Venting I'm the kind of tired I can't explain

[Ness]

Hi. I want to let you know that I've read everything in here and that I appreciate your sharing. I'm also from Norway. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Being tired of trying. Of having to try.

Smaller towns in a nutshell. I hope it all works out fairly and justly.

Thank you, I appreciate that even if I'm sad that people are also suffering the same way...

Yeah? I was born up North so it's a Northern small town I'm talking about, they're very... Well, you get it.

 

[Ness]

Why do people insist on constantly deciding that they know my opinions better than I? Or that when I say specific things, I am lying simply because it's not the same as their opinion? Why can't they just take my word for it for once in their fucking life? They say they care about my opinion, but I am calling bullshit on that. The liar here is they, who refuse to even consider my thoughts and repeatedly insist on telling me I'm wrong.

I get that you know yourself best, I really do, but that doesn't make the you that I know any less part of you. Which means that I see a part of you that you're clearly unwilling to think about. But it's still real, isn't it? Because if you're actually faking it like you say you are then that means you're faking caring about me. It means you're faking the kindness you've shown me. Which I guess must be the truth since you keep calling me a liar without outright saying it, so fine, maybe I should just shut up and leave you alone. That's clearly what you want, so I won't make you put up with me anymore.

 

[Ness]

I moved into the new student housing place and apparently the guy I share the kitchen and bathroom with doesn't believe in cleanliness. Am I lucky that he's still on vacation or nah? Because he really shoulda cleaned better before he left. As it is, I sent a complaint to the owners who ordered a cleaning for the kitchen and bathroom and replacement furniture for the broken stuff in the room just for me. They should not have approved this place for living in but somehow they did, and I feel a little screwed over but I don't want to have to move again, especially not given since I unpacked most of my stuff before I realized all the problems.

I think there's a water leak in the roof over the kitchen lmao. And the bathroom sink is fucked so they have to fix that on Monday. There are a lot of faults for this place, seriously. I hope my new roomie isn't an asshole and agrees to keep things clean and tidy after himself. Or that he moves out. I won't say I'm not picky but yeah.

As it is, I'm exhausted from all this activity. I passed out at 5pm and spent 10 hours outright unconscious. It was not fun to wake up. 2020 is still not off to a great start.

 

[Ness]

I've been trying to get my days to work so I can be prepared for Uni tomorrow and today is not going well. I had another one of those "pass out way too early and wake up when it's time to sleep" nights. I accidentally dropped my food on my bed and it stained very badly, wasting my food and time to scrub it out. I figured out that student housings has ruined showers for me as I, without even noticing, somehow spent less than 10 minutes in there and thus couldn't check how long the hot water lasts like I wanted to. My supposed discord friends keep saying I'm wrong when I tell them they're nice even though it's my opinion, thus calling me a liar.

And I've realized that I'm way too attached to a very specific server, which I need to stop being. Somehow I've got to pull away more before they notice just how much of my life I put into them. This is really going to suck, I don't have much else to do with my days outside of school (which, lets be fair, I don't prioritize anyway).

I think I'm just gonna pick a date and ctb. 2nd of February for the funsies of the 02.02.2020 date? Or the end of August, so I'll have had a 1 year anniversary on this site and hit my 27th birthday? February would be sooner and I wouldn't have to stress about summer... I'll start the countdown 'til February 2nd and see where it leads me closer to the date.

 

[Ness]

I can't stand people talking about their pets. Both the "oh look how cute" and the "ugh they're a pain" talks. I hate having to read any of it and I wish I could just not have to see it. Because I'm so fucking jealous and it really pisses me off when people complain about their pets. I would take every single moment of "suffering" if I could have my cat back. If I could spend one more day with him, just petting him whenever he showed up for attention. Feeding him whatever he wanted. Playing with him.

I'm so angry that people who still have their pets complain so much about them even though I know it's fully reasonable. Even though I used to do it too sometimes. Though, at least I did it with a smile. Because I've always fucking loved each and every one of my pets and I miss all of them that are gone. And soon my dog'll be too old and he'll leave us too. And I can't stand watching people complain about their pets when they still have them.

And it makes me cry to think about all the ones I've had to lose. Outlasting them is Hell.

 

[Ness]

I'm so exhausted I've both cried and nearly cried several times this week and it's only Tuesday. I don't want these nightmares, I don't want this ache, I don't want to wake up. I don't want the drama or the nagging or people constantly refusing to even pretend to listen despite the hypocrisy. I'm tired of it all and I just want it to stop. Or rather, for life to. My existence.

I genuinely wish I could snap my fingers and cease to exist. I may not be the best at it but I do know how to. So it'd work, which is what I'd be aiming for. This world would be so much better off without me in it to drag people down with me.

I'm self-harming more than once a day, now, all in order to make it soothe the rest of my suffering to a lull where I don't have to think about it right here and now. It's funny, people say not to do that and they know I've done it... But none of them bring the topic up again. Isn't that just as good as permission? They only care so long as they know. If I don't say it, it's not their problem. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

[Ness]

I feel so dumb for not being able to fix this stupid sleep schedule. On Friday I passed out during afternoon and woke up late night and it's kept up in that vein except that instead of the 10 hours it first took from me, it's now about 5 or so, leaving me to pass out in the afternoon and wake up in the evening. Seriously? I need to be able to sleep during the night because Uni in the morning will mentally destroy me if this keeps up. Well, more destroyed than I already am.

The worst part is that I still have the nightmares and now they just drag me through a string of them every time. And I'm still just as tired waking up as I am passing out. Am I really getting the rest my body has decided to take or is it just screwing me over further?

And talking about screwing, well, that's what my nightmares have decided to center themselves on the last two nights. Rape, to be more specific, but even just sex bothers me a whole damn lot given that I'm about 95% sure that I am asexual. So that's absolutely "fun" to wake up from.

 

[Ness]

I really need to cease to exist. Like, since a decade ago. Just poof me outta this whole universe and straight into the nothing, erase me.

All of today I've been staring at things and thinking dark thoughts. See a poster of a hand holding a phone? Imagine that wrist with bloody cuts. Watch a train approach? Think about how easy it'd be to just jump down onto the rails. And so on, all I've been thinking about is how much better it'd be if I could just die. And the thoughts keep itching at me, telling me to just lock my door and ctb. Get it over with, stop worrying about the people left behind. They'll suffer, yes, but better now than later for the younger ones. Better for it to happen and be over with.

I'm so fucking tempted to just go through with any one of my ctb plans that I can't even talk to my discord friends in fear that they'll realize and spam me with pro-life messages.

 

[jgm63]

Not sure if I can help, but I am reading some of your posts.....

 

[Ness]

Not sure if I can help, but I am reading some of your posts.....

Thank you for caring.

 

[Ness]

I woke up in the middle of the fucking night again, even though I fell asleep in the late evening. Why can't I just sleep 'til morning at least? Even if I go back to my old sleep routine of going to bed late, waking up every 1-3 hours after a nightmare and waking properly up when the alarm rings. It's better than whatever shit this is. I feel so off and tired and in pain that even though I got fully ready and could walk out the door right now and still make it to class, I asked for someone from class to hit me up with a summary or something, notes maybe.

I could go, I should go. This is nothing, I need to be used to this already and just go. This shouldn't stop me from going, I did all the things precisely so I could go. Why do I let myself decide not to, what kind of a hopeless fool am I? It's no surprise I never get anywhere in life when I constantly let my mind do this to me. I'm so fucking useless.

I should go but I just can't bring myself to.

 

[jgm63]

I woke up in the middle of the fucking night again, even though I fell asleep in the late evening. Why can't I just sleep 'til morning at least? Even if I go back to my old sleep routine of going to bed late, waking up every 1-3 hours after a nightmare and waking properly up when the alarm rings. It's better than whatever shit this is. I feel so off and tired and in pain that even though I got fully ready and could walk out the door right now and still make it to class, I asked for someone from class to hit me up with a summary or something, notes maybe.

I could go, I should go. This is nothing, I need to be used to this already and just go. This shouldn't stop me from going, I did all the things precisely so I could go. Why do I let myself decide not to, what kind of a hopeless fool am I? It's no surprise I never get anywhere in life when I constantly let my mind do this to me. I'm so fucking useless.

I should go but I just can't bring myself to.

Maybe there's a fear barrier.
Maybe if you just DO go, you might break through it.

 

[Ness]

Maybe there's a fear barrier.
Maybe if you just DO go, you might break through it.

Some days I can go through the motions but today I just can't. My body is rebelling just thinking about it. I could still make it, I know, except I feel like it's too late because I already told people that'll be there that I can't. I didn't say why, because I don't want any of them to know how shit my life really is, but I said I can't and even though I know I could just say it worked out after all, I just don't feel like my contribution would be worth it. I know what the plan for the class is, I could technically do it on my own.

 

[jgm63]

ok, well then for this particular case, perhaps you are just intelligently conserving energy, and that's no bad thing.....
In fact, it's a critical life skill...

 

[Ness]

ok, well then for this particular case, perhaps you are just intelligently conserving energy, and that's no bad thing.....
In fact, it's a critical life skill...

Maybe! Thanks for that idea, though not sure why I'd need this critical life skill. Maybe my body hasn't caught up with the plans in my head, haha...

 

[jgm63]

Some actions come from a deeper spiritual intelligence (your "being").
So perhaps your being knows that energy and time are limited, and to use them wisely....

Your human mind is nowhere near as intelligent as your being.....

 

[Ness]

Some actions come from a deeper spiritual intelligence (your "being").
So perhaps your being knows that energy and time are limited, and to use them wisely....

Your human mind is nowhere near as intelligent as your being.....

Didn't really think about that, interesting point of view, you might be right. I guess I'll see how today goes.

 

[LostMyWay]

I'm so tired. I know it's 3 am and that it's late and that I should sleep but that's not the kind of tired that's chewing at me. I'm just tired. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings but I don't want to sleep either because sleeping means no control and what I wouldn't give for dreamless sleep and better days. For not being so tired and unfocused and sad. It's not easy to motivate myself to get up and get moving, to go to lectures even if I won't pay attention because at least I can record them and try again later then. Getting up to eat and hydrate is such a pain too but at least that's less of a walk.

And I shouldn't even complain because there's not really anything wrong other than just tiredness. But I'm tired of not getting to say it, of no one listening because I'm worried that they'll think - I don't know. Something negative. I'm unfortunately a people-pleaser, can't help but shut up and keep it in.

Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is right? That there's no point in even trying because it's not working, you're not getting anywhere. I get that all the time. When I'm coming home and sitting down to unpack my laptop. When I see people chat about their day and complaining about things I'd consider blessings like having their cat on their lap. Yeah, sure, it's hard to want to move even if you have to in cases like that but my cat is dead and if he'd been alive and on my lap I wouldn't have cared that I needed to go, I'd stay put for a while and pet him and let him know I love him because fuck, I miss him so much that every single time I think about him I just remember carrying his body to the car so we could take him home and bury him and it hurts.

Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. I've got aches and itching and exhaustion all screaming at me to just get it over with because anything has got to be better than this. Better than spending hours upon hours hurting at losses of those important to me, of remembering that one person who tried to deny me going to see my uncle before he died because apparently you're only allowed to mourn and leave to say goodbye when they're already dead. They don't matter before that and they don't matter unless they're your parents, siblings or children. It's like he couldn't comprehend that I actually gave a shit about my uncle and wanted to see him before he passed so he could die knowing I cared enough to come.

And fuck if that didn't remind me about my grandmum who also passed away from cancer only 5 years before and while I got to see her one more time before she died she wasn't capable of talking or anything and I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me. Or when I told them that I loved them.

I'm almost hoping for an afterlife after I ctb if only to tell them I love them. Even though I just want to stop existing.

I can relate, you always hear these old saying to never give up and keep pushing, but after a while you really do just burn out. With every push that fails, any chance of me succeeding seems to grow smaller and smaller. At some point I completely give up hope and stop trying, and the worse part is everyone notices it from my demeanor to the tone of my voice. I can see the dissapointment in their faces, and this only makes me feel more guilty, resulting in a very destructive cycle. If I wasn't so afraid of screwing up my ctb or leaving loved ones with the pain of losing me, I wouldn't be here right now.

 

[Ness]

I can relate, you always hear these old saying to never give up and keep pushing, but after a while you really do just burn out. With every push that fails, any chance of me succeeding seems to grow smaller and smaller. At some point I completely give up hope and stop trying, and the worse part is everyone notices it from my demeanor to the tone of my voice. I can see the dissapointment in their faces, and this only makes me feel more guilty, resulting in a very destructive cycle. If I wasn't so afraid of screwing up my ctb or leaving loved ones with the pain of losing me, I wouldn't be here right now.

I really feel you there, it's tiring to keep pushing on. I keep doing worse at it every time I try. It's so frustrating to keep putting one foot in front of the other because it's what everyone around you expects of you, and they'll disapprove if you don't. They won't let you stop or pause or even just take a second to just breathe without saying "how do you think this will look on your resume?". I've taken time off between schooling because I needed it and every time I've been forced to do internships or go to job hunting courses every single day during the "breaks". Even while other people had summer holidays or the like. If it wasn't a red day, it was a course/internship day.

 

[jgm63]

I really feel you there, it's tiring to keep pushing on. I keep doing worse at it every time I try. It's so frustrating to keep putting one foot in front of the other because it's what everyone around you expects of you, and they'll disapprove if you don't. They won't let you stop or pause or even just take a second to just breathe without saying "how do you think this will look on your resume?". I've taken time off between schooling because I needed it and every time I've been forced to do internships or go to job hunting courses every single day during the "breaks". Even while other people had summer holidays or the like. If it wasn't a red day, it was a course/internship day.

Maybe you just need a break / time out.
Could you not sit down with family and explain your state of mind, and that you need to take a year out to regroup ?

 

[Ness]

Maybe you just need a break / time out.
Could you not sit down with family and explain your state of mind, and that you need to take a year out to regroup ?

Oh, I've tried, but they can't afford for me to live with them for free and I don't have a job anymore either. I could go on social help again but they're the ones that refuse to let me sit at home and push me to go out and look for work. And I can't take another year at my parents, anyway, because they're alcoholics and every time other people who drink (honestly all their friends are alcoholics even more so) there's a major fight (sometimes physical) which is heard throughout the entire house. I get very anxious around drunks, more so when I know how they are while drunk.

 

[jgm63]

ok, but maybe you could just take a mid-level job or something that is not overly demanding (but not too easy either since you might as well make use of your intelligence), and put studies on hold, and rent somewhere. That might end up being hugely theraputic for you.

And you might stay and work your way up, or switch to another job, etc, and end up doing better than people who complete their studies.....

Perhaps your studies are in fact killing you ?

 

[Ness]

ok, but maybe you could just take a mid-level job or something that is not overly demanding (but not too easy either since you might as well make use of your intelligence), and put studies on hold, and rent somewhere. That might end up being hugely theraputic for you.

And you might stay and work your way up, or switch to another job, etc, and end up doing better than people who complete their studies.....

Perhaps your studies are in fact killing you ?

The job I had was that kind of job. And given everything I've done and said to get this specific schooling, I know I can't just quit the schooling itself. But thanks for the suggestion.

It's not "just" my studies if that's the case, though.

 

[jgm63]

The job I had was that kind of job. And given everything I've done and said to get this specific schooling, I know I can't just quit the schooling itself. But thanks for the suggestion.

It's not "just" my studies if that's the case, though.

ok, fair enough.....

 

[Ness]

I passed both the subjects I thought for sure I'd fail. Just barely, but I did. Except I don't even feel relieved or happy about it. I just don't care? It's like it doesn't even matter anymore, it's not going to get me anywhere in the end anyway. They're just two subjects, I'll probably still fail the degree itself if I stay alive long enough to get that far. This isn't the first degree I've tried, I know full well how this is going to end if I happen to let it.

...Oh, I guess I just figured out why I don't feel happy about it.

I'm still tempted to just go for it on 2nd of February.

 

[Ness]

I've talked about it before but I have this one person in my online life who keeps telling me to get therapy. It's a valid thing to say, of course, and I absolutely get it. But I've been looking and reading and trying to figure out if it's even worth it and I even thought I'd start a thread up so I could get help getting through the entire experience of finding, booking, and having a session. Except now I've decided I'm not going to start that thread.

See, I've read a lot about it and I've figured out how the good and bad sessions go, what kind of therapist I should be searching for and that kind of thing. Unfortunately, I am poor and can only choose the one I'd get to see for free as a student (provided I book in advance, explain why I want to see them and actually go to the session - should I book and not go, I'd have to pay for it). So I'm stuck trying to figure out how to put in a small explanation of all my issues so they know what I want to talk about. I thought about asking for help but no one but me can really answer that question, so it'd be pretty dumb to bother with a thread asking for help on something no one can actually help me with.

At least I figured out that much before I hit the post button, lmao. It took writing out the post to get it.

And it's not like I'd be able to sit down and talk to this person about anything, I wouldn't trust them. I'd be stuck trying to decide what I'd be willing to give up on hiding, which part of my life I'd be able to actually share. And I wouldn't know that until I met the person, leaving me with no explanation for booking the session. So I'm sitting here, thinking. Would there be a point in walking to the closest search and talking to a priest? I don't believe, so why would they bother with me?

Then I get to thinking, well, there's a lake within walking distance. Why not do like I've been aiming for and go drown myself tonight.

 

[jgm63]

I've talked about it before but I have this one person in my online life who keeps telling me to get therapy. It's a valid thing to say, of course, and I absolutely get it. But I've been looking and reading and trying to figure out if it's even worth it and I even thought I'd start a thread up so I could get help getting through the entire experience of finding, booking, and having a session. Except now I've decided I'm not going to start that thread.

See, I've read a lot about it and I've figured out how the good and bad sessions go, what kind of therapist I should be searching for and that kind of thing. Unfortunately, I am poor and can only choose the one I'd get to see for free as a student (provided I book in advance, explain why I want to see them and actually go to the session - should I book and not go, I'd have to pay for it). So I'm stuck trying to figure out how to put in a small explanation of all my issues so they know what I want to talk about. I thought about asking for help but no one but me can really answer that question, so it'd be pretty dumb to bother with a thread asking for help on something no one can actually help me with.

At least I figured out that much before I hit the post button, lmao. It took writing out the post to get it.

And it's not like I'd be able to sit down and talk to this person about anything, I wouldn't trust them. I'd be stuck trying to decide what I'd be willing to give up on hiding, which part of my life I'd be able to actually share. And I wouldn't know that until I met the person, leaving me with no explanation for booking the session. So I'm sitting here, thinking. Would there be a point in walking to the closest search and talking to a priest? I don't believe, so why would they bother with me?

Then I get to thinking, well, there's a lake within walking distance. Why not do like I've been aiming for and go drown myself tonight.

Well I hope you can find the peace you're seeking, however you might manage that.
But if you did decide to CTB, could you not at least try to use a more peaceful method ?

 

[Ness]

Well I hope you can find the peace you're seeking, however you might manage that.
But if you did decide to CTB, could you not at least try to use a more peaceful method ?

Thanks for caring. As for method, I have more than one plan. And all of them were chosen for several reasons. What I do eventually go with will depend on the factors surrounding my situation at the time I go. Specifically things like if my self-harm is very visible, the time of day, who is around in the building I currently live in... And so on. Peaceful is of course something I'd appreciate, but I'm fine dying in a not so peaceful way so long as it kills me. I won't be picky if it will do the job.

 

[Mr2005]

I'm so tired. I know it's 3 am and that it's late and that I should sleep but that's not the kind of tired that's chewing at me. I'm just tired. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings but I don't want to sleep either because sleeping means no control and what I wouldn't give for dreamless sleep and better days. For not being so tired and unfocused and sad. It's not easy to motivate myself to get up and get moving, to go to lectures even if I won't pay attention because at least I can record them and try again later then. Getting up to eat and hydrate is such a pain too but at least that's less of a walk.

And I shouldn't even complain because there's not really anything wrong other than just tiredness. But I'm tired of not getting to say it, of no one listening because I'm worried that they'll think - I don't know. Something negative. I'm unfortunately a people-pleaser, can't help but shut up and keep it in.

Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is right? That there's no point in even trying because it's not working, you're not getting anywhere. I get that all the time. When I'm coming home and sitting down to unpack my laptop. When I see people chat about their day and complaining about things I'd consider blessings like having their cat on their lap. Yeah, sure, it's hard to want to move even if you have to in cases like that but my cat is dead and if he'd been alive and on my lap I wouldn't have cared that I needed to go, I'd stay put for a while and pet him and let him know I love him because fuck, I miss him so much that every single time I think about him I just remember carrying his body to the car so we could take him home and bury him and it hurts.

Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. I've got aches and itching and exhaustion all screaming at me to just get it over with because anything has got to be better than this. Better than spending hours upon hours hurting at losses of those important to me, of remembering that one person who tried to deny me going to see my uncle before he died because apparently you're only allowed to mourn and leave to say goodbye when they're already dead. They don't matter before that and they don't matter unless they're your parents, siblings or children. It's like he couldn't comprehend that I actually gave a shit about my uncle and wanted to see him before he passed so he could die knowing I cared enough to come.

And fuck if that didn't remind me about my grandmum who also passed away from cancer only 5 years before and while I got to see her one more time before she died she wasn't capable of talking or anything and I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me. Or when I told them that I loved them.

I'm almost hoping for an afterlife after I ctb if only to tell them I love them. Even though I just want to stop existing.

You did a pretty good job trying, I've never written anything that lengthy here. It's one thing understanding things it's another making others understand. It's frustrating because I'd definitely have a book in me otherwise. Just leave my brain, let them study it and they can do the translating

 

[Ness]

You did a pretty good job trying, I've never written anything that lengthy here. It's one thing understanding things it's another making others understand. It's frustrating because I'd definitely have a book in me otherwise. Just leave my brain, let them study it and they can do the translating

Oh, thank you. I've... Written lengthy vents before but never posted any 'til I joined this site. Well, in all honesty, they were suicide notes as I wrote them but turned into vents. So I'm kind of used to rambling on about my shitty life. It just doesn't really hang together as well as I'd like.

Letting people read my vents still makes me very nervous, but I know you all will understand better than anyone else could.