Introduce yourself

[JulienSorel]

Hello. I'm 27, male, from Canada.

I have had an extraordinary life but things have never been hopeful for me. I can't stand the anxiety I have anymore, it's just too much for me. I have had some great moments that I treasure, but it's not enough to drown out the bad parts. I am in the process of ordering N from A and I hope to find peace soon.

 

[TiredBipolar]

Hello, M 29 from Brazil, as my nick says I have bipolar disorder, which made me fuck up pretty much every relation I have ever had in my life, now I am taking tons of meds that make me "stable", tbh I just feel like a zombie, I wish I had the courage to end it all but after a few failed attempts I am still here, maybe havent hit my breaking point yet, anyway, nice to meet you all, much love, peace.

 

[eve2004]

I've been here a little while but never formally introduced myself. Im female, early 40s and widowed. The only people I speak to are my psych and therapist, both of whom I believe have given up on me now and that feeling makes it worse. I'm a burden on society, useless and a waste of resources. I'm impulsive as f*ck when I'm very suicidal so my plan is to have everything in place and wait for that trigger that pushes me over the edge. Im medication-resistant in general unless I take large amounts, which led me to self and overmedicate a handful of times. I'm fine with it, my mental health team, not so much.

I bought SN from a variety of sources and will test it out with a micro-dose despite people saying it could kill me. Same same, right?

Im on disability and can barely manage getting through the day. I pretty much have zero support system, so I've texted crisis lines multiple times, once the person made me so frustrated I ended up taking a large handful of pills after the text ended.

I like and care about nothing, and no one. So how could I ever survive?!

This place will keep me alive until I can properly execute my CTB instead of impulsively botching it.

If you've read all of the above, congratulations, you have the utmost patience and compassion.

I appreciate this place that allows me to talk freely and express my dark thoughts. One thing I was not prepared for was getting a message from someone here saying goodbye. I knew most of us would go someday but it never hit me.

I'm over-benzo'd so gonna do you all a favour and stop this rant here.

« May every sunrise bring more hope and every sunset bring more peace »

I just want to go.

 

[ots]

I'm in my late 20s, from Australia. I've never really been happy, but I knew I had a good shot at finding it with the love of my life. The only woman who ever gave me the time of day romantically. We were engaged to be wed on May 19th this year. She left me early February. I wasn't well at the time and I understand why she left, but I know that things were about to turn around. Since she left I've gotten everything in my life under control, which makes me feel worse because it proves I was right. Things really were just about to turn around and I couldn't convince her to stay around long enough to see.

I've had a few "attempts" but nothing past that standing on the other side of the railing looking down moment and some hanging attempts were I would always back out just before losing consciousness. I don't know why I still live but I can't seem to kill myself either. I'm stuck in some horrid limbo. I even thought about how it would be better if I got someone else to kill me. I clearly don't have the nerve to do it, but some ice cold hitman wouldn't care. Obviously that's an absurd way to ctb and a good way to get federal agents at your door. Still. Would be nice.

 

[noon]

hello all, I guess! being here is so surreal because I've been lurking for about 2-3 months? and told myself that when I really feel like my time to ctb is near, I'll register... and here I am.

I guess a little about me: I'm 22, Female, from NJ, US.
I've been battling depression + anxiety since I was 13, had my first couple of suicidal thoughts at 14, starting self-harming at 15 and made my first attempt at 16. junior year of high school, I ended up showing a teacher my arm full of cuts (I suppose as a cry for help) and she called the vp and I got sent to my counselor. my counselor ended up calling my mother and she sounded like she cared on the phone, but when I got home that day, she was more concerned about her reputation as a mother rather than my well-being. so I was never properly taken to a doctor to get officially diagnosed with depression.

I'm 22 now and depression and suicidal thoughts are hitting harder than bricks. I don't have friends that share my thoughts/feelings, so they all just tell me to get over it/be happy/think positively. I've lost friends and exes over this and all this time, I've just beat myself up for it. having an account here alone is almost... soothing? relieving? because I know there are many wonderful, like-minded people here. while lurking, I found a few methods I think I would be more comfortable with, I'm just so unsure about my date. one day and breath at a time.

I'm not very used to being so open about these thoughts and feelings, so as I type this, I'm hesitant. I hope I can get over that as I browse and talk more.
And finally, all I really do these days is game and sometimes stream those games. It's all I have energy for anymore after getting fired from my job.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Maledictus]

Hello. I'm 18 and from the United States, NY.

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression since the young age of 12. There's a lot of things that have led me to consider suicide, but in particular being transgender is the worst part about being alive for me. Because of my gender identity (genderfluid), I can never transition in a way that will truly alleviate my gender dysphoria. No matter how good things get, the realization I will never be able to live as my authentic self sabotages any long-term happiness I have. I'd rather be dead than suffer longer than I need to.

Contrary to the tone of this post so far, I'm actually probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. After a long time feeling awful about nobody loving me, out of the blue I found my soulmate. There's just this flame there. He loves me for who I am authentically and I love him the same. After I was sure for so long I'd never have that kind of genuine
love in my life. For once something went well for me.

I have an interest in magick & the occult - I am a rookie witch of a single year, so I still have a ton to study. In particular I am a chaos magician, I'm very much a Left-Hand-Path type of person, and can be very hedonistic as a result of for too long living a life of repression trying to conform to a religion that wasn't right for me (Christianity).

I love video games & anime, and I enjoy writing as a hobby.

I'm unsure how much I'll talk here. I am very shy and usually prefer not to talk unless I have something to say.

 

[Erin Inari]

Hi, I'm a 22 year old female from the US. Have been struggling with depression all that comes with it for about 6 years now. Made a couple of attempts over the years but most were half hearted at best. I'm trans and have been lurking on the site for a good while before joining a few days ago. I guess I enjoy drawing while listening to music, reading, and playing online games( mainly old school runescape). Since my two friends CTB I have been having serious thoughts about joining them but for now i'll be here and try to share some of my thoughts and experiences.

 

[binglebelle]

Hello.
I am too sweet and real for this world. I am 24. :)

 

[phoenix_borderless]

Hello SS. My name is Felix. From Singapore.
I'm 30 this year. Unemployed since Feb '19 and recently divorced.

I've lost everything in my life and want to ctb because it's painful to be alive.

Plans are to jump or partial suspension hanging. Seems to be painless and easy.

 

[KSnSn]

Hi everyone,

I'm 25, Female and from NY. I've been lurking and finally decided to join since you all seem like wonderful people.

I've been struggling with depression since I was about 11 (and the first time I attempted to commit suicide) and it's been getting increasingly difficult over the years, been trying to cope with a traumatic rape and abusive relationships but I haven't been doing so well. My suicidal thoughts are always present, some days they're easier to manage. I haven't totally decided when I'll CTB but I know for sure it'll happen eventually. I'm hoping being in a community like this will help me be comfortable to share my thoughts and feelings.

As for other stuff, I'm really into art, reading, podcasts, gaming and music. Just typical things, I guess?

Anyways, I really appreciate the fact that this site exists, it sucks that we're here feeling the way we do but it's comforting being around others who you can relate to. Hoping we all find peace, one way or another.

xo

Oh. Have you finished university? What`s your job?

 

[LightChaser]

Wow, when I found this site a few days ago I did not expect to see so many active members. Its good to see so many open-minded people. Which I suppose brings me to my own introduction.

Hi everyone. I'm a 28 year old male. As far as I know, I have no mental illnesses other than PTSD which came from incidents that occurred long after my suicidal thoughts began so it hasn't really been a contributor. In fact, I think that the dark places my mind goes to when I feel suicidal actually provided some buffer to lessen the toll that PTSD typically takes on people.

I have felt the comings and goings of wanting to check out for almost as long as I can remember. My first attempt was around the age of 14. I have come very close a few times since then, but always ended up staying around. For the past 6 years I have actually been happy. However, I allowed that happiness to fall into a routine of meeting the status quo, and without me realizing it, both me and my wife have become miserable. She has decided to leave me, and I am once again considering CTB.

I haven't ever been able to talk about this with anyone because I know what happens when you tell people you plan to check out. They get worried, call the cops, etc. I'm not insane, and I refuse to lose the last remaining thing in my control; the decision to, or not to live. It feels liberating to an extent to be able to openly (I say ironically as an anonymous internet stranger, haha) talk about this. I'm looking forward to the conversations to be had here.

 

[Harlar91]

Hello everyone,
I'm a male, 28. I've been coping with depression since I was 16.

I'm very passionate about computers. I love programming them. Recently, I've been obsessed with quantum computing and have been trying to familiarize myself with a framework developed by Google called Cirq.
Computers are one of the few things that keep me alive. Computers have the potential to bring us all as a species together. Anyways, I can continue rambling on and on about computers, but that's not what this post is about, so I won't digress.
I've been wanting to die for a while now. I don't do it because the thought of putting my mother and husband through such a pain is in unbearable. I tell myself "you won't be here to witness it, don't think about it", but how can I not? I always picture them having a mental breakdown. I know my husband would be able to eventually move on, but my mom? Hah! And so, I continue living. The drugs help I suppose, they relieve the pain. But I still patiently wait for the inevitable. I don't know how much longer that patience will last.

 

[BobbyPellitt]

Didn't realize this thread existed or I would've done this sooner.

I'm a 21 year old male living in asia. I've been lurking here ever since they closed down sanctioned suicide subreddit but never bother to make an account (on a side note, fuck suicidewatch subreddit). Decided to make an account to communicate with like minded people. Been dealing with depression and social phobia ever since I was bullied at 13. Started having suicidal thought when I was 17 and nearly attempted 8 months ago. I don't have a single friend or even acquaintance and the only thing that brings me joy in life is movies, mobile games, food and porn.

 

[blankSlate]

Hello all

I'm mid twenties, bullied or ignored for most of my life. Diagnosed clinical depression about 7 years ago, after failed attempt of which two exist.
I don't particularly wish to die at this moment, it's more that the thought of living on is getting a bit heavy to bear. Being happy, even for short periods of time, isn't really a thing anymore, no friends, no interests(especially not in life).
Things I do in my time is mostly sit at the pc, watch movies or youtube, games if I have the energy that day.
Mainly lurking but not shy to join a discussion, hopefully my presence will be acceptable for however long it may be.
:)

 

[miseras]

Hello,
I'm 50 and absolutely unsuitable for this world since I was 3.
Only achievement of my shrink is that now I'm fully aware of that... good job doc!

No job, no bf/gf, no family, 2 friends, never really diagnosed, quite a little knowledge of chemistry and biology.

I like people here, it make me feel warm and at ease.

 

[EatingRawCocoa]

Male, UK. Suicidal since my teens. No friends, no lovers. Lifelong FA. Lived my entire life in solitude. I've never attempted suicide, as I'm adamant that it is the one thing that I will get right in a lifetime of getting everything else wrong. I don't agree with impulsive attempts. I believe in waiting for the right moment and going nuclear. I thought that would be aged 30, but I had a little hope then that carried me into my 30's. I've lost all hope now. Health is dwindling, my brain is shutting down, and all efforts to find some sort of companionship I have to accept has now failed. My life is over now, and it's a question of how long I am going to delay the inevitable. I want to be hanging with a smile on my face, which will be my last (and only) fuck you to this universe.

Please don't quote.

 

[Moonstruck]

Hi,

I lurked on here for a while before deciding to join. Kinda just preparing to meet my maker by my own hand one day. 26, female, eastern USA. I'm bipolar 2, which makes life extra, extra interesting.

I like video games, music, art, reading. But mostly I just stare at the wall or my phone or play candy crush because everything else is too exhausting.

 

[Lethe]

I'm 25, mtf transgender (started taking feminizing hormones last year). Finishing up my undergrad degree in biology this semester after sorta falling apart last year. Despite that, I don't really have any interest in getting a job. Working 8 hours a day for 5 days a week sounds like insanity to me, no thanks. So I'm low-key planning on mooching off of my wealthy grandparents for as long as time will allow and, failing that, may just decide to "bow out", as it were. My doctor and several other people have also suspected that I have some form of high-functioning autism (I personally think more along the lines of schizoid PD), as I've always either had a blatant disinterest-- if not outright contempt-- for people, socializing, etc., so it may be impossible for me to find/hold a job regardless.

Anyway, I'm just interested in keeping up with the right-to-die scene, and seeing if I can't track down any of the substances discussed here.

 

[timetogo]

Created this account after the subreddit closed down, have been lurking on and off but not participating. Things are reaching the end of the line so I returned back here.

 

[Bluma180]

Hi,
Thanks for allowing me to participate in the community. Pardon any novice questions, and please feel free to call me out (gently if possible), on any mistakes I may make in discussions and/or forum rules. I have been lurking for a bit, and found myself more at ease knowing such a place exists. Hopefully, I'll start to open up about myself. Thanks again!

 

[Mikemikemike]

Hi everyone new to the site just found it today and I really like it.

I am 30 split up with my wife not letting me see my children I lost my job because of it and now back at parents. I literally have nothing I have been trying to contact my children for over 2 months and got nothing back. I am at the point of no return. I have planned a date for my exit I did try this evening but did not succeed with the blood choke method. I am from the UK so the n option just isn't viable. Once my supplies come I will be looking at the helium method just waiting on the delivery. I am a novice so go easy on me.

 

[Deleted member 10475]

Oh. Have you finished university? What`s your job?

Oh, no! I was supposed to go back this semester but didn't feel ready mentally, I'm hoping to try for the Spring and I work at a dog daycare.

 

[X-Kid]

Hi guys,
I've lurked around for a bit before joining. 23 years old, live with my parents and was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago. I attempted suicide with charcoal briquettes in a car in 2014, just was super sleepy before I decided to phone a friend for some reason. Most recently in late May I attempted suicide again. I had drank a decent amount of antifreeze. I had had a few sips before and it's very bitter and causes me to gag. It's sweet while it going down your throat though lol. I ended up going into work since I had to open in the morning. 11 hours later is when it went down hill. I was at work and started acting drunk. My speech was slurred, and so a coworker gave me a ride home. I told my folks I had some nips the night before (totally believable) anyhow my heart rate was up and I was breathing like I went for an intense jog. I was brought to the emergency division and I don't really remember much. I know it was roughly 12 hours later when they shoved a large needle in my leg and I finally admitted to the nurses since I felt defeated at that point. I was hoping that by not telling them what happened that it would make it harder for them to help, but it seemed they were just waiting for me to admit to it. I had to have several rounds of dialysis before my creatinine levels came down. The psychiatric ward was the usual shit show, very sad that we have no control over our own life. If anti freeze wasn't so hard to swallow it would probably be easier to slowly poison yourself overtime and then a final blow?

Life isn't terrible every single day, but there are long stretches of times where things feel so bad and hopeless I'd rather ctb. It's been 10 years at this point, my patience is wearing thin. I'm super impressed and feel welcome to this group. I do want to have an escape route, but I still sometimes have days that are almost worth living for.

 

[EternalDreams]

Hello Everyone,
I never thought to myself of joining a pro-suicide forum before, but now here I am. I want to stay here for a while to connect with you guys experiencing the same storm. I recently lost someone very close to me and these past few months haven't been so good. I hope that I'll be able to connect and share.

I wish that your day is going well,
EternalDreams

 

[The.End]

Hello Everyone,
I never thought to myself of joining a pro-suicide forum before, but now here I am. I want to stay here for a while to connect with you guys experiencing the same storm. I recently lost someone very close to me and these past few months haven't been so good. I hope that I'll be able to connect and share.

I wish that your day is going well,
EternalDreams

Welcome to the forum @EternalDreams. I'm sorry to hear about you loss. You are not alone, Many people here are suffering just like you, myself included and we're here for you if you ever need to talk.

I just wanted to clarify, this is not a "pro-suicide" forum. We do not encourage suicide in any way. Instead this is a "pro-choice" forum, we believe in free choice. If someone chooses to end their own life, we support their right to do so. And if someone chooses to live, likewise we will support their right to do so.

Although a lot of the discussion here are suicide related, that is not all we are about. Suicide is considered a taboo subject so this site can seem a little intimidating at first, But you will come to realise that most of the users here are kind and honest people who are genuinely in pain.

Btw I like your username, I often wonder if this reality is in fact a long dream, and if so, when I shoot myself in the head, will I finally wake up?

I hope you have a goodnight filled with wonderful dreams,
The.End

 

[Pykul]

Hey y'all. Pykul's the name. Tired of everything is the game.
Probably older than most here, should be planning retirement but that's not possible unless I win the powerball jackpot.
Four years ago I lost my job as an OR nurse due to too many sick day call ins. The day after that I got my medical exemption papers. :(. I was trying to deal with a divorce that I didn't want, living isolated in a racially charged against me neighborhood.
Before I could secure another position my landlord told me I had to move. Difficult to get a job without an address, harder to find an address without a job.
Fortunately (?) my retired mother had an empty bedroom. No one wanted to hire me due to my limited experience. No ORs within the distance I had to be. Before long, I was pulled over for a traffic stop and arrested on a warrant issued for nonpayment of alimony.
That's when I first considered ctb. Called a hotline. Started counselling and meds. All that doesn't work without improvement of the situation that got me there.
Currently I get turned down for jobs due to psych status, arrest record, outstanding bench warrants, and credit score. Can't get work, work is the only way to get money to fix the problems.
My three children and three grandchildren are all too far away to visit. My mother's condition has worsened to the point she needs to be put in a home.
No way to fix it. No help to be found. (Lawyer? Forget it. Need too much cash to get in the door to talk. And considering the crap in DC, I can't trust the profession)
To think that I was living in heaven just 10 years ago, my house was 2 miles from the waterfall and forest from "Hunger Games", there is no getting life back!
Also no hurry to ctb, just need to find the right way. No access to drugs, so I just gotta work on it.
Sorry for dragging this out, but I had to get it off my chest.

 

[Katerina]

Hi why am I here well I'm 18 my mum committed suicide in August she was using this forum I was devastated I knew she had suicide intentions but they would come and go but this time was different she was ready. I never told her I too felt suicidal I wish I had done but I just wanted to listen to her know she was loved
I know I have my life ahead of me but I have no one now and what is the point with life?

 

[Persil]

Hello everyone,
i'm 30 year old male. I lost my hearing almost year ago. I found this site by accident and I see that there is nice, pro-suicide community. I hope I will stay here for a while.

 

[woxihuanni]

Hello everyone,
i'm 30 year old male. I lost my hearing almost year ago. I found this site by accident and I see that there is nice, pro-suicide community. I hope I will stay here for a while.

Sorry that you lost your hearing... It is not a pro-suicide community. It's a pro-choice community. Nobody here is cheering for anybody to die.

 

[omoidarui]

Hi why am I here well I'm 18 my mum committed suicide in August she was using this forum I was devastated I knew she had suicide intentions but they would come and go but this time was different she was ready. I never told her I too felt suicidal I wish I had done but I just wanted to listen to her know she was loved
I know I have my life ahead of me but I have no one now and what is the point with life?

hai and welcome!

that shows acuity that you've accepted & embraced our community instead of blaming us for the loss of a relative. I wish others could learn from your example!

hope you find everything you need here; this is a place of information, compassion and understanding.