It's so hard for me to go through the motions of living out my last days. A part of me wants to go ALL IN on my art and just try so many things I've always wanted to do. But, the other part of me sees that there's no reason for me to exert that kind of energy. Work hard for what? I've busted my ass for stuff in the past, and ended up with nothing but ash in my mouth. I don't know what about me thinks that life is all of a sudden going to 'make it right' now. It doesn't matter. Plus, the world is literally going to crap. It's not even worth expressing myself in. If I was going to have the things I want, I would have them. It's apparent that these things and the life I envisioned for myself is not meant to be achieved by me. So, it's hard for me to give anything other than the required effort just to get from day to day until I CTB. I don't even want the things I did when I was naive and believed that this existence was worth striving to stay in. I don't care about money, female attention, friendships, or any of that anymore. It's all a fairy tale. This life doesn't contain that for me, so I don't strive for it anymore. So, I feel you on what you're saying. The only thing I want from life, at this point, is OUT.