I feel my mind leaving me. I am annoyed and tired.
Where can I find the courage to just do this?
Where can I find the courage to just do this?
Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
I don't think its courage so much as desperation mixed with a firm concrete acceptance of ones true lot in life and being unwilling to go on.
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
Kodama
Experienced
- Oct 11, 2019
- 209
be impulsive, be angry, be near a jumping spot... I'll probably act like that in a near future
My life is completely ruined, but I can't accept my 'true lot'. I don't know why .. well, I do, it's because years of abuse and a horrible living situation destroyed my health and forced me to act in ways that went against my own nature, just to survive. So I feel haunted by the life I never got to live if genuine intervention had just happened when I needed it, and don't feel like CTB is my own choice. It's making it impossible to just let go and attempt, even though I'm just watching my existence literally erode into nothing.
I think a lot of us are forced to act against our natures to survive. From being children without full legal rights to being adults exploited for our labor - and this is not to minimize anything you're talking about, but to say the underpinnings of this are very strong. People being economically and legally disempowered, and encouraged to be complacent as bystanders. I'm so sorry the intervention that you needed didn't happen, and that other people chose not to take responsibility for what they saw happening. What steps of intervention would have helped? If that feels like a relevant question to you.
Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
Hi Hun,
I totally identify with being haunted by the life I didn't get to live if intervention had arrived on time...... I feel the same way. For me its like the rest of my life will be a consolation prize.... But interesting that you feel CTB is not your choice? Is this because you feel forced to leave simply due to your circumstances? I'm a huge proponent of self deliverance as the ultimate expression of control and chioce. But I can see for many that it is an unwelcome option......
Im.watching my life erode into.nothing too.... well written post my friend.....
It's not my choice because I'm effectively dying of severe CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) and trapped with my abusive family. I have no options for anywhere else to go and am effectively unable to care for myself anymore. Since CFS falls into a kind of medical 'grey area' and has no treatment, it can easily be dismissed as psychosomatic; so if I stay at home, I will likely die (in all seriousness) from the severe stress/sleep deprivation etc.; if I tried to go to hospital, I'd get put in a ward, where I'd likely die too due to my extremely frail health, food intolerances etc. (I was in one 2 weeks ago and was lucky to make it out by pretending I was okay).
So suicide seems like my only option at this point, but I keep putting it off and my physical capability to even carry it out is just diminishing. I have no good options, but am unable to let go of the fact that if I could have gotten away from my family years ago, my health would have never reached this point. I don't fundamentally hate myself and don't think life is pointless at all, and I guess I've been through so much profound suffering just trying to survive my home situation, it seems so tragic that there was no payoff in the end and I never got to escape.
I feel like my own family is passive aggressively telling me to kill my self. They are asking yo impossible of me as a disabled person and then making me feel guilty for being a burden. And then use the assertive crap you'd use on a healthy person "wellif you can't do this and you can't pay that that, then what do you plan on doing"
When I respond with "what choices do I have"
They respond with "I'm focusing on my own life". Fully knowing I'll be disabled and on the street in that eventuality.
And then getting accused of being crazy when I say that I don't have many options outside of suicide.
In my situation I feel like the most logical and sane option is suicide. How is being physically and neurally disabled living on the street or in an institution where they give you poison making your life miserable a sane option?
When I respond with "what choices do I have"
They respond with "I'm focusing on my own life". Fully knowing I'll be disabled and on the street in that eventuality.
And then getting accused of being crazy when I say that I don't have many options outside of suicide.
In my situation I feel like the most logical and sane option is suicide. How is being physically and neurally disabled living on the street or in an institution where they give you poison making your life miserable a sane option?
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
I'm 51. My dream was to get married and have a family.
Instead, I was molested by my brother when I was 5 who gave me Herpes. I had an alcoholic abusive father and a mother who supported my brother.
I never had friends. Never went to the prom or had a sweet 16. Never went to a movie with a friend.
Never seriously dated, and when I did, they were losers and I took them because I had nobody else who wanted me.
I don't understand what it is like to do normal things that everyone does and takes for granted.
Now I don't leave my apartment. The only human contact I have is on this forum. It's the first time I have human contact. I basically don't get out of bed.
This isn't life. It's existing.
Instead, I was molested by my brother when I was 5 who gave me Herpes. I had an alcoholic abusive father and a mother who supported my brother.
I never had friends. Never went to the prom or had a sweet 16. Never went to a movie with a friend.
Never seriously dated, and when I did, they were losers and I took them because I had nobody else who wanted me.
I don't understand what it is like to do normal things that everyone does and takes for granted.
Now I don't leave my apartment. The only human contact I have is on this forum. It's the first time I have human contact. I basically don't get out of bed.
This isn't life. It's existing.
I'm sorry. I was abused by my father my whole life. Not like you but in a narcissistic way with insults, mocking, and ridicule. I managed to have a life even though I had extreme anxiety. I allowed my family to take that life away from me as they mocked, ridiculed, and insulted my wife and her family until they couldn't take it any more. I got sick am disabled and am forced to live with my abusive dad. I am 47, have 2 boys who live with their mom and my life is over.
Man, do I relate to this... The people who are supposed to care about you make it SO EASY for you to kill yourself. They turn it around and say, "you're being selfish, you wouldn't do that to your son, would you?" Well, you know what? I think they are truly the ones who lack empathy. They are so involved with their own life they will never know the pain that we feel. This life is absurd.
One of the things that holds me back is I don't want to give these people an excuse to mourn me. Why is it when you die everyone asks, "what could I have done?" You could have held me. You could have tried to see things through my eyes. You could bave dropped that argument and just said, "I love you. You mean something to me." That is what is so hard about letting go. I have a very strong proclivity to love but there's not a reciprocation. All I have is my son and he's young enough that I wouldn't hurt him by leaving. Everyone would tell him stories and inflate me up to be something I never was to any of these people. That seems preferable to showing him who I really am: a shell.
I believe this too. My lot in life is certainly concrete. Desperation hasn't set in just because I'm so damn tired all of the time. As much as I am bitter to people aroubd me, I also don't want to leave them a bloody corpse to find. As much as I would like to sometimes just be like, see? I fucking told you I was this bad. Now, I'm dead. Do not mourn me. No funerals. Fuck you all for nit listening.
Instead... I feel like I just have nothing left. I probably wouldn't even leave a note at this point. I have nothing left to say.
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Could you use any help in finding home-care workers in your area? That could make it posssible to live away from birth-family. Are there disability rights or neurodiversity groups around who might point you to a sympathetic doctor who could help with insurance coverage?
www.aarp.org
Hiring an In-Home Caregiver - Private Home Care
AARP offers advice on how to find and hire the right in-home caregiver, home health aide, nurse or other private home care for your family member.
Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
I feel the same way, I realize ctb has to be for me, because the ones I want to cate wont anyway.
Not only will mine not care, but will use it to get attention and sympathy for himself. Always the fucking victim. I never talk about my life's struggles to my kids and I never will. My job as a parent is to help them navigate through theirs. That's how it works! Not this woe is me bullshit I grew up with. It's narcissistic and abusive. The bible says forgive and honor they mother and father but what if your parents are abusive narcissists who not only couldn't help you through life, but abused you, meddled and messed it up? How can I forgive that when I now have 2 boys that I can't raise?
Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
you gotta get to a point where you know you have no other option. when the pain is too much. might take awhile. if that's the case live life to the best of your ability and help others until you get to that point.
