Venting Intense anxiety from suicide?

[Scribble Fan]

I'm planning on catching the bus this Saturday but I'm getting unbearable anxiety. I can't sleep, my head is spinning, I feel uncomfortably hot, breathing feels like suffocation... what's going on? I've wanted this for five years but now I feel like screaming. Is this SI? Fear of the dreaded veggie state? I guess it will be my first attempt (and hopefully last) but I'm surprised how much I feel like hyperventilating. I even got rid of nearly everything I own, I'm (almost) prepared...

I'm afraid, aren't I. I'm scared of dying after all these years. It's a shame I didn't know about partial when I was 16, I nearly felt euphoric about dying back then.

It may also be the trauma my younger brother will have to go through weighing in on my mind. I mean, I get anxiety like this normally anyways, but it would have to be triggered by something. Like a thought or situation. Now it's permanent 24/7 and I feel like vomiting. God, I love him more than anything. I'm seriously reconsidering for him but I don't want to consign myself to a life of agony. Maybe if I accept that living for someone else = a torture chamber then I'll be able to get through it. I just can't do this to him.

Funny how this pain, anxiety, and paranoia has driven me to ctb but now it's keeping me here. It's a relief to decide not to hang but then my other stressors come back and drag me down. I decide on suicide for momentary relieve then I feel like this again. I can't win.

Just wondering if anyone could relate

 

[lululoo]

Yes. I've been considering going soon-- though I can't say if I will or not-- and my anxiety and despair is really ramped up. I can hardly sleep, my stomach is a mess. I know what you mean about the younger years. When I was suicidal at 14, there is so much that didn't even cross my mind! (like method failing, fear of dying, fear of not existing, effect on others, sadness of never achieving certain things). Oh what a luxury! Now two decades later there is so much on my mind, even though I have far far less reason to live. It's so aggravating. I'm just trying to tell myself to be brave. Also the moments when the sadness is so extreme really help, because then I want to not exist so badly that I am just counting the days until I go.

 

[Person]

This is why I haven't set myself a date. I'm getting all my affairs in order, then I'm just waiting for the day when I think 'OK, I'm done here now'

 

[lululoo]

This is why I haven't set myself a date. I'm getting all my affairs in order, then I'm just waiting for the day when I think 'OK, I'm done here now'

I'd love to not pick a date but it's harder when you have family bugging you, and if you're using a 48 hour antimetic regimen.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'd love to not pick a date but it's harder when you have family bugging you, and if you're using a 48 hour antimetic regimen.

Same. I wouldn't have picked a date either but I don't know of any other chances I'll get in the future.

 

[Person]

I'm lucky I guess because I have my own place. I wanted to do the 48hr regime but I don't think I'd stick to it, so I'm planning on the stat dose

 

[「 」]

i get the same feelings too, just reading this thread makes my heart pound faster/stronger. usually i try to counter it with the cons of staying because im truly sick of being alive, i feel ive tried it out long enough to say i can quit now. but its still so terrifying. its so painfully ironic.

 

[SinisterKid]

Personally, I have never experienced SI, but fear of the unknown is a great motivator and I think it only natural that it would prey on your mind.

I dont do dates and times, when I am ready, then it will be time. My method will soon be in place hopefully, then I am in total control. That brings me a certain amount of peace and calmness that is otherwise not there. Having tasted death, I know its nothing to fear. So I will welcome it when it comes. But suicide is a very personal thing and it will affect us all differently.

 

[lululoo]

I'm lucky I guess because I have my own place. I wanted to do the 48hr regime but I don't think I'd stick to it, so I'm planning on the stat dose

I have my own place, but my family tries to make me to see them/talk to them regularly, plus seeing them messes with me and I don't want to do it immediately after, plus I may have symptoms from the anti-e so don't want to see anyone while I'm on those. But yeah, living alone is still helpful.

I have to do 48 hr because I'm very sensitive to drugs and I think keeping a lower steady dose is better for me.

 

[azucaramargo]

I'm planning on catching the bus this Saturday but I'm getting unbearable anxiety. I can't sleep, my head is spinning, I feel uncomfortably hot, breathing feels like suffocation... what's going on? I've wanted this for five years but now I feel like screaming. Is this SI? Fear of the dreaded veggie state? I guess it will be my first attempt (and hopefully last) but I'm surprised how much I feel like hyperventilating. I even got rid of nearly everything I own, I'm (almost) prepared...

I'm afraid, aren't I. I'm scared of dying after all these years. It's a shame I didn't know about partial when I was 16, I nearly felt euphoric about dying back then.

It may also be the trauma my younger brother will have to go through weighing in on my mind. I mean, I get anxiety like this normally anyways, but it would have to be triggered by something. Like a thought or situation. Now it's permanent 24/7 and I feel like vomiting. God, I love him more than anything. I'm seriously reconsidering for him but I don't want to consign myself to a life of agony. Maybe if I accept that living for someone else = a torture chamber then I'll be able to get through it. I just can't do this to him.

Funny how this pain, anxiety, and paranoia has driven me to ctb but now it's keeping me here. It's a relief to decide not to hang but then my other stressors come back and drag me down. I decide on suicide for momentary relieve then I feel like this again. I can't win.

Just wondering if anyone could relate

Oh Scribble Fan! You sound like you are in agony. At the very least, can you delay your Saturday deadline? I've been reading some of your other posts this evening, and they seem so upbeat and hopeful. I don't want to alienate you further by telling you how much of a mistake I think you're making by ctb'ing; because it seems like you are having to wrestle with these thoughts/plans on your own. Can you please at least postpone the date? You have people in your life who would be prostrate if you ctb'd. I am still stubbornly clinging to hope that my life will improve, even though I can confidently say no one would mourn my neurotic ass if I were gone. People would be shocked, horrified, intrigued, sorry for my parents, maybe, but no one would be sad. No one would miss me, and I still feel that there's hope for the future. And, here, you have a life FULL of love! People who admire you and want you around... I don't think it's as black-and-white as "existing for another person/living in a prison" (I'm trying to paraphrase your eloquent wording). But, doesn't that love that you have for your brother (and the puppy-dog love he has for you) indicate some hope of better things to come? Just reading your posts, you sound like a popular individual who enjoys affection from other people. Something about your writing reveals a sense of ease, confidence, amiability. Please just put this decision on the back burner. You are not ready, and hopefully never will be. Please take a holiday from these plans.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Oh Scribble Fan! You sound like you are in agony. At the very least, can you delay your Saturday deadline? I've been reading some of your other posts this evening, and they seem so upbeat and hopeful. I don't want to alienate you further by telling you how much of a mistake I think you're making by ctb'ing; because it seems like you are having to wrestle with these thoughts/plans on your own. Can you please at least postpone the date? You have people in your life who would be prostrate if you ctb'd. I am still stubbornly clinging to hope that my life will improve, even though I can confidently say no one would mourn my neurotic ass if I were gone. People would be shocked, horrified, intrigued, sorry for my parents, maybe, but no one would be sad. No one would miss me, and I still feel that there's hope for the future. And, here, you have a life FULL of love! People who admire you and want you around... I don't think it's as black-and-white as "existing for another person/living in a prison" (I'm trying to paraphrase your eloquent wording). But, doesn't that love that you have for your brother (and the puppy-dog love he has for you) indicate some hope of better things to come? Just reading your posts, you sound like a popular individual who enjoys affection from other people. Something about your writing reveals a sense of ease, confidence, amiability. Please just put this decision on the back burner. You are not ready, and hopefully never will be. Please take a holiday from these plans.

That is heartbreaking.
You don't sound like a broken being.

Is there no way you could envision peace for yourself here on Earth? Please don't give up hope. I don't mean to push a pro-life agenda on you; I don't feel like I necessarily HAVE an overriding pro-life agenda, but I really wish I could convince you of how much promise the future holds for you.

Do you really see no way through his fog? Please reconsider. Please don't give up.

Let the SS community and your brother be your mirror. It's a Velvet Underground song, but it holds true in your case. Don't you think it's possible that you're just not able to see things objectively at the moment? I am not discounting the horror of childhood trauma, but please see yourself as bigger than that.
"When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted & unkind
Let [us] stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause [we] see you."

I may not seem like a broken being but that's because I've gotten very good at hiding that over the years, this fog has been the majority of my life. I appreciate the time and thought you put into those posts for my sake but I'm sorry, I can't stand living like this anymore. My time has come.

 

[Soul]

@Scribble Fan, you know yourself and your situation better than we do. But you're having this debilitating anxiety, so we want to help. If I understand properly from your earlier posts you don't have any anti-anxiety medication, right? Would it make sense to see a doctor and get a prescription, so that you can make the decisions you need to make without being crushed by each one?

Is part of your anxiety because of the deadline you've set? (You said in one post that you don't like the idea of "scheduling" your death.) I know you feel you've got a kind of window of opportunity today but there will be others.

What method have you settled on? You've mentioned night-night as well as hanging. You mean full suspension? Have you doublechecked your anchors and ligatures and knots? We don't want to see you turn into a pumpkin or otherwise mess up your situation even more ... which seems more likely if you're doing things under duress, before you're ready.

Can I ask how old your brother is? Does he still live with your terrible parents? Have you recorded that album for him? Will you have time for that today?

I want what's best for you, @Scribble Fan. If it's your time to exit, I want that to go well for you. If it's not time yet, there *are* things you can try that could make your life more confortable. And there's always another bus to catch.

(((Hugs))). I'm Team @Scribble Fan, whatever you decide to do.

 

[not_a_robot]

I'm planning on catching the bus this Saturday but I'm getting unbearable anxiety. I can't sleep, my head is spinning, I feel uncomfortably hot, breathing feels like suffocation... what's going on? I've wanted this for five years but now I feel like screaming. Is this SI? Fear of the dreaded veggie state? I guess it will be my first attempt (and hopefully last) but I'm surprised how much I feel like hyperventilating. I even got rid of nearly everything I own, I'm (almost) prepared...

I'm afraid, aren't I. I'm scared of dying after all these years. It's a shame I didn't know about partial when I was 16, I nearly felt euphoric about dying back then.

It may also be the trauma my younger brother will have to go through weighing in on my mind. I mean, I get anxiety like this normally anyways, but it would have to be triggered by something. Like a thought or situation. Now it's permanent 24/7 and I feel like vomiting. God, I love him more than anything. I'm seriously reconsidering for him but I don't want to consign myself to a life of agony. Maybe if I accept that living for someone else = a torture chamber then I'll be able to get through it. I just can't do this to him.

Funny how this pain, anxiety, and paranoia has driven me to ctb but now it's keeping me here. It's a relief to decide not to hang but then my other stressors come back and drag me down. I decide on suicide for momentary relieve then I feel like this again. I can't win.

Just wondering if anyone could relate

I used to go on observation decks of skyscrapers and try to will myself to jump. Just climb over and jump.
My body would shake so violently I couldn't even lift my leg over the railing.

 

[Ruffian]

I'm lucky I guess because I have my own place. I wanted to do the 48hr regime but I don't think I'd stick to it, so I'm planning on the stat dose

I wish I could have that option, but my stomach's too quesay. I would like to have that kind of freedom!

 

[Scribble Fan]

@Scribble Fan, you know yourself and your situation better than we do. But you're having this debilitating anxiety, so we want to help. If I understand properly from your earlier posts you don't have any anti-anxiety medication, right? Would it make sense to see a doctor and get a prescription, so that you can make the decisions you need to make without being crushed by each one?

Is part of your anxiety because of the deadline you've set? (You said in one post that you don't like the idea of "scheduling" your death.) I know you feel you've got a kind of window of opportunity today but there will be others.

What method have you settled on? You've mentioned night-night as well as hanging. You mean full suspension? Have you doublechecked your anchors and ligatures and knots? We don't want to see you turn into a pumpkin or otherwise mess up your situation even more ... which seems more likely if you're doing things under duress, before you're ready.

Can I ask how old your brother is? Does he still live with your terrible parents? Have you recorded that album for him? Will you have time for that today?

I want what's best for you, @Scribble Fan. If it's your time to exit, I want that to go well for you. If it's not time yet, there *are* things you can try that could make your life more confortable. And there's always another bus to catch.

(((Hugs))). I'm Team @Scribble Fan, whatever you decide to do.

Hello Soul! I think the anxiety is from SI. The closer I get to death the more it fades away though, I'm beginning to feel almost soothed.

I'm going to hang with partial suspension. I will be using a belt tied to a pull-up bar, maybe with some duct tape to strengthen everything. I will double check several times but my window isn't available yet. I have 8 whole hours so that should be plenty of time.

My brother is 17 and our parents aren't a problem anymore... should I have recorded the album? I spent plenty of time playing the songs I wrote on my synthesizer but I never recorded. I was too stressed and I was unsure if it would be right to give them to the rest of my family or not. My fear is that they would listen to them and be in pain when reminded of me. My brother did quite like one of the songs I specifically played to him but would it be the right thing to do?

Thank you for all the advice Soul! I just want to ask one thing, do you believe in an afterlife? I'm hoping I cease to exist as I'm very internally messed up but if there's something else I wouldn't be that horrified. My greatest fear is that all my thoughts and emotions will be out there for everyone to see and then there'd be no escape. I know that sounds odd but it's hard to explain.

What do you believe?

 

[Soul]

I'm glad you're feeling less anxious.

I think you should indeed record your music for your brother; I'd find something like that very comforting. He may not be able to listen to it right away but someday he'll be glad to have the option.

I have many thoughts about what comes next. One of my favourites is that a little crowd of beings more familiar than anyone or anything in our lives is waiting to greet us. "Finally! You made it! HurraH, welcome back!"

Partial suspension is tricky to get right, but if it's your choice I wish you the best possible outcomes going forward.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm glad you're feeling less anxious.

I think you should indeed record your music for your brother; I'd find something like that very comforting. He may not be able to listen to it right away but someday he'll be glad to have the option.

I have many thoughts about what comes next. One of my favourites is that a little crowd of beings more familiar than anyone or anything in our lives is waiting to greet us. "Finally! You made it! HurraH, welcome back!"

Partial suspension is tricky to get right, but if it's your choice I wish you the best possible outcomes going forward.

I don't think I can do it, Soul. I can't leave my younger brother behind. The emotion is too unbearable when practicing the music to record it for him, I can't abandon him. I've dealt with too much abandonment in life, from parents withdrawing their love from me to friends not caring anymore. I'm finding it impossible to do the same with him. I don't know what to do. Everybody has been so nice to me here and they've all been telling me not to ctb.

Without my brother it would be so easy to move on. Life has been pain and I feel the old familiar weight, paranoia, and loneliness settling back over me now that I think I'll be staying. I'm going to try therapy and meds. I can compile everything I wrote on this forum and give it to whoever my therapist is, hopefully that would help.

For a few years I've wanted to get married and move to an East Asian for some reason, maybe only for the fresh landscape compared to where I grew up. If I can heal, maybe I can find someone to come with me.

Thank you so much, Soul. If it hadn't been for you and everyone being so supportive I'm not sure what decision I would have made. Bless you, you're too good for this world

 

[Soul]

You're a brave and lovely person, @Scribble Fan, and a splendid brother, and I'm glad today isn't the day. There are still things you can try, from anti-anxiety meds to emigrating to Asia, both of which sound promising. Maybe your brother can go to Asia with you when he finishes school.

I've always said music is an angel. (((Hugs)))