Venting Immature for wanting to die

[_Kaira_]

Sorry beforehand if my thoughts seem everywhere...

Just had *shockingly* another argument.

Again over the same old crap. Since it's tough for me to look and find work because of my problems, I get nagged daily about not having a job and such.

He knows 100% how I feel about suicide, I crash and burn more often than not because of my issues.
The argument evolved into how suicide is selfish yada yada yada, how I cursed the family I live with, how I'm crazy and disgusting, and a disappointment.
When I said that guilting me and making me feel insane just makes things worse, he said "Good, you should feel guilty."
Got threatened for cops to be called to remove me from their house if I don't find a job anytime soon, and that they'd put a lock on my computer so I can't use the internet at certain times just to make things more inconvenient for me. When I asked why, he told me
cause I needed to grow the hell up and stop thinking of myself.

He also said that my parents were right, and that he understands as to why they treated me the way they did.
He knows that they abused me, when I pointed that out that they abused me even when I was a little kid, he said
"You probably think spankings are abuse too."
My parents did just a 'little' bit more than just punishment for bad behavior...but whatever.

Oh but I can go to him and his family about how I feel right? I just can't talk about certain things... I'm so d*mn tired of this hell.

As if I didn't want to die so badly already.
I feel so trapped, he woke me up at 4am just to have this argument, I'm in so much agony right now. I wish I could afford SN, I need out so badly right now.

Yeah maybe I am immature. I don't really care. I can't live like this anymore, it's such unbearable pain.
My cocktail of medications are ever changing, and just make me feel tired, sick and dizzy all day.
Therapy is anxiety inducing, and I can't talk without being responded to from a script, they all literally say the same things. I'm so sick of the wards also!
I'm getting SH*T 'support' from people who I'm apparently supposed to go to when I feel this way. F*CK!!!!

"I can't let you be comfortable, because you will never get better that way." What the hell kind of logic is this?

Why is it so hard to be able to opt out of life with dignity?

 

[yive]

your story made me horrified once again.

it's never too early to die. i want to die asap.
i would not even want to live up to my current age, i should have died earlier. i feel like shit because of the realization that i was ever born into this fucking hell.

i send you my energy and love

 

[MindFog]

Fuck man.. I dont know what to say. He's definitely a terrible person to even suggest that you deserve punishment for being sick. The audacity to imply you deserve being abused! Reading posts like these make me too angry.

How the hell do they expect you get better if they keep pushing your head down?! That one day you'll just straighten up and thank them for not "putting up" with your problems.

Who ever that person is, its clear he's abusive. He's already pushing you to the edge because he know you're suicidal. It'll be better if you leave, but I dont know much about your living situation. It might be hard for you. I wish I can do more about this other than talking honestly.
I just hope it gets better for you. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

[_Kaira_]

your story made me horrified once again.

it's never too early to die. i want to die asap.
i would not even want to live up to my current age, i should have died earlier. i feel like shit because of the realization that i was ever born into this fucking hell.

i send you my energy and love

Thank you

Makes me think of how when I was around 16, I had again, told my mother I wanted to die. I don't exactly remember details but we had been arguing over something. She brought out one of her pistols and tried to hand it to me, saying if I wanted to die so badly that 'here's a chance to prove it'. I know she was trying to call a bluff....but I was scared.

I wish I would have taken that offer back then.

Fuck man.. I dont know what to say. He's definitely a terrible person to even suggest that you deserve punishment for being sick. The audacity to imply you deserve being abused! Reading posts like these make me too angry.

How the hell do they expect you get better if they keep pushing your head down?! That one day you'll just straighten up and thank them for not "putting up" with your problems.

Who ever that person is, its clear he's abusive. He's already pushing you to the edge because he know you're suicidal. It'll be better if you leave, but I dont know much about your living situation. It might be hard for you. I wish I can do more about this other than talking honestly.
I just hope it gets better for you. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Admittedly I was not always the kindest to him, but I've been doing my d*mnest to treat them better.
It's hard especially with how they treat me. He says that getting a job and living life will help me be too busy to think about suicide.. it's not like I havn't been trying to get a job. That isn't the core issue.
Essentially admitted that I'm expected to just ignore my feelings and fake being happy. He says that he is tired of dealing with my problems. I honestly think he does expect me to start swimming on my own because "I have done all I can for you, but you're (me) a lost cause."

Trust me, I want to leave. But yeah, no money, job, and it's not the safest idea to be homeless in my area.
The only place I realistically can go is right back to my family...

Everyone's kind thoughts are enough for me. It's more than I get from anyone IRL and 'professionals'. Thank you.

 

[MindFog]

Trust me, I want to leave. But yeah, no money, job, and it's not the safest idea to be homeless in my area.

Yes, I know how that feels. I'm so afraid of being kicked out too because i know i'd be homeless myself. So you just had to choice but to put up with their shit. And that gets awful. You might already know this, but sometimes people can stick their harsh words on you so I'll say it again.

Please, dont think of yourself as immature or deserving of hate. You're sick. We're sick. We want to ctb because we can't get the help we need and the world is just a dumpster fire. Don't let that man poison your heart, man.

Even if you're the most suicidal person there is, it doesn't justify any of the things he's doing, yes even if you aren't nice to him. Sending my biggest, warmest hugs.

 

[_Kaira_]

Yes, I know how that feels. I'm so afraid of being kicked out too because i know i'd be homeless myself. So you just had to choice but to put up with their shit. And that gets awful. You might already know this, but sometimes people can stick their harsh words on you so I'll say it again.

It's more so scary cause I wouldn't even know how to protect myself. Being a woman in AZ, a lot of dangerous people out here at night especially in my area. Access to food and the overwhelming heat would be the least of my worries.

Please, dont think of yourself as immature or deserving of hate. You're sick. We're sick. We want to ctb because we can't get the help we need and the world is just a dumpster fire. Don't let that man poison your heart, man.

Even if you're the most suicidal person there is, it doesn't justify any of the things he's doing, yes even if you aren't nice to him. Sending my biggest, warmest hugs.

Some times when I have my breakdowns, I cry and I tell him that I know I'm a garbage PoS going no where in my life. That I am a monster and don't deserve to be happy. Somedays I'm unsure of what's true anymore and think maybe I just use excuses to be such a waste of life. Idk.

But thank you, I needed this.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

What a nasty person he sounds like, that's no way to speak to a person you love, even if it comes from frustration and genuine feelings of helplessness on his part.

I wish there was something I could say other than I know how it feels. It hurt me to read this because I see myself in you, I've had the exact same conversations with my boyfriend where he spouted off the exact same canned responses, told me that once I'm through uni and get a job that I'll feel better, that I make the choice not to improve or enjoy life, yadda yadda yadda. So I know how crushing it is to hear those things.

I believe they just don't understand. Once your pain doesn't exist in the paradigm of their world view anymore (ie. All of the "help" failed you and there's not much else you can do) it's like their programming shuts down and they can only assume that somehow it's your fault, you aren't doing enough even if you've followed every suggestion and devoured an entire great library's worth of self-improvement manuals.

His treatment of you is born from ignorance. You are trying your best, and you are hurting all the while, so he should be showing some compassion and empathy instead of touting that individualistic nonsense and trying to place blame when it is unecessary.

Sending my thoughts to you <3

 

[_Kaira_]

What a nasty person he sounds like, that's no way to speak to a person you love, even if it comes from frustration and genuine feelings of helplessness on his part.

I wish there was something I could say other than I know how it feels. It hurt me to read this because I see myself in you, I've had the exact same conversations with my boyfriend where he spouted off the exact same canned responses, told me that once I'm through uni and get a job that I'll feel better, that I make the choice not to improve or enjoy life, yadda yadda yadda. So I know how crushing it is to hear those things.

I believe they just don't understand. Once your pain doesn't exist in the paradigm of their world view anymore (ie. All of the "help" failed you and there's not much else you can do) it's like their programming shuts down and they can only assume that somehow it's your fault, you aren't doing enough even if you've followed every suggestion and devoured an entire great library's worth of self-improvement manuals.

His treatment of you is born from ignorance. You are trying your best, and you are hurting all the while, so he should be showing some compassion and empathy instead of touting that individualistic nonsense and trying to place blame when it is unecessary.

Sending my thoughts to you <3

Oh gosh don't even get me started. He tells me I'm not trying hard enough and that I don't actually want to get better since I don't do anything. One of the reasons why I feel this way is cause I'm literally do exhausted to do much. Even so much as getting out of bed is an accomplishment on the daily. And they speak of having daily schedules ugh. I can deny and say I am doing my utmost best all I get is "I don't think you are."

He's been saying lately that he's tired of being nice, he's done all he could, and he doesn't want to deal with me anymore.
It hurts so much, cause I feel as if I already lost all of them, and they're all I had left.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Oh gosh don't even get me started. He tells me I'm not trying hard enough and that I don't actually want to get better since I don't do anything. One of the reasons why I feel this way is cause I'm literally do exhausted to do much. Even so much as getting out of bed is an accomplishment on the daily. And they speak of having daily schedules ugh. I can deny and say I am doing my utmost best all I get is "I don't think you are."

He's been saying lately that he's tired of being nice, he's done all he could, and he doesn't want to deal with me anymore.
It hurts so much, cause I feel as if I already lost all of them, and they're all I had left.

Do you think you might have chronic fatigue syndrome? It started out like that for me as well, I couldn't get out of bed and was becoming increasingly exhausted. The schedules didn't help either because my physical condition became so unpredictable.

That's incredibly unfair and unkind of him. I hate it when people say, "only you can help yourself, I've done all I can do." Sometimes nobody can do anything, and it isn't your fault that yor're exhausted and in pain.

 

[_Kaira_]

Do you think you might have chronic fatigue syndrome? It started out like that for me as well, I couldn't get out of bed and was becoming increasingly exhausted. The schedules didn't help either because my physical condition became so unpredictable.

That's incredibly unfair and unkind of him. I hate it when people say, "only you can help yourself, I've done all I can do." Sometimes nobody can do anything, and it isn't your fault that yor're exhausted and in pain.

I don't know. I've been labeled so many things, it's hard to keep track of lol.

I don't expect anyone else to have to deal with me. Hardly I can say I want to deal with myself.
Even therapists pass me off to other therapists when they feel as though they can't help me.
But still...people wonder why I have to resort to using a suicide forum to get any tiny bit of companionship.