Venting Inner turmoil of having a brain that can’t help but love every single human it gets to know

[リンさん]

I recently met this person online and we've been talking for some days. She's quite similar to me, in age, interests, lifestyle. She's kind, not emotional but empathetic. She's also into women, which is awesome.

And I realize logically that I do not want to date her. I don't know her well enough. There are things about her I find to be deal breakers, and we seem to be incompatible emotionally. It would be quite a disaster of a relationship.

Yet, my stupid brain is head over heels. I dream about her. I think about her relentlessly. I wait every day to talk to her. I fluster and feel warm whenever she compliments or reassures me.

It's insane. I don't want these feelings. I would love to stay as her friend, but god, this is unbearable. I hate, hate, hate having crushes on people I don't want to crush on.

I hope she turns out to be evil or something so that I can let go.

 

[puella]

I have a similar issue. It's not easy for me to distinguish between platonic and romantic love (I'm neurodivergent).

I had just let people I trust create their own boundaries with me. I would be fine with it if a friend wanted intimacy, or not, and just kind of went with the vibe.

I'm probably poly, but I'm in a monogamous relationship now. I would never let myself cheat, but I feel like there's something wrong with me when I have such strong feelings for other people. I just love my friends, not to date, but my brain is dumb.

I hope you don't get your heart hurt.

 

[HollowDrop]

I feel you, it sucks to develop unnecessary feelings for someone when you don't want it. Recently I ended up having feelings for this other girl I know who is so cute and kind in many ways, but next thing I know she's together with this guy and I'm left having to watch that with my feelings going haywire. I didn't ask or want any of this.
Human emotions are such a bother. I keep telling myself no more but the feelings creep in uninvited every time.

Take care, remember to keep yourself in reality. I hope your heart will be safe.

 

[リンさん]

I feel you, it sucks to develop unnecessary feelings for someone when you don't want it. Recently I ended up having feelings for this other girl I know who is so cute and kind in many ways, but next thing I know she's together with this guy and I'm left having to watch that with my feelings going haywire. I didn't ask or want any of this.
Human emotions are such a bother. I keep telling myself no more but the feelings creep in uninvited every time.

Take care, remember to keep yourself in reality. I hope your heart will be safe.

I'm so so sorry, this is a nightmare scenario. I sincerely wish you well!

 

[DearAgony]

I can't say I've ever felt this way, but I'm sorry that you're torn between friendship and relationship with this girl. I've never dated in my 38 years and never had a sexual experience. I'm almost terrified of it.

What if I say or do the wrong thing and they hate me for it? What if they're upset that I'm not good at it or don't know what I want because I'm a virgin? I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to make this about me.

TL/DR: I'm sorry your brain's saying one thing and your heart's saying another. I hope you make a decision your content with before she finds someone else and makes that decision for you.

 

[derpyderpins]

I recently met this person online and we've been talking for some days. She's quite similar to me, in age, interests, lifestyle. She's kind, not emotional but empathetic. She's also into women, which is awesome.

And I realize logically that I do not want to date her. I don't know her well enough. There are things about her I find to be deal breakers, and we seem to be incompatible emotionally. It would be quite a disaster of a relationship.

Yet, my stupid brain is head over heels. I dream about her. I think about her relentlessly. I wait every day to talk to her. I fluster and feel warm whenever she compliments or reassures me.

It's insane. I don't want these feelings. I would love to stay as her friend, but god, this is unbearable. I hate, hate, hate having crushes on people I don't want to crush on.

I hope she turns out to be evil or something so that I can let go.

Sounds to me like you've got a big heart and aren't getting your own emotional needs met. "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does." Just like when you are hungry more and more foods start to sound AMAZING, if you are "hungry" for emotional acceptance and connection you will start to mentally salivate at every potential opportunity.

You can recognize this and overcome. You can start to fill your tummy with healthy snacks - less intense relationships where both sides are giving equally - until you are thinking rationally again, then get on a solid meal plan.

...might've taken that metaphor a bit far.

I can't say I've ever felt this way, but I'm sorry that you're torn between friendship and relationship with this girl. I've never dated in my 38 years and never had a sexual experience. I'm almost terrified of it.

What if I say or do the wrong thing and they hate me for it? What if they're upset that I'm not good at it or don't know what I want because I'm a virgin?

If your partner is a good sort of person they will happily be patient while you work at things. Communicate: "I'm nervous. I don't have experience. I want you to know that you are special to me and I want to share this experience with you, but I'm terrified of not being good enough."

I'll tell you this about sex - having sex once with a lot of people doesn't make you good at it. That's a lie that promiscuous people tell themselves. Sex becomes superior when you stick with one partner over time and learn what makes the other person feel good. It's like playing instruments together and getting true timing and chemistry.

There's no pressure in a committed relationship at the early stages of doing sexual stuff. Just don't withdraw. If the actual sex isn't going great immediately, that's fine, just maintain intimacy so your partner doesn't misinterpret your anxiety as you not being interested in them.