GalacticWarrior777
"Don't say yes if you can't say no."
- Sep 24, 2024
- 181
The past 10 months were the worst moments in my life. I've been actively suicidal from september to january 2025, not to mention that my life was shitty way before that. Ive had SN, antiemetics, but i threw everything away in february because i thought i've been getting "better". In march i found myself a new friend, i lost contact with most of my friends in the meantime, so she's my closest friend and the only person i really text with. Our friendship grew and got better pretty quickly, she knew from the beginning that my mental health wasn't really too good, but it was going in the right direction. Until I showed her my diary, and she showed her mine. She used to cut herself, as well as got manipulated, abused and betrayed by a lot of her friends back in her teen years. She used to self harm all the way until 2023. I realised that reading her diary wasn't the best thing for me, as i got back to overthinking and being oversupportive, to the point where i tried helping her even when nothing was happening. I also realised that my mental health had been gokng in the wrong direction once again; I have that i treat like my own sister, but it got tiring. overthinking and all of that started to exhaust me, because it would often bring back my memories from the past that i tried leaving behind. i became too dependent on her. i cant live a day without texting her, so when she told me that listening to all of my problems, including me being currently suicidal again and started selfharming was too tiring for her, i broke up into tears, because she said that she's worried that if i dont stop depending on her, our friendship will finally break apart due to her being too exhausted. she specified it as "needing to recharge her social and mental battery". it broke me even more when she told me that our friendship will never be the same as before. she doesnt want to visit me, or me to visit her. she barely even wants to speak to me. i feel horrible for changing her, because she used to have barely anyone to speak with, text with, hangout with, but now shes too tired to do it anymore ONLY because i opened up too much. because i tried putting all of my weight on her. i feel terrible. i promised her a month ago that i'll try to survive all the way to her birthday, which is in the middle of september, but i dont know if i will be able to. i bought sn again. i lied to her that i threw it away. i keep it in a safe place, in case i get overwhelmed. im really tired, so if it will happen, it will be at the most random moment. i broke a friendship again. its all my fault. i always am the one to break friendships, even when im the one trying so hard to keep the friendship together. i failed again. again and again and again. im. so sorrh for changing her. i should just die at this point. it was better for her without me. i always wonder if she will even miss me when im gone. if sje will remember me and for how long. goodmight.
