impulsive now, and my situation

[lobster salad]

I don't know what's going on with me. Right now I'm shaking and trembling all over while crying, it's in the middle of the night here and everyone is sleeping while I'm holding a kitchen knife, I want to stab my self so darn hard but im scared I'm going to scream and wake everyone up.... what should I do? I'm not even officially depressed and I have no diagnosis of mental illness but I know I am so worthless , stupid and lazy everyday .... family and friends will be shocked of suicide because I'm great at putting on a happy face with them around. I suppose I Should go to a psychiatrist but it might be disheartening for me and my family to realize or find out if i am crazy. I've put down the knife as I'm typing but after I'm done i might slide it through my chest. I should be studying shite hard right now or sleeping instead of being flooded with thoughts of quitting life. I had an exam today and for the rest of the week I will have more on each consecutive day(yes i am still a young man)
I am disappointed with myself as today, i left the paper blank. What's was the point of doing it if life will soon be over - that was my thinking hours ago and now I half regret. Anyone else relate/knows what exactly should I do? I kindof want help but I don't know if anonymous help exists/ will work. At all cost I don't want my family to find out anything if their seemingly "alright" Son has issues in the head. My social and communication skills are obviously poor as well because I barely talk. Why do I have to be worse than everyone else... I am so lost with my life and I probably can't get up. Lobstersalad is probably the most stupid member on the site for having an intense urge to kill himself for this. yesterday it was almost the same, I sat on a rooftop, urge to jump. Could all this just be some normal exam stress

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Being depressed doesn't mean that you're crazy. And you are definitely not stupid. It's hard to think rationally when you're upset and your emotions are all over the place. It makes it hard to focus on normal things when all you can think about is CTB.

After years of struggling with depression, today I went back to the doctors and got prescribed antidepressants for the first time. It's not an easy step to make but it's a good first step into tackling depression.