Venting I’m wondering if I’m even human

[farukon]

Everyone I hold dear has left me, and I thought I was being plain paranoid at first, but now I truly know that a friend of a friend has encouraged everyone to leave me , and in this process I don't believe any of them see me as human anymore, but rather some intentionally manipulative shell who doesn't feel a thing , or an "energy vampire" as I've seen other people describe

I hardly feel human
And it's like my pain means nothing at all or is anything to blink at , because of course, everyone has their own more important problems

And now that they've left they still have a wonderful support system and ways to laugh and find joy in their lives, which of course is great for them, I'm happy they're happy, but they were my support system and I'm truly isolated . I've been isolated for months now with no deep connection to even share the comfort of presence with . It's agonizing and I just wish this pain would end, and I don't know what the future holds or if they'll ever return , but I vowed to never speak or think of killing myself again, since that is why they left , I won't go back on mh words, but they aren't responding so I'm left to continue living in pain
Selfishly and disgustingly, in my times of dire need I wish that she was hugging me, of course though she never had because she's just an online friend , in moments like these I feel like I've totally regressed to a 12 year old , I curl into a ball on the floor or in a corner and I cling weakly to the wall or rug out of desperation , I hardly feel human at all

 

[Graveyardly]

Sorry about that, losing a group of close friends is one of the worst experiences, people underestimate how harming and isolating it is. I don't know how old you are so I won't presume. But I can tell you I've lost 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 friend groups that were close to me and that I would spend all my time with, and I think I'm forgetting some.

It feels like the end of the world, it feels like the world betrayed you, because it might be the case. One talkative friend talks to another and another, a rumour spreads or another, or someone starts saying you're a loser. It doesn't matter. Friend groups come and go, and from your experience you become more able to recognise people you can trust, or people that you have more affinities with and that are special to you even among a group. And maybe when that group disappears you keep that one friend, etc

 

[farukon]

Sorry about that, losing a group of close friends is one of the worst experiences, people underestimate how harming and isolating it is. I don't know how old you are so I won't presume. But I can tell you I've lost 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 friend groups that were close to me and that I would spend all my time with, and I think I'm forgetting some.

It feels like the end of the world, it feels like the world betrayed you, because it might be the case. One talkative friend talks to another and another, a rumour spreads or another, or someone starts saying you're a loser. It doesn't matter. Friend groups come and go, and from your experience you become more able to recognise people you can trust, or people that you have more affinities with and that are special to you even among a group. And maybe when that group disappears you keep that one friend, etc

Unfortunately there is no blame on them, it was entirely my fault as to why they left

 

[Graveyardly]

Unfortunately there is no blame on them, it was entirely my fault as to why they left

Yeah I lost my last friend group half my fault and half because of them. So do you feel like you are a manipulative person as they said or an "energy vampire" ? I know some people think having friends is like an achievement and keeping them and controlling them is like a game. If that's your case maybe reflect on what you're looking for in companionship. Being honest with yourself and others usually leads to better outcomes.

If you don't feel you are like that at all then maybe they exaggerated what they said about you, so don't take it as your fault.

 

[farukon]

Yeah I lost my last friend group half my fault and half because of them. So do you feel like you are a manipulative person as they said or an "energy vampire" ? I know some people think having friends is like an achievement and keeping them and controlling them is like a game. If that's your case maybe reflect on what you're looking for in companionship. Being honest with yourself and others usually leads to better outcomes.

If you don't feel you are like that at all then maybe they exaggerated what they said about you, so don't take it as your fault.

Im not playing a game, i care the most about them out of any of the people in my life .. ie a bpd Favorite Person
They left because of my talk of suicidal ideation when I was spiraling and isolated because the stress was too much for them . Which is fair ..

 

[Graveyardly]

Im not playing a game, i care the most about them out of any of the people in my life .. ie a bpd Favorite Person
They left because of my talk of suicidal ideation when I was spiraling and isolated because the stress was too much for them . Which is fair ..

It's fair you're right. I lost a few good friends because I opened up and they weren't in a place where they could understand or help me.
It's a heavy topic and there's a strong stigma against it. We both learned the hard way that this is not the kind of topic to share with anybody. Society kind of pushed the dialogue about suicide to be only had with a doctor or psychiatrist sadly, or places like here.
It's not your fault either, sometimes there's just bad situations and you end up alone. I hope you have someone to talk to professionally, but if you want there's many people here that are willing to listen to you.

 

[farukon]

It's fair you're right. I lost a few good friends because I opened up and they weren't in a place where they could understand or help me.
It's a heavy topic and there's a strong stigma against it. We both learned the hard way that this is not the kind of topic to share with anybody. Society kind of pushed the dialogue about suicide to be only had with a doctor or psychiatrist sadly, or places like here.
It's not your fault either, sometimes there's just bad situations and you end up alone. I hope you have someone to talk to professionally, but if you want there's many people here that are willing to listen to you.

Thank you for your kindness.. I spent all of yesterday completing the forms to schedule a diagnosis appointment and a therapist appointment , I'm just trying really hard to not fall into despair

 

[Graveyardly]

Thank you for your kindness.. I spent all of yesterday completing the forms to schedule a diagnosis appointment and a therapist appointment , I'm just trying really hard to not fall into despair

Thanks ! I myself am waiting for papers to clear so I can get admitted to a psych ward for ECT.

The in-between periods are the worst. My method when I'm at my lowest is to not try and resist it, to let it pass if you can, that ends up with me in bed most of the time. But after some time I get bored of digging myself endlessly, there is a bottom, at which point I try and do something to occupy my mind.

If you feel like that method could be dangerous for you if you intent to self harm, you can try and use the energy you have to do something to pass time. Hang on !
And feel free to vent of course, sorry I tend to try and help but if you just want an ear to listen, me and others would gladly. We all share the same pain