In January 2023 I got my Bachelor's degree with very good notes, which I was very proud of. I got accepted to one of Europe's best universities (abroad) for a Master's programme and found a really interesting trainee position in the field I want to have a career in. I also had luck to find a one bedroom appartment in the city. I was very happy.
As I had a stuffy nose for several years with a cyst and a polyp in my sinus, I decided for a septoplasty in March 2023, recommended by ENTs. My father and my brother also had this surgery years ago without complications, so I didn't research much about it. After the surgery, I could only sleep few hours per night bacause of the pain and clogged nose, which I was told is normal. Nevertheless, it got me so stressed that once I didn't sleep for 50 hours. I also started to experience dizziness and fatigue, which I thought was caused by anxiety and the lack of sleep. I got really stressed and went to a psychiatrist as I had mental health problems in the past. Got prescribed sleeping pills and an antidepressant. Despite sleeping better, the fatigue and dizziness continued, followed by tension headaches a few weeks later.
Nevertheless, I started my studies and my new job. I had some better days here and there but in general, I got gradually worse. Everyday activities like doing the laundry felt like running a marathon. I missed most classes and was struggling at work. Doctors didn't take me seriously until I got tested positive for Lyme disease and started antibiotic treatment with a specialist in December. It didn't help, my (meanwhile more than 20) symptoms remained, I got loud tinnitus and tingling in my leg. In February 2024 I decided to take a break and moved back to my parents for 3 months. No improvement, still went back and tried to continue my life abroad. It was hell. Fatigue, headache, diarrhea, nausea, balance issues, visual floaters, POTS with 120+ HR when standing, insomnia, anxiety, constant fight or flight state, joint and muscle pain, neck stiffness. I had no other option than giving up my plans.
I always had an active lifestyle before (studying, working, doing sports, travelling, volunteering at an NGO), now going on a walk or watching a movie is a torture. Tried several painkillers, anti-anxiety meds, four antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, a beta bocker, swimming, cycling, yoga but none of them has an effect. I am suffering. I am super bored but unable to do pretty much anything at the same time. On worse days, I can't really sit upright for more than 30 minutes. My friends and family don't really understand what is happening to me. Some of them think I'm just lazy or depressed, others just forgot about me. We "broke up" with my best friend after a lot of arguments. My father is supportive and paying for my medical expenses, but mother is often directly blaming me for my condition and saying hurtful things. She can't shut up that I should be more physically and socially active as if I haven't tried. I thought about moving to my own place but it is unrealistic that I could support myself in this condition and not get even worse.
I have consistent suicidal ideation for 9 months. At first, I also hoped I would get better but now, I can't anymore. I'm in therapy and read books about living with chronic conditions, but they can't convince me that I can find a "new normal" and it is still possible to manage a "fulfilling life". I also feel that getting sick is my own fault as the surgery last year was not completely necessary, just recommended. Maybe I should have researched about it and just accept that my nose is sometimes stuffy. That was not even a minor inconvinience compared to this. Maybe I should have asked if a surgery without anesthesia is less demanding for the body. Maybe I should have asked for sleeping pills on the first night already so I could recover better. Maybe I should have rested more on the days following the surgery.
I don't care about the pain I would cause to my family with my suicide anymore. I don't want to go to more useless doctors, take stupid pills, try shitty alternative treatments, hear about people my age having fun while vegetating in my room. I have the pills for the amitriptyline method which should be a peaceful way to go, but I still fear that I might regret after taking it, or that I will be in pain in my last hours. I also find the idea of non-existence disturbing. I'm thinking a lot about that if I should get comfortable with it first or just CTB to end this misery. Will see, but it's unlikely that I have more than a few months left. I'm disappointed that my life turned out like this despite my best efforts.
Thank you for reading my story.
As I had a stuffy nose for several years with a cyst and a polyp in my sinus, I decided for a septoplasty in March 2023, recommended by ENTs. My father and my brother also had this surgery years ago without complications, so I didn't research much about it. After the surgery, I could only sleep few hours per night bacause of the pain and clogged nose, which I was told is normal. Nevertheless, it got me so stressed that once I didn't sleep for 50 hours. I also started to experience dizziness and fatigue, which I thought was caused by anxiety and the lack of sleep. I got really stressed and went to a psychiatrist as I had mental health problems in the past. Got prescribed sleeping pills and an antidepressant. Despite sleeping better, the fatigue and dizziness continued, followed by tension headaches a few weeks later.
Nevertheless, I started my studies and my new job. I had some better days here and there but in general, I got gradually worse. Everyday activities like doing the laundry felt like running a marathon. I missed most classes and was struggling at work. Doctors didn't take me seriously until I got tested positive for Lyme disease and started antibiotic treatment with a specialist in December. It didn't help, my (meanwhile more than 20) symptoms remained, I got loud tinnitus and tingling in my leg. In February 2024 I decided to take a break and moved back to my parents for 3 months. No improvement, still went back and tried to continue my life abroad. It was hell. Fatigue, headache, diarrhea, nausea, balance issues, visual floaters, POTS with 120+ HR when standing, insomnia, anxiety, constant fight or flight state, joint and muscle pain, neck stiffness. I had no other option than giving up my plans.
I always had an active lifestyle before (studying, working, doing sports, travelling, volunteering at an NGO), now going on a walk or watching a movie is a torture. Tried several painkillers, anti-anxiety meds, four antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, a beta bocker, swimming, cycling, yoga but none of them has an effect. I am suffering. I am super bored but unable to do pretty much anything at the same time. On worse days, I can't really sit upright for more than 30 minutes. My friends and family don't really understand what is happening to me. Some of them think I'm just lazy or depressed, others just forgot about me. We "broke up" with my best friend after a lot of arguments. My father is supportive and paying for my medical expenses, but mother is often directly blaming me for my condition and saying hurtful things. She can't shut up that I should be more physically and socially active as if I haven't tried. I thought about moving to my own place but it is unrealistic that I could support myself in this condition and not get even worse.
I have consistent suicidal ideation for 9 months. At first, I also hoped I would get better but now, I can't anymore. I'm in therapy and read books about living with chronic conditions, but they can't convince me that I can find a "new normal" and it is still possible to manage a "fulfilling life". I also feel that getting sick is my own fault as the surgery last year was not completely necessary, just recommended. Maybe I should have researched about it and just accept that my nose is sometimes stuffy. That was not even a minor inconvinience compared to this. Maybe I should have asked if a surgery without anesthesia is less demanding for the body. Maybe I should have asked for sleeping pills on the first night already so I could recover better. Maybe I should have rested more on the days following the surgery.
I don't care about the pain I would cause to my family with my suicide anymore. I don't want to go to more useless doctors, take stupid pills, try shitty alternative treatments, hear about people my age having fun while vegetating in my room. I have the pills for the amitriptyline method which should be a peaceful way to go, but I still fear that I might regret after taking it, or that I will be in pain in my last hours. I also find the idea of non-existence disturbing. I'm thinking a lot about that if I should get comfortable with it first or just CTB to end this misery. Will see, but it's unlikely that I have more than a few months left. I'm disappointed that my life turned out like this despite my best efforts.
Thank you for reading my story.
