Introduce yourself

[Nope]

I'm technically too young for this site, but I'm done with this shit. I have bad parents and I'm gonna try not to wait until later in life to understand that it's not going to get any better. I don't have a set date but I'm researching so I don't have any failed attempts when I have an opportunity when my parents are away and I have the eqipment.

 

[lunatic]

Hi everyone, I guess I should introduce myself. I've been reading the forum for a while without having an account, so I'm not completely new.

I'm 26 (27 in a few weeks), a woman, from a big city in Sweden. I've struggled with mental issues for most of my life, I've been through a lot of trauma both as a child and adult and I've also been diagnosed with schizophrenia (disorganized type), dissociative symptoms and recurring depression. Also dealing with some chronic pain, but not that severe. I'm in addiction to opiates, mainly heroin, which started as a kind of escapism and self medication for all the mental and physical pain. I've worked before but not in the last couple of years. I'm very isolated and have no friends, which is part of why I joined here I guess. To not feel as lonely in all this.

I like reading, music and video games. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be around, but I'm glad this little corner of the Internet exists.
/A

 

[Marine]

I'm Marine, a 30 year old female from France.

Both of my parents are psychopaths / sociopaths and I'm starting to wonder whether my first and ironically most susbtantial (though still very short) romantic relationship was with some kind of narcissist.

I've been through life long child abuse, harrasment, medical abuse and other kinds of violence, I developped complex post traumatic stress disorder as a result, but only his traumatic abandonment was the thing that almost killed me.

I didn't have a sense of self worth / esteem to begin with, it started forming while I was living with him, and then utterly shattered into the pit of hell...

I've been trying to convince myself that in spite of never having been loved in my life - I was merely a friend with benefits for him - I'm still worthy of love, I certainly have plenty to share, but it gets hard to believe sometimes.

I too often crash thinking that my trying to fix my life is in vain ( I suffer from bulimia / BED despite being a past anorexic and I absolutely loathe fat) and that I'm just no loveable, not capable of existing...

I often feel like complex trauma is going to get in the way of my life until it's effectively killed me but I don't want to end with a wasted life. Especially after having gotten very close to death yet having been brought back.

I just want to overcome it all but it can't be done alone and I can't seem to create that most susbtantial of bonds which I need more than anything... It often feels hopeless though I really dont want to give up.

I don't want to die without finding lasting mutual love and living the way I want. I just don't know if I can find the right person for that.

Otherwise I love japanese culture and language (languages in general btw), video games, board games, personal development, people, psychology, philosophy, arts, litterature, nature, martial arts, walking...
I would like to become a video game scenarist / game designer if I can.

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

I'm Marine, a 30 year old female from France.

Both of my parents are psychopaths / sociopaths and I'm starting to wonder whether my first and ironically most susbtantial (though still very short) romantic relationship was with some kind of narcissist.

I've been through life long child abuse, harrasment, medical abuse and other kinds of violence, I developped complex post traumatic stress disorder as a result, but only his traumatic abandonment was the thing that almost killed me.

I didn't have a sense of self worth / esteem to begin with, it started forming while I was living with him, and then utterly shattered into the pit of hell...

I've been trying to convince myself that in spite of never having been loved in my life - I was merely a friend with benefits for him - I'm still worthy of love, I certainly have plenty to share, but it gets hard to believe sometimes.

I too often crash thinking that my trying to fix my life is in vain ( I suffer from bulimia / BED despite being a past anorexic and I absolutely loathe fat) and that I'm just no loveable, not capable of existing...

I often feel like complex trauma is going to get in the way of my life until it's effectively killed me but I don't want to end with a wasted life. Especially after having gotten very close to death yet having been brought back.

I just want to overcome it all but it can't be done alone and I can't seem to create that most susbtantial of bonds which I need more than anything... It often feels hopeless though I really dont want to give up.

I don't want to die without finding lasting mutual love and living the way I want. I just don't know if I can find the right person for that.

Otherwise I love japanese culture and language (languages in general btw), video games, board games, personal development, people, psychology, philosophy, arts, litterature, nature, martial arts, walking...
I would like to become a video game scenarist / game designer if I can.

So sorry u have eating disorders.
I had eating disorders when i was younger

 

[Marine]

So sorry u have eating disorders.
I had eating disorders when i was younger

I'm trying to overcome it...
It comes with the trauma / lovelessness.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I'm trying to overcome it...
It comes with the trauma / lovelessness.

It sounds like you have been through a lot.
I am so sorry for all of it!

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

I'm trying to overcome it...
It comes with the trauma / lovelessness.

I sure hope u can overcome it. It is extremely difficult to do.

 

[JCAPPY34]

I'm 47 and from the UK and just joined. Complex PTSD and recent severe heartbreak. No attempts but a sincere and developing plan. Don't know whether to expect peace or knowledge on here, but it seems a sensible avenue to wander down. Hi all, by the way!

 

[harkovv]

Hey everyone!
I have been reading the forum for a long time but i just created an account. I'm Julia and I am 20. I am suffering from anxiety and depression. I am in the moment in my life where I want to decide whether to get help and try to live or end it. I hope forum and talking to people here will help me with my decision! I hope I can talk to somebody here soon.
I'm into martial arts, wrestling, anime, art, tattoos, learning new languages.
Nice to meet you all!

 

[JCAPPY34]

Hey everyone!
I have been reading the forum for a long time but i just created an account. I'm Julia and I am 20. I am suffering from anxiety and depression. I am in the moment in my life where I want to decide whether to get help and try to live or end it. I hope forum and talking to people here will help me with my decision! I hope I can talk to somebody here soon.
I'm into martial arts, wrestling, anime, art, tattoos, learning new languages.
Nice to meet you all!

I'm new too and nice to meet you

 

[Marine]

I sure hope u can overcome it. It is extremely difficult to do.

It is... But I don't want to end like this. Gotta hope that it's possible.

 

[Shinkansen]

hello everyone, I state that I don't like writing much as I am extremely shy and reserved about my life.

I'm writing from Italy, I'm a 28 year old man and I have been depressed and anxious since I went to elementary school.

I come from a family with many problems: my mother has serious mental problems and she never wanted me, I have always been a burden for her;
my father is also depressed and has long had problems with alcohol, which made him violent and aggressive.

I have no friends and I have never had a girlfriend, I have spent my whole life among doctors' surgeries, psychiatrists and psychologists, and despite the years and the money spent, I have never solved my problems.
I have worked in the past but for about 6 months I have lost my job because of the coronavirus.

I have had several suicide attempts over the years, all of which have failed.

I don't know how long I will stay, I am not a lover of forums, I prefer video games, reading, music and movies.

 

[Vasilii]

Hello SS forum,

I'm a 23 years old male from the Netherlands. I have struggled with my mental health for at least a year.
I tried to talk to a psychologist, but it honestly was a very unpleasent experience. Due to the Corona pandemic, it made me determine to end my life. I have thought of so many options, but I hope I will obtain SN soon. I joined the SS forum like 2 days ago, but I'm so relieved there are people with the same struggle in life. It kind of feels a bit less lonely. I hope you all find peace in some way.

 

[Meditation guide]

I just want to lay in bed and never wake up.

That's my dream and my goal in life. Welcome to the site. We can all relate to feeling that way here.

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

hello everyone, I state that I don't like writing much as I am extremely shy and reserved about my life.

I'm writing from Italy, I'm a 28 year old man and I have been depressed and anxious since I went to elementary school.

I come from a family with many problems: my mother has serious mental problems and she never wanted me, I have always been a burden for her;
my father is also depressed and has long had problems with alcohol, which made him violent and aggressive.

I have no friends and I have never had a girlfriend, I have spent my whole life among doctors' surgeries, psychiatrists and psychologists, and despite the years and the money spent, I have never solved my problems.
I have worked in the past but for about 6 months I have lost my job because of the coronavirus.

I have had several suicide attempts over the years, all of which have failed.

I don't know how long I will stay, I am not a lover of forums, I prefer video games, reading, music and movies.

Im actually stunned that you managed to hold up for so much long

 

[AverageIdiot]

Hi there, actually joined last year but reached a point where I'll be more active around here .
I'm just a lazy uni student with mood swings that slipped into nihilism and apathy.

I ordered SN last year and going to get the missing parts in the next weeks. While I will try therapy first I currently prefer the other way out.

I like sci-fi series and movies, RPG's or playing non-rpg games like RPG's. Former interests I can still talk about are anime and manga.

That's me, just returned as I realized a shit ton of things about me. Stopped smoking weed, started tripping on acid, was motivated for a short while to better myself but fell back again. Simply said, I just don't give a shit about anything anymore (in this moment). My mood still changes rapidly, I get lost in thoughts way too often and I procrastinate like hell and don't care if I fail my exams or let people hanging that rely on me. So yeah, just an average idiot who is aware ff what he does but doesn't try to fix/ stop or manage it.

 

[Campari]

Hello guys.
i'm 35 yo from Italy.
My life was ok previous the tinnitus (constant ring in both ears).
Now is all a great mess. I would like to die but i can't give pain to my parents...

 

[Nymph]

Hello everyone. I'm glad I found this place. I feel more free and that I can actually speak now. I'm really grateful for this site.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've been reading posts on this site for over a year now, but just registered and started posting today. It's amazing how different I feel already. Being amidst a community of like-minded people has been so helpful. Thank you all for being so welcoming thus far.

 

[pickajack]

Hello all. Grateful for creators, mods and fellow members. Relieved to have a safe space to be honest and enjoy community.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Hello all. Grateful for creators, mods and fellow members. Relieved to have a safe space to be honest and enjoy community.

Welcome to S.S.

 

[So-lowgid]

Hi everyone, I just joined the forum after months of lurking. First stumbled on SS while looking for peaceful methods to escape back when Covid first hit. I'm male, 43 and am supposedly borderline. I feel (there's a joke there somewhere) that I have undiagnosed mental health problems which are conveniently ignored or 'covered' by the BPD/EUPD diagnosis. I have struggled with addiction and self harm since childhood and have been on/off suicidal and depressed since then. I seek something which seems impossible to find... meaning & purpose, the kind that stops me falling into this pit of self loathing and despair over and over and over again . I'm tired of searching but still don't feel I've searched hard or consistently enough to justify giving in just yet, but I'm very close.
I had everything at one point in my life, a good job, a wife, family, house, cars, friends but it wasn't enough and through my illness and behaviour I lost it all, or the vast majority of it. I've exhausted the help of mental health services available to me and made nothing of which I was given. I hate myself and can't shake my core belief that I'm a useless, selfish piece of shit. I'm currently so depressed I can't get or stay out of bed and live every day in fear of losing the financial help I receive through benefits.
9 months ago I was on top of the world and thought things/life was looking up and that I could get and hold down a job again and that life was worth living. I thought I could build "a life worth living" and that whilst living said life the missing piece that I've been searching for since childhood would at some point appear & fall into place. However the therapy I was then just starting proved to be unsuited to me & just too much digging up old trauma and by January I fell into a pit of anxiety, depression and despair which is pretty much where I'm now at.
I didn't need to join SS in order to garner the information needed for me to one day peacefully ctb but lurking the forum and seeing various posts from people who I can relate to has lead me to do so, I have a few friends irl but none of whom I could talk to honestly and openly about how I feel on this subject. I don't honestly know from one day to the next how I feel about it myself... I just know that I struggle immensely with life, people and my mental health and that A LOT of the time ctb seems like the only real answer...
I enjoyed yoga and callisthenics for a couple of years as well as getting outdoors and various other physical activities but am now completely deconditioned and physically fucked. My muscles have all completely atrophied through lying in bed 24 hours a day and I struggle to walk or even sit upright for very long. I'm run down through poor diet (go long periods not eating or drinking at all), lack of fresh air and exercise. I look as well as feel like shit and am plagued with minor ailment after minor ailment. Conjunctivitis today to accompany my boils, spots, migraines, reappearing fybro and ibs shit.

Anyway... pleased to join you all.

Hello everyone, I am new to this place did lurk for a few days before joining.

I'm female 40's from the UK. Single and no children. I live alone but 'care' for my dad who lives nearby.

I have battled with MH issues for 20 years and I am definitely mis-diagnosed and that it not helping matters because my current diagnosis means it normal in the UK to not give support to people. I am diagnosed with BPD when I believe I have Bipolar which reared its head back in the late 90's. It's a long story and there is plenty of evidence I'm Bipolar and that I don't have BPD.

I frequently get suicidal when unwell and have made several attempts on my life all overdoses and once with insulin, the latter I ended up in ICU.

This year there were three overdoses in the space of 7 days in May, followed by a 4th at the beginning of June. In between 3 and 4 I was sectioned on a section 2 and spent just 4 days in hospital, told the psychiatrist what he wanted to hear to get out and back home. I was under the homebased treatment team from the beginning of May till the middle of June, then they discharged me - basically they did nothing whilst I was under them except section me!

I'm so done with fighting for mental health support and going through crisis after crisis. Dad always been a protective factor to keep me hanging on but even him is not enough now to keep me living much longer. I need a method that won't see me survive. I'm ready to leave and find peace and hope I'll be reunited with my mum who died 11 years ago.

I'm new here too, also diagnosed bpd which I think is correct but think that I also have BP and OCD neither of which is or will be recognised by ICMHT. Been crushed by severe depression for months now. Once you get the BPD diagnosis you are treated like shit and EVERYTHING is put down to it!

 

[EmotionalSupRock]

Hello everyone. I'm sure we all have mixed feelings when first coming here. I hope to leave one way or the other.

My life is a dumpster fire.. partner about to leave, stroke victim mother whom I care for, my own bipolar, being fucked as an in attractive trans person.. lawsuits by family to harass me, troubles at work, and a necessary surgery scheduled. I want to die daily. I started this year in heaven, and I'm back to where I'm familiar after a year or two reprieve.

 

[thickiana]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 28-y-old female from Northern Europe.
I've never been suicidal or had bad issues with my mental health; my life used to be happy, I loved and enjoyed every piece of it, and everything was wonderful until last spring.
My health started to fail in April and I have a very strange neurologic condition which makes my life HELL on a daily basis. It started completely out of the blue and doctors are pretty clueless. (I won't dive into details, those would make this post awfully long!)

I don't want to die and I hate to do this to my family (mine is very loving and especially my mom is my whole life), friends and myself but life isn't really worth living in this condition :( Now I'm trying to get all the details right so I won't end up in a much worse situation. My family kind of knows what's up and they're devastated. I hate the fact that I'm going to ruin their lives as well.

I'm into music, sports, cooking, literature, arts, flowers, video games, fashion, etc... I've always had a lot of interests and my best feature used to be the ability to find almost anything in this world interesting. There was a lot of laughing and fun in my life but it's all gone now because of my fucked up health.

Anyway, it's nice to meet you all!

 

[misha]

hi im misha, 21 year old female from Canada
im numb and dumb baby
nice to meet you all

 

[Tereon]

Hello! I am a lonely depressive 23-year-old Brazilian man who wish to exit this world full of suffering, hurt and bad persons.

I really would like to die in a painless and peaceful way, but since I can't get N, I think it's not possible, unfortunately. Well, life isn't perfect, isn't it? Maybe I hang myself when I get desperate again.

 

[XYZ]

I'm just another loser who hates life because I'm in it.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm just another loser who hates life because I'm in it.

Same for me ... Welcome to S.S.

 

[toms_space_station]

Hi everyone
I'm Tom

I love learning about outer space, stars, galaxies, nebulae.
I have always wanted to study and be a part of the science field.
Perhaps help find new discoveries that may aid our future way of living.
If I did not have this mental illness, perhaps it would have been my passion and living.

I love learning about history, the different cultures that us humans had for the duration of our existence.
The way communities and people gathered to stand and fight for what's right.
To learn about how people faced their fears and stood up to those who have oppressed them for so long, regardless of deathly consequences.
To learn about how people lived without things we have now like internet, electricity, vehicles, etc.

I love all kinds of music.
I grew up with a lot of rock and metal bands.
My favorites are Napalm Death and Godflesh.
Over time I grew very attached to other unique kinds of music like Noise, ambient, classical, industrial, and jazz music.

I also love learning about dreams.
I think they are the closest thing to the other side.
And I think they can reflect a lot about a person's life or mind
Sometimes I wonder what everyone's dreams are like.

Whether it is through writing, songs, art, I seek to confide this pain with all of you.
I am a human being like many of you, struggling to find my place in this world. I have already decided my fate, but I try to find joy in the simplest of things while I am here.

After all, what are the odds of us experiencing human life and emotion out of the entire, seemingly endless universe?

 

[Funkymonks]

Hi everyone
I'm funkymonks
glad to have found this site