Discussion I'm trapped in my own dilemma right now and I honestly don't know what to do.

[safetynet]

So, I guess I'll start off with the basics. I'm trans, 19 (almost 20), all that shit. Because of the crushing dysphoria and body horror I experience daily, most of which won't even go away given the cost of surgeries if they even exist (which, for stuff like shoulders and whatnot, don't), I've come to the conclusion that suicide is just...the easiest route to take as opposed to living. There's nothing really left for me, as if I die nothing would really change, assuming I even care enough to stay to begin with (which I don't, life is suffering)

I just don't know what to do though. I've always been stuck in this recursive nightmarish loop where I want to kill myself but don't. I can't talk to my friends about it for honest advice because they'll just say the bullshit "don't kill yourself" shit even though they know nothing of my situation and likely never will. What the hell do I do?

I guess I'll list out the pros/cons of ending my life.


PROS

• I wouldn't need to invest money in necessary surgeries required for me to inhabit a body that actually belongs to me, slaving away at jobs despite me already running on empty while being unemployed
• I won't make anything of my life. Ending it would be like bailing out of a plane with a parachute knowing it's going to explode and collide with the ground. The talents I have can easily be replicated by someone else, so it's not like I have anything of irreplicable value.
• An end to the general monotony and agony that plagues me for the rest of my 80 years
• Trans people are looked at as scum of the earth by most people. I won't have any rights even if I do somehow solve the issue of personal dysphoria. I will live in a warzone where people would take no issue with my death at the least, viewing it as a positive at the worst, and will essentially just live in a societal prison versus a mental one.

CONS

• My friends, atleast currently (friends come and go) would be saddened and maybe traumatized. I don't wish to enact harm on them.
• My parents, unlike 99% of other parents, actually give a shit about my pain. They want to help, even if they aren't exactly boisterous allies for trans people. They're people that I wouldn't exactly call "the best of the best" but are parents that other trans people would feel grateful to have. I don't want to hurt them, too. If I hurt them it'll not only harm them as their feelings actually matter but it'll also be a slap in the face to people who would consider me rightfully privileged in comparison.
  • They're willing to help me with surgeries (example: FFS), too. Which combined with what I said above is almost too good to even fathom, but yeah.
• I am afraid of death. Very afraid. It gives me panic attacks and episodes of paranoia/psychosis just thinking about it.

There's probably alot more than I wrote down here (both for pros/cons), but I can't think of them right now. However, these are what come to mind even if it may not be everything. I just don't know what to do here because it's like I have no choice but to suffer. Either I suffer while being alive, or suffer while dying, or suffer while trying to choose which one to actually suffer from.

I got a bit personal here but this is like the only board that'll actually listen to my concerns with honest advice. And also won't judge me, of course. Which is also something I appreciate. Many thanks if you're reading this for that.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring feeling trapped in that situation, I certainly think it's true that in this cruel world there is no real relief from suffering and there is just too much pain in existing here. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You're definitely in a bad situation. The world does suck (now) especially for trans folk. It may get better as time goes on. Some of that, I think, depends on where you live, too. I think you need to decide if you can be happy (enough) in an imperfect body, regardless of how many surgeries you have, and if you can carve out for yourself a little niche in this world. Maybe it would help you if you surround yourself with others who are also trans and have gone, or are going through, the same things and having the same feelings as you. Hey, the worst that can happen is that you can always revisit CTB at a later date if things don't become better for you at some point in time. Regardless of how things come out, I hope you can find your peace, either in this world, or or out of it, if it comes to that. Good luck.

 

[safetynet]

You're definitely in a bad situation. The world does suck (now) especially for trans folk. It may get better as time goes on. Some of that, I think, depends on where you live, too. I think you need to decide if you can be happy (enough) in an imperfect body, regardless of how many surgeries you have, and if you can carve out for yourself a little niche in this world. Maybe it would help you if you surround yourself with others who are also trans and have gone, or are going through, the same things and having the same feelings as you. Hey, the worst that can happen is that you can always revisit CTB at a later date if things don't become better for you at some point in time. Regardless of how things come out, I hope you can find your peace, either in this world, or or out of it, if it comes to that. Good luck.

I live in a pretty "safe" area, although it's not an ideal place to live because frankly nowhere is. I've tried to come to terms with my body, and toughening it out as I work for surgery, but I just know it's not going to be something I'll be comfortable doing. The agony of watching other people live a life I can't because I didn't fork enough money to people willing to surgically undo shit I should've never went through is a fate worse than death. I have features that stick out like a sore thumb because they're only a result of male puberty and nothing else. It's like seeing a cockroach in the mirror and expecting to be content with that.

I kinda wish more people would comment on this since it's been so long and I still haven't had a clue as to what to do. I've been researching how to CTB with SN but i'm always scared i'll fuck it up or about what will lie after death. I'm not going to be surprised if there's suffering after life and in a way I know religions are all fictional anyway but it's still just scary. I don't care about sympathy or getting attention but I just wanna know what the hell to do to stop this suffering I feel without grating my soul like cheese just to afford the gift of no longer needing to grate at it.

I won't ever have a college life, even though I'm 19, because all of it will be spent like this. I'm young but I'm so fucking old.

This turned into a vent. Sorry, I don't want to put my feelings into a genuine ask for advise. But please someone just fucking help me it's like walking in the middle of the night in a town I never went to before.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I live in a pretty "safe" area, although it's not an ideal place to live because frankly nowhere is. I've tried to come to terms with my body, and toughening it out as I work for surgery, but I just know it's not going to be something I'll be comfortable doing. The agony of watching other people live a life I can't because I didn't fork enough money to people willing to surgically undo shit I should've never went through is a fate worse than death. I have features that stick out like a sore thumb because they're only a result of male puberty and nothing else. It's like seeing a cockroach in the mirror and expecting to be content with that.

I kinda wish more people would comment on this since it's been so long and I still haven't had a clue as to what to do. I've been researching how to CTB with SN but i'm always scared i'll fuck it up or about what will lie after death. I'm not going to be surprised if there's suffering after life and in a way I know religions are all fictional anyway but it's still just scary. I don't care about sympathy or getting attention but I just wanna know what the hell to do to stop this suffering I feel without grating my soul like cheese just to afford the gift of no longer needing to grate at it.

I won't ever have a college life, even though I'm 19, because all of it will be spent like this. I'm young but I'm so fucking old.

This turned into a vent. Sorry, I don't want to put my feelings into a genuine ask for advise. But please someone just fucking help me it's like walking in the middle of the night in a town I never went to before.

No one here is going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That's not the kind of place this is. Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for you. Also, no one on this planet knows what, if anything, comes after death. No one. I think I can understand how the idealistic side of you will never be completely happy. But, aren't there plenty of examples of "less than idealistic" transfolk living their lives and making the most of what they have, however imperfect their version of their correct gender seems to themselves and society at large? It may not be enough for you, I don't know. Only you will be able to get to that answer. You've got a tough one to deal with. I certainly don't envy you. The only thing I could suggest is *maybe* seek out some kind of counseling to see if you can get to the answers you seek. It may be a total waste of time, too, but you really can't know until you try it. From listening to you, I think you need clarification within yourself about whether you'd be able to accept yourself as "less than the ideal" version of yourself you envision in your head should you decide to pursue gender affirming surgery.

I'm sure others will chime in, particularly other transfolk. Just give it a little time.

 

[safetynet]

No one here is going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That's not the kind of place this is. Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for you. Also, no one on this planet knows what, if anything, comes after death. No one. I think I can understand how the idealistic side of you will never be completely happy. But, aren't there plenty of examples of "less than idealistic" transfolk living their lives and making the most of what they have, however imperfect their version of their correct gender seems to themselves and society at large? It may not be enough for you, I don't know. Only you will be able to get to that answer. You've got a tough one to deal with. I certainly don't envy you. The only thing I could suggest is *maybe* seek out some kind of counseling to see if you can get to the answers you seek. It may be a total waste of time, too, but you really can't know until you try it. From listening to you, I think you need clarification within yourself about whether you'd be able to accept yourself as "less than the ideal" version of yourself you envision in your head should you decide to pursue gender affirming surgery.

I'm sure others will chime in, particularly other transfolk. Just give it a little time.

Yeah I know that nobody's going to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, and I was probably a bit rude. It's just exhausting and frustrating.

I think I'm leaning on the side of CTB though, but it'll definitely be hard as fuck. I suppose everything is at the end of the day though. Really appreciate your words and willingness to help though.

 

[Aisley]

I think you should wait. 19 is so young, you haven't even lived yet. And supportive parents? You got me feeling bad for them. But, be realistic about shit, too. And to that, the lists of body shit women have to look in the mirror and despise daily. Like big shoulders. How many of us get to be Cinderella? Fucking nobody. Most people are ugly, and most of them live with it. I think you should give it a few more years, and I'm kind of saying that for your parents. They sound lovely. And helpless. Best of luck with your decision.

 

[fields.of.lace]

I'm a cis woman, but I have crippling body issues of my own. Cockroach in the mirror sounds about right. I'm just really sorry.

I would also "advise" you to err on the side of living, but honestly I'm twice your age and if I'd have known what the last twenty years would look like I would have definitely done it at 19 like I wanted to. So really I got nothing. I'm sorry you don't feel beautiful, you absolutely deserve to. I don't think I can even address your concerns about your parents, because you seem to understand the gravity of the situation and survivor pain perfectly well. I wish you luck.

 

[Somber]

If your dilemma is to either transition MtF but you are afraid it might turn out unsatisfactory or commit suicide and hurt your loved ones then I'd recommend going through your HRT up until the point things become irreversible and then make your choice based on your ability to see a future.

Once you start your gender therapy there is still plenty of time to think things over, so why not give it a chance?

 

[safetynet]

I think you should wait. 19 is so young, you haven't even lived yet. And supportive parents? You got me feeling bad for them. But, be realistic about shit, too. And to that, the lists of body shit women have to look in the mirror and despise daily. Like big shoulders. How many of us get to be Cinderella? Fucking nobody. Most people are ugly, and most of them live with it. I think you should give it a few more years, and I'm kind of saying that for your parents. They sound lovely. And helpless. Best of luck with your decision.

Yeah I know this and I hate beauty standards and the way they fuck people over. I don't want to be cinderella; but the stuff I see in the mirror is like what cis women feel insecure about only jacked to its absolute maximum. I legitimately cannot find a single redeeming quality about my body, and the sad thing is I'm not even being untruthful because my body objectively does not even look female let alone "beautiful".

My parents are lovely to today's standards (mainly my mom; my dad has been emotionally absent but not abusive), which is actually very sad because the norm for LGBT people is having abusive parents. I can't do anything about it though and I probably sound fucking ridiculous even writing this post because of how good I have it comparatively. I just wish I had abusive parents but traded in my parents for the parents of someone stronger than me because then at least I wouldn't be hurting anyone innocent.

I also wouldn't really consider 19 young, but maybe that's just something we're gonna have to disagree on.

If your dilemma is to either transition MtF but you are afraid it might turn out unsatisfactory or commit suicide and hurt your loved ones then I'd recommend going through your HRT up until the point things become irreversible and then make your choice based on your ability to see a future.

Once you start your gender therapy there is still plenty of time to think things over, so why not give it a chance?

That's the thing. I just can't. Most of the changes won't do anything because my issues are only fixable via surgery given they are related to bone structure itself. I would've had lucky genetics if I was a man, which...should say enough about my situation. I wish I could give it a chance but my mind has completely reached its breaking point and I just can't give anything a chance anymore.

I'm a cis woman, but I have crippling body issues of my own. Cockroach in the mirror sounds about right. I'm just really sorry.

I would also "advise" you to err on the side of living, but honestly I'm twice your age and if I'd have known what the last twenty years would look like I would have definitely done it at 19 like I wanted to. So really I got nothing. I'm sorry you don't feel beautiful, you absolutely deserve to. I don't think I can even address your concerns about your parents, because you seem to understand the gravity of the situation and survivor pain perfectly well. I wish you luck.

I'm so sorry you relate to the same thing I do. It's a horrible thing.

 

[Somber]

Haven't you solved your own dilemma?

It sucks to have to pay for something that you shouldn't have to go through to begin with, but if those surgeries exist, there clearly is a solution to your problem, right?

I can imagine people going to work for less inspiring goals than becoming themselves.

 

[safetynet]

Haven't you solved your own dilemma?

It sucks to have to pay for something that you shouldn't have to go through to begin with, but if those surgeries exist, there clearly is a solution to your problem, right?

I can imagine people going to work for less inspiring goals than becoming themselves.

I guess I sort of have solved it since I made this thread honestly. I just am not convinced enough because even though death is the less of two evils it still is just so scary and shadowy. Not to mention risky and (potentially) painful if I do something wrong.

People going to work for less inspiring goals are able to be themselves though. I'm not, atleast not without actively being politicized and discriminated wherever I go. And the fact that it will take a decade or so to afford the surgeries in this economy is reason enough to assert that it really isn't the same like you say.

I don't want to kinda argue or do anything beyond request advise though. I don't want this to turn into one of those threads. I guess I'll just man it out with the death route and hope my method goes well. Thanks for your advise though, I do really appreciate it.

 

[Aisley]

That's really too bad. I'm sorry you only have the one way out, and I hope you find a method as peaceful as possible.

 

[Somber]

I'm not trying to argue or invalidate your feelings. I'm just trying to understand what you are saying and look for angles that might alleviate your frustrations.

Obviously, this is a suicide forum. If I knew a solution to my own issues I wouldn't be here. Maybe I'm not the most qualified to provide advice.

As for dying, I don't think it's as difficult as it's made out to be. People do it all the time, unintentionally even. The unknown is scary though, but sooner or later we all have to die; a realization that fails to truly ease my fears.