I'm torn between whether wanting to die or not

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I want to recover. My suicidality has decreased since the last few months and I generally feel better now. But I'm also torn in between wanting to die and keep on going because each time I progress in life I seem to regress again. I work hard and then I fail and fail and fail all over again making me question why even bother. I can't bring to go through with commiting suicide because it's too much effort and hard to go through. And I'm also tired and lazy to go through with everything else now. It sucks. This sucks.

 

[TheEndIsNighHonest]

The thing about life is, it's all chapters.

It's almost impossible for an accomplishment to be taken away - so are you really regressing, or just constantly progressing?
I think it's all progression, it builds character and makes you into who you are today - you may not like who you are, even some of the most successful people I know hate themselves and that's unfortunately just a part of our brain chemistry.

You've already acknowledged that you've made progress, which is a lot more than most people can admit - I think, and hopefully I'm right, but your "laziness" to inflict harm on yourself is actually not you wanting to do it at all.

I believe truly that you are stronger than you think, and if you keep pushing you'll reach a chapter that feels more fulfilling, you've got this brother, just keep believing in yourself.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I really try my best to keep the spirit up. But my laziness keeps me often not only from harming myself but also from improving. Or is that just being scared of consequences and being unable to take responsibility? @TheEndIsNighHonest