Venting I'm the kind of tired I can't explain

[Ness]

I'm so tired. I know it's 3 am and that it's late and that I should sleep but that's not the kind of tired that's chewing at me. I'm just tired. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings but I don't want to sleep either because sleeping means no control and what I wouldn't give for dreamless sleep and better days. For not being so tired and unfocused and sad. It's not easy to motivate myself to get up and get moving, to go to lectures even if I won't pay attention because at least I can record them and try again later then. Getting up to eat and hydrate is such a pain too but at least that's less of a walk.

And I shouldn't even complain because there's not really anything wrong other than just tiredness. But I'm tired of not getting to say it, of no one listening because I'm worried that they'll think - I don't know. Something negative. I'm unfortunately a people-pleaser, can't help but shut up and keep it in.

Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is right? That there's no point in even trying because it's not working, you're not getting anywhere. I get that all the time. When I'm coming home and sitting down to unpack my laptop. When I see people chat about their day and complaining about things I'd consider blessings like having their cat on their lap. Yeah, sure, it's hard to want to move even if you have to in cases like that but my cat is dead and if he'd been alive and on my lap I wouldn't have cared that I needed to go, I'd stay put for a while and pet him and let him know I love him because fuck, I miss him so much that every single time I think about him I just remember carrying his body to the car so we could take him home and bury him and it hurts.

Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. I've got aches and itching and exhaustion all screaming at me to just get it over with because anything has got to be better than this. Better than spending hours upon hours hurting at losses of those important to me, of remembering that one person who tried to deny me going to see my uncle before he died because apparently you're only allowed to mourn and leave to say goodbye when they're already dead. They don't matter before that and they don't matter unless they're your parents, siblings or children. It's like he couldn't comprehend that I actually gave a shit about my uncle and wanted to see him before he passed so he could die knowing I cared enough to come.

And fuck if that didn't remind me about my grandmum who also passed away from cancer only 5 years before and while I got to see her one more time before she died she wasn't capable of talking or anything and I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me. Or when I told them that I loved them.

I'm almost hoping for an afterlife after I ctb if only to tell them I love them. Even though I just want to stop existing.

 

[Ness]

I am alone. I am sad. I am tired. I am hurting. I feel like I'm going to be sick and I know that's not it. I know it's just me, my body deciding it's going to fuck me over again. I want this to end.

I need it to be over. I need for the misery to stop.

Why couldn't it have been me? Why couldn't I be the one with cancer? It should've been me. Me who wants to die. I. But no, it wasn't. Instead I had to lose people, to know that feeling of numbness where I couldn't understand that they're gone. Still can't, in some cases. I feel like I can pick up the phone and just call them anytime and they'll be there.

Processing is impossible.

Can't I at least ask this life to give me less pain? Less of my back crying, less of my stomach aching, less of my head grumbling, less of my knees and hands bleeding every time my feet decide that no, we're not cooperating right this second so you get to fall and hurt yourself, or slam your leg or knee into something, whatever it is that ensures you hurt.

Because it's never going to stop the emotional pain, only death can do that. And if I must live for now, then I'd like to choose my pain when I hurt myself, not when the world decides to hurt me.

 

[Ness]

I am so sick and tired of people who only notice me or only care what I have to say when I admit to wanting to die and they get to tell me no.

Why the fuck does it matter to you, you literally told me you don't care and yet you think I should listen to and accept your no? You think you have the right to continuously deny me what I want? You've decided you're in the right, that you're taking the high road when you poke another friend who does actually care but doesn't have that much time and somehow everyone's saying no.

Why should I care that you say no when you don't care? Why couldn't you just ignore me talking like you do most of the time and pretend you never saw or heard anything? You're part of why I want to leave that place, except I've got too much keeping me there that I'll stay until I die. Which hopefully will be soon even if I'm not prepared, even if it's a traffic accident or whatever else could happen.

You know, I actually do care about what you think and say. You matter to me. But I'm still going to keep being upset that you never listen to me or care about why I want this. You just want to tell me no.

 

[Ness]

I'm so tired of trying to make this work. I know I'm going to fail the first semester so why do I even bother to try? I don't understand why I can't just stop going through the motions, pick the spot and ctb already. I know it's where I'm going to end up anyway, so why do I keep delaying it? Why am I so slow and stupid and useless?

I hate myself, I hate the way I waste the time of everyone around me, the oxygen they breathe, the money that could've gone to someone who is actually going to go somewhere in their life. I hate the way I promise to be available for work in December, the way I talk about things I want to give as Christmas presents, the things I tell people that I want when I know that I'll either never get it or it'd be a waste because I'll be dead soon enough anyway. I hate the way I struggle to sleep but don't go to the doctor because I think it's a waste of time and money and people make me uncomfortable, doctors most of all. Even though I tell myself I'm going to ctb so why not have a good life before I go?

But if I'm gonna go then I shouldn't waste any of it, I should just pack all my stuff, delete all my accounts, leave keys where they can be reached and go ctb. Get it over with and get the peace I've wanted for a whole fucking decade now.

Why was I so fucking stupid to go to mom for help when I almost drowned as a teenager, I should've just given up and died, spared myself all this pain and struggling.

I'm such a fucking idiot, I wish I was never born.

 

[Darkhaven]

Eh, it's more or less my the same as me.
A failure at everything i do.
Still pushing forward because that's what "everyone does" or what's normal.
Going to college even though i know i won't ever be able to fit in on the job market and have a normal career.
Still this whole suicide thing is easy to want and think of but rather hard to put in motion, that's why most of us are still alive.
Were it easier to do, i bet most people with depression wouldn't be on this world much longer.
We gotta keep fighting, either for recovering and giving a second chance to life or to get out of it once and for all.

 

[Ness]

Eh, it's more or less my the same as me.
A failure at everything i do.
Still pushing forward because that's what "everyone does" or what's normal.
Going to college even though i know i won't ever be able to fit in on the job market and have a normal career.
Still this whole suicide thing is easy to want and think of but rather hard to put in motion, that's why most of us are still alive.
Were it easier to do, i bet most people with depression wouldn't be on this world much longer.
We gotta keep fighting, either for recovering and giving a second chance to life or to get out of it once and for all.

I'm just so tired of fighting, I don't even do it well. I just sluggishly move forward on a path I know I won't reach the end of. The goal I set for the sake of no one noticing what a miserable fucking person I am is unattainable and I don't understand why I keep letting their expectations make me keep surviving. Because it is surviving, what I'm doing. I'm not even living anymore.

What's the point of a life where I can barely go outside, where I have to remind myself that I need to take the trash out so I can reliably stay inside and not have all those insects that terrify me flying around, where I go to lectures only because it is expected, not because I think I'll pass the classes. What's the fucking point when I don't have friends, when the relatives I stupidly called my friends don't treat me as anything but a distant relative and the rest of them are drunkards and liars and self-absorbent people who decide that everyone else don't matter when family dies, their mourning is highest priority and who fucking cares about the rest of us.

I know I can ctb, I have been working on my plans A to K for a decade, it's just letting go of people and accepting that I don't need to care about them anymore that's so fucking hard for me to do. I care too fucking much, that's my one big problem. I don't tell them my issues because I know it'll hurt them and they'll try to make me better by saying how they feel bad about the entire thing. I can't take that, guilting me is so fucking easy.

 

[a.h]

I am so sorry you feel that way. Have you been to a doctor? I believe you have burnout, depression, sleeping problem or thyroid problem. Thyroid and sleeping problems are easy to cure.

I might have narcolepsy (which is very common) myself since I wake up constantly for seconds at night (most don't recall waking at all) and I am tired always no matter how long I sleep. In narcolepsy you don't get the deep sleep at all that people need so sleeping long won't help. If that was my only issue I would definitely go to test it and other things to get meds for it. I still might even it takes long time to get to tests and specialist in public health care sector.

I feel so sorry for your losses. When my cats died for long time I kept forgetting that and kept waiting them to jump to my bed or come to greet me when I come home. My brain just couldn't handle them being gone. They both always slept near my face as close to me as they could and purred me to sleep. It was so lonely and hard to live and sleep alone after their passing. For some having another pet after some time is good even they will loose them one day to old age or sickness too. But you can be happy and proud that you gave one animal a happy life and peacefull death. If everyone loved animals as much as you do this world would be so much better place for everyone.
I have lost also many family members in my lifetime and a friend. But I have had wonderful nde myself. It felt so much more real than life. So that have helped me with the losses. I am sad for myself but they are in better place for sure just like your loved ones, people and cat. Your uncle and loved ones know that you loved them even you were not there in their last days. People working in hospice care say that in last days people are often like partly gone already (stop caring about this earthly life) and just want to sleep. They can be so disoriented that they don't even know people who visit them. But for us left behind it would have meant a lot. I wish I had seen my grandmothers close to before they passed too.

With loosing a pet it's one way harder because you saw it everyday. I still see dreams of being with my both cats (the other one died when I was a kid) and being so happy. And wake up very sad that they are gone.
But one day we get to be together with them and our loved ones.

You can be sure that there is no pain after death. Not existing is just as good as being in place with only love and peace. I believe that once we don't need anything worldy all people loose what caused them to do bad things. I mean there is no reason to be jealous, proud, lie, cheat etc. and all who had nde say people communicate through telepathy.

I'm so tired. I know it's 3 am and that it's late and that I should sleep but that's not the kind of tired that's chewing at me. I'm just tired. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings but I don't want to sleep either because sleeping means no control and what I wouldn't give for dreamless sleep and better days. For not being so tired and unfocused and sad. It's not easy to motivate myself to get up and get moving, to go to lectures even if I won't pay attention because at least I can record them and try again later then. Getting up to eat and hydrate is such a pain too but at least that's less of a walk.

And I shouldn't even complain because there's not really anything wrong other than just tiredness. But I'm tired of not getting to say it, of no one listening because I'm worried that they'll think - I don't know. Something negative. I'm unfortunately a people-pleaser, can't help but shut up and keep it in.

Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is right? That there's no point in even trying because it's not working, you're not getting anywhere. I get that all the time. When I'm coming home and sitting down to unpack my laptop. When I see people chat about their day and complaining about things I'd consider blessings like having their cat on their lap. Yeah, sure, it's hard to want to move even if you have to in cases like that but my cat is dead and if he'd been alive and on my lap I wouldn't have cared that I needed to go, I'd stay put for a while and pet him and let him know I love him because fuck, I miss him so much that every single time I think about him I just remember carrying his body to the car so we could take him home and bury him and it hurts.

Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. I've got aches and itching and exhaustion all screaming at me to just get it over with because anything has got to be better than this. Better than spending hours upon hours hurting at losses of those important to me, of remembering that one person who tried to deny me going to see my uncle before he died because apparently you're only allowed to mourn and leave to say goodbye when they're already dead. They don't matter before that and they don't matter unless they're your parents, siblings or children. It's like he couldn't comprehend that I actually gave a shit about my uncle and wanted to see him before he passed so he could die knowing I cared enough to come.

And fuck if that didn't remind me about my grandmum who also passed away from cancer only 5 years before and while I got to see her one more time before she died she wasn't capable of talking or anything and I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me. Or when I told them that I loved them.

I'm almost hoping for an afterlife after I ctb if only to tell them I love them. Even though I just want to stop existing.

 

[Ness]

I am so sorry you feel that way. Have you been to a doctor? I believe you have burnout, depression, sleeping problem or thyroid problem. Thyroid and sleeping problems are easy to cure.

I might have narcolepsy (which is very common) myself since I wake up constantly for seconds at night (most don't recall waking at all) and I am tired always no matter how long I sleep. In narcolepsy you don't get the deep sleep at all that people need so sleeping long won't help. If that was my only issue I would definitely go to test it and other things to get meds for it. I still might even it takes long time to get to tests and specialist in public health care sector.

I feel so sorry for your losses. When my cats died for long time I kept forgetting that and kept waiting them to jump to my bed or come to greet me when I come home. My brain just couldn't handle them being gone. They both always slept near my face as close to me as they could and purred me to sleep. It was so lonely and hard to live and sleep alone after their passing. For some having another pet after some time is good even they will loose them one day to old age or sickness too. But you can be happy and proud that you gave one animal a happy life and peacefull death. If everyone loved animals as much as you do this world would be so much better place for everyone.
I have lost also many family members in my lifetime and a friend. But I have had wonderful nde myself. It felt so much more real than life. So that have helped me with the losses. I am sad for myself but they are in better place for sure just like your loved ones, people and cat. Your uncle and loved ones know that you loved them even you were not there in their last days. People working in hospice care say that in last days people are often like partly gone already (stop caring about this earthly life) and just want to sleep. They can be so disoriented that they don't even know people who visit them. But for us left behind it would have meant a lot. I wish I had seen my grandmothers close to before they passed too.

With loosing a pet it's one way harder because you saw it everyday. I still see dreams of being with my both cats (the other one died when I was a kid) and being so happy. And wake up very sad that they are gone.
But one day we get to be together with them and our loved ones.

You can be sure that there is no pain after death. Not existing is just as good as being in place with only love and peace. I believe that once we don't need anything worldy all people loose what caused them to do bad things. I mean there is no reason to be jealous, proud, lie, cheat etc. and all who had nde say people communicate through telepathy.

People make me uncomfortable, doctors even more so. And I rarely manage to force myself to get out of bed and go to lectures, going out of my way to go see a doctor is a lot of pressure that I don't think I'll manage for a while, if ever. And I don't believe there is an "easy cure", I've talked to people with those mentioned issues before and they tell me they're still struggling, that it takes a while to find meds that work for them and some of they get stuck with meds that give side effects that they can only barely handle.

My cat was hit by a car. He died mere days before he turned 2 and the people who hit him just left him there to die. Someone else found him already dead and called the Police. I wouldn't call that peaceful, in fact I'm pretty pissed off at whoever is responsible and I hope their car broke down soon after and that every car they ever get does the same. I've had pets before him but he's the one I got to keep the shortest and I'm extremely hurt that some asshole took him from me.

I am not even going to touch upon the deaths of my grandma (the one who cared, the other one died when I was a child) and uncle again.

I don't believe in anything after death. I said I almost want to so I could see them again but I don't actually want to. I want there to be nothing, for me to cease existing when I ctb so I don't have to think or feel anymore. I don't want to continue living, or surviving, in any way. I don't want to feel a single thing. I just want peace. Communicating through telepathy sounds terrifying, too. I don't want anyone to know what I'm thinking, I don't even want to be thinking. For me, not existing is better than your want of a place that is "only love and peace".

These are things I have already mentioned, though maybe not gone as deeply in on, previously in the thread.

Also communicating with other people in any way will always mean that some reason to lie, be proud or all that will eventually pop up.

 

[a.h]

Nobody likes doctors and the bills they give. But if you keep living it can change for much better. Here are people who have tried and not gotten help to their problem but many have. If I don't take my pain medicines (some has serotonin) I get instantly the deepest depression. I can't even get up from the bed. But the meds take it away right away.

I hope you get what you want. I still sometimes wish it was not existing. Would make more sense why nobody is helped out here if it was impossible. Anyway I am sure it is all good. Nothing is bad in nde's. Some things may just sound bad now here.

I am sorry that happened to your cat. My cat was shot by a evil man. I got him to court but he only had to pay for the cat. It was easier for me still because the guilty one was found and he got so bad hate mail that he wouldn't leave his house. I hate my country most because people can torture animals without any real punishment.

Anyways I wish you all good in this life and the next.

 

[Ness]

Nobody likes doctors and the bills they give. But if you keep living it can change for much better. Here are people who have tried and not gotten help to their problem but many have. If I don't take my pain medicines (some has serotonin) I get instantly the deepest depression. I can't even get up from the bed. But the meds take it away right away.

I hope you get what you want. I still sometimes wish it was not existing. Would make more sense why nobody is helped out here if it was impossible. Anyway I am sure it is all good. Nothing is bad in nde's. Some things may just sound bad now here.

I am sorry that happened to your cat. My cat was shot by a evil man. I got him to court but he only had to pay for the cat. It was easier for me still because the guilty one was found and he got so bad hate mail that he wouldn't leave his house. I hate my country most because people can torture animals without any real punishment.

Anyways I wish you all good in this life and the next.

I appreciate you trying to help, I really do, and I'm awfully sorry about your cat because that sucks, but I don't want to be convinced to force myself to struggle more. This is a vent thread, I am here to get this all off of my chest. I especially don't want to think about there possibly being a next life, what I want is to cease existing entirely. No afterlife, no being reborn, nothing.

I really don't want advice or anything like that in this thread, I just want to talk to people who understand.

So please, don't.

 

[Ness]

I just learned that I won't have a place to live in the city where I'm studying after January 7th because they're renovating the building. I thought I'd get to stay through February but no, apparently not. Because who doesn't love getting news like that while tired and depressed and being sure they'll fail their exams in December so it won't be worth it to come back, might as well die.

I've been trying to find a place for months but it's absolutely hopeless and I don't even think I'll pass the exams, it's true. So I shouldn't even bother, I'll just go on as usual and if I can't find a place for after the time I need to be out then I should just kill myself and stop wasting time and space. It's just a win/win situation for everyone, really.

Maybe it's a sign that it's getting to be the time to just get it over with?

 

[Ness]

I hate being pressured into recovery, I don't want to "get better". I don't want to spend the rest of my life suffering and faking smiles so people can feel good about stopping me from killing myself. I don't want to be "bullied into self-care". All of this just makes me want to self-harm and I'm so tired of it all. I'm almost a decade older than you, so why can't you realize that I've tried life and I didn't like it. Leaving should get to be my choice.

Threatening self-harm to make me do self-care will guilt me into trying, it's true, but how do you think I'll feel when I fail and you do hurt yourself? How do you think I feel knowing I'll fail? I can't take that kind of responsibility, it just makes me want to leave for good. You and life.

I'm so tired of advice and reasons that supposedly make life worth living, you don't know what my life is like so just stop already. I'm tired of pretending to be alright to protect you.

 

[Ame]

Hello, I hope that you don't mind me leaving a reply here. From your post you seemed to have endured a lot of pain and hardship. I'm sorry that you are at this point in your life but I hope that you can find even a little relief posting about your frustrations here. People sometimes resort to desperate measures in order to prevent others from hurting themselves, but what this person is doing is rather manipulative. Threatening to self-harm if you do not acquiesce to their wishes is never appropriate. I can only imagine that you feel terribly conflicted right now. You have enough to deal with on your own without worrying about what others will do.

I'm really sorry about everything.

 

[Ness]

Hello, I hope that you don't mind me leaving a reply here. From your post you seemed to have endured a lot of pain and hardship. I'm sorry that you are at this point in your life but I hope that you can find even a little relief posting about your frustrations here. People sometimes resort to desperate measures in order to prevent others from hurting themselves, but what this person is doing is rather manipulative. Threatening to self-harm if you do not acquiesce to their wishes is never appropriate. I can only imagine that you feel terribly conflicted right now. You have enough to deal with on your own without worrying about what others will do.

I'm really sorry about everything.

Thank you, I don't mind people replying. I'm just really tired and trying to get it off my chest, getting to put it in words kind of helps because I want to say it to them but I can't, so I end up here.

 

[Ness]

I'm so frustrated at people who make me feel fucking guilty for complimenting them because oh no! That's very unusual! Life sucked before so you can't possibly compliment me now! Don't you dare say nice things to me like a normal person who cares about me!

Screw that. You're all such fucking children about all of this and I refuse to accept this guilt for being nice. You're always pushing me to accept the nice things you say and joining in with the others so you'd better learn that what comes around goes around and that damn well includes kindness. I am done feeling bad about returning the affection and you can just stuff your denials straight back to hell. Especially if you get a friend to show up to scold me for it while you log off like a coward. Tell me you don't want me to talk to you yourself for fucks sake.

I am so tired of people who act kind and like they care only to turn around and call me a liar and siccing their friends on me or just outright refusing to talk to me without actually telling me they're done with me in their lives. If you don't like me, just say so. I can take it, I'm an adult.

 

[Ness]

Lately, I've been extra tired of life. I've cut myself, hit myself, picked scabs open to bleed again, tested traffic repeatedly, gone into an alley in the darkness, refused to communicate with people as much as I could get away with, called myself every insult I could come up with, laid in bed and thought about all the things life decided I needed to experience that I wish I hadn't, contemplated outright opening my window and climbing on the sill before dropping down head first... The list keeps going and I'm not sure if it's going to get worse or better from here.

I keep thinking that I knew it, that I win, when people don't contact me to check in on me despite my pulling away. The less people who talk to or about me, the more right I am and the more justified I feel at thinking I'm not worth it. I'm constantly wondering if I should really bother, if I should just stop making promises because I can't even keep them when I try to.

I'm absolutely hopeless as a person or even just in general and I can't figure out how people can be so blind that they don't see how much I'm faking all of it.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I can empathize with your pain man. Even the thought of recovery is painful because it seems like such a mocking lie. I just think to myself I've reached the end of the road and it seems to be just a cold harsh fact of reality. I have pulled myself out of some deep dark pits of despair in the past and gotten better but this time feels different. I don't have any fight left in me to combat this misery anymore and now I just want to die to put an end to this suffering.

 

[Ness]

I can empathize with your pain man. Even the thought of recovery is painful because it seems like such a mocking lie. I just think to myself I've reached the end of the road and it seems to be just a cold harsh fact of reality. I have pulled myself out of some deep dark pits of despair in the past and gotten better but this time feels different. I don't have any fight left in me to combat this misery anymore and now I just want to die to put an end to this suffering.

Yeah, that's how I feel too.

 

[Ness]

I can tell today will be exhausting and I woke up mere minutes ago. To the news that my childhood home, of which my mom still owns, burnt down. I've yet to hear who or what started the fire and I'm not sure I want to, I'm already going to be distracted during lesson and during the group meet-up to complete an assignment. Sure, I was already going to be distracted but now I can't even try to focus. I fell asleep late, too, after trying to talk to someone who knows how off the rails I am and acts very pro-life.

I wish I'd burned with the house.

 

[noctiva]

Hei Ness,
I'm sorry to hear about your hardships. I can fully relate to the feeling of constant exhaustion and tiredness. I don't know how to overcome that either. Interaction with people and having to pretend to please them is just making it worse, it's destroying me inside, draining all my energy. But it's not really acceptable to not do it either, so I'm trapped in the constant 'people-pleasing' followed by feeling even more empty and exhausted. Life expects too much from me, so death is the only thing that I see for myself as a valid way forwards. Depression has always come for me in waves, sometimes it's easier and then (especially towards winter here in the Nordic Countries) it gets unimaginable hard again. This 'wave' of depression is the hardest one that has hit me in a long time, if not the hardest one yet. And I feel you and @MisanthropicLycan, I don't want to pull myself back from the abyss over and over, I don't have the fight left for that.

I don't have a cat I've lost, but my dog died in 2016. The heartbreak over this still hurts excessively sometimes. When I come home, I still stand in the door for a few seconds wondering why he isn't coming to greet me. Not every day anymore, but on days where life's been exhausting.

 

[Ness]

Hei Ness,
I'm sorry to hear about your hardships. I can fully relate to the feeling of constant exhaustion and tiredness. I don't know how to overcome that either. Interaction with people and having to pretend to please them is just making it worse, it's destroying me inside, draining all my energy. But it's not really acceptable to not do it either, so I'm trapped in the constant 'people-pleasing' followed by feeling even more empty and exhausted. Life expects too much from me, so death is the only thing that I see for myself as a valid way forwards. Depression has always come for me in waves, sometimes it's easier and then (especially towards winter here in the Nordic Countries) it gets unimaginable hard again. This 'wave' of depression is the hardest one that has hit me in a long time, if not the hardest one yet. And I feel you and @MisanthropicLycan, I don't want to pull myself back from the abyss over and over, I don't have the fight left for that.

I don't have a cat I've lost, but my dog died in 2016. The heartbreak over this still hurts excessively sometimes. When I come home, I still stand in the door for a few seconds wondering why he isn't coming to greet me. Not every day anymore, but on days where life's been exhausting.

Thank you. I don't really know what to do anymore other than just give up.

 

[noctiva]

It's okay, I don't know what to do either. I went to therapy up to 3 weeks ago, but I don't have the energy to actually still GO there. After studies/ work I'm so empty, I just want to go home and crawl up in my bed. I can't get myself to still travel 20 minutes thataway, have a chat for 45 minutes and then travel 50 minutes home. I'm too empty for that. I asked for therapy via skype, so that I can go home and talk to someone in the safety of my own home without having to travel around for ages, but that's apparently not possible, so I had to drop it. I don't see any way forwards anymore anyway, so maybe it's better if someone who can be helped and is able to commute gets the therapy slot.
I've tried a lot of things over the years, journaling to figure out who I feel (I can't always tell), to figure out what gives me energy and what takes my energy, meditation, buddhism, reading psychology articles and books to learn about myself, my depression and my attachment disorder, but to be fair, non of it helps when I'm spiraling down. It might maybe prevent me from spiraling for a bit longer, but it doesn't help with the feeling of falling helplessly for weeks and weeks and weeks.
I'm sorry I cannot advice you any better, I am on this forum because I also do not know what to do anymore other than to give up. I don't see that I can change enough to go through this, over and over, or that I can learn methods to not cycle through my depression anymore.
But whatever you do, be kind to yourself, even if others do not show as much understanding and compassion towards you as you would need, allow yourself to be compassionate and understanding towards yourself.

 

[Ness]

It's okay, I don't know what to do either. I went to therapy up to 3 weeks ago, but I don't have the energy to actually still GO there. After studies/ work I'm so empty, I just want to go home and crawl up in my bed. I can't get myself to still travel 20 minutes thataway, have a chat for 45 minutes and then travel 50 minutes home. I'm too empty for that. I asked for therapy via skype, so that I can go home and talk to someone in the safety of my own home without having to travel around for ages, but that's apparently not possible, so I had to drop it. I don't see any way forwards anymore anyway, so maybe it's better if someone who can be helped and is able to commute gets the therapy slot.
I've tried a lot of things over the years, journaling to figure out who I feel (I can't always tell), to figure out what gives me energy and what takes my energy, meditation, buddhism, reading psychology articles and books to learn about myself, my depression and my attachment disorder, but to be fair, non of it helps when I'm spiraling down. It might maybe prevent me from spiraling for a bit longer, but it doesn't help with the feeling of falling helplessly for weeks and weeks and weeks.
I'm sorry I cannot advice you any better, I am on this forum because I also do not know what to do anymore other than to give up. I don't see that I can change enough to go through this, over and over, or that I can learn methods to not cycle through my depression anymore.
But whatever you do, be kind to yourself, even if others do not show as much understanding and compassion towards you as you would need, allow yourself to be compassionate and understanding towards yourself.

I think that being kind to myself is what I struggle with most. I just can't do it. I hope that you can, though.

 

[tiredofpain]

I'm so tired. I know it's 3 am and that it's late and that I should sleep but that's not the kind of tired that's chewing at me. I'm just tired. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings but I don't want to sleep either because sleeping means no control and what I wouldn't give for dreamless sleep and better days. For not being so tired and unfocused and sad. It's not easy to motivate myself to get up and get moving, to go to lectures even if I won't pay attention because at least I can record them and try again later then. Getting up to eat and hydrate is such a pain too but at least that's less of a walk.

And I shouldn't even complain because there's not really anything wrong other than just tiredness. But I'm tired of not getting to say it, of no one listening because I'm worried that they'll think - I don't know. Something negative. I'm unfortunately a people-pleaser, can't help but shut up and keep it in.

Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is right? That there's no point in even trying because it's not working, you're not getting anywhere. I get that all the time. When I'm coming home and sitting down to unpack my laptop. When I see people chat about their day and complaining about things I'd consider blessings like having their cat on their lap. Yeah, sure, it's hard to want to move even if you have to in cases like that but my cat is dead and if he'd been alive and on my lap I wouldn't have cared that I needed to go, I'd stay put for a while and pet him and let him know I love him because fuck, I miss him so much that every single time I think about him I just remember carrying his body to the car so we could take him home and bury him and it hurts.

Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. I've got aches and itching and exhaustion all screaming at me to just get it over with because anything has got to be better than this. Better than spending hours upon hours hurting at losses of those important to me, of remembering that one person who tried to deny me going to see my uncle before he died because apparently you're only allowed to mourn and leave to say goodbye when they're already dead. They don't matter before that and they don't matter unless they're your parents, siblings or children. It's like he couldn't comprehend that I actually gave a shit about my uncle and wanted to see him before he passed so he could die knowing I cared enough to come.

And fuck if that didn't remind me about my grandmum who also passed away from cancer only 5 years before and while I got to see her one more time before she died she wasn't capable of talking or anything and I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me. Or when I told them that I loved them.

I'm almost hoping for an afterlife after I ctb if only to tell them I love them. Even though I just want to stop existing.

I feel the same way.

 

[noctiva]

Compassion for yourself is difficult to learn, at least it is for me. I am far from having mastered it, so I am not in any position to give you advice!
I can tell you that it helps me to do some journaling, I often write down what I think and feel about myself and what I've failed at, and then I can take a step back and think 'Well, if my friend had told me that she had failed in this way, I'd tell her she hasn't failed at all at this, she did the best the could under the circumstances!' and that kinda helps already. If I can recognize it myself, it is a tiny victory and cuts me some slack from berating myself constantly.
I have not learned to talk to myself positively, it feels fake and artificial and I don't believe a word of it. But it's already okay if I recognize that I was talking to myself too negatively. That's a success for me, I know, not great, but okay.
Also, I've set myself time for myself, meaning even if I have something I still need to do for work or studies, if it's past 8 pm, I'm not going to do it. It's my time then, and I don't do anything at all that takes energy away from me. Even if I don't do anything but lie on the bed, even if I don't do regenerate energy, I at least make sure I don't lose any energy anymore after 8 pm. It doesn't always work, sometimes my bad conscience or some deadline really makes me do more stuff, but I try to keep it at least 4 of the 5 weekday evenings.
Being kind to yourself is a huge task and very hard to learn, at least for me. I grew up with a family where there was no praise for accomplishing anything, even if I did the task perfectly, my feedback was always that I could have been faster, smarter or better at fulfilling the task and that I was dumb for not recognizing this myself earlier. The fact that I fulfilled the set task didn't matter.
I've made some minor progress and I can allow myself to not do anything and do so without a bad conscience. Or at least, I could. I have lost the ability when I lost the person who gave me the strength and courage to learn to be better to myself. I really hope that you can learn for yourself to be kind to yourself. If not that, maybe start with tiny steps and just cut yourself some slack. It's better to tell yourself 'Damn it, I fucked up again, but it's okay' than to try to force to tell yourself overly positive bs you don't buy.
Sorry, that's a wall of text again, I don't know if it helps you at all. This time I close off with try to be kind to yourself, that can already be enough <3

 

[Ness]

I feel the same way.

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope we can both find some relief.

Compassion for yourself is difficult to learn, at least it is for me. I am far from having mastered it, so I am not in any position to give you advice!
I can tell you that it helps me to do some journaling, I often write down what I think and feel about myself and what I've failed at, and then I can take a step back and think 'Well, if my friend had told me that she had failed in this way, I'd tell her she hasn't failed at all at this, she did the best the could under the circumstances!' and that kinda helps already. If I can recognize it myself, it is a tiny victory and cuts me some slack from berating myself constantly.
I have not learned to talk to myself positively, it feels fake and artificial and I don't believe a word of it. But it's already okay if I recognize that I was talking to myself too negatively. That's a success for me, I know, not great, but okay.
Also, I've set myself time for myself, meaning even if I have something I still need to do for work or studies, if it's past 8 pm, I'm not going to do it. It's my time then, and I don't do anything at all that takes energy away from me. Even if I don't do anything but lie on the bed, even if I don't do regenerate energy, I at least make sure I don't lose any energy anymore after 8 pm. It doesn't always work, sometimes my bad conscience or some deadline really makes me do more stuff, but I try to keep it at least 4 of the 5 weekday evenings.
Being kind to yourself is a huge task and very hard to learn, at least for me. I grew up with a family where there was no praise for accomplishing anything, even if I did the task perfectly, my feedback was always that I could have been faster, smarter or better at fulfilling the task and that I was dumb for not recognizing this myself earlier. The fact that I fulfilled the set task didn't matter.
I've made some minor progress and I can allow myself to not do anything and do so without a bad conscience. Or at least, I could. I have lost the ability when I lost the person who gave me the strength and courage to learn to be better to myself. I really hope that you can learn for yourself to be kind to yourself. If not that, maybe start with tiny steps and just cut yourself some slack. It's better to tell yourself 'Damn it, I fucked up again, but it's okay' than to try to force to tell yourself overly positive bs you don't buy.
Sorry, that's a wall of text again, I don't know if it helps you at all. This time I close off with try to be kind to yourself, that can already be enough <3

It's alright, you're trying and it's nice to know there's some of us who can manage at least that.

I used to be praised for one specific thing and nothing else and that made me think I was good at that one thing but none of the rest. So I went to more schooling for that one thing and learned I was no good at it after all. Just for the age I was at the time. Meaning I'm no good at anything now.

-

I knew today was going to be bad. I just knew it.

Bad news keep coming in, y'all, and I'm struggling to make it work out but I just know I'm going to get complained at when I can't even do anything about it. I now have to move out of the place I live in a whole week before I thought I had to be out and that's also a whole day before I can move into my new place. That means having to ask my parents to come pick up my stuff and I after my exams and deliver me back after the new year and not only does that cost them money but I'll hear about it on and on and they'll complain about how they're not taxi drivers and so on like it's entirely my fault that this is happening.

And of course I've still yet to hear anything about mom's house so they might not even be able to afford to come get me and there's a limit to how much I can pay them.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I think that being kind to myself is what I struggle with most. I just can't do it. I hope that you can, though.

Being kind to yourself seems nearly impossible when you are your own worst enemy. I know that futile struggle all too well. It is like a never-ending war of mental battles that always end in extreme feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness for me. There is a loud and screaming voice of self-hatred inside of me that gets louder and louder by the day, driving me to self-destruction and an early grave. Fuck, I want a lobotomy or electro-shock therapy or something. I'll try anything at this point to get relief from my tortured mind and diseased brain.

We are the victims of corrupt genetics.

 

[Ness]

Being kind to yourself seems nearly impossible when you are your own worst enemy. I know that futile struggle all too well. It is like a never-ending war of mental battles that always end in extreme feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness for me. There is a loud and screaming voice of self-hatred inside of me that gets louder and louder by the day, driving me to self-destruction and an early grave. Fuck, I want a lobotomy or electro-shock therapy or something. I'll try anything at this point to get relief from my tortured mind and diseased brain.

We are the victims of corrupt genetics.

Sounds about right, yes.

 

[Ness]

Here I am again, forcefully held down by life and all the mistakes I'm constantly making. One would think I'd learn and just off myself already but nope, every day is a bunch of new (and old) mistakes and on and fucking on it goes until I don't know why I bother to even fucking try because I'm getting literally nowhere.

I wish I'd burned alive in my childhood home when it burned down earlier this month. At least it'd be over. I hate this life.

Thing is, I try to vent and rant and get all of this out like this but it always takes me time to get there - time and things boiling over in my life until I can't contain them at all - and in the end my go-to resource is cutting myself, or even just punching myself over and over. After all, punching myself is less likely to leave marks I can't explain away. Everyone knows I have poor balance, my many bloody knees is testament to that, so one more bruise is obviously just me being clumsy.

Funny, I could be abused by someone other than myself and no one would ever know.

 

[Ness]

Am I a bad person if I want to be negative for a little while as I vent? If I don't want people to go all "oh it's ok that's normal!"? I guess it's my fault for not specifically stating that I don't want advice or help, I just want to get it off my chest... I mean yeah, obviously I want people to see it and acknowledge that they've seen it, but I don't want an "it'll get better", I'm fine with just a "yeah I get that" or "I know the feeling" without it having to turn into a motivational thing.

I know life can get better and I know it's human to make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I feel any less stupid and it's not going to fix my mistakes.

Sometimes positivity from others really exhaust me when all I wanted was the simple understanding, I struggle to deal with my own emotions as is and people insisting that things can and will get better when I'm still stuck trying to deal with the now as opposed to even trying to think of the future, well, it really sucks. At least let me work through what I'm stuck on before loading the very idea of a future (which, by the way, I always find terrifying because I don't even want a future) onto my shoulders.