Discussion Imposter syndrome regarding CTBing/suicide

[SomewhatLoved]

I've talked about my mental issues with very few people. None of my family know I'm suicidal.

For my age, I'm pretty accomplished in my career and savings. I've had multiple older coworkers tell me that they wish they made some of the decisions I've made regarding my career or savings or just general things regarding financial responsibility.

But mentally I'm so depressed. I have money and a good professional life, but I have no personal aspirations. I'm so unsatisfied with everything, but nobody knows. It almost makes me feel like I can't kill myself because "it doesn't make sense". I think about how my cousins or brother or parents would find out, and it's like my none of them would suspect it at all. But I've felt this way for almost 12 years now.

 

[gothbird]

Having things doesn't cancel out pain. You can have stability. You can have money. You can even have admiration and still feel completely hollow inside. It doesn't make you a fraud. It doesn't make you selfish. It makes you a person whose internal world doesn't match what other people see—and that's more common than anyone wants to admit.
Imposter syndrome around suicidality is real, and it's brutal. You start thinking you need to earn your suffering. That unless you're broke, alone, or bleeding in a dramatic way, then your pain doesn't count. But that's just another layer of shame on top of something already hard to carry.
The truth is, some people hit every external milestone and still feel nothing. Or worse—feel trapped by it. Like the life they've built is a cage that others envy. So then you feel guilty for not being grateful, and the cycle just gets tighter.
Twelve years is a long time to feel this way. That alone says more than any job title or savings account ever could.
You're not weak. You're not broken. You don't owe anyone a perfect explanation for why this hurts. It just does.
And that's enough.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Having things doesn't cancel out pain. You can have stability. You can have money. You can even have admiration and still feel completely hollow inside. It doesn't make you a fraud. It doesn't make you selfish. It makes you a person whose internal world doesn't match what other people see—and that's more common than anyone wants to admit.
Imposter syndrome around suicidality is real, and it's brutal. You start thinking you need to earn your suffering. That unless you're broke, alone, or bleeding in a dramatic way, then your pain doesn't count. But that's just another layer of shame on top of something already hard to carry.
The truth is, some people hit every external milestone and still feel nothing. Or worse—feel trapped by it. Like the life they've built is a cage that others envy. So then you feel guilty for not being grateful, and the cycle just gets tighter.
Twelve years is a long time to feel this way. That alone says more than any job title or savings account ever could.
You're not weak. You're not broken. You don't owe anyone a perfect explanation for why this hurts. It just does.
And that's enough.

I appreciate your kind words.

It feels kind of silly, because I've never really been a materialistic person. I don't really care about money and really only save so that if I keep living maybe I can actually afford to retire some day. But still, it leaves me feeling guilty because people who know about my money look at me and seem to envy it (it's not even that much by the way, but considering I'm 20 most people seem to admire the fact I have any savings at all).

 

[FrozenOcean]

I appreciate your kind words.

It feels kind of silly, because I've never really been a materialistic person. I don't really care about money and really only save so that if I keep living maybe I can actually afford to retire some day. But still, it leaves me feeling guilty because people who know about my money look at me and seem to envy it (it's not even that much by the way, but considering I'm 20 most people seem to admire the fact I have any savings at all).

All of the security and income in the world won't change mental health challenges. We often don't get a choice about having mental illness, it almost always stems from our childhood and care givers or some other environmental factors. Until we come to terms with where ever that nagging depression or mood disorder originates from, we will continue to struggle regardless of our needs being met otherwise. Even once you can understand where it originates from, it's often a life long task recovering with therapy to start feeling even remotely better. It's totally possible to sort out your emotions, come to terms with how to cope and live a fulfilling life. When I was your age I was just starting to understand my mental health, now I'm middle aged and my issues were way bigger than I could have ever imagined back then. A lot of it comes down to self acceptance, situational awareness and perseverance. There can be a wide variety of reasons for depression, best explored with a therapist that truly cares.