Immediately regretting the decision to commit suicide - what does this mean?

[noname223]

I read this quite often. Especially in suicide prevention stories they explain such a story. I think the man who survived the jump of the Golden Gate bridge explained those thought after his jump. He said he immediately regretted to jump from that bridge after he did it.

I am only layman and I am not able to give statistics, how often that happens and what this really means. Though I can give a layman theory influenced by my own suicidality.

Personally I don't necessarily like to die. I would prefer a good life or at least a somewhat bearable life. I don't think life is inherently bad. However life does not seem to offer me that. I tried a lot and if I could achieve a somewhat happy state I would prefer that over killing myself. And I think I am not the only suicidal person that thinks like that. There is some ambiguity in my suicidal thoughts, tiny hope mixed with a lot of desperation. Also in this instance I think I am not alone.

Personally I think I could also might doubt my decision after I did it. However I think my life quality will be that bad that eventually there will be no other option than suicide. It will involve a lot of pain but I think my agony will drive me over the edge eventually. I could very well imagine (knowing my extremely anxious brain) that I start panicking in my last seconds on earth. This influenced my choice which suicide method I want to use. I often imagined to jump in front of a train. Though I can very well imagine that if this gigantic train is heading right to me that I jump away close before it can hit me leaving me permanently disabled for the rest of my life.

Actually I thought a lot about such a scenario because I know my hyper anxious mind. I had the initial thought of this thread when someone described watching hanging videos and how some people desperately try to free themselves but eventually they die. Because of such a scenario I always prefered jumping instead of a train suicide. I cannot really imagine not to panic in my last seconds. But when I jumped there is not such a risk compared to the train suicide attempt. In the end I also don't want to use jumping but this has other reasons.

I think everyone has to draw his or her own conclusion to such an ambivalence. Some people will say there should not be any ambivalence when making this step. But personally I cannot imagine this for me. I think I will never be without sadness that my life drove me to do it. There will always be thoughts in my mind why so much horrible things happened to me. There will always be melancholia when looking back in my life and real anger and pain why so much abuse and bullying had to happen. But I think life will be so tormenting that I don't really have a choice.

 

[busybee]

I think many people regret it in the very moment they commit as a form of SI.
Afterwards it is quite individual. Quite a few of us here tried multiple times. Me included.
They mainly highlight the big regret stories as part of their pro life propaganda.
No shame in surviving and realising that life is worth it for the person. Good for them honestly. A lot of us won't feel that way should we survive though and that is also okay.

 

[SolomonKado]

I am happy for you to have made a decision. Sometimes we have to do something extreme to force ourselves into what we are searching for. Whatever the decision is for anyone is to find peace of mind one way or the other.

 

[noname223]

I am happy for you to have made a decision. Sometimes we have to do something extreme to force ourselves into what we are searching for. Whatever the decision is for anyone is to find peace of mind one way or the other.

So far I have not made a determined final decision. I tend to committing suicide eventually though I keep playing this game until it becomes extremely unbearable again which is far from unlikely in my case.

 

[SolomonKado]

So far I have not made a determined final decision. I tend to committing suicide eventually though I keep playing this game until it becomes extremely unbearable again which is far from unlikely in my case.

I don't know if this will seem inappropriate or not, but why not sit down with pen and paper. Write live and die at the top. In living write all the good things in your live that make you want to live. Under die write all the negative things that cause you to feel so emotionally distraught and wanting to end your life. Maybe seeing it all written down could put it into context. Really give it your full effort because for you both decisions are really important.

 

[illAF]

Death scares me and I often find my self ambivalent. I know if I could have a good quality of life, I wouldnt choose to die. But I can't. This is my only way now. So I feel you.
Im also scared of regretting.

But i remember a few years ago, I did an attempt by OD and cutting wrist (it was naïve to think I could die by that method but at that time I really think it could work) and the last thing I remember before falling asleep is a pure state of peacefulness I had never known before and have never know since ! But it was with benzos mostly so again, it was peaceful.

For the train, I once impulsively ran away from a clinic to go to the rails. When the train arrived, the conductor saw me, he made the big "klaxon" noise and I just couldnt stay on the track. SI kicked in so strongly !
I stayed there quite in chock but thinking i would retry with another train. Turned out the conductor must had say something cause the next train stopped in the middle of the tracks and minutes later I was handcuffed by the police... Here for my little anecdote

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think a lot is to do with the shock of knowing you're actually dieing- or- about to die. Like other people have suggested- a form of SI. I think after making any really big decision in life, you can have a moment of insecurity/ panic. Even just making a big purchase, agreeing to a job, signing a lease to move. I feel like I have experienced a brief moment of panic afterwards- like- what if this is the wrong decision? The decision to end our lives is the biggest one we're likely to make. It doesn't surprise me that people have doubts- even and maybe especially after initiating the process. Most especially if it's a process that is terrifying- like falling hundreds of feet. That's bound to make you think- maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

 

[alonely]

I think there's definitely bias in the stories. Pro-lifers will love to publish the story of someone who regretted it. Don't think we'll see much in the news about the people who failed but still want to die.

Also people who want to live after an attempt are probably more likely to actually be getting adequate help and support from family/friends/community that learned about the attempt.