Venting In psych ward and miss my ex

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

Ive been in the psych ward for the last 3 days and im not sure why I even went in the first place. Being bored out of my mind and talking to a psychiatrist for 5 minutes a day obviously doesnt do anything to help me and im not sure why i thought it would. Ive been woken up twice tonight by two seperate dreams about my ex and its fucking killing me. Its been more time since weve broken up than the length of our relationship and I feel like im never going to get over her. I broke up with her impulsively one day while we were on the couch watching tv because I felt as if I was losing attraction to her but thinking back on it it was a really fucking terrible decision. She was rightfully extremely shocked and upset. Both of us were crying when I left that day. Ive always struggled with being attracted to women that treat me like shit and like an option but she never treated me that way. She always validated my feelings, texted me how much she missed me, checked in on me, and I could always trust her no matter what. I think that made her less attractive to me and slightly uncomfortable because I had never received that kind of love before and deep inside wanted someone that would treat me like garbage. I just wish I would have leaned into that discomfort instead of making a stupid fucking decision impulsively like I always do. Now shes gone for good. I tried to get her back but she just said that she was sorry that im hurting but she had moved on. My friend saw her on tinder 3 weeks after the breakup. I fucking hate myself so much for not only ruining my own chance at happiness, but hurting her badly as well. If I still had her, I know I wouldnt be wanting to kill myself. I just cant believe I ruined what we had. When I do get out of the psych ward and kill myself, im going to leave a note lying to her that none of it had anything to do with her and that even if we were still together, I would have done it. (Also should mention losing her is only one of my many reasons for being suicidal.)

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be hard to deal with what you are going through. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.