Internalized self-blame over childhood

[Scribble Fan]

I just wanted to get this final thing off my chest before I ctb.

When I was a kid and one of my parents were angry at me, anything I did would make it worse. If I got upset they would constantly insult me. When I got angry they said my glares were "manipulative". Explaining myself would lead to accusations of back-chat or excuses. Apologizing would either make everything worse because now they were even more "justified" and I was "guiltier" or they would point-blank deny that I was sorry and get angrier with me for lying.

The only way out was to just immediately freeze, say nothing, nod, and apologize even if they got angry. I learned that it was always my fault, that I was evil, and that I should always feel guilty. Only then would I be left alone. Combine this with the fear of physical abuse and it became the necessary method dealing with them.

This appears to have molded how I deal with conflict as an adult. Whenever anything pops up my instinct tells me that I'm wrong and that I deserve this. I get bad flight or flight anxiety and mainly just freeze. Traumatic feelings get dragged up and I feel like I'm not allowed a voice or an opinion of my own. Any conflict is "my fault" and I can't handle it.

Main problem here is if you want anything in life there will by a myriad of conflict. You need to stand up to people, to find love and success you must compete, fortune favors the brave but I'm broken. Fear, anxiety, and panic is no way to live, I'm a nervous-wreck.

Thanks for reading!

 

[SinisterKid]

Fear, anxiety, and panic is no way to live, I'm a nervous-wreck.

Ditto with a Amen added.

Find peace my friend, whatever happens.

 

[Soul]

@Scribble Fan, I know it doesn't change anything, but I'm glad you recognize how messed up that was. You never deserved any of that.

And I still think you and I had the same "guardian". This all sounds just like my grandmother. [Shudder ugh fu icky bah!]

You never deserved any of that. And you came out an endearing sweet person. You amaze. (((Hugs)))

 

[Scribble Fan]

@Scribble Fan, I know it doesn't change anything, but I'm glad you recognize how messed up that was. You never deserved any of that.

And I still think you and I had the same "guardian". This all sounds just like my grandmother. [Shudder ugh fu icky bah!]

You never deserved any of that. And you came out an endearing sweet person. You amaze. (((Hugs)))

I'm sorry you had to go through the same.

And thank you for your kindness.Your words help

 

[Orin]

My mom was like this too; whenever she'd go on a nagging spree i've figured out that the best way to shut her up is to just stay silent, but my idiot brother would always get into an argument which of course he would never win, and drag the whole thing for several hours more.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I feel you on this .
My whole self destruction stems from the 'family of origin' ...
I learned how to fuck myself over !
All that negative self talk .
"I'm no good , I don't matter"
And then feeling like a complete fraud when you reach out for something good -
like NO you don't deserve that good shit dude !
Nightmare .
( My folks should never have married ... I'm middle aged now so I can see how
their past's fucked them up so badly , and they're both dead ... but still , ugh .)

 

[lululoo]

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, Scribble Fan. Please know it's not your fault. Plants must be watered to grow.

I hope you don't mind if I ramble here about my own family struggles. As of a month ago I was lying to myself that my chronic illness was the big motivator for my suicide, but now that I'm nearer to death I am being truthful and my emotions about my family have been stirred up. I think the way I was raised is the root cause of all my struggle and that is what has killed me. The illness just sealed the deal (and anyway it's the type of illness that some say is caused by trauma).

My dad was a narcissist. He had total control over the family, my mom was like a doped up sheep. He was angry and violent, shamed me for everything, blamed me for everything. If I dared complain I was called "oversensitive." I had no self-esteem ever, have never really known if my thoughts or opinions are okay or what my true preferences are. I searched desperately for someone to "approve" of me the way my family did not, but could never get it because my sorts of issues are not attractive to guys in the long term.

I escaped from my family for a time but they piled on extreme guilt for my distancing. I got sucked back in. My dad is nicer now, but still narcissistic, and anyways how do you ever forgive someone for wrecking your life and never even apologizing for it? He outright denies a lot, and minimizes the rest.

I wish that someone I had known in real life understood and believed what has happened to me. Sadly I think the only one who really got it was one therapist I had. And I was paying her, so who knows what she really thought. And I don't think much of therapists, so it doesn't bring me much consolation.

Sadly, I guess my suicide will be the biggest "validation" of what I suffered that I'm going to get-- not that I will even experience the aftermath.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, Scribble Fan. Please know it's not your fault. Plants must be watered to grow.

I hope you don't mind if I ramble here about my own family struggles. As of a month ago I was lying to myself that my chronic illness was the big motivator for my suicide, but now that I'm nearer to death I am being truthful and my emotions about my family have been stirred up. I think the way I was raised is the root cause of all my struggle and that is what has killed me. The illness just sealed the deal (and anyway it's the type of illness that some say is caused by trauma).

My dad was a narcissist. He had total control over the family, my mom was like a doped up sheep. He was angry and violent, shamed me for everything, blamed me for everything. If I dared complain I was called "oversensitive." I had no self-esteem ever, have never really known if my thoughts or opinions are okay or what my true preferences are. I searched desperately for someone to "approve" of me the way my family did not, but could never get it because my sorts of issues are not attractive to guys in the long term.

I escaped from my family for a time but they piled on extreme guilt for my distancing. I got sucked back in. My dad is nicer now, but still narcissistic, and anyways how do you ever forgive someone for wrecking your life and never even apologizing for it? He outright denies a lot, and minimizes the rest.

I wish that someone I had known in real life understood and believed what has happened to me. Sadly I think the only one who really got it was one therapist I had. And I was paying her, so who knows what she really thought. And I don't think much of therapists, so it doesn't bring me much consolation.

Sadly, I guess my suicide will be the biggest "validation" of what I suffered that I'm going to get-- not that I will even experience the aftermath.

I'm sorry you've gone through such similar experiences, lululoo. You didn't deserve that.

I can especially relate on having no self-esteem and not knowing myself. Honestly, it was always safer not to feel. Always felt uncomfortable even disagreeing with silly thinks like not enjoying marmalade.

I hear you. My childhood is also the key motivator for my suicide.