Venting I'm the kind of tired I can't explain

[Sweet emotion]

I'm so tired. I know it's 3 am and that it's late and that I should sleep but that's not the kind of tired that's chewing at me. I'm just tired. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings but I don't want to sleep either because sleeping means no control and what I wouldn't give for dreamless sleep and better days. For not being so tired and unfocused and sad. It's not easy to motivate myself to get up and get moving, to go to lectures even if I won't pay attention because at least I can record them and try again later then. Getting up to eat and hydrate is such a pain too but at least that's less of a walk.

And I shouldn't even complain because there's not really anything wrong other than just tiredness. But I'm tired of not getting to say it, of no one listening because I'm worried that they'll think - I don't know. Something negative. I'm unfortunately a people-pleaser, can't help but shut up and keep it in.

Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is right? That there's no point in even trying because it's not working, you're not getting anywhere. I get that all the time. When I'm coming home and sitting down to unpack my laptop. When I see people chat about their day and complaining about things I'd consider blessings like having their cat on their lap. Yeah, sure, it's hard to want to move even if you have to in cases like that but my cat is dead and if he'd been alive and on my lap I wouldn't have cared that I needed to go, I'd stay put for a while and pet him and let him know I love him because fuck, I miss him so much that every single time I think about him I just remember carrying his body to the car so we could take him home and bury him and it hurts.

Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. I've got aches and itching and exhaustion all screaming at me to just get it over with because anything has got to be better than this. Better than spending hours upon hours hurting at losses of those important to me, of remembering that one person who tried to deny me going to see my uncle before he died because apparently you're only allowed to mourn and leave to say goodbye when they're already dead. They don't matter before that and they don't matter unless they're your parents, siblings or children. It's like he couldn't comprehend that I actually gave a shit about my uncle and wanted to see him before he passed so he could die knowing I cared enough to come.

And fuck if that didn't remind me about my grandmum who also passed away from cancer only 5 years before and while I got to see her one more time before she died she wasn't capable of talking or anything and I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me. Or when I told them that I loved them.

I'm almost hoping for an afterlife after I ctb if only to tell them I love them. Even though I just want to stop existing.

I understand what it's like to be tired. But it breaks my heart that you have such little self worth. I believe that everyone has worth. Your brain is just trying to trick you into believing you're no good and that's not the case. I can see by what you wrrite that you have sympathy and empathy. You have to love yourself. I know it's so easy to say that. Have you ever tried seeing a therapist about this? If you find a good one like I did once they can really help you sort these things out. I just wish you could find some happiness in life. I wish you peace.

I can't say what it is because it's too personal but I did something to myself when I was 29 that I really had problems forgiving myself for. It caused me to spiral into a deep depression and made me feel like an alien. Like I wasn't even a person. Like I didn't belong anywhere. I think I've finally put it behind me and I'm 34 years old. I get reminders of it all the time because it was something physical but it was a legitimate accident. I have really bad OCD and it has to due with my body and lots of times I wind up hurting myself. Not on purpose but because of how strong my OCD is. Every situation, to make a positive out of a negative...I try to take each situation as a learning lesson. Sometimes I slip up. But I try to give myself some slack because I know there is something wrong with my brain and all the stress I've been through for the past 14 years of extreme physical pain..I know it has done a number on my head so I try to be kind to myself. I don't think you're worthless at all. I wish you could find a passion for something. Something to keep you going. I read every one f your post and I can see how exhausted you are. I know the feeling. If you need to talk just keep posting. There are a lot of people that will be here for you.

 

[Ness]

I understand what it's like to be tired. But it breaks my heart that you have such little self worth. I believe that everyone has worth. Your brain is just trying to trick you into believing you're no good and that's not the case. I can see by what you wrrite that you have sympathy and empathy. You have to love yourself. I know it's so easy to say that. Have you ever tried seeing a therapist about this? If you find a good one like I did once they can really help you sort these things out. I just wish you could find some happiness in life. I wish you peace.

I can't say what it is because it's too personal but I did something to myself when I was 29 that I really had problems forgiving myself for. It caused me to spiral into a deep depression and made me feel like an alien. Like I wasn't even a person. Like I didn't belong anywhere. I think I've finally put it behind me and I'm 34 years old. I get reminders of it all the time because it was something physical but it was a legitimate accident. I have really bad OCD and it has to due with my body and lots of times I wind up hurting myself. Not on purpose but because of how strong my OCD is. Every situation, to make a positive out of a negative...I try to take each situation as a learning lesson. Sometimes I slip up. But I try to give myself some slack because I know there is something wrong with my brain and all the stress I've been through for the past 14 years of extreme physical pain..I know it has done a number on my head so I try to be kind to myself. I don't think you're worthless at all. I wish you could find a passion for something. Something to keep you going. I read every one f your post and I can see how exhausted you are. I know the feeling. If you need to talk just keep posting. There are a lot of people that will be here for you.

You're a stronger person than I and, while I can't even remember what it was like to want to live or love something enough to try, I admire that. I don't think I'll see a therapist, though. I've looked into some options and there's one person who keeps asking me to, but I have huge trust issues and it feels impossible to even think about looking someone in the eye and tell them something I can't even admit to myself. And most of the things I'd have to talk about are just those kind of things. I can write about them somewhere people who have no idea who I am can read it, but I'd have to be able to have the option of just removing my existence from the place I do it so that if I regret it, I have options.

I've tried talking to some online friends about nightmares, I even agreed to do it in a private discord server where I held all the power and it took no more than a day for me to delete everything I'd said, transfer ownership and leave the server. Mainly because I'd spoken to these people before and I like them, they've always been kind. But I don't want to put the kind of issues I have on their shoulders, either, because why should someone else have to worry about me when they've got enough on their own? I'm not worth that.

So even if I did semi-trust a therapist I don't think I could outright talk about any of this. I don't even like talking in person to begin with. Written communication is just so much easier, and what kind of therapy would that even be? No one would agree to that.

There's just so little, if any, point to even trying anymore. And yeah, I am so incredibly tired and done that maybe that's affecting me. All I'm doing is floating on the waves and most of the time they're pulling me under. I don't want to keep trying to swim when it's not doing me any good.

 

[Sweet emotion]

You're a stronger person than I and, while I can't even remember what it was like to want to live or love something enough to try, I admire that. I don't think I'll see a therapist, though. I've looked into some options and there's one person who keeps asking me to, but I have huge trust issues and it feels impossible to even think about looking someone in the eye and tell them something I can't even admit to myself. And most of the things I'd have to talk about are just those kind of things. I can write about them somewhere people who have no idea who I am can read it, but I'd have to be able to have the option of just removing my existence from the place I do it so that if I regret it, I have options.

I've tried talking to some online friends about nightmares, I even agreed to do it in a private discord server where I held all the power and it took no more than a day for me to delete everything I'd said, transfer ownership and leave the server. Mainly because I'd spoken to these people before and I like them, they've always been kind. But I don't want to put the kind of issues I have on their shoulders, either, because why should someone else have to worry about me when they've got enough on their own? I'm not worth that.

So even if I did semi-trust a therapist I don't think I could outright talk about any of this. I don't even like talking in person to begin with. Written communication is just so much easier, and what kind of therapy would that even be? No one would agree to that.

There's just so little, if any, point to even trying anymore. And yeah, I am so incredibly tired and done that maybe that's affecting me. All I'm doing is floating on the waves and most of the time they're pulling me under. I don't want to keep trying to swim when it's not doing me any good.

I completely understand. My pain management doctor wanted me to go talk to a therapist but I refused. First of all it hurts physically for me to talk but I have an incurable illness. I can talk until I'm blue in the face and she could tell me every positive thing in her head to make me try and change my thinking but it wouldn't work. I just hate how you devalue yourself. It breaks my heart. I wish you knew that you are worth listening to and worth being worried about. Unless you're a child molester or a murderer or you torture animals, you most certainly have worth. Is there one thing that you could find to like about yourself and start there? Is there anything that you can do to be a help to someone. Helping others really makes you feel good about yourself. But I get it. Even though I don't consider myself worthless, there is no point in me being here. I'm like one of those dolls that has been left on a shelf for everyone to look at but I'm sure as hell collecting a lot of dust you know? There is no hope for my future as much as I want there to be and that kills me inside. Since I got sick at such a young age I missed out on life and everything it had to offer me. Every day is the same. I can tell you what's going to happen before it even happens. I know you said you don't want a lot of positive comments and you don't want to be offered any uplifting words. You just want to be heard. I understand.

You're a stronger person than I and, while I can't even remember what it was like to want to live or love something enough to try, I admire that. I don't think I'll see a therapist, though. I've looked into some options and there's one person who keeps asking me to, but I have huge trust issues and it feels impossible to even think about looking someone in the eye and tell them something I can't even admit to myself. And most of the things I'd have to talk about are just those kind of things. I can write about them somewhere people who have no idea who I am can read it, but I'd have to be able to have the option of just removing my existence from the place I do it so that if I regret it, I have options.

I've tried talking to some online friends about nightmares, I even agreed to do it in a private discord server where I held all the power and it took no more than a day for me to delete everything I'd said, transfer ownership and leave the server. Mainly because I'd spoken to these people before and I like them, they've always been kind. But I don't want to put the kind of issues I have on their shoulders, either, because why should someone else have to worry about me when they've got enough on their own? I'm not worth that.

So even if I did semi-trust a therapist I don't think I could outright talk about any of this. I don't even like talking in person to begin with. Written communication is just so much easier, and what kind of therapy would that even be? No one would agree to that.

There's just so little, if any, point to even trying anymore. And yeah, I am so incredibly tired and done that maybe that's affecting me. All I'm doing is floating on the waves and most of the time they're pulling me under. I don't want to keep trying to swim when it's not doing me any good.

I completely understand. My pain management doctor wanted me to go talk to a therapist but I refused. First of all it hurts physically for me to talk but I have an incurable illness. I can talk until I'm blue in the face and she could tell me every positive thing in her head to make me try and change my thinking but it wouldn't work. I just hate how you devalue yourself. It breaks my heart. I wish you knew that you are worth listening to and worth being worried about. Unless you're a child molester or a murderer or you torture animals, you most certainly have worth. Is there one thing that you could find to like about yourself and start there? Is there anything that you can do to be a help to someone. Helping others really makes you feel good about yourself. But I get it. Even though I don't consider myself worthless, there is no point in me being here. I'm like one of those dolls that has been left on a shelf for everyone to look at but I'm sure as hell collecting a lot of dust you know? There is no hope for my future as much as I want there to be and that kills me inside. Since I got sick at such a young age I missed out on life and everything it had to offer me. Every day is the same. I can tell you what's going to happen before it even happens. I know you said you don't want a lot of positive comments and you don't want to be offered any uplifting words. You just want to be heard. I understand.

 

[Ness]

I completely understand. My pain management doctor wanted me to go talk to a therapist but I refused. First of all it hurts physically for me to talk but I have an incurable illness. I can talk until I'm blue in the face and she could tell me every positive thing in her head to make me try and change my thinking but it wouldn't work. I just hate how you devalue yourself. It breaks my heart. I wish you knew that you are worth listening to and worth being worried about. Unless you're a child molester or a murderer or you torture animals, you most certainly have worth. Is there one thing that you could find to like about yourself and start there? Is there anything that you can do to be a help to someone. Helping others really makes you feel good about yourself. But I get it. Even though I don't consider myself worthless, there is no point in me being here. I'm like one of those dolls that has been left on a shelf for everyone to look at but I'm sure as hell collecting a lot of dust you know? There is no hope for my future as much as I want there to be and that kills me inside. Since I got sick at such a young age I missed out on life and everything it had to offer me. Every day is the same. I can tell you what's going to happen before it even happens. I know you said you don't want a lot of positive comments and you don't want to be offered any uplifting words. You just want to be heard. I understand.

That sucks, I'm sorry you're suffering and I hope talking to others online helps you even just a little.

I might not be any of those things listed, but that doesn't really make me less unworthy. My issues aren't that awful, there's billions of people who have it so much worse than me. All I am is weak and pathetic and a waste of time and air. If nothing else, I will save the world some oxygen when I go. There's nothing outright likeable about me - anything I could consider is something I'm at most only okay at. I used to think I was better at several things but now that I've grown up and tried pursuing any of it as options for a career, I've discovered that I'm actually pants at the things I used to get praised for.

Helping people is usually a nice thing and I spend a lot of time trying to be positive and kind to people I speak to (discord, more often than not), but at the end of the night when I'm awake at 4am and hurting, it doesn't make my life any better. All it does is get people attached to me and, because they're all kind and sweethearts, worried about me. Which is what I don't want, because it'll only hurt them when I pull away and that's on me.

Every day for me is one more day where I'm wasting someone's time and money and air. I'm on a student loan right now and I'm going to go before I can pay it back. That means there's less money for others. I'm a student trying for a new bachelor degree (I failed the first go) and I'm not even going to pass or use it so I should've let someone else take the spot. Every breath I breathe is more oxygen stolen from someone in the future when the earth inevitably stops being able to give enough oxygen. I'm not going to do anything with my life, I'm not even really trying, so why do I keep wasting it all?

I'm not worth any of it. I was never even supposed to be born, I'm an accident and my life isn't the only one I ruined by being born.

 

[Sweet emotion]

That sucks, I'm sorry you're suffering and I hope talking to others online helps you even just a little.

I might not be any of those things listed, but that doesn't really make me less unworthy. My issues aren't that awful, there's billions of people who have it so much worse than me. All I am is weak and pathetic and a waste of time and air. If nothing else, I will save the world some oxygen when I go. There's nothing outright likeable about me - anything I could consider is something I'm at most only okay at. I used to think I was better at several things but now that I've grown up and tried pursuing any of it as options for a career, I've discovered that I'm actually pants at the things I used to get praised for.

Helping people is usually a nice thing and I spend a lot of time trying to be positive and kind to people I speak to (discord, more often than not), but at the end of the night when I'm awake at 4am and hurting, it doesn't make my life any better. All it does is get people attached to me and, because they're all kind and sweethearts, worried about me. Which is what I don't want, because it'll only hurt them when I pull away and that's on me.

Every day for me is one more day where I'm wasting someone's time and money and air. I'm on a student loan right now and I'm going to go before I can pay it back. That means there's less money for others. I'm a student trying for a new bachelor degree (I failed the first go) and I'm not even going to pass or use it so I should've let someone else take the spot. Every breath I breathe is more oxygen stolen from someone in the future when the earth inevitably stops being able to give enough oxygen. I'm not going to do anything with my life, I'm not even really trying, so why do I keep wasting it all?

I'm not worth any of it. I was never even supposed to be born, I'm an accident and my life isn't the only one I ruined by being born.

I'm so sorry I don't know what to say. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. But believe me we aren't going to have any more oxygen if you die. There are a lot of awful people in this world who should be gone that are taking up oxygen and valuable space but I know you're not one of them. I wish you peace.

 

[Ness]

I'm so sorry I don't know what to say. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. But believe me we aren't going to have any more oxygen if you die. There are a lot of awful people in this world who should be gone that are taking up oxygen and valuable space but I know you're not one of them. I wish you peace.

Thank you for trying, you're very kind and I'm sorry this is so depressing.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Thank you for trying, you're very kind and I'm sorry this is so depressing.

You're welcome and hey, it's a suicide site. We know it's not going to be rainbows and unicorns. If it makes you feel better to vent then that's what you have to do.

 

[Ness]

You're welcome and hey, it's a suicide site. We know it's not going to be rainbows and unicorns. If it makes you feel better to vent then that's what you have to do.

Yeah, I guess so. Somehow, though, I still feel kind of guilty. I guess it's just knowing that other people here have so many of their own issues that taking your time from yourself and others also feels like a waste? Despite knowing that you all choose to respond. I think I'll always feel like that.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Yeah, I guess so. Somehow, though, I still feel kind of guilty. I guess it's just knowing that other people here have so many of their own issues that taking your time from yourself and others also feels like a waste? Despite knowing that you all choose to respond. I think I'll always feel like that.

Who took all of this self worth away from you? And this is a place to vent. Look at everyone spilling their guts out. I've vented on here more times than I can count. I've never met such wonderful people than I have on this site and we truly do care.

 

[Ness]

Who took all of this self worth away from you? And this is a place to vent. Look at everyone spilling their guts out. I've vented on here more times than I can count. I've never met such wonderful people than I have on this site and we truly do care.

Life, I guess? Everyone I've ever known who choose others and themselves before me? I'm not exactly a first choice by anyone except maybe my mom and that's not as often as I'd like. At the same time I'm glad it's not? She's sacrificed enough of her life to raise me, she deserves so much better than life's given her.

That's true, I think I just never expected anyone to actually notice me or talk to me even here. It's strange to think that you all cared enough to actually let me know?

 

[Ness]

Back on my shit again (except that I never really left).

I went home to my parents to work and study and I've only worked a little, no studying has happened and I'm definitely going to fail those exams now. I seriously hope someone kills me before the exams so I don't have to stress through them and also don't have to plan for eventualities. It'd just be so much easier and then I wouldn't have to think about things I never wanted to know or remember.

I mean, thanks a lot fam for reminding me of those awful things in the past that I knew but had managed to forget. I definitely wanted to think about all that shit all over again and struggle to not hate everyone I've ever known because of it. Sure, go ahead and spread your pain and bitterness to me because why not, right? Why not distract and bother me when I have exams and work to think about while all y'all do is sit at home and do nothing.

Why fucking not.

 

[Ness]

I really hate myself.

I'm sitting here, 30 hours away from the first exam and I know pretty much nothing. My head hurts, my back hurts, it's that time of the month so I'm bleeding and got cramps and I'm making myself bleed other ways too because I just want to fucking die. I want everyone to say they hate me so I can stop worrying about them and just go for it.

And I can't even manage to motivate myself to actually study or even just try to. I'm literally fucking hopeless.

I wish I killed myself at 16. I wish I never bothered trying.

 

[Ness]

Fuck, I told myself not to panic because I could withdraw from the exam I'm having in 4 hours but as it turns out I'd have to wait a whole year to retake if I do so I have to actually try to answer or make it look like I tried. Damn it, I can't do this, I can't. I'm struggling to do anything and I can't fucking do this.

I need to just die, why am I still alive?
I once got told to take a long walk off a short pier and I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't listen back then.

 

[Ness]

I wish I could scream, just outright scream and scream until I get all this frustration out. But I can't, I haven't screamed in, uh, I don't even remember. Decades, probably. But I'm so damn tired of people constantly changing their minds. Pick a damn plan and lets stick to it for once. Instead of stressing literally the day before to buy presents, why don't we just do it today like planned? It doesn't have to be expensive as fuck all, damn it. They always do this, evvery single fucking year they go "lets not stress like this next year" and then we fucking do anyway.

Why the fuck can't we start doing better, tradition or not? We can still have a fucking shopping trip the day before if we must but the presents can be out of the way early in the month. But no, they're so damn lazy and procrastinates worse than me when faced with a fucking exam. Fuck all of this, I stayed up for no fucking reason and I haven't slept in 37 hours.

 

[Ness]

I bought new self-harm tools on Monday and I'd forgotten how satisfying new blades are at cutting skin so I might've gone overboard.

I've been planning to go to the doctor before January to get papers on my motion sickness so I don't get forced to travel for hours after the new year every day for an internship in my bachelor, and thought I might ask about my sleep issues too, but to be quite honest I'm more than ready to just off myself and not worry about it. I've got so much new to learn and I still don't even know if I passed my exams and the self-harm helped for a while but. I got into a kind of argument with a few people on discord and now I'm upset again and I really shouldn't go for worse.

But I really want to. Hiding the proof is going to be a Problem I hope I can fix somehow.

 

[Rushon]

Yeah dude you seem to be in that "intense" stage. I went through it, I bet a lot of people have gone through it. This is a great site with great people that can help, even if you decide to CTB. Keep venting, we are listening. Will help in whatever way we can.

 

[Ness]

Yeah dude you seem to be in that "intense" stage. I went through it, I bet a lot of people have gone through it. This is a great site with great people that can help, even if you decide to CTB. Keep venting, we are listening. Will help in whatever way we can.

...I don't know if intense is the word I'd choose because I'm just tired of always not being good enough for anything. And I know it's a thing that people go through but I don't want to. Not now, not ever again. I just want to be done. I want to not have to wake up every day and know the day's going to be one more depressive and tiring day of my excruciatingly too long life.

If I could snap my fingers and be dead, I'd have done it. My main issue is that I can't reliably get it done where I am now.

 

[Ness]

I've decided I'm not going to go outside today. I'm not even going to go to the doctor. I'm going to wait 'til if they ask me for proof of motion sickness to change to a different doctor and go then, but 'til then it doesn't matter. Especially if I failed any exams, as I will have to go and retake it if so and might not even get to complete the bachelor at all. I can just ctb. While I still need to work out some parts of the plans, I'm fairly sure I can figure it out somehow so I'm going to try to stop panicking all the time and remind myself that if worse comes to worse, I can just go for it. Partial susp. in my room in January, drowning in some random river or the ocean, whatever it takes. I just need to stop panicking every time I fail, even if it's too often.

 

[LivingToLong]

I wish I could say something, anything, but what? I feel the hopelessness maybe? Is there any point to saying anything, to anyone, ever.

But Ness, you haved reminded me of something, but perhaps that is selfish, this is your vent... not that I want to vent, I just remembered something, if remembered is the right word, because I've never forgotten it, it's always there, part of me, maybe part of what makes me the way I am...

At school, many many years ago, I was recognised for being 'clever'. I suppose it made me feel good but I didn't really understand it, it was as I was. Me being me. I didn't work hard for it, might as well gve me a prize for having blue eyes or something. And everyone thought I was okay, thought I'd do well because, you know, I was 'clever' My parents were proud of me, I knew that, but I felt horribly alone and scared. Nobody saw that and I lived with it. But I could cling on to this recognition, it was something. I suppose I even lazily thought it would always protect me, that it would always be something.

Then when I was university, I found out that I wasn't quite as clever as I was at school. There were others. And suddenly, I had to work at it. I didn't know how to do that. I hadn't learned to do that and I didn't even want to. All I ever thought I was disappeared, just like that. I didn't know who I was anymore or how to be anything else. I have never recovered from that.

Years later and I am still lost. I can't help but feel that if I was shown love as a child, if it wasn't assumed I was OK just because I could pass a math test, then maybe I might be OK now. Or better anyway, it's only a part of who I am after all. That all sounds like pathetic bleating, I know, but I think back to that child and can't help but feel that they were left alone to find their own way, recognised only for something that didn't mean anything to them. Take that something away and there was nothing left.

 

[Ness]

I wish I could say something, anything, but what? I feel the hopelessness maybe? Is there any point to saying anything, to anyone, ever.

But Ness, you have reminded me of something, but perhaps that is selfish, this is your vent... not that I want to vent, I just remembered something, if remembered is the right word, because I've never forgotten it, it's always there, part of me, maybe part of what makes me the way I am...

At school, many many years ago, I was recognised for being 'clever'. I suppose it made me feel good but I didn't really understand it, it was as I was. Me being me. I didn't work hard for it, might as well give me a prize for having blue eyes or something. And everyone thought I was okay, thought I'd do well because, you know, I was 'clever' My parents were proud of me, I knew that, but I felt horribly alone and scared. Nobody saw that and I lived with it. But I could cling on to this recognition, it was something. I suppose I even lazily thought it would always protect me, that it would always be something.

Then when I was university, I found out that I wasn't quite as clever as I was at school. There were others. And suddenly, I had to work at it. I didn't know how to do that. I hadn't learned to do that and I didn't even want to. All I ever thought I was disappeared, just like that. I didn't know who I was anymore or how to be anything else. I have never recovered from that.

Years later and I am still lost. I can't help but feel that if I was shown love as a child, if it wasn't assumed I was OK just because I could pass a math test, then maybe I might be OK now. Or better anyway, it's only a part of who I am after all. That all sounds like pathetic bleating, I know, but I think back to that child and can't help but feel that they were left alone to find their own way, recognised only for something that didn't mean anything to them. Take that something away and there was nothing left.

Yeah, I get that feeling. Thanks for sharing.

 

[hatelife]

me too im hurting too and so sad and alone, I just want it all to end, just saw jeff bezos wife and told myself if that was me I still would not be happy

 

[hatelife]

sweet emotion u are gone

 

[Ness]

me too im hurting too and so sad and alone, I just want it all to end, just saw jeff bezos wife and told myself if that was me I still would not be happy

sweet emotion u are gone

Yeah... Happiness is a fleeting feeling that the wind steals away every time it passes by.

 

[hatelife]

I wish I could scream, just outright scream and scream until I get all this frustration out. But I can't, I haven't screamed in, uh, I don't even remember. Decades, probably. But I'm so damn tired of people constantly changing their minds. Pick a damn plan and lets stick to it for once. Instead of stressing literally the day before to buy presents, why don't we just do it today like planned? It doesn't have to be expensive as fuck all, damn it. They always do this, evvery single fucking year they go "lets not stress like this next year" and then we fucking do anyway.

Why the fuck can't we start doing better, tradition or not? We can still have a fucking shopping trip the day before if we must but the presents can be out of the way early in the month. But no, they're so damn lazy and procrastinates worse than me when faced with a fucking exam. Fuck all of this, I stayed up for no fucking reason and I haven't slept in 37 hours.

you can scream very loudly into a pillow, it helps somewhat, I do it from time to time

I wish I could say something, anything, but what? I feel the hopelessness maybe? Is there any point to saying anything, to anyone, ever.

But Ness, you haved reminded me of something, but perhaps that is selfish, this is your vent... not that I want to vent, I just remembered something, if remembered is the right word, because I've never forgotten it, it's always there, part of me, maybe part of what makes me the way I am...

At school, many many years ago, I was recognised for being 'clever'. I suppose it made me feel good but I didn't really understand it, it was as I was. Me being me. I didn't work hard for it, might as well gve me a prize for having blue eyes or something. And everyone thought I was okay, thought I'd do well because, you know, I was 'clever' My parents were proud of me, I knew that, but I felt horribly alone and scared. Nobody saw that and I lived with it. But I could cling on to this recognition, it was something. I suppose I even lazily thought it would always protect me, that it would always be something.

Then when I was university, I found out that I wasn't quite as clever as I was at school. There were others. And suddenly, I had to work at it. I didn't know how to do that. I hadn't learned to do that and I didn't even want to. All I ever thought I was disappeared, just like that. I didn't know who I was anymore or how to be anything else. I have never recovered from that.

Years later and I am still lost. I can't help but feel that if I was shown love as a child, if it wasn't assumed I was OK just because I could pass a math test, then maybe I might be OK now. Or better anyway, it's only a part of who I am after all. That all sounds like pathetic bleating, I know, but I think back to that child and can't help but feel that they were left alone to find their own way, recognised only for something that didn't mean anything to them. Take that something away and there was nothing left.

like reading my life novel, and put beauty into it, it really feels like I dont know who I am

 

[Ness]

you can scream very loudly into a pillow, it helps somewhat, I do it from time to time

like reading my life novel, and put beauty into it, it really feels like I dont know who I am

The walls are thin, I'd have to be home alone to even attempt it or someone would come asking what is up. Otherwise I might've tried.

 

[Ness]

I've been given a few expensive things and bought some myself, I've even been spoiled so much that I've had my parents help me move in and out despite extra expenses, and I have people who wished me happy birthday back in August, I've had people help me with things when I've asked and I've been allowed to work in a store being closed even though they didn't necessarily need me but because the boss knew I needed the cash. I've had people spend money on me, spend time with me, laugh with me.

2019 has given me all of this and yet I still can't find it in myself to call it a good year.

Because I've also lost my precious cat mere days before he turned 2, I've been constantly tired out emotionally and mentally, I've been mocked and stared at, I've had people stop talking to me or caring about me. I've had so low days I skipped lectures because I couldn't get out of bed, I've cut myself and hit myself and hurt myself many more ways all to make the hurt people cause me stop. I've started practicing ways to ctb and figuring out what works best for me and I've told myself I won't choose just one. Whichever gets me out of here first, whichever helps me get away from all this fucking family drama and the police refusing to close their investigation into our burnt down childhood home purely because of our last name. I've been pretending I'm fine and that I have a future plan for my life but the truth is that the entire thing is a lie and it's hard to keep up with it.

2019 has reminded me what a pathetic, worthless loser I am and while I want to say that I hope 2020 is better, I guess it's fine if it's not. I'll be catching the bus soon enough anyway.

 

[Ness]

Something just clicked in my head right now. After mom's house burnt down, the insurance company offered paid sessions with a psychologist for our family. Supposedly to deal with the loss. Which, uh. Is it just me or does that sound suspicious?

For some context, imagine that everyone around there knows exactly who we are because of rumours and arguments and the typical "this whole town is filled with drunks every weekend and they're all insufferable gossips and/or perfectly willing to call the cops on you for no actual reason other than they don't like you". The cops are literally prolonging the investigation purely because of who our family is, even though the firefighters have given no reason for any suspicion to anyone having set it on fire or it being anything other than an accident.

I wouldn't be surprised if they're all trying to trap us somehow.

 

[a.h]

I appreciate you trying to help, I really do, and I'm awfully sorry about your cat because that sucks, but I don't want to be convinced to force myself to struggle more. This is a vent thread, I am here to get this all off of my chest. I especially don't want to think about there possibly being a next life, what I want is to cease existing entirely. No afterlife, no being reborn, nothing.

I really don't want advice or anything like that in this thread, I just want to talk to people who understand.

So please, don't.

I am sorry. I understood it wrong.

I am sure you will get what you want in afterlife and didn't want to scare you with my beliefs. ;)
I can't always tell when people are venting and when they want to hear something that might be helpful or nice. I don't always (if ever) think throughly when writing here and with my brain damage consentrating and thinking is hard for me.

I didn't intend to convince you to struggle more. I only wish you had any relieve while you do it by your own choice.
I am not going to stay struggling here for long. So I couldn't and wouldn't tell anyone they should do it either.

 

[Ness]

I am sorry. I understood it wrong.

I am sure you will get what you want in afterlife and didn't want to scare you with my beliefs. ;)
I can't always tell when people are venting and when they want to hear something that might be helpful or nice. I don't always (if ever) think throughly when writing here and with my brain damage consentrating and thinking is hard for me.

I didn't intend to convince you to struggle more. I only wish you had any relieve while you do it by your own choice.
I am not going to stay struggling here for long. So I couldn't and wouldn't tell anyone they should do it either.

It's okay, I know it happens. Thank you for understanding.

 

[BlessedOffal]

Hi. I want to let you know that I've read everything in here and that I appreciate your sharing. I'm also from Norway. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Being tired of trying. Of having to try.

For some context, imagine that everyone around there knows exactly who we are because of rumours and arguments and the typical "this whole town is filled with drunks every weekend and they're all insufferable gossips and/or perfectly willing to call the cops on you for no actual reason other than they don't like you". The cops are literally prolonging the investigation purely because of who our family is, even though the firefighters have given no reason for any suspicion to anyone having set it on fire or it being anything other than an accident.

I wouldn't be surprised if they're all trying to trap us somehow.

Smaller towns in a nutshell. I hope it all works out fairly and justly.