Venting I'm tired of fighting

[Gaga786]

The only reason why I'm still alive: my family.But it's just so enervating dealing with life and staying content with the notion that all my abusers are thriving, while I deal with their mess. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a product of their abuse. Normally, it's time for my family–my mother in particular– to let go of me. They bring up the fact that they will die without me, and I'll transfer my pain onto them.However, they need to take responsibility for their actions as well for their shitty parenting. I have it much better than others, and I am privileged and pampered–but it doesn't ease my suffering any less.I still feel like a failure. Future looks grim, and I doubt I might be of any use later on.
One of the most earliest memories I have is of my mother feeding my abuser while I glance through the kitchen door wondering whether she loves him more than me. I know that isn't the case, but when I told her about his abuse, she brushed it off telling me to ignore. My father neglected me. School life was a joke as I was dubbed to be the failure of the entire school.

 

[deathLiberation]

Negative self image is strong in you. Been there, still am sometimes.

Do you have the means to take a day off and be alone? You need some distance.

 

[Gaga786]

Negative self image is strong in you. Been there, still am sometimes.

Do you have the means to take a day off and be alone? You need some distance.

Thank you for understanding. I unfortunately don't as i'm at home usually most of the time and heavily monitored by my mother.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so horrible how humans create so much unnecessary suffering in this cruel world, to me it's really understandable feeling so tired of being trapped in that situation, existence really is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I feel this so much. Especially the part about you questioning your mother's love for you. I used to question whether my mother was just 'loving me in her own way'. However, love doesn't leave trauma. Abuse does. And it is soooo very maddening to think about all the people who abused you prospering. It certainly dampens the "what goes around comes around" b.s. Doesn't it? Humans have always been unsavory and mean, but some of us who are endowed with souls try to give them the benefit of the doubt. You seem like you love your family, despite an obvious disconnect with them. I can respect that. I, personally, escaped my family and cut them off permanently. That was my decision, though. Do you think distance from them would improve your situation? You sound like you love them, if they're the reason you're here. I just thought I'd ask, because sometimes family are the main people you have to leave alone to even BEGIN to heal.

 

[Gaga786]

I feel this so much. Especially the part about you questioning your mother's love for you. I used to question whether my mother was just 'loving me in her own way'. However, love doesn't leave trauma. Abuse does. And it is soooo very maddening to think about all the people who abused you prospering. It certainly dampens the "what goes around comes around" b.s. Doesn't it? Humans have always been unsavory and mean, but some of us who are endowed with souls try to give them the benefit of the doubt. You seem like you love your family, despite an obvious disconnect with them. I can respect that. I, personally, escaped my family and cut them off permanently. That was my decision, though. Do you think distance from them would improve your situation? You sound like you love them, if they're the reason you're here. I just thought I'd ask, because sometimes family are the main people you have to leave alone to even BEGIN to heal.

Thank you for your kindness and empathy. I think distance could help in the short term, but it might backfire because I can't take care of myself. I feel so envervated that the simplest tasks become painful. I'm just existing for the sake of it and them, otherwise I would be long gone–which sucks because I'm so privileged and fortunate enough that other people might be praying for the things that I take granted. It's unfortunate that my depression is causing me to lose this battle with life. There is just too much suffering in the world, and I feel as if I would gladly give my life to some poor child on the street or someone else. They may certainly benefit from the things that I am taking for granted.
Im sorry for rambling. I also don't want to make it sound like im boasting about my family, or wealth. It's just the truth that I have to concede that I am privileged enough, but that doesn't help my situation or ease my sufering no matter how many times I reiterate that to myself. Wishing you the best, please take care of yourself

 

[deathLiberation]

Thank you for understanding. I unfortunately don't as i'm at home usually most of the time and heavily monitored by my mother.

To be honest taking the first bus/train in the morning and coming back in the last one at night could be enough to begin with. Go somewhere close but that you have never been before, maybe 1 hour away. Dont make plans, except going and coming back checkpoints, go and just walk slowly.

It´s not just distance from people in your life that you need, its also distance from yourself. Movement brings clarity.

 

[Gaga786]

To be honest taking the first bus/train in the morning and coming back in the last one at night could be enough to begin with. Go somewhere close but that you have never been before, maybe 1 hour away. Dont make plans, except going and coming back checkpoints, go and just walk slowly.

It´s not just distance from people in your life that you need, its also distance from yourself. Movement brings clarity.

Thank you, but I doubt it'll help or be a feasible option–given that I live in a dangerous 3rd world country which hardly has trains and buses as transport. The few that we do have are immensely dangerous as my country is in political turmoil and inflated.