. Firstly I was holding my breath to feel this peace and dizzines during family fights when I was hiding in bathroom. But this wasn't enough and I start to suffocate with different iteams like towels or belts to run away from pain in my head. At my 18 birthday I finally nearly fully CTB by full suspension but belt which I was using was too wide and my head literally just slipped out at last moment. I had a red scar after that but my parents never thought I am suicidal until their divorce. Sometimes I using razor to cut my skin to feel anything.I feel emotionally disconnected from people like I can't create any romantical bond with girl even If I try and want to be in relationship and give someone love. I feel emotionally alienated from this world like piece of different puzzle but I'm very empathetic and can feel emotions of other very strong and well. I like poetry very much, write and read and my favorite anime is Death Note. Death always fascinate me. I never had fear of dying in my entire life. I'm afraid of losing people I love and hurting them with my CTB especially my mom. I love cats and horror movies as well especially classics like Dracula. I can eat tons of pizza when I'm sad. Thank you everyone who read this post. I'm very grateful that this forum exist and I finally found persons who are just like me It means a lot to me that I can write with you. Sorry if my English is partially plain it's not my native language.
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Hello, 21 year old male from Sweden here. Not really sure about what to write, but it feels good to be part of a community with like minded people. This will be my first ever post. Even though I'm anonymous it still feels scary, because this is the first time I'm sharing my suicidal thoughts with anyone. My therapist knows I'm depressed, but they're the only person who knows about that. I'm still too scared to open up about the suicidal part of it irl, to them, out of fear of being hospitalized against my will. Telling a family member is not an option for me either. Partly because their views on people with mental health issues, but also because all they would do would be to worry about me killing myself, which I'll probably do sooner or later anyway. Informing them would only make me feel guilty (even though I logically know that guilt doesn't belong to me or anyone else). In the meantime, joining this community, maybe talking to and reading about other people who struggle with the same thing would make me feel less alone. Hopefully this text will make someone else feel less alone too.
//alotofcookiesandmilk
//alotofcookiesandmilk
Hello, thanks for letting me join. I would like to keep my situation private and my post short. I am a male and want to
browse this website to educate myself. I agree with the right to die movement for those who are terminally ill.
Questions:
Where is the search bar? Sorry but it can't be found based on my recent experience.
What's the policy on sharing links? I see some posts with links to other websites, and yet one user says "Giving out links is prohibited on the forum".
Thanks for your help!
browse this website to educate myself. I agree with the right to die movement for those who are terminally ill.
Questions:
Where is the search bar? Sorry but it can't be found based on my recent experience.
What's the policy on sharing links? I see some posts with links to other websites, and yet one user says "Giving out links is prohibited on the forum".
Thanks for your help!
ghost_
Boo!
- Nov 10, 2021
- 111
hi, im ghost_. I am 20 years old and attending university. I joined this forum because I feel very alone and wanted too talk to people who think like me. I like horror movies and Starwars movies and my hobby is reading. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about anything.
Ky204
Member
- Sep 3, 2019
- 97
I figured I should reintroduce myself since I haven't been on this site for awhile.
I joined this forum 2 years ago, since then I've had 3 failed attempts. I keep looking back and thinking that they were failures for a reason, which was because I was not actually ready to die and committed to fully going through with it. And even if that might still be the case I'm glad I have this place to go back to.
I joined this forum 2 years ago, since then I've had 3 failed attempts. I keep looking back and thinking that they were failures for a reason, which was because I was not actually ready to die and committed to fully going through with it. And even if that might still be the case I'm glad I have this place to go back to.
What do you major in?
Do you have friends or boyfriend?
JinZhin
we are in hell
- Nov 2, 2021
- 185
Hello everyone,
I am 21 she/her
my life is going nowhere, I'm what you'd call previously gifted child that didn't find a way in the real world.
I study math and comp sci which I love, or used to love but I probably won't get the degree for the next 5 years or so due to failing so many classes and my dysfunction.
Thinking about the job market and late stage capitalism has been making me scared ever since I was 8. Knew I'm not cut for it.
Franky I hoped to be dead for all my life, and still do.
That's it, hope we become friends!
I am 21 she/her
my life is going nowhere, I'm what you'd call previously gifted child that didn't find a way in the real world.
I study math and comp sci which I love, or used to love but I probably won't get the degree for the next 5 years or so due to failing so many classes and my dysfunction.
Thinking about the job market and late stage capitalism has been making me scared ever since I was 8. Knew I'm not cut for it.
Franky I hoped to be dead for all my life, and still do.
That's it, hope we become friends!
Do you like maths?
If yes, why do you fail so many classes?
By the way, what country are you from?
HeckingHecked
Student
- Nov 9, 2021
- 182
Hi there!
I am unable to function in normal life due to my BPD and excruciating hopelessness/trauma.
I am unable to function in normal life due to my BPD and excruciating hopelessness/trauma.
heavygloom
New Member
- Nov 9, 2021
- 2
Hey. I'm Maxxie (the closest thing to my name I'll go by here). I'm 25, cis, she/her, from the United States. I've had post-traumatic stress disorder for the past 22 years of my life, starting after an event when I was 3, and it went untreated until I was 19 and had a serious breakdown related to it. It ruined my life and also left some minor physical damage. I'm a university student finishing up undergrad--I've had to take multiple leaves of absence in high school and college to be hospitalized, and most recently for ECT and then treatment for being underweight. CTB is always an option for me. I have made one major pre-planned attempt, not counting the one made during an episode of vegetative psychotic depression my last year of high school, which I can barely remember.
I'm going through a really recent and painful breakup right now. My favorite genre of music is pop punk & alt/indie (feels so cringe typing that). I've never drank or done drugs other than weed. Every serious problem I've exhibited in my life has been related to the post-traumatic stress I developed from my trauma: an eating disorder, anger challenges, previous SH, sexual dysfunction (which fucking sucks and has lost me so many potentially good partners). Never been violent toward anyone. Just scared all the time, under all the layers malformed by years of the disease being untreated.
The worst part is that one of my most visceral "triggers" from my post-traumatic stress is medical/surgical masks. Yup. I've been toeing hell since the pandemic started. So I'm here.
I'm going through a really recent and painful breakup right now. My favorite genre of music is pop punk & alt/indie (feels so cringe typing that). I've never drank or done drugs other than weed. Every serious problem I've exhibited in my life has been related to the post-traumatic stress I developed from my trauma: an eating disorder, anger challenges, previous SH, sexual dysfunction (which fucking sucks and has lost me so many potentially good partners). Never been violent toward anyone. Just scared all the time, under all the layers malformed by years of the disease being untreated.
The worst part is that one of my most visceral "triggers" from my post-traumatic stress is medical/surgical masks. Yup. I've been toeing hell since the pandemic started. So I'm here.
ghost_
Boo!
- Nov 10, 2021
- 111
I'm majoring in English ! and i have a couple friends but we have been drifting apart . and no i don't have a boyfriend at the moment
JinZhin
we are in hell
- Nov 2, 2021
- 185
Hey, I do like math, applied as well as pure. My favourite subjects are analysis and logic.
I think I failed them due to many reasons combined, such as poor (unexistent ) communication with my TAs, professors but mostly is just losing hope and giving up mentally in a way (I think anyone who took math class and just skipped 3 weeks of lectures in the middle of semester can relate to this), and our classes were 100% online, which is not bad per se but cased many difficulties to me at times , also had to deal with some family issues but most of it didn't screw me over as much as just my terrible mental state.
In the end, these are just lame excuses, even in my eyes.
I'm from Serbia btw
I think I failed them due to many reasons combined, such as poor (unexistent ) communication with my TAs, professors but mostly is just losing hope and giving up mentally in a way (I think anyone who took math class and just skipped 3 weeks of lectures in the middle of semester can relate to this), and our classes were 100% online, which is not bad per se but cased many difficulties to me at times , also had to deal with some family issues but most of it didn't screw me over as much as just my terrible mental state.
In the end, these are just lame excuses, even in my eyes.
I'm from Serbia btw
There once was a boy named Beeper,
Known by many to be quite the sleeper,
Though try as he may,
To keep the voices at bay,
The demons were his true keeper.
He triumphed at times through strength,
But the demons' leash was a fixed length,
Throughout life he tried,
But his brain was fried,
All thanks to a mind that was wrength.
They say he had Bipolar Disorder,
But he felt he could live through order,
Each time that he won,
They said he was done,
And made sure that his life was shorter.
At times he was truly manic,
To all he seemed kinda frantic,
It's times like these,
When he is not at ease,
The demons destroy his life through magic.
Known by many to be quite the sleeper,
Though try as he may,
To keep the voices at bay,
The demons were his true keeper.
He triumphed at times through strength,
But the demons' leash was a fixed length,
Throughout life he tried,
But his brain was fried,
All thanks to a mind that was wrength.
They say he had Bipolar Disorder,
But he felt he could live through order,
Each time that he won,
They said he was done,
And made sure that his life was shorter.
At times he was truly manic,
To all he seemed kinda frantic,
It's times like these,
When he is not at ease,
The demons destroy his life through magic.
YMN
even a procrastinator in suicide
- Nov 14, 2021
- 60
This is my first post here, so sorry if I messed something up.
Hi, I'm YMN! I'm a 20 year old gal in college that's been depressed for nearly a decade and on and off suicidal for about 7 years. I've always wanted to die or saw suicide as a last ditch resort, but sometimes I'd slightly improved mentally before hitting rock bottom again. Which has become a cycle where the lapses of stability shorten and I've progressively gotten worse as the years go by. At this point I'm tired of trying and I don't see myself ever being remotely content with life. I was bullied pretty badly from elementary all the way through high school. At home my sister wasn't much better to me emotionally, and my parents are old-fashioned about mental health. My only real effective outlet was self harm and I grew up into an asocial shut-in that just wants to ctb.
Sorry for the rambling. It's kinda comforting to finally have a place to say this all openly without worrying about having the cops called on me.
But on a lighter note I like to draw and play video games as hobbies. Though I'm not very good at either. I have a bit of a knack for creative writing and crafts, but honestly I'm worse at those haha. I joined the forum because I wanted to be around and talk to people who can empathize with what I'm feeling. I don't know how much I'll post here, but it's nice to meet you!
Hi, I'm YMN! I'm a 20 year old gal in college that's been depressed for nearly a decade and on and off suicidal for about 7 years. I've always wanted to die or saw suicide as a last ditch resort, but sometimes I'd slightly improved mentally before hitting rock bottom again. Which has become a cycle where the lapses of stability shorten and I've progressively gotten worse as the years go by. At this point I'm tired of trying and I don't see myself ever being remotely content with life. I was bullied pretty badly from elementary all the way through high school. At home my sister wasn't much better to me emotionally, and my parents are old-fashioned about mental health. My only real effective outlet was self harm and I grew up into an asocial shut-in that just wants to ctb.
Sorry for the rambling. It's kinda comforting to finally have a place to say this all openly without worrying about having the cops called on me.
But on a lighter note I like to draw and play video games as hobbies. Though I'm not very good at either. I have a bit of a knack for creative writing and crafts, but honestly I'm worse at those haha. I joined the forum because I wanted to be around and talk to people who can empathize with what I'm feeling. I don't know how much I'll post here, but it's nice to meet you!
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Hello all, and thanks SS staff for accepting me into the community.
Really not much to say about myself.
I will say, I am American male, pushing 60, and at the end of my rope.
And that, I don't want to die. Yet. But, I see suicide as being better alternative than what lies ahead for me.
All things considered.
And that I am Old. Tired. Battle-weary.
Really not much to say about myself.
I will say, I am American male, pushing 60, and at the end of my rope.
And that, I don't want to die. Yet. But, I see suicide as being better alternative than what lies ahead for me.
All things considered.
And that I am Old. Tired. Battle-weary.
kovu
unendlichkeit
- Nov 15, 2021
- 82
Hey! I'm tsunamitea and I'm an 18-year-old guy from Austria. I've joined this forum to... wear myself down?
I haven't been able to gather the courage to ctb again since my first attempt in October this year failed. I'm practically living with the mindset of "Tomorrow I'll do it" and then when tomorrow comes around, I'm again like "Tomorrow I'll do it". This kind of interferes with school because I can't get myself to do anything other than sleep and waste my time playing video games to pass the time. While I was still able to motivate myself to do stuff, I liked reading, writing and drawing.
I think I also have social anxiety but I'm too afraid to ask for help - the irony. I can't talk to my mother, I don't have a father, I have a single friend with whom I practically only communicate online, ... I hate the school I attend, I hate my home life, I hate myself, my body, my voice, my face, my gender, etc.
Feel like I'm falling into a rant, so I should probably stop now.
I hope I can find people to chat with on here or just something to push me over the edge.
Thanks for reading.
I haven't been able to gather the courage to ctb again since my first attempt in October this year failed. I'm practically living with the mindset of "Tomorrow I'll do it" and then when tomorrow comes around, I'm again like "Tomorrow I'll do it". This kind of interferes with school because I can't get myself to do anything other than sleep and waste my time playing video games to pass the time. While I was still able to motivate myself to do stuff, I liked reading, writing and drawing.
I think I also have social anxiety but I'm too afraid to ask for help - the irony. I can't talk to my mother, I don't have a father, I have a single friend with whom I practically only communicate online, ... I hate the school I attend, I hate my home life, I hate myself, my body, my voice, my face, my gender, etc.
Feel like I'm falling into a rant, so I should probably stop now.
I hope I can find people to chat with on here or just something to push me over the edge.
Thanks for reading.
artificial_ineptness
Member
- Nov 14, 2021
- 93
Hello!
I'm 23M, located somewhere in the god forsaken wasteland of Eastern Yurop.
Want to CTB, because I'm genetic trash, an alien brain dragging a disgusting meat bag through constant failures for no seeming reason. Almost all of the reasons that keep people here seem to not apply, since I have no one to care for, no one who cares about me and am almost completely disconnected from everything and everyone (positive at least, definitely still connect with suffering though).
Don't even enjoy anything anymore, so I just distract myself with whatever I can. Recently it has been work, since messing with code is the least unbearable thing I can do, but the rest of my time I just spend being miserable and overthinking everything.
I'm grateful that a place like this exists, but at the same time it's sad to see so many people (more deserving of life than me) getting beaten down by life like this...
I'm 23M, located somewhere in the god forsaken wasteland of Eastern Yurop.
Want to CTB, because I'm genetic trash, an alien brain dragging a disgusting meat bag through constant failures for no seeming reason. Almost all of the reasons that keep people here seem to not apply, since I have no one to care for, no one who cares about me and am almost completely disconnected from everything and everyone (positive at least, definitely still connect with suffering though).
Don't even enjoy anything anymore, so I just distract myself with whatever I can. Recently it has been work, since messing with code is the least unbearable thing I can do, but the rest of my time I just spend being miserable and overthinking everything.
I'm grateful that a place like this exists, but at the same time it's sad to see so many people (more deserving of life than me) getting beaten down by life like this...
Olorin
Member
- Nov 16, 2021
- 12
Greetings from Croatia
32M
Been reading through this forum on and off since about the beginning of the year. My problems are nothing spectacular - shitty household, depression and anxiety, probably some kind of autism too. Never seriously thought about ctb until last few months. I just can't live like this any more.
Always been a quiet, aloof kid. Parents would rarely talk to each other so I guess I never learned to speak in company. Didn't even know something was wrong until it was too late. I think depression started with puberty. Nothing changed much since.
My only jobs have been summer jobs, in the kitchen. I tried to be good and give my all hoping something would finally change but mental problems would always make me sing sooner or later.
Being on my own with a bunch of mostly young people cemented that I cannot connect meaningfully with anyone. Seeing 18-y-olds who have more life experience and generally just being better than me at everything isn't helping either. Getting funny looks when I say I never did this or that hits me like a hammer.
I accomplished nothing, I went nowhere, I didn't live through anything, never had gf.
I have two or three friends but we're drifting more and more with each year. I'm desperate to vent but I don't feel the need to talk with any of the few people I have, least of all family.
I just don't know what to do anymore
32M
Been reading through this forum on and off since about the beginning of the year. My problems are nothing spectacular - shitty household, depression and anxiety, probably some kind of autism too. Never seriously thought about ctb until last few months. I just can't live like this any more.
Always been a quiet, aloof kid. Parents would rarely talk to each other so I guess I never learned to speak in company. Didn't even know something was wrong until it was too late. I think depression started with puberty. Nothing changed much since.
My only jobs have been summer jobs, in the kitchen. I tried to be good and give my all hoping something would finally change but mental problems would always make me sing sooner or later.
Being on my own with a bunch of mostly young people cemented that I cannot connect meaningfully with anyone. Seeing 18-y-olds who have more life experience and generally just being better than me at everything isn't helping either. Getting funny looks when I say I never did this or that hits me like a hammer.
I accomplished nothing, I went nowhere, I didn't live through anything, never had gf.
I have two or three friends but we're drifting more and more with each year. I'm desperate to vent but I don't feel the need to talk with any of the few people I have, least of all family.
I just don't know what to do anymore
FarSquid
Alone, at the end of everything
- Nov 14, 2021
- 8
Hello all,
I'm just your typical former gifted kid turned into wreck of an adult. Work full-time at a shitty job, come home to the cats who are my only reason to not ctb, sleep my life away to avoid it, etc. Don't have a whole lot going for me, don't have anything I want out of life, hence why I'm here. The couple people I've tried to broach the subject with in person have either tried to get me committed or ghosted me, so I'm hoping being here is a better experience, or at least more helpful.
Beyond the sad shit, I do have a thing for writing/editing so hit me up if you need an essay proofread or something lol.
May we all get what we want, and find that we truly did want it.
I'm just your typical former gifted kid turned into wreck of an adult. Work full-time at a shitty job, come home to the cats who are my only reason to not ctb, sleep my life away to avoid it, etc. Don't have a whole lot going for me, don't have anything I want out of life, hence why I'm here. The couple people I've tried to broach the subject with in person have either tried to get me committed or ghosted me, so I'm hoping being here is a better experience, or at least more helpful.
Beyond the sad shit, I do have a thing for writing/editing so hit me up if you need an essay proofread or something lol.
May we all get what we want, and find that we truly did want it.
orange
Experienced
- Nov 19, 2021
- 243
Hello,
I'm unsure what to say in this introduction, I like drawing and plants, and I am very surprised that my username wasn't taken. I'm very glad to have found such a wonderful resource and I hope I won't have to use it for long, as I really just wish to go soon.
I've been suicidal since early childhood and thinking about non existence has always been of great comfort to me, only recently did I realize how actually hard it is to die. Current plant is doable but not the way to go, even though I am sure it's time to finally do it. I'm hoping to find a less painful and quicker way to ctb, and I'll offer support to others in whatever way I can.
Pleased to meet you!
I'm unsure what to say in this introduction, I like drawing and plants, and I am very surprised that my username wasn't taken. I'm very glad to have found such a wonderful resource and I hope I won't have to use it for long, as I really just wish to go soon.
I've been suicidal since early childhood and thinking about non existence has always been of great comfort to me, only recently did I realize how actually hard it is to die. Current plant is doable but not the way to go, even though I am sure it's time to finally do it. I'm hoping to find a less painful and quicker way to ctb, and I'll offer support to others in whatever way I can.
Pleased to meet you!
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