Feels like how I felt when my first long term relationship ended or something. Just these intense physical manifestations of dread and despair. I'm just typing to the void rather than lying here and focus on the feeling. I can feel it in my stomach but I can't even say what it feels like exactly. Just extremely unpleasant and dreadful. I guess it seems like grief if I had to choose a word. Why grief?
I called a crisis line tonight for the first time in quite a while because I felt REALLY desperate to do anything to feel better. It did help a little bit since I knew I could talk to someone other than my parents. Those hotlines have their problems and aren't worth a lot for me but it felt nice despite the invasive questions about if I'm in danger of myself or whatever. I almost had to go into survival mode tonight because I was really losing and not feeling myself and didn't want to end up behaving in a way that would make things worse, you know, extreme fits of anger and talking to myself type of thing. Only happens when it gets really bad and really bad means REALLY bad.
But yeah, I was really losing it to the point where I felt so desperate to regain control that my brain actually just allowed me to tell myself the lie that everything is going to be okay and that things aren't extremely dark and twisted. That very rarely happens for me. Still though, I'm really scared for whats to come but I'm just going to push it away as long as I can. I really am losing it lately. Enough pain will make anyone begin to I suppose. There seems to be several physical issues that I'm suspicious are stemming from mental torture. Feeling a strange pain right now among other things that have all popped up recently.
I'm concerned that I'm having issues now since brushing my teeth has grown further impossible. I'm very scared, very very scared of what's to come knowing that I'm stuck here for a some time. I can't end my pain while my parents are alive. I don't know if I can really make it but am giving it all I got. I don't think it's fair to me but I just am trying all I can for now. This is definitely horrible.
I literally walk around the world perceiving everything in the most horrid way at times. Everything provokes fear and I can not see positivity in anything a lot of the time. Even when I do see it, I don't feel it. I just don't know any other way to express it other than repeating myself over and over again. This is just terrible. Terror terror terror..
Seriously, it's getting bad and I'm aware that I'm saying the same thing over and over but just don't know what to do other than type to the void.
Wish things were so much different than this. I have been getting SO angry lately and just hold in this intense rage constantly because I don't want to blow up on people who have good intentions but I can't even cut to take out the rage. Was alone all day and just kept pacing back and forth the same four walls talking to myself. The emotional pain is all encompassing.
Despite all this, I just can't stop blaming myself for everything. It is so much guilt I carry. I feel like I'm the reason I can't get better despite the fact I have tried hard. Maybe it's a result of societal attitudes of victim blaming. Am I being so negative that I do this to myself? It couldn't be but the thought keeps coming to me year after year and is driving me insane. I can feel it that music and movies that relate to how I feel bring me comfort and relief but I feel worried that everyone thinks I'm "Feeding my brain negativity"
Doesn't it make sense thought that if I already live in the state in which the music I enjoy reflects, I would feel a sense of companionship and validation in it? Should I stop making art because it's so negative and miserable? Am I tormenting myself? Am I being insane for even entertaining these ideas? I feel like an utter failure. Everywhere I look and everything I feel is horror so why would it make me feel worse to watch a fictional horror film when I already live in what I percieve to be a non-fictional horror world? Does this make sense or am I insane? WTF
I called a crisis line tonight for the first time in quite a while because I felt REALLY desperate to do anything to feel better. It did help a little bit since I knew I could talk to someone other than my parents. Those hotlines have their problems and aren't worth a lot for me but it felt nice despite the invasive questions about if I'm in danger of myself or whatever. I almost had to go into survival mode tonight because I was really losing and not feeling myself and didn't want to end up behaving in a way that would make things worse, you know, extreme fits of anger and talking to myself type of thing. Only happens when it gets really bad and really bad means REALLY bad.
But yeah, I was really losing it to the point where I felt so desperate to regain control that my brain actually just allowed me to tell myself the lie that everything is going to be okay and that things aren't extremely dark and twisted. That very rarely happens for me. Still though, I'm really scared for whats to come but I'm just going to push it away as long as I can. I really am losing it lately. Enough pain will make anyone begin to I suppose. There seems to be several physical issues that I'm suspicious are stemming from mental torture. Feeling a strange pain right now among other things that have all popped up recently.
I'm concerned that I'm having issues now since brushing my teeth has grown further impossible. I'm very scared, very very scared of what's to come knowing that I'm stuck here for a some time. I can't end my pain while my parents are alive. I don't know if I can really make it but am giving it all I got. I don't think it's fair to me but I just am trying all I can for now. This is definitely horrible.
I literally walk around the world perceiving everything in the most horrid way at times. Everything provokes fear and I can not see positivity in anything a lot of the time. Even when I do see it, I don't feel it. I just don't know any other way to express it other than repeating myself over and over again. This is just terrible. Terror terror terror..
Seriously, it's getting bad and I'm aware that I'm saying the same thing over and over but just don't know what to do other than type to the void.
Wish things were so much different than this. I have been getting SO angry lately and just hold in this intense rage constantly because I don't want to blow up on people who have good intentions but I can't even cut to take out the rage. Was alone all day and just kept pacing back and forth the same four walls talking to myself. The emotional pain is all encompassing.
Despite all this, I just can't stop blaming myself for everything. It is so much guilt I carry. I feel like I'm the reason I can't get better despite the fact I have tried hard. Maybe it's a result of societal attitudes of victim blaming. Am I being so negative that I do this to myself? It couldn't be but the thought keeps coming to me year after year and is driving me insane. I can feel it that music and movies that relate to how I feel bring me comfort and relief but I feel worried that everyone thinks I'm "Feeding my brain negativity"
Doesn't it make sense thought that if I already live in the state in which the music I enjoy reflects, I would feel a sense of companionship and validation in it? Should I stop making art because it's so negative and miserable? Am I tormenting myself? Am I being insane for even entertaining these ideas? I feel like an utter failure. Everywhere I look and everything I feel is horror so why would it make me feel worse to watch a fictional horror film when I already live in what I percieve to be a non-fictional horror world? Does this make sense or am I insane? WTF
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