Venting Im useless and I cant fix myself.

[return-nil]

I'm unable to focus on simple tasks
I'm unable to stick to schedules
Executive dysfunction defines my life
It takes 100% of my effort to perform at the mediocre level I do now. I feel so ragged and burnt out yet I work maybe 10 hours in a good week. I've been practicing software engineering and game development for around 6 years, (hobby for 4 years and professional (in the sense that it's my main source of income) for 2 years now) and my skill level and pace of work is not great. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to sustain myself through freelance work and a monetized project that was only successful by pure dumb luck, but getting a real job from an actual employer doing this thing I love seems like a bigger and bigger pipe dream as I just cant get through interviews. I can solve interview coding problems with a naive solution most of the time but employers don't want obvious solutions they want the clever solutions, and my brain is seemingly incapable of producing these (Whatever algorithms or data structures book you're about to tell me to read, I likely already have). I've managed to get an internship before but I was largely unable to handle the job and workload expected of me, it just seemed insurmountable, too much too fast.

I am attending school to hopefully get me the magic piece of paper that gets me more interviews but It's been a massive money sink as I fail courses 2/3 times and have to re-take them. If I fail calculus 2 again I'll not be able to take it again and my goals of getting a CS degree are dead in the water

I'm so lucky to have parents that are letting me live with them while I'm attending school, but I can tell my poor performance disappoints them.

I feel like I'm not equipped to fulfill society's expectations of me. I am incapable of the work output of a normal person.

I've been on every ADD medication in the book for these problems but none of them really solved my root issues of being unable to focus on tasks.

This career is the only thing I want to do and this outlook not being able to brings me so much pain. I don't want to do anything else. Wage labor is hell and I will never subject myself to retail or food service again, it's not like I was performing well at those jobs either. My income, while supporting me now, is not stable and definitely wont let me retire ever.

My 100% effort maps to most people's 33% effort and I feel so useless.

If I keep going like this, I'm going to be chasing contracts until I die, and as such, I don't want to keep going.

Does anyone else struggle with issues like these? Have you been able to reach competence? If so, how?

 

[Oyoy]

Compared to others ( myself) your very competent.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I have severe ADD and I completely understand your frustration.
I never held a full time job in my life.
Never achieved anything.
Everything was handed to me and I blew it all.

 

[Luchs]

I'm unable to focus on simple tasks
I'm unable to stick to schedules
Executive dysfunction defines my life
It takes 100% of my effort to perform at the mediocre level I do now. I feel so ragged and burnt out yet I work maybe 10 hours in a good week. I've been practicing software engineering and game development for around 6 years, (hobby for 4 years and professional (in the sense that it's my main source of income) for 2 years now) and my skill level and pace of work is not great. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to sustain myself through freelance work and a monetized project that was only successful by pure dumb luck, but getting a real job from an actual employer doing this thing I love seems like a bigger and bigger pipe dream as I just cant get through interviews. I can solve interview coding problems with a naive solution most of the time but employers don't want obvious solutions they want the clever solutions, and my brain is seemingly incapable of producing these (Whatever algorithms or data structures book you're about to tell me to read, I likely already have). I've managed to get an internship before but I was largely unable to handle the job and workload expected of me, it just seemed insurmountable, too much too fast.

I am attending school to hopefully get me the magic piece of paper that gets me more interviews but It's been a massive money sink as I fail courses 2/3 times and have to re-take them. If I fail calculus 2 again I'll not be able to take it again and my goals of getting a CS degree are dead in the water

I'm so lucky to have parents that are letting me live with them while I'm attending school, but I can tell my poor performance disappoints them.

I feel like I'm not equipped to fulfill society's expectations of me. I am incapable of the work output of a normal person.

I've been on every ADD medication in the book for these problems but none of them really solved my root issues of being unable to focus on tasks.

This career is the only thing I want to do and this outlook not being able to brings me so much pain. I don't want to do anything else. Wage labor is hell and I will never subject myself to retail or food service again, it's not like I was performing well at those jobs either. My income, while supporting me now, is not stable and definitely wont let me retire ever.

My 100% effort maps to most people's 33% effort and I feel so useless.

If I keep going like this, I'm going to be chasing contracts until I die, and as such, I don't want to keep going.

Does anyone else struggle with issues like these? Have you been able to reach competence? If so, how?

At least you can code. I understand how you feel, I have almost the exact same problems as you in the sense that I just hopelessly suck at work of any kind and can't get better.

Don't give up, even if it feels like you have hit rock bottom, there is always a deeper hole to fall down, but that means that there is always an opportunity to rise up, even just a little bit.

I know that my answer probably won't help much, but I have the hope that it gives you a little spark of hope. I can't tell you what to do with your life, but I hope you make the choices that are right for you.

I have severe ADD and I completely understand your frustration.
I never held a full time job in my life.
Never achieved anything.
Everything was handed to me and I blew it all.

I've had the perfect start to life. I'm a guy, born to a white middle-class family in a beautiful European country. I had lots of friends, a loving family and I still managed to fuck it all up...