Recently I am less suicidal since I met that woman in my self-help group. She gives me actually hope. We seem to like each other. But I am really scared to fuck it up. Moreover I sleep really really bad and might be close to a manic episode. In my manic episodes I am not suicidal and sometimes the life quality was awesome. However after my mania I crash and I plan to kill myself when the next crash happens.
But there is another thing even if I can prevent a manic episodes. My body is in a really weird position. I don't have hunger anymore due to the college stress. I think I am beyond any limit but I just continue and my body might collapse. I had a blood test and I had many deficits I hope the reason is my nutrition. This might be an explanation. Another thing is really weird. Almost no matter how much unhealthy shit I eat I don't gain any weight anymore. Me someone who always had to be super careful not to eat too much. I am now able to eat what I want without gaining weight. There were some really weird results with that blood test. For example I increased the dosage of one medication and now less amounts of that medication was found in my blood compared to the time before we increased the dosage.
My body gives me more signals that something is really wrong. It would be ironic my suicidal thoughts get less, I have the chance to get a girlfriend, etc. I just imagine how ironic it would be to get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer now. I am not really happy in my life but there were worse times. My opinion will completely change and be diametrically when I fuck it up with that woman.
But there is another thing even if I can prevent a manic episodes. My body is in a really weird position. I don't have hunger anymore due to the college stress. I think I am beyond any limit but I just continue and my body might collapse. I had a blood test and I had many deficits I hope the reason is my nutrition. This might be an explanation. Another thing is really weird. Almost no matter how much unhealthy shit I eat I don't gain any weight anymore. Me someone who always had to be super careful not to eat too much. I am now able to eat what I want without gaining weight. There were some really weird results with that blood test. For example I increased the dosage of one medication and now less amounts of that medication was found in my blood compared to the time before we increased the dosage.
My body gives me more signals that something is really wrong. It would be ironic my suicidal thoughts get less, I have the chance to get a girlfriend, etc. I just imagine how ironic it would be to get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer now. I am not really happy in my life but there were worse times. My opinion will completely change and be diametrically when I fuck it up with that woman.
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