I'm unable to ctb but feel stuck in every aspect of my life I think will help me recover

[MrBlue]

I've recently discovered that my younger brother previously lost a girlfriend to suicide, which sent my plans to jump off a bridge next week to a screeching halt. I can't put him through losing another person he knows through that. But on the flipside, everything I do to try and recover keeps blowing back in my face or coming to nothing. I feel physically ill from how shitty I feel and nothing I do is helping to alleviate it. It's just making it worse.

I graduated uni in July, and still haven't gotten a job. The only interview I did get said I'd be unable to handle their apprenticeship because I wasn't in employment during my uni degree. I don't have any previous work experience because I had a nervous breakdown at 16, and have been slowly (and unsuccessfully) trying pull my life back together from that. I know the longer I don't have any experiene the harder it will be to get an income and independence.

I also haven't had a single friend in over 6 years, and now that I'm out of an environment that encourages forming friendships(school/University) I know that my chances of ever making them are near impossible for someone like me. I know if I don't have even casual friends that forming any more meaninful connection is completely off the table, and probably wrong of me to want. The isolation and lack of any emotional intimacy is killing me.

I feel like I'm in a never ending spiral where my life just keeps getting worse. The longer I live the more I fail to achieve and the further down I fall.

I just really don't know what to do and need any help I can get at this point. I am under NHS support but my care coordinator doesn't give a shit to contact me or arrange therapy/appointments that I give permission for. I know I'm just whining and should just man up and ignore how shitty I feel but that keeps failing because I'm a POS.

Sorry for such a long and rambling post, and if this isn't the correct place for the post. I can delete it if it is.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

you're not whining. venting isn't something you have to apologize for; having emotions is human.

i'm not familiar with the nhs, but is it possible for you to get a different coordinator? it's clear your current one isn't helping you at all.

 

[Brokensaddle]

I just recently found out my care coordinator leaving and I won't be getting a new until probably January or February if I'm lucky. Been 136 and told every member of staff I can't bare living in my abusive household and that eventually I'll end it and they still sent me. You can ask to change your care coordinator and they have too because the care is centred around you. They have to listen to your opinions, they aren't going to like it but you have to go there and make fuss then things will change

 

[EssenceFocus]

I wanted to say the same as Vibritannia, that sometimes we have to whine about something.

" I know I'm just whining and should just man up and ignore how shitty I feel "

It would be unnormal if someone never whines, because then he would suppress his emotions. It's better to express them, because they will come out someday anyway.
It is outdated thinking from former generations, that you should man up. I always see it as positive .
Finding friends is very difficult, even casual friends. For me it's exhausting to maintain casual friends, it feels more like work. Having a real friend is easier, because he stays even if I take more time for myself. But finding a real friend...

I thought so many times over the years, that there should be a meeting portal especially for introverts for every city where you don't have to build a perfect profile and present, how cool and modern your life is. I am not a programmer, but the person who may construct this type this site will be wealthy very quick, I am sure most people on this site and many, many, many more people would join. Me too

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

Hey, perhaps at the moment lookng for work and make new friends is a bit too much for you mentally to cope with, with job hunting it takes a lot of energy out of you, with the constant rejections and when you are not feeling well mentally it's like adding fuel to fire.