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Wisdom3_1-9

he/him/his
Jul 19, 2020
1,955
It feels like it did before.

When I first tried, back in May, I was at my absolute lowest. I had been planning it for a while, and then things just came to a boil and I had to go. I left home, left a note, sent messages to loved ones, delivered my will to my executor, got all the materials ready, got the hotel room, and had planned everything out. I chickened out in the afternoon, and I thought I would try again in the evening, but a friend showed up at the hotel with the police.

The second time was very different. There wasn't much planning at all. I had been through all the planning already. I was home, lying on the bed in my guest room, isolating myself from my husband. He wasn't talking to me anyway. I was at a lower point than I had ever been before and decided that this was the time. I couldn't take going any lower. But just before the final step, visions of my mom sobbing at my funeral stopped me in my tracks. I fell asleep. The moment had passed. I still wanted to end things, but the circumstances weren't as ideal anymore. And a few days later, my husband found the SN and flushed it.

It's been almost 5 months since that last attempt (which is when I decided to finally join SS, btw). It feels like it did back during the first attempt. I've been planning again. I got a new batch of SN. I just revised my will. Tomorrow, I plan on updating my notes. I have a new location picked out, and a new plan so that friends/police don't find me. My mom is here in the country this time, so I'll be able to actually give her a proper goodbye. My husband has resigned himself to hating me and is ready for me to leave. The pieces are coming together again. I'm readying myself.

I just really, really hope I can do it this time. The more I keep putting it off, the more I keep suffering. Why would I keep doing this to myself? Just end it already.
 
darksideofthebright

darksideofthebright

Check in on your happy friend
Nov 10, 2020
251
I am so sorry life has been so difficult on you. I hope with whatever you decide to do, you can find the peace and happiness you deserve. :hug: Sending you virtual hugs and in the mean time, SS is here with you.
 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,091
Hello, I am so sorry about all of this. I can't help wondering if dumping your hateful husband would improve your mood so you could have a better life. It sounds unbearable.
 
W

WornOutLife

マット
Mar 22, 2020
7,165
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so much.
Hope your plans run smoothly this time.
Wish you the best and also, I wish you find peace!
 
LonelyDude15

LonelyDude15

Currently Spiraling
Sep 26, 2020
277
Your husband? Are you gay or trans, if you don't mind me asking?
 
W

Wisdom3_1-9

he/him/his
Jul 19, 2020
1,955
Hello, I am so sorry about all of this. I can't help wondering if dumping your hateful husband would improve your mood so you could have a better life. It sounds unbearable.
I actually broke up with him twice before we even got engaged. It was the fact that I kept going back to him that caused me to realize that I would always love him and he would always be that presence in my life. I figured I might as well make it official. But even since then he's changed. I can't help but feel sometimes like I was duped; like it was all an act to try to get me to marry him, and then he could be who he really wanted to be, without concern for me. But then sometimes I think that's just the anxiety and paranoia talking. (I haven't taken my meds in weeks, after all.) I think he complicates me life at this point, but I don't think I have a life without him. Truth be told, I would have probably killed myself 16 months ago if it weren't for him.

Your husband? Are you gay or trans, if you don't mind me asking?
I don't mind at all. I'm a gay cisgender male.
 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,091
I can't help but feel sometimes like I was duped; like it was all an act to try to get me to marry him, and then he could be who he really wanted to be, without concern for me.
I assure you this what happened.
 

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