Thank you. Yes, I mean what you said. My mistake
Thank you. Yes, I mean what you said. My mistake
Hey everyone,
I'm a 19 year old female from Europe. I can't really say anything interesting about myself, to be honest I'm just waiting to die. Thanks to this site, I discovered SN, and it is my preferred method. I ordered the required things for this method, and right now I'm just waiting for them to arrive. Once they arrive, I can finally (and hopefully) ctb. Everything should be here in 3 weeks, which isn't much time, but I still find waiting hard.
I try to pass the time, but I get bored of every activity very quickly. So I just lie in my bed all day and I mindlessly browse the internet. I can't even watch movies or youtube anymore, I get bored so fast. I don't have energy to do anything. Maybe if I worked, time would go faster, but I quit my job a couple months ago and since then I haven't really left my house. I know this all sounds embarrassing, but it's the truth.
There were times when I tried to get better, but I think getting a new hobby or making new friends wouldn't help anymore. Maybe I'm really pathetic, but I'm just so bored and tired of living. People told me on another forum, that I'm too young to feel hopeless, my suffering isn't real, and I should visit a psychologist. I don't even want help anymore, I just want to share my feelings on a place, where people aren't judgemental and don't want to convince me to live.
I'm really glad that this forum exists.
I'm a 19 year old female from Europe. I can't really say anything interesting about myself, to be honest I'm just waiting to die. Thanks to this site, I discovered SN, and it is my preferred method. I ordered the required things for this method, and right now I'm just waiting for them to arrive. Once they arrive, I can finally (and hopefully) ctb. Everything should be here in 3 weeks, which isn't much time, but I still find waiting hard.
I try to pass the time, but I get bored of every activity very quickly. So I just lie in my bed all day and I mindlessly browse the internet. I can't even watch movies or youtube anymore, I get bored so fast. I don't have energy to do anything. Maybe if I worked, time would go faster, but I quit my job a couple months ago and since then I haven't really left my house. I know this all sounds embarrassing, but it's the truth.
There were times when I tried to get better, but I think getting a new hobby or making new friends wouldn't help anymore. Maybe I'm really pathetic, but I'm just so bored and tired of living. People told me on another forum, that I'm too young to feel hopeless, my suffering isn't real, and I should visit a psychologist. I don't even want help anymore, I just want to share my feelings on a place, where people aren't judgemental and don't want to convince me to live.
I'm really glad that this forum exists.
Sadwind
want to go
- Sep 21, 2019
- 76
Hey I'm a 34 year old woman from the US. I am struggling with a personality disorder and bipolar 1. I have been in a spiral of pain and denial for as long as I've been alive. I was raised by one sadistic parent and while my sister managed to get away unscathed I imploded into delusion to escape my suicidal thoughts. I am obsessed with death and addicted to daydreaming. I am only happy when falling asleep and I hope to work up the courage to end my miserable life sometime soon. It's just a band aid that I need to pull off. I want to be gone and to stop being a burden and a bitch to the people around me cause they deserve better. Also, I want to put my mother in extraordinary pain. She deserves the loss of her child, the one that was imperfect, the one she hated. I hope she kills herself tbh. Who cares though. I won't get the joy of her funeral. I'm just fucked up beyond recognition and I need the courage to end it. That's all.
clownangel
Student
- Sep 25, 2019
- 122
Howdy. 25/US/very sleepy.
Lurked here for a while after stumbling in & decided to make an account because so many of you seem so lovely.
Anyways, I've stuck around for my mom but ideation has stuck in my brain since I was maybe 6-7. I have chronic pain/health issues (and chronic fatigue, woo!) so I don't work and I'm autistic so sorry in advance if my tone is weird or I ramble on too much, I get incredibly nervous interacting with people (especially online even though I don't speak much IRL) but figured hey, who cares.
I'm not sure what else to say but I spend most of my time making art (though I haven't in months after my last dip) having grandma hobbies (crochet and cross stitch) watching crime shows & sleeping.
Lurked here for a while after stumbling in & decided to make an account because so many of you seem so lovely.
Anyways, I've stuck around for my mom but ideation has stuck in my brain since I was maybe 6-7. I have chronic pain/health issues (and chronic fatigue, woo!) so I don't work and I'm autistic so sorry in advance if my tone is weird or I ramble on too much, I get incredibly nervous interacting with people (especially online even though I don't speak much IRL) but figured hey, who cares.
I'm not sure what else to say but I spend most of my time making art (though I haven't in months after my last dip) having grandma hobbies (crochet and cross stitch) watching crime shows & sleeping.
Edward1
Meh!
- Sep 18, 2019
- 267
I'm so sorry to read this. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now.
Hi. Thank you to those who make this site possible.
I'm a loser. I'm old but have accomplished nothing.
I don't know if this life is just a test but if it is, I am failing.
I hope I can quit soon.
I'm a loser. I'm old but have accomplished nothing.
I don't know if this life is just a test but if it is, I am failing.
I hope I can quit soon.
LonelyandBroken
New Member
- Sep 26, 2019
- 3
Hi! I'm a female from the US.
I joined this sight after someone in the inpatient I went to suggested it, so I've been lurking since then.
You all seem really chill, and so I thought I'd say hello!
I joined this sight after someone in the inpatient I went to suggested it, so I've been lurking since then.
You all seem really chill, and so I thought I'd say hello!
rossi
Member
- Sep 27, 2019
- 13
Hello everyone,i am a 50 year old male from England....I feel very awkward at any sort of communication but i look forward to trying to put my thoughts into words and joining in once in a while.
The.End
This too shall pass
- May 18, 2019
- 80
Welcome Rossi. No need to feel awkward here, I'm sure everyone would agree that this is a judgment free place so feel free to join the convo any time you please.
Pykul
Member
- Sep 22, 2019
- 88
Return2Dust
Experienced
- Sep 28, 2019
- 246
Hello everyone! After multiple failed ctb attempts, I found this site and have been following as a guest for months. I've followed your stories, envied your determination and cried over your goodbyes. I'm a shy person and constantly question the validity of anything I have to say.
I have an incurable condition many people live with successfully for years. Personally, I'm tired of the medicines, Dr visits, pain. This, my failed attempts and a lifetime of bad choices bring me here today.
I'm hoping to step out of my shell and interact with you guys. I've learned so much already and I'm grateful for this site. Thank you for being here.
I have an incurable condition many people live with successfully for years. Personally, I'm tired of the medicines, Dr visits, pain. This, my failed attempts and a lifetime of bad choices bring me here today.
I'm hoping to step out of my shell and interact with you guys. I've learned so much already and I'm grateful for this site. Thank you for being here.
OnlyMercy
No More
- Oct 23, 2018
- 190
Welcome. I understand all too well the uncomfortable position a chronic-but-not-fatal condition puts one in. I hope you manage to find a way to live with it or if not, at least find a peaceful way to end your suffering once and for all.
SlackJim
Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost
- Sep 30, 2019
- 226
Hi everyone, 24M living in the UK. Living in-between life and death, not quite low enough to ctb but not motivated enough to want to get better. Have been on and off with varying degrees of depression for about 15 years. Have experienced real happiness before for a long period when I was about 19, I would like to get back to that feeling. Right now its just easier to wallow in misery. I would like to take some high dose psychedelics before leaving this world, have experienced unconditional love and euphoria from DMT. It was a mushroom trip that made me happy when I was 19, however the depression crept back in slowly. If it were not for my mum and brother I might have ctb already, it would destroy them, I wish I could just hibernate for a while with no consequences. nice to be here
I was born in the United States of America to citizens thereof. No kids. I joined this group for curiosity and potential assistance. I have not been disappointed! I thank those people who permitted Me to join as well as a Fellow Member who gave Me data I requested!!!
*cyberhugs Sargasm*I was born in the United States of America to citizens thereof. No kids. I joined this group for curiosity and potential assistance. I have not been disappointed! I thank those people who permitted Me to join as well as a Fellow Member who gave Me data I requested!!!
Last edited:
Hello, I followed sanctionsuicide from its reddit times long ago as a lurker, though only decided recently to join.
I also want to thank the people here for various things they've done, like providing a safe place in the first place as well as giving more information about this topic.
I'm 24 years old living in Germany and waiting for my death.
Best regards
I also want to thank the people here for various things they've done, like providing a safe place in the first place as well as giving more information about this topic.
I'm 24 years old living in Germany and waiting for my death.
Best regards
Disintegration
Life is a terminal sexually transmitted disease.
- Sep 28, 2019
- 190
Daily struggles with PTSD and other mental illnesses, over 20 years of hell trying to assimilate to this dysfunctional society. I'm into bikes, music, philosophy and I'm obsessed with ctb. I like this forum and it's comforting to know there is a place to talk to like minded people.
Haine
New Member
- Oct 1, 2019
- 4
Hello, I go by Haine. I have been dealing with depression since I was 12 years old. Growing up, I lived a very privileged life. I had my mom and dad who had great jobs (money was never a issue for us), we went on family vacations, I got everything I wanted. Yet, I still found myself sad and thinking of suicide. My parents called me selfish, and they constantly reminded me of how good I had it which made me feel even worse. My grades started slipping by the time I was in middle school. I went from all A's to getting C's and D's. My mom became very harsh with me. She took away my video games, and limited my television time because she thought that was why I was failing. That wasn't the case at all. I wanted to die. I was always sad, and I stayed locked away in my room. In eighth grade, a friend told me about how people cut themselves, and that is what I ended up doing. I had scars running up and down my arms, and no one noticed.
One day I decided to test my parents. I had my arms flipped up so my scars were visible whenever we were at the dinner table, and they never noticed. I was scared of committing suicide, so I decided to keep cutting myself. It hurt so much, but it was the only way I could cope. I have a vivid memory of one evening my mom was yelling at me about my math homework. I had a blanket wrapped around myself. While she yelled and berated me, I used some sharp scissors to cut into my skin. It was hidden under the blanket, but I always remember how she yelled, and I cried, and how I ended up with hundreds of small scars up and down my left arm.
Eventually my parents found out. But they didn't want to put me on medication or take me to therapy, so they hid all the sharp objects in the house, but I always ended up finding something to hurt myself with. Finally! After a year, they decided to put me in therapy (which didn't help) and put me on medication. My dad didn't believe I had depression. He said I was having "growing pains". I was put on 20 mg of Lexapro which worked for a while. Then I went back to self harming and planning my suicide. My mom looked through my google search history one day and found that I had googled ways to kill myself. My dad wasn't as concerned because he didn't think I would do it.
So, I was bumped up to 40 mg of Lexapro. High school was hell for me because of my depression and anxiety, but I persevered and graduated! I went away to college (my mom didn't want me to because she was afraid I would self harm again). College was a nice change of pace. One good thing that came out of it was my relationship with my mom got better. We used to fight all the time, but once I was out of the house we became super close. My freshman year of college ended on a good note, and I thought maybe this was it. Maybe this is when life gets better.
I was wrong.
My Dad cheated on my mom and left us for his other woman right after I finished my first semester. He said that he had done his job as a parent, and that I would be fine.
I was devastated. I spiraled. I could not cope with the fact that my family had just been torn apart. So, my spring semester, I almost committed suicide by overdoing on pills, but I chickened out and instead went to the E.R. and told them I was suicidal. That was the worse decision of my life. Only one nurse was kind to me (Thank you Sandy), but it was a hellish experience. They wouldn't let my parents see me, and I was all alone. My dad called and he told me to do what the nurses told me to do then I would get out. The next day I ate, talked, smiled, and I convinced them to let me go home with my parents the next day. They put me on 40 mg of Fluoxitine and that is what I've been taking these past two years. It doesn't help, so after going cold turkey, it is no longer in my system. My parents still think I'm taking it.
Right now I'm just at a lost. I am about to graduate with my BFA, but I feel weird because I feel like I shouldn't be alive. It doesn't sit right with me.
Anyway, that's my story. I'm 22 and just trying to live, but I don't know how much more trying I can do.
One day I decided to test my parents. I had my arms flipped up so my scars were visible whenever we were at the dinner table, and they never noticed. I was scared of committing suicide, so I decided to keep cutting myself. It hurt so much, but it was the only way I could cope. I have a vivid memory of one evening my mom was yelling at me about my math homework. I had a blanket wrapped around myself. While she yelled and berated me, I used some sharp scissors to cut into my skin. It was hidden under the blanket, but I always remember how she yelled, and I cried, and how I ended up with hundreds of small scars up and down my left arm.
Eventually my parents found out. But they didn't want to put me on medication or take me to therapy, so they hid all the sharp objects in the house, but I always ended up finding something to hurt myself with. Finally! After a year, they decided to put me in therapy (which didn't help) and put me on medication. My dad didn't believe I had depression. He said I was having "growing pains". I was put on 20 mg of Lexapro which worked for a while. Then I went back to self harming and planning my suicide. My mom looked through my google search history one day and found that I had googled ways to kill myself. My dad wasn't as concerned because he didn't think I would do it.
So, I was bumped up to 40 mg of Lexapro. High school was hell for me because of my depression and anxiety, but I persevered and graduated! I went away to college (my mom didn't want me to because she was afraid I would self harm again). College was a nice change of pace. One good thing that came out of it was my relationship with my mom got better. We used to fight all the time, but once I was out of the house we became super close. My freshman year of college ended on a good note, and I thought maybe this was it. Maybe this is when life gets better.
I was wrong.
My Dad cheated on my mom and left us for his other woman right after I finished my first semester. He said that he had done his job as a parent, and that I would be fine.
I was devastated. I spiraled. I could not cope with the fact that my family had just been torn apart. So, my spring semester, I almost committed suicide by overdoing on pills, but I chickened out and instead went to the E.R. and told them I was suicidal. That was the worse decision of my life. Only one nurse was kind to me (Thank you Sandy), but it was a hellish experience. They wouldn't let my parents see me, and I was all alone. My dad called and he told me to do what the nurses told me to do then I would get out. The next day I ate, talked, smiled, and I convinced them to let me go home with my parents the next day. They put me on 40 mg of Fluoxitine and that is what I've been taking these past two years. It doesn't help, so after going cold turkey, it is no longer in my system. My parents still think I'm taking it.
Right now I'm just at a lost. I am about to graduate with my BFA, but I feel weird because I feel like I shouldn't be alive. It doesn't sit right with me.
Anyway, that's my story. I'm 22 and just trying to live, but I don't know how much more trying I can do.
Hi all I am a mid forties Male from the uk and I have been reading this site for a couple of weeks now. It has helped me so much so far. I have another half and three glorious children. I have good job where I work with my father. Sounds great but things are spiralling out of control. They may straighten out but at the moment I think not. Theres no one to talk to and if I tell them what I'm feeling inside I will lose everything.
Hi everybody. I'm a 37 year old male from the US. I have a few caring family members but not able to talk to them for obvious reasons. I've dealt with depression on and off for 20 years. My greatest fear was always divorce after starting a family. My wife and I have been going to counseling but she was finally adamant that she wanted a divorce. We have two children, 10(boy) and 4(girl). I lost it and acted out against my wife. Because of these events, I lost my job of 11 years, spent a week in a hospital on a 302, and spent two weeks in jail on a behavioral compentcey hold. I am only allowed to contact my mother in law to relay messages to my kids and supervised visits. I also now have a PFA against me, and have charges in multiple counties. I found my sweet spot in practicing the NN method from this site and thought I was set. Yesterday I got a hotel room and attempted the NN method but failed. Tired of being a burden to the family I still have, don't want to waste what money I have on all the legal fees, and my wife today was trying to add new charges but was denied because they were weeks after the fact. That is why I tried to ctb last night because of the hearing today. I just can't do it any more. Anyhow, thanks for having me.
BlessedOffal
Member
- Oct 2, 2019
- 59
Hello beautiful people. Sad woman in her late twenties checking in. I've been lurking for a while and I feel grateful to have been welcomed. I'm depressed, in treatment, and broke as a church rat with soul crushing debt. I don't want this life I've wound up creating, nor any realistic future scenario, and I do not appreciate the way our world operates. Happiness sailed circa 2009. It never returned despite the "it'll get better"s. It got worse, my dudes.
Anyways, as I am not impulsive, nor a fan of pain, and the world is full of pro-life scare tactics, I am still here. I hope to get to know you all better. Thanks for reading see ya later.
Anyways, as I am not impulsive, nor a fan of pain, and the world is full of pro-life scare tactics, I am still here. I hope to get to know you all better. Thanks for reading see ya later.
Hi, I'm 18 years old female,and I don't want to live anymore, I think I have mental illness but I don't know, I think it's caused by some trauma when I was a child but I don't remember. I started to think about suicide one year ago when I cheated on my girlfriend, then we got back together, but these thoughts never left my mind, and now after 3 years, she wants to break up with me, I can see no way, no reason to live. I know that it sounds ridiculous but I don't know what to do, I lost all my friends, my sister and my mom are trying to help me but they also have their problems and I don't want to stress them anymore. I feel that I don't belong here in this world.
Sorry for my english, I'm Italian.
Sorry for my english, I'm Italian.
Heya people of the SS community. Although my account is new I've browsed the forum offline for many months now. I'm just glad the moderators here approved my account so I can finally express how I truly feel without having to censor my true observations of life. I'm really shy in person and even online (lol even on an anonymous forum like this). I've had depression for quite some time which I fear is treatment resistant. I guess I've tried to make the most of my unfortunate position and I guess it's almost time to grant me the much needed self deliverance. So pleased to be among open, supportive and genuine people here. I hope the forum stays this way for a while.
melonhead88
Member
- Sep 21, 2019
- 19
hi i joined here a few days ago i think because i'm trying to get the courage to kill myself
Hi there,
New member 35 M from the UK. Been a long time lurker but finally made an account.
What brought me here? Crippled by guilt, regret and cant get out the spiral of constantly making things worse for people around me.
Just want it done with im exhausted with life.
New member 35 M from the UK. Been a long time lurker but finally made an account.
What brought me here? Crippled by guilt, regret and cant get out the spiral of constantly making things worse for people around me.
Just want it done with im exhausted with life.
23F here from Canada.
I have no direction in life. I've been addicted to the internet since I was 12, anxious and depressed since 14, and live at home. I have no post-secondary education, despite trying twice. I have no job. I am afraid of living like this forever, rotting away in my childhood bedroom, coddled by my mother. Unless I ctb. The option gives me peace of mind, though a huge part of me wants to change, I just feel like I am incapable of it.
I have no direction in life. I've been addicted to the internet since I was 12, anxious and depressed since 14, and live at home. I have no post-secondary education, despite trying twice. I have no job. I am afraid of living like this forever, rotting away in my childhood bedroom, coddled by my mother. Unless I ctb. The option gives me peace of mind, though a huge part of me wants to change, I just feel like I am incapable of it.
A New Error
Member
- Oct 5, 2019
- 24
Hi ._.
After searching for a page/forum like this forever I think I have finally found what I was looking for (I hope?)
Suffered my entire lifetime (28) of severe depression, mostly due to the massive abuse of my parents in my childhood.
After being traumatized and mentally as well as physically abused and broken to pieces ever since I can think; and being almost raped in a young age; I find myself with all kinds of PTSD, severe Depression, self harming behaviour, personality disorder and so on and so forth.
I have reached out to psychiatrists and psychologists, but I have been more then often failed by society.
The last year of my life I have; for the first time; been set on medication of three different kinds, and I felt quite "better" for a while.
I also found a healthy relationship and I am for the first time in my life being treated well by someone.
It was (and is) indescribably hard for me to still find comfort in my partners arms, even though she herself is struggling from depression and self harm.
All in all I think we helped each other very much and still are.
Yet, despise our really good and healthy communication and taking care of each other, we both still seek to speak to other humans and socialize and interact.
Since she has some really good friends, and I never had any whatsoever (due to me being very prone to the darker side of conversations and I guess just who I am ) it is hard for me to find people to interact with.
I was looking for online platforms to share my thoughts, my agony and my intense will and wish for death.
I hate that I am too afraid to finally claim my final human right to take my life.
Obviously I have had planned an attempt many times, but I never went through with it, and I always pussied out big time in the end.
I am in severe mental pain, all the time.
My heart aches every single day, my stomach is full of knots which I do not know how to untie.
I am so, indescribably sick of this agony and suffering and I can't wait for the day it all ends.
I sincerely hope that I will some day have the courage to just end it, no notes, no message, just fade into the big nothing I seek so much.
Having a partner (nevertheless she is really understanding and we talk about this a lot) makes this decision so much harder.
We both now struggle with commiting to the final right, due to the harm we would cause on each other.
I have been contemplating and suggesting a double suicide together a few times, but I feel insanely guilty for that still, since I do not want to push a person I really admire and love into my abyss with me.
I hope I can release some of my thoughts and pains here,
and I excuse myself for my shitty writing and fucked up brain in advance.
I used to write a lot, but it has been a long time I actually communicated or wrote down my thoughts.
Thank you for the time reading,
I hope it wasn't all too boring ._.
After searching for a page/forum like this forever I think I have finally found what I was looking for (I hope?)
Suffered my entire lifetime (28) of severe depression, mostly due to the massive abuse of my parents in my childhood.
After being traumatized and mentally as well as physically abused and broken to pieces ever since I can think; and being almost raped in a young age; I find myself with all kinds of PTSD, severe Depression, self harming behaviour, personality disorder and so on and so forth.
I have reached out to psychiatrists and psychologists, but I have been more then often failed by society.
The last year of my life I have; for the first time; been set on medication of three different kinds, and I felt quite "better" for a while.
I also found a healthy relationship and I am for the first time in my life being treated well by someone.
It was (and is) indescribably hard for me to still find comfort in my partners arms, even though she herself is struggling from depression and self harm.
All in all I think we helped each other very much and still are.
Yet, despise our really good and healthy communication and taking care of each other, we both still seek to speak to other humans and socialize and interact.
Since she has some really good friends, and I never had any whatsoever (due to me being very prone to the darker side of conversations and I guess just who I am ) it is hard for me to find people to interact with.
I was looking for online platforms to share my thoughts, my agony and my intense will and wish for death.
I hate that I am too afraid to finally claim my final human right to take my life.
Obviously I have had planned an attempt many times, but I never went through with it, and I always pussied out big time in the end.
I am in severe mental pain, all the time.
My heart aches every single day, my stomach is full of knots which I do not know how to untie.
I am so, indescribably sick of this agony and suffering and I can't wait for the day it all ends.
I sincerely hope that I will some day have the courage to just end it, no notes, no message, just fade into the big nothing I seek so much.
Having a partner (nevertheless she is really understanding and we talk about this a lot) makes this decision so much harder.
We both now struggle with commiting to the final right, due to the harm we would cause on each other.
I have been contemplating and suggesting a double suicide together a few times, but I feel insanely guilty for that still, since I do not want to push a person I really admire and love into my abyss with me.
I hope I can release some of my thoughts and pains here,
and I excuse myself for my shitty writing and fucked up brain in advance.
I used to write a lot, but it has been a long time I actually communicated or wrote down my thoughts.
Thank you for the time reading,
I hope it wasn't all too boring ._.
Polka
Student
- Oct 6, 2019
- 135
Hello everyone,
thank you all for sharing, this forum has really made me think. It is such a help to be able to discuss these issues with people that understand.
It's not their fault that those on the outside do not understand maybe in the same way that some people cannot see color and hence do not understand blue, green etc.
thank you all for sharing, this forum has really made me think. It is such a help to be able to discuss these issues with people that understand.
It's not their fault that those on the outside do not understand maybe in the same way that some people cannot see color and hence do not understand blue, green etc.
I'm not from Canada and I don't live at home but apart from that you could be me!!
I'm sorry you're also in this position, but happy to not be alone.
Kolanthel
Member
- Oct 8, 2019
- 23
About me:
I am chronic depressed and have lost all hope in living a day to day existence. I am seeking like minded individuals who come to the same conclusion. Lets commiserate on the battles with life and hopefully find some sort of solution that will be of comfort. It has been long struggle and I am fatigued. I've never had a proper childhood or a family and very few I consider friends. There is not much for me to live for. Today I am 27 and I just want to end it all. I just dont see the point of holding on for another 50 years of so just to perform the same repetitive tasks without any purpose or fulfillment.
I am chronic depressed and have lost all hope in living a day to day existence. I am seeking like minded individuals who come to the same conclusion. Lets commiserate on the battles with life and hopefully find some sort of solution that will be of comfort. It has been long struggle and I am fatigued. I've never had a proper childhood or a family and very few I consider friends. There is not much for me to live for. Today I am 27 and I just want to end it all. I just dont see the point of holding on for another 50 years of so just to perform the same repetitive tasks without any purpose or fulfillment.
