Hello Fadinglife,
As the other members have said we all know what you're going through with excruciating intimacy.
Everyday I'm alive is a reminder to me of how I've wasted my life so utterly through my own cowardice, fear, weakness, stupidity and inaction leading to a constant self-loathing that eats at me like an acid. Yet my instinct for self-preservation is still strong enough that I can't bring myself to end it all.
So I barely exist....trapped between the two extremes of a life I can't stand and a death I'm afraid of...the tension between the two slowly getting worse and which I have no idea how to resolve.
When I first joined here and read comments by the many members who are experiencing the same intense emotions that gnaw at them without mercy like mine do to me I felt a sense of relief, a sense of communion with these people, knowing that I wasn't alone by being in such bad shape.
I found people who were in the same situation as me.... willing to admit that no, life doesn't always get better...that you can't put a smiley face on every problem and it'll magically improve...that having someone tell you "hang in there" is nothing more than an insultingly shallow way of saying "keep suffering"....that no matter what you do...no matter how hard you try...the pain doesn't always go away and even gets worse instead.
Sadly, not even this does much for me anymore.....
