Venting I'm the kind of tired I can't explain

[Ness]

I hate my body.

Being viewed as a woman, or girl because of how short I am, is frustrating because it puts expectations on me to do things like have kids. I don't want to have kids, I don't want to get pregnant, I don't want to hurt for a week every month because some bullshit need to procreate. If I could get rid of these breasts and uterus, I would. Unfortunately, even just reducing the size of my breast requires me to be a certain weight that I just can't manage to get under. And according to the health professional I saw about it as a teenager, I only had 'til a certain age to get it done for free and well, I've passed that age now.

So yeah, I hate my body. My breasts who are too large, that need bras that cost more and hurts my back no matter what I do, that are always in my way. My uterus who commits suicide on me every month and still keeps on coming back for more even though I don't need it to function like it's supposed to for someone who wants to become a parent, and repeatedly changes when it comes because I'm around so many other people with one that it decides to sync randomly with some passerby from class. My short legs who can't even keep my balance, that trip me over on the flat ground and let me crash onto my shins and knees and then proceeds to bleed everywhere. My eyes who suck at seeing right, forcing me to need to get my eyesight checked for anything official like getting a license or reading from a distance. My hearing which sucks just as much, confusing me on what people said and sometimes leaving me to ask people to repeat themselves several times 'til they just give up on me entirely. My teeth which I'd love to get fixed so long as I don't have to be conscious around a dentist after a childhood of dentists who liked to destroy me emotionally. My chubbiness that makes it impossible to find jeans that'll fit and not cost me both my legs while at it. My back that can barely carry anything anymore, aching with my shoulders if I have to carry my backpack for longer than ten minutes. My brain that'll only retain all the memories that hurt me and none of the important information needed to get through life.

I hate all of it. This entire body that I wish had never existed.

 

[Ness]

Thinking about it, life is just empty and meaningless. What's the point of it all? Why am I even here? Existing like this, is it worth it? Or am I just wasting everything on time and space that does nothing for me? Why should life grant me anything when I'm not even trying, if I spend my days doing nothing so long as I can get away with it. Locking myself in my room and staring at a screen, waiting for someone to give my day a little bit of meaning.

I don't give anything, I don't contribute, I don't want to. I'm nothing, no one. Trying to fill a void that can't be filled with thoughts and words and actions that in the end changes nothing. Fixes nothing. There's no point to any of this.

Why should I keep struggling through this existence if all it does is give me more struggles?

 

[Ness]

I'm so fucking tempted to just end it tonight. I even went to see a lake to check for any possible spots and I found one I can use to my advantage, if I go in the middle of the night. I could drown myself and no one would find me for maybe a month or two.

I even deleted a bunch of accounts. I made sure that I can delete any hints of this site on my computer. All I'd have to do is delete the little rest, get dressed and wander for a little while to the lake and drop down under the small patch that isn't iced over. I can do that, easy. It's so damn tempting because what reason do I really have to stay? None.

 

[Ness]

Hahahaha, I minorly stabbed myself. I'm surprised at my own daring. I have no idea what to do next other than apologize to everyone I've been talking to for existing, for everything. I don't know how to admit what I just did, so I bandaged it tight and now I have no idea what to do next. I'm definitely NOT calling an ambulance, it's not that bad, I think. I just used a scalpel so it's like half a cm to a cm long and maybe 1-2cm deep. No biggie, I hope. Bled a lot though.

 

[Ness]

So yes, I did stab myself. Sorry, that must've been scary to read. I'm okay! Not bleeding anymore and I was talked through treating it. We figured I didn't hit an artery so it should be okay.

 

[jgm63]

Pleased to hear that.
I hope you're not feeling too bad, and that we can somehow help you to feel a bit better....

 

[Ness]

Pleased to hear that.
I hope you're not feeling too bad, and that we can somehow help you to feel a bit better....

Thanks. It kinda pinches a bit but so far so good, though a part of me wishes I did hit an artery so I could die. But it's okay, I'd rather stick to the plan(s). As for making me feel better, well, my anxiety is still kinda sky-high but it'll ease up eventually. I hope. I just worry about hiding it on Monday when I have classes. I'd better go early, to be sure I get there in time. I kinda limp a little because of the slight sensation of pain. I hope that fades by then, because it also slows me down in walking.

 

[jgm63]

Thanks. It kinda pinches a bit but so far so good, though a part of me wishes I did hit an artery so I could die. But it's okay, I'd rather stick to the plan(s). As for making me feel better, well, my anxiety is still kinda sky-high but it'll ease up eventually. I hope. I just worry about hiding it on Monday when I have classes. I'd better go early, to be sure I get there in time. I kinda limp a little because of the slight sensation of pain. I hope that fades by then, because it also slows me down in walking.

Well, we love you and we want you to find fulfilment, so we support you in whatever it takes for that to happen.....

 

[Ness]

Well, we love you and we want you to find fulfilment, so we support you in whatever it takes for that to happen.....

Thank you. <3 I really appreciate that even if I struggle to understand how.

 

[jgm63]

Hi @Ness
Just saying hello and offering you our continued support.
We are with you 100% in whatever you wish to do to find peace....
You deserve it (even if you think you don't, because you're too hard on yourself)
Let us know if we can help you in any way.....



b.t.w. I don't know if you're able to get any pleasure from music, but here are a couple of nice pieces :

Spoiler: KEYSCAPE - Philippe Saisse: Piano Exploration

Spoiler: KEYSCAPE - Jesús Molina: Eldar Tribute

 

[Ness]

Hi @Ness
Just saying hello and offering you our continued support.
We are with you 100% in whatever you wish to do to find peace....
You deserve it (even if you think you don't, because you're too hard on yourself)
Let us know if we can help you in any way.....



b.t.w. I don't know if you're able to get any pleasure from music, but here are a couple of nice pieces :

Spoiler: KEYSCAPE - Philippe Saisse: Piano Exploration

Spoiler: KEYSCAPE - Jesús Molina: Eldar Tribute

Thank you. Kind of struggling to keep myself quiet right now, I'm too tired to argue with people about it being a waste of time to try to convince me to get help and so on. Because it is, and I don't truly deserve anything. At least, this is my belief. I have been trying to cease the "this is wrong/right" state of my mind and only speak of my opinion so that no one can say I'm wrong and so on. They all keep asking me for proof and I am not in the right headspace to try arguing any further.

I'm still just so tired. And the surprise and fear of my little incident as spoken of a little above in the thread is fading, so now I'm stuck with the thought of what if I do it again. Which is kinda hard to shake because it's one more plausible method for me. I can get away with not being seen for days, especially if I time it right...

 

[jgm63]

Thank you. Kind of struggling to keep myself quiet right now, I'm too tired to argue with people about it being a waste of time to try to convince me to get help and so on. Because it is, and I don't truly deserve anything. At least, this is my belief. I have been trying to cease the "this is wrong/right" state of my mind and only speak of my opinion so that no one can say I'm wrong and so on. They all keep asking me for proof and I am not in the right headspace to try arguing any further.

I'm still just so tired. And the surprise and fear of my little incident as spoken of a little above in the thread is fading, so now I'm stuck with the thought of what if I do it again. Which is kinda hard to shake because it's one more plausible method for me. I can get away with not being seen for days, especially if I time it right...

Ok angel, well we're here for you.
But I don't want you to only punish yourself.
You can still be nice to yourself, even if your decision remains to CTB.
I wonder whether you've always been told you don't deserve anything because you are very harsh on yourself.
I want you to please consider something (as a favour to me) :
Being harsh to yourself is just as big a crime as being harsh to others.
You wouldn't allow or excuse yourself to be harsh to others, would you ?
Well then you shouldn't allow yourself to be harsh to yourself.
I know you think you deserve it, but I really think that's a lie, and a very unkind one.

Anyhow, I hope you will listen to the music I sent you.
It is very beautiful music, and I think you should allow yourself to experience some beauty within.
It might even awaken something within you......
If you're going to CTB, you can do it in a more enlightened state if you give yourself permission to experience beauty.

Of course, I'm not forcing anything on to you, and you must do whatever you wish, and we will still support you whether you listen to us or not.....

 

[Ness]

Ok angel, well we're here for you.
But I don't want you to only punish yourself.
You can still be nice to yourself, even if your decision remains to CTB.
I wonder whether you've always been told you don't deserve anything because you are very harsh on yourself.
I want you to please consider something (as a favour to me) :
Being harsh to yourself is just as big a crime as being harsh to others.
You wouldn't allow or excuse yourself to be harsh to others, would you ?
Well then you shouldn't allow yourself to be harsh to yourself.
I know you think you deserve it, but I really think that's a lie, and a very unkind one.

Anyhow, I hope you will listen to the music I sent you.
It is very beautiful music, and I think you should allow yourself to experience some beauty within.
It might even awaken something within you......
If you're going to CTB, you can do it in a more enlightened state if you give yourself permission to experience beauty.

Of course, I'm not forcing anything on to you, and you must do whatever you wish, and we will still support you whether you listen to us or not.....

You are very kind. I just can't seem to find the willpower in me to consider agreeing. Punishing myself is also a habit I can't get out of. Hurting myself, reminding me that I could get away from this with just a choice if only I'd stop wasting my time on doing nothing and waiting for death to claim me on its own. Other people are better than me, they're worth the kindness. Its different.

Thank you for sharing the music with me, I'm very tired and so music doesn't really do much to me anymore, but I always appreciate it anyway. I'm never not listening to music, mainly because I can't stand the absolute silence. I still remember some beauty, but trying to reattain it seems impossible.

 

[jgm63]

You are very kind. I just can't seem to find the willpower in me to consider agreeing. Punishing myself is also a habit I can't get out of. Hurting myself, reminding me that I could get away from this with just a choice if only I'd stop wasting my time on doing nothing and waiting for death to claim me on its own. Other people are better than me, they're worth the kindness. Its different.

Thank you for sharing the music with me, I'm very tired and so music doesn't really do much to me anymore, but I always appreciate it anyway. I'm never not listening to music, mainly because I can't stand the absolute silence. I still remember some beauty, but trying to reattain it seems impossible.

Ok, well it's a shame because what you are doing to yourself is the same as if you had a child and told it that it wasn't good enough, and it wasn't loved...
That would cause anybody to be exhausted.
But anyhow, ultimately you must do as you wish, and we will try to offer support.

 

[Ness]

Ok, well it's a shame because what you are doing to yourself is the same as if you had a child and told it that it wasn't good enough, and it wasn't loved...
That would cause anybody to be exhausted.
But anyhow, ultimately you must do as you wish, and we will try to offer support.

I would never have a child. Ever. I don't want to be a parent. And if I did, which I definitely won't, I wouldn't tell it that. It's not even the same at all. A child hasn't had the time to screw themselves up like I have. I don't know where you got that comparison at all.

 

[jgm63]

I would never have a child. Ever. I don't want to be a parent. And if I did, which I definitely won't, I wouldn't tell it that. It's not even the same at all. A child hasn't had the time to screw themselves up like I have. I don't know where you got that comparison at all.

Well to me it just seems like a similar thing when you are so harsh upon yourself, so I was using that concept to try to allow you to separate from your situation, and see it in another way. However, I can see that you dislike what I have said, so I shall try to refrain from offering any ideas going forward.

 

[Ness]

Well to me it just seems like a similar thing when you are so harsh upon yourself, so I was using that concept to try to allow you to separate from your situation, and see it in another way. However, I can see that you dislike what I have said, so I shall try to refrain from offering any ideas going forward.

Mostly I just hate the concept of someone trying to insinuate that I would/will have a child. I wouldn't, even if I weren't in a shitty place mentally and emotionally. I've never wanted to be a parent and people thinking I should just because I have an uterus or it's the "thing to do" for people really bothers me. Sorry, I might've overreacted. My bad.

 

[jgm63]

Mostly I just hate the concept of someone trying to insinuate that I would/will have a child. I wouldn't, even if I weren't in a shitty place mentally and emotionally. I've never wanted to be a parent and people thinking I should just because I have an uterus or it's the "thing to do" for people really bothers me. Sorry, I might've overreacted. My bad.

Still want you to listen to that music though. First track is very beautiful.

 

[jgm63]

Hi @Ness
Just want you to know that we care about you and fully support you, in whichever way you wish.....

 

[Ness]

Hi @Ness
Just want you to know that we care about you and fully support you, in whichever way you wish.....

Thanks.

 

[Ness]

It's probably my fault. He left after talking to me. It must be because of me and what he was told. I made things worse and then thought he was still there just not really and I can't even reach him and it's probably all my fault. Things usually are, so I wouldn't be surprised. Honestly, I should probably just leave, too. Maybe he'd go back, then. It's a better place with him there, all I do is make people want to leave. I'm obviously the issue here.

Fuck, I hate myself.

 

[jgm63]

It's probably my fault. He left after talking to me. It must be because of me and what he was told. I made things worse and then thought he was still there just not really and I can't even reach him and it's probably all my fault. Things usually are, so I wouldn't be surprised. Honestly, I should probably just leave, too. Maybe he'd go back, then. It's a better place with him there, all I do is make people want to leave. I'm obviously the issue here.

Fuck, I hate myself.

Hi @Ness
Although I don't know the details, all sorts of things happen in life, and they happen in different ways to everyone.
I don't think you should be blaming everything that happens on yourself.
Some people are just not compatible in certain ways with other people due to different energetic states / states of consciousness.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
We love you.
Maybe eventually you could love you if you gave yourself a chance.

But either way, we support you in whatever you wish....

 

[Ness]

Hi @Ness
Although I don't know the details, all sorts of things happen in life, and they happen in different ways to everyone.
I don't think you should be blaming everything that happens on yourself.
Some people are just not compatible in certain ways with other people due to different energetic states / states of consciousness.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
We love you.
Maybe eventually you could love you if you gave yourself a chance.

But either way, we support you in whatever you wish....

I really appreciate you caring enough to read and respond, honest, but I know what happened and I know I'm not too hard on myself. I also know I will never love myself, ever, because I know myself much too well to ever manage that. Maybe if I was blissfully ignorant of what kind of person I am, I could do it, but I'm not. So it's not going to happen.

Everyone's just going to have to accept that I know best the situation I'm in without me having to defend and/or explain it to their satisfaction. Because I'm too damn tired to even try without breaking myself apart even more as I realize just how fucked I am.

 

[jgm63]

I really appreciate you caring enough to read and respond, honest, but I know what happened and I know I'm not too hard on myself. I also know I will never love myself, ever, because I know myself much too well to ever manage that. Maybe if I was blissfully ignorant of what kind of person I am, I could do it, but I'm not. So it's not going to happen.

Everyone's just going to have to accept that I know best the situation I'm in without me having to defend and/or explain it to their satisfaction. Because I'm too damn tired to even try without breaking myself apart even more as I realize just how fucked I am.

I understand.
Well, we still love you anyway.
I also believe that God loves you, whether you like it or not.... ( note : I believe in God, although I'm not Christian ).
Although I realise you may be very displeased to hear that.
I still believe that you are too hard on yourself, however that is only my personal belief, and I'm not asking you to agree.
I understand that at present you have an unshakeable belief that it is correct to be hard on yourself.

 

[Ness]

I understand.
Well, we still love you anyway.
I also believe that God loves you, whether you like it or not.... ( note : I believe in God, although I'm not Christian ).
Although I realise you may be very displeased to hear that.
I still believe that you are too hard on yourself, however that is only my personal belief, and I'm not asking you to agree.
I understand that at present you have an unshakeable belief that it is correct to be hard on yourself.

Well, you're entitled to your own opinion even if I don't agree at all. As a note, I don't believe in God or anything that implies anything after life. And I hope that this doesn't turn my vent thread into a discussion of religion or the likes because I'd like to keep my vent thread as, well, my vent thread.

 

[jgm63]

Well, you're entitled to your own opinion even if I don't agree at all. As a note, I don't believe in God or anything that implies anything after life. And I hope that this doesn't turn my vent thread into a discussion of religion or the likes because I'd like to keep my vent thread as, well, my vent thread.

Sure, I wasn't intending to derail your thread and had no intention of repeating the same thing over.
I wasn't expecting you to like what I had to say, but I wanted to say it anyhow, because I believe it to be true.
Please continue to vent as much as you wish.
Note : If you prefer me not to post any further on this thread, then just let me know, since I don't want to be a nuisance / unwanted poster.... On the other hand, if you're happy for me to post then I'm happy to do so (either way is fine with me).

 

[Ness]

Sure, I wasn't intending to derail your thread and had no intention of repeating the same thing over.
I wasn't expecting you to like what I had to say, but I wanted to say it anyhow, because I believe it to be true.
Please continue to vent as much as you wish.
Note : If you prefer me not to post any further on this thread, then just let me know, since I don't want to be a nuisance / unwanted poster.... On the other hand, if you're happy for me to post then I'm happy to do so (either way is fine with me).

I don't want to be rude and deny you, so I won't say you can't, but it'd be nice to not have people push the topic of recovery on me (especially since this wasn't even posted in recovery and I have no intention of recovering). I just really only want people to read and understand that I'm struggling without telling me how they think I should fix it, or how they believe my life is.

 

[jgm63]

I don't want to be rude and deny you, so I won't say you can't, but it'd be nice to not have people push the topic of recovery on me (especially since this wasn't even posted in recovery and I have no intention of recovering). I just really only want people to read and understand that I'm struggling without telling me how they think I should fix it, or how they believe my life is.

ok, that's fine, guess I'll refrain from posting....

 

[faust]

This is so horrible, that you are experiencing such a thing in your life. I can feel your pain with everything you write. It is a burden that definitely hard to live with and I wish you find peace no matter what your decision will be: to live or to die. If you feel that you need us and our support, you can always tell us what is torturing you! We are always told to be strong and judged if we don't meet their expectations. We don't have to be those who we don't want to be and we don't have to pretend. It is normal to be childfree because it is only up to you what to do with your body. And those who tell you that you are doing wrong saying no to children, is just because their existence is full of stereotypes. But you know why you are different? Because you are free of them, you can make your own decisions and they do not know what it feels like. It also makes sense that you spend some time listening to music. Are there any activities for you which do not cause much distress?
Send you all the love

 

[jgm63]

This is so horrible, that you are experiencing such a thing in your life. I can feel your pain with everything you write. It is a burden that definitely hard to live with and I wish you find peace no matter what your decision will be: to live or to die. If you feel that you need us and our support, you can always tell us what is torturing you! We are always told to be strong and judged if we don't meet their expectations. We don't have to be those who we don't want to be and we don't have to pretend. It is normal to be childfree because it is only up to you what to do with your body. And those who tell you that you are doing wrong saying no to children, is just because their existence is full of stereotypes. But you know why you are different? Because you are free of them, you can make your own decisions and they do not know what it feels like. It also makes sense that you spend some time listening to music. Are there any activities for you which do not cause much distress?
Send you all the love

Just so you know, she doesn't wish to be helped or encouraged, she just wants to use this thread to be able to vent. If you read the past couple of pages you will get the idea....