Venting I'm tired of trying

[thealteredmind]

obvious vent here. I wasn't always suicidal.
Had depression since I was a little kid though, it started when I was... 6 I guess. it was small but it just grew uncontrollably each year.

So I always just... tried harder. that was my motto. just keep working, just keep trying, over and over. just keep at it. try this try that, try everything. of course therapy too.

I always had to... give a lot of mental effort to do simple things you know? like going out with friends or things like that, because my motivation just kept lowering with each year so I had to make more and more effort to just keep up.

And always, in my mind I would be "ok this year sucked but next year is going to be better, we are going to do this and this and that" and of course I always failed. when you are mentally unstable... doesn't matter how hard you try, you won't be able to do not even a 10% of what you want to accomplish. what's the point anyways?

eventually tried medication because I exhausted all options... and well.. that fucked me up SO BAD (pssd + benzo withdrawal that never ends) and I'm talking from very short usage. but still, fucked up beyond belief.

so here I am, 2024. this is the first year where I don't have yearly goals... that's a BIG thing for me. that's a sure sign that this is the end.

but still... my mind is like "ah but we could do this and this" but not things to "recover" because I already doing a couple of those which I already know wont work (but you should read my other post for that) what I mean is... my mind is like

"ah we could like go out at night with friends"
"we could like try to talk to people during the day just to pass time"
"we could go take photos during the day maybe film something"
"we could make a project like a youtube channel where I talk about specific stuff"

and so and so but the thing is... premedication I would have tell you "yeah of course man let's do it" even though it would be EXTREMELY hard.
but now, postmedication... I don't want to try anymore really. going out at night? which I don't enjoy at all... I'm just tired. doing any of those things would require an extreme amount of mental willpower which I don't have anymore. I mean, I would like to... yeah, because my "spirit" which is mostly dead now, still wants to keep trying but the things is... I don't have it in me anymore. this really is the end.

right now I'm doing the least amount of things possible or well... the most I can do with the willpower I have.

I need a small hobby, something I can do but I don't know what!

aaaaaaaaaaaaah

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I need a small hobby, something I can do but I don't know what!

Weirdly enough I bought one of those paint-by-number things on a whim a few weeks ago and found it to be mildly helpful, it gave me something to do that didn't require a lot of concentration, wasn't on a screen, and had no stakes. Didn't end up finishing it but thought I'd at least mention it.

 

[AkaRed]

I've lost more and more energy as years have gone by. Now, I can't even complete basic tasks without spiralling most days.

I just want it to be over, honestly. I don't care for any of this.

<3

 

[thealteredmind]

Weirdly enough I bought one of those paint-by-number things on a whim a few weeks ago and found it to be mildly helpful, it gave me something to do that didn't require a lot of concentration, wasn't on a screen, and had no stakes. Didn't end up finishing it but thought I'd at least mention it.

ah my mother gave me one of those but more complex, a mandala type. painted 2 of them then stopped. boring. haha

 

[hopeless08]

obvious vent here. I wasn't always suicidal.
Had depression since I was a little kid though, it started when I was... 6 I guess. it was small but it just grew uncontrollably each year.

So I always just... tried harder. that was my motto. just keep working, just keep trying, over and over. just keep at it. try this try that, try everything. of course therapy too.

I always had to... give a lot of mental effort to do simple things you know? like going out with friends or things like that, because my motivation just kept lowering with each year so I had to make more and more effort to just keep up.

And always, in my mind I would be "ok this year sucked but next year is going to be better, we are going to do this and this and that" and of course I always failed. when you are mentally unstable... doesn't matter how hard you try, you won't be able to do not even a 10% of what you want to accomplish. what's the point anyways?

eventually tried medication because I exhausted all options... and well.. that fucked me up SO BAD (pssd + benzo withdrawal that never ends) and I'm talking from very short usage. but still, fucked up beyond belief.

so here I am, 2024. this is the first year where I don't have yearly goals... that's a BIG thing for me. that's a sure sign that this is the end.

but still... my mind is like "ah but we could do this and this" but not things to "recover" because I already doing a couple of those which I already know wont work (but you should read my other post for that) what I mean is... my mind is like

"ah we could like go out at night with friends"
"we could like try to talk to people during the day just to pass time"
"we could go take photos during the day maybe film something"
"we could make a project like a youtube channel where I talk about specific stuff"

and so and so but the thing is... premedication I would have tell you "yeah of course man let's do it" even though it would be EXTREMELY hard.
but now, postmedication... I don't want to try anymore really. going out at night? which I don't enjoy at all... I'm just tired. doing any of those things would require an extreme amount of mental willpower which I don't have anymore. I mean, I would like to... yeah, because my "spirit" which is mostly dead now, still wants to keep trying but the things is... I don't have it in me anymore. this really is the end.

right now I'm doing the least amount of things possible or well... the most I can do with the willpower I have.

I need a small hobby, something I can do but I don't know what!

aaaaaaaaaaaaah

Im so sorry I can't imagine what it must be like to like to at 6 years of age, having to struggle with depression. I don't know how old you are now but you basically have suffered your whole life. I really feel bad for you but really admire your courage to try so hard every year, trying your best to be positive despite your struggles. I wish I had something wise to say or give you some advice.
All I can say is that my heart goes out to you and keep venting on here it helps to let things out sometimes

 

[Ironborn]

I've lost more and more energy as years have gone by. Now, I can't even complete basic tasks without spiralling most days.

I just want it to be over, honestly. I don't care for any of this.

<3

Agreed, any drive and motivation has just gone.
I'm just coasting though existence at the moment and its like slowly being suffocated.

 

[Time4Peace]

As soon as I found my method and it's all ready, just in case. I may travel, have some relief, if I will feel safe and not harassed.

 

[Timothy7dff]

Yup...when you put in a great, sustained effort and it leads nowhere it's discouraging. I busted my azz for 5 years dragging my life out of the gutter. It took some Nazi deep state agent a few mouse clicks to delete that. When you exceed your own expectations and wind up older, sicker, and poorer, it's Miller Time. F all the evil people.

 

[thealteredmind]

Im so sorry I can't imagine what it must be like to like to at 6 years of age, having to struggle with depression. I don't know how old you are now but you basically have suffered your whole life. I really feel bad for you but really admire your courage to try so hard every year, trying your best to be positive despite your struggles. I wish I had something wise to say or give you some advice.
All I can say is that my heart goes out to you and keep venting on here it helps to let things out sometimes

with 6 years of age the depression was barely existent, but the seed was there. I just realized very later. I wasn't struggling at that age, but it was obvious on hindsight. my notes started slowly lowering. I started feeling bad, but it was small, I can't really remember. I was a kid so... when you are a kid... at least in my case... there still was A LOT of light.

I'm 31 now.

thanks

Yup...when you put in a great, sustained effort and it leads nowhere it's discouraging. I busted my azz for 5 years dragging my life out of the gutter. It took some Nazi deep state agent a few mouse clicks to delete that. When you exceed your own expectations and wind up older, sicker, and poorer, it's Miller Time. F all the evil people.

its miller time???

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

obvious vent here. I wasn't always suicidal.
Had depression since I was a little kid though, it started when I was... 6 I guess. it was small but it just grew uncontrollably each year.

So I always just... tried harder. that was my motto. just keep working, just keep trying, over and over. just keep at it. try this try that, try everything. of course therapy too.

I always had to... give a lot of mental effort to do simple things you know? like going out with friends or things like that, because my motivation just kept lowering with each year so I had to make more and more effort to just keep up.

And always, in my mind I would be "ok this year sucked but next year is going to be better, we are going to do this and this and that" and of course I always failed. when you are mentally unstable... doesn't matter how hard you try, you won't be able to do not even a 10% of what you want to accomplish. what's the point anyways?

eventually tried medication because I exhausted all options... and well.. that fucked me up SO BAD (pssd + benzo withdrawal that never ends) and I'm talking from very short usage. but still, fucked up beyond belief.

so here I am, 2024. this is the first year where I don't have yearly goals... that's a BIG thing for me. that's a sure sign that this is the end.

but still... my mind is like "ah but we could do this and this" but not things to "recover" because I already doing a couple of those which I already know wont work (but you should read my other post for that) what I mean is... my mind is like

"ah we could like go out at night with friends"
"we could like try to talk to people during the day just to pass time"
"we could go take photos during the day maybe film something"
"we could make a project like a youtube channel where I talk about specific stuff"

and so and so but the thing is... premedication I would have tell you "yeah of course man let's do it" even though it would be EXTREMELY hard.
but now, postmedication... I don't want to try anymore really. going out at night? which I don't enjoy at all... I'm just tired. doing any of those things would require an extreme amount of mental willpower which I don't have anymore. I mean, I would like to... yeah, because my "spirit" which is mostly dead now, still wants to keep trying but the things is... I don't have it in me anymore. this really is the end.

right now I'm doing the least amount of things possible or well... the most I can do with the willpower I have.

I need a small hobby, something I can do but I don't know what!

aaaaaaaaaaaaah

I relate a lot to this, telling myself to keep trying and things will get better. Just to clarify, the benzos and antidepressants killed your motivation?

 

[theboy]

me 2

 

[thealteredmind]

I relate a lot to this, telling myself to keep trying and things will get better. Just to clarify, the benzos and antidepressants killed your motivation?

my motivation was lower each year.
ssri killed the last remnants, they killed my spirit.

benzo just... added more problems. made everything worse.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

my motivation was lower each year.
ssri killed the last remnants, they killed my spirit.

benzo just... added more problems. made everything worse.

I feel my motivation declining each year, too. I just started on SSRIs which I thought might bring back the motivation if maybe my brain chemistry is off and that's why I'm not incredibly driven the way I was before. I've also been using benzos more.

I wonder if it's a response to trying so hard, seeing no worthwhile results, and then giving up. Like burnout that is impossible to recover from.