Venting I'm the kind of tired I can't explain

[Ness]

Why do I do this to myself, why can't I just get some motivation and follow through either way. I'm just sinking into nothing.

 

[Ness]

I fucking hate how I'm in my late 20s and I still get a pit in my stomach whenever my relatives fight while drunk, I hate that my childhood made me form a fear of drunk people. I hate how I used to get blackout drunk because it was the better option to what I grew up with and I hate how I quit drinking because that scared me just as much. I hate knowing that I can't have alcohol in my life because it always, always, always brings it all down and I hate knowing that alcohol is such a big part of the lives of pretty much everyone I've ever known.

 

[Ness]

I don't think I've told this story before (mainly because it happened a few months before I joined the site and since then I've mostly vented about things as they were happening or losses I was experiencing) but it's almost 3 years ago this month and I got reminded a few days ago. Usually I try to not think about it and forget again. For some reason the situation has been on my brain since I remembered and I just keep spiraling onto similar situations that also happened to me. Anyway, story (vent) time.

So I had a routine where I always took the same bus to and from work and would see the same people and bus drivers a lot. Every now and then the people would be people I actually knew who I'd talk to while on the bus (I get travel sick so it was a nice distraction and the polite thing to do when they start conversations). This translated into talking to the bus driver too every now and then, all of which were polite and good conversationalists despite my introverted nature and desire to be invisible. Fast forward to when I'm taking the bus home and there's no other passengers, the bus stops where I need to get off and the back door doesn't open. I can't remember why, if I thought it broke or, but I go up front instead. The front door doesn't open. The bus driver asks me for my number. This specific driver likes to talk to people sitting up front, which is something I avoid as much as I can while not sitting too far back to get more travel sick. So we had talked a few times before, but only about generic topics and I'd always been short with answers. But now the bus driver was asking for my number and deliberately not opening the door to let me leave.

I don't remember most of what I said but I know I gave at least 5 excuses as to why the bus driver needed to let me go and why I couldn't give my number. I sort of remember the driver being very doubtful of my words and insistent, I also don't remember what it finally took for me to be allowed out of the bus. I remember being extremely anxious to get home but not to walk too fast, because I didn't want the bus driver to remember the path I usually took, because my home was visible from the road as they drive past the bus stop.

I ended up changing my whole routine after work because I wanted to avoid the time this specific driver usually drove the bus (which I couldn't do in mornings, because there was only one bus early enough to get to work, but usually this was fine in that there was always lots of other people on the bus at the time), I'd feel cold every time I saw the bus driver at a time I wasn't expecting them to be driving and I'd spend the entire drive in the back feeling travel sick and anxious about it all.

I'm so grateful I don't live anywhere near there anymore, but I also can't get it out of my mind despite knowing I'll never see that bus driver again (hopefully, like a 99% chance).

And because my mind likes to spiral, I end up thinking about the other times someone has tried to force something from me in similar manners. Two of which a guy has outright asked to have sex with me, once in public on a train (very unfortunate, he would not leave me alone and followed me every time he saw me after that time - I took that train a lot for school and he appeared to actually live by the stop I needed to get off in mornings) and once in front of my bedroom (this one was worse because I'm supposed to feel safe in my own home, but I never do, and he has/had a girlfriend). Both of these were when I was like 16-18.

I've got more stories but they don't bother me as much as these do. And this is getting kind of long anyway. I'll likely regret sharing as I always do, but I'm kinda hoping all this will at least help me stop thinking so much about it.

 

[Ness]

Hi, I'm an absolute idiot and this is me posting in MY OWN vent thread to remind myself that THIS is my vent thread and not some other poor persons thread with a similar title that I may have mistaken for my thread. I'm so dumb, and blind, and tired. And I wish I was dead and gone and never had to think again, about dumb mistakes or anything at all. If there is some higher being out there, I've never asked you for anything so please do me this one favor and just erase me from existence along with every dumb thing I've ever done. Please and thank you.

 

[outrider567]

I'm once again just about done with all these bad, no good, awful fucking dreams (nightmares, let's be real). Seriously, the weirdness I can deal with, but the rest is just too much.

Witches in doll format appearing outta nowhere and being a pain (literally)? Fine. The undead being fast af and strangling me? Not so fine. Cousin chasing me with a knife? Annoying. People refusing to believe and/or help even while watching her do it? No thanks. My grandfather tryna kill my dad and maybe also me? Okay, kinda scary but not out of the usual kind of dream. Me, repeatedly stabbing him because he won't fucking stay dead? Bitch, fuck off.

And these aren't even the worst of them, really. I think those are the ones where I repeatedly get mortally wounded and should be dead but I just,,, keep living. With a bullet-wound in my head. Sometimes riddled with them. When unable to breathe because I drowned but also somehow I'm still walking around. It gets gorier, too, and I despise gore. It Bothers me with a capital B.

wow, your nightmares are worse than mine

 

[Ness]

wow, your nightmares are worse than mine

It's a constant problem, has been for a while, and genuinely getting up after waking is one of the hardest things I have to do every single day. Sometimes I just don't bother, I turn around in bed and stare at nothing until I pass out. Sometimes I don't have any more dreams, sometimes I do. And they're always, always, always awful.

 

[Ness]

I'm the absolute dumbest. I informed my professor at the start of the semester that I absolutely cannot physically show up in the classroom all semester and, when they put the exam info up without a place/classroom, somehow had my brain deciding that this meant I could do the exam at home. Well guess what! They updated it! There's a place now! My exam is on Friday! I live 8 hours away! Traveling is expensive!

I'm so fucking dumb.

My only solution is to say I'm sick and pray I can get over there for a re-take after summer. Which is great if it works out but will still cost money, will still be stressful and this whole thing is making me feel depressed because I was hoping to at least try this time so I could be DONE already. Because I have this exam and my stupid fucking bachelor thesis and then I'd be done. Finished. And I won't get a student discount on anything after summer. I hate this so fucking much.

I hate me. I hate my brain. I don't know why I didn't think to at least check with the professor.

 

[Ness]

All the little thing bothers me more because I'm feeling tired and stressed, so it just makes it worse even though it's not so bad. I can't even help it. It's so stupid and I don't understand why. Like, I get it that it works like that but I don't understand why I just can't be better at not letting things get to me. I'm the dumbest. I wish I wasn't such a problem.

 

[M.i.245541]

Don't be so hard on yourself

 

[Ness]

Don't be so hard on yourself

Easier said than done, I can't help the way I feel.

 

[Ness]

I want someone to notice, but I don't want them to know. I want someone to talk about it with, but I don't want anyone to figure it out. I want to not be alone, but I don't want any of them to understand. I want to admit to my wants, but I don't want anyone to worry about me. I want someone to care, but I don't want anyone to cater to my problems.

If I could tell someone and have them know, but not overreact to it, that'd be perfect. Just someone that would know and get it without feeling the same shit. Just someone that'd be old enough so I wouldn't feel like I was taking advantage of someone younger than me with their own shit to go through. But then the people near my age have problems too, so what right do I have to add to that. It's like no matter who I want to trust, no matter who I'd like to tell, I can't bring myself to do it because they've got their own issues, they've got their own shit to deal with. THey don't need to worry about me on top of that. And everyone else I've told have since either stopped talking to me or seems to have forgotten it entirely just because I don't mention it or talk about it all the time. Just because I act like a person outside of my desire to die. Like my desire to die should define all that I am or do or they don't believe I'll really do it or that I really feel that way.

I'm so tired of pretending that I'm okay, even if it seems like the best way to make people forget about me.

 

[Ness]

I gave up and sent in what I had on the thesis, it wasn't what I wanted to have which is the minimum in most places, but I just can't anymore. And if I fail, I'll just die. If I fail the thesis I won't bother retaking the exam I need and I won't redo the thesis and I'll just kill myself and be done.

I just want to be done. I'm not okay.

 

[Ness]

It's so frustrating that I just can't move on my own and just be. But I would need a place to live that's small and cheap and far away from people. I would need the strength to not keep in touch with anyone from my life. I would need a job to pay for the high power costs, the water, the living expenses. I would need money. And I would need the strength to not allow myself to get persuaded into moving back in with my parents. Again. For the nth time.

Every time I move out I tell myself it'll be the last time, and yet every time they keep telling me to move back. And I do. And every time I do, I get gaslit for living with them and not being able to pay any of the bills that they never asked me to help with and that they know I can't help with. They know I don't have a job, they know I won't be getting any more money to pay for schooling. They know I have to save for August in case I pass the bachelor, so I can go do the re-take of that one exam for the whole bachelor to qualify. They know all of this and they still do this to me. They asked me to come back knowing all of this and they still treat me as if I don't contribute. I literally just cleaned the kitchen, I help walk the dog. I am the only one that changes the sandbox for the cat, I am the one that buys the catfood and makes sure he has food and water, I am the one that bought all the cat toys. I am the one that has been buying all the little things they ask for when I go to the store and not having asked them for money back. I am the one giving everyone all my recycable bottles so some money can return into the household. I am the one that is careful in using too many electronics and lights and so on because I know it is expensive.

I am not the one that is constantly spending all the money on tobacco and alcohol and claiming we can't afford all the bills. I don't even drink and smoke, imagine how broke and how much I would rely on them if I did. I'm literally the smallest problem of the entire house.

 

[Ness]

So tired I could cry.

Mum just always gets so toxic about the bills like, if you need help with them you can just ask, you don't have to send 10 messages about how we need to move out or how we can't do this or that or how it's killing you and how no one in this house does anything except you- (which is also such an overexaggeration, personally I'm the only fucking one that empties the cats sandbox and puts in new sand and I'm the only one that keeps the water and food bowls for said cat filled, I also walk the dog every now and then which, while it isn't all that much, is more than the rest of the fucking house, and I randomly take care of the dishes, even the disgusting ones y'all leave in the sink, and I take the trash out whenever asked to or reminded that they'll pick it up soon, and I always ask if y'all need anything from the store if I go, and just today I sent money for the water bill even though y'all know I need to save for my trip in August for that 1 exam that will determine if I get a bachelor degree or nah)
Dad loves testing limits, I keep telling him that he needs to watch out to not let the pets outside and yet he opens doors and windows and says he doesn't give a fuck if the cat is outside all night, not his problem, like sir you're the asshole that let him out. At least get him back inside instead of expecting everyone to be awake to go looking for him whenever you feel is the right time to close the doors and windows. Fuck off. Tell us you hate us by just telling us you hate us, don't involve the pets in your bullshit. If you're doing it to piss us off, just find something else that doesn't risk the pets in any way.

 

[Ness]

If I could trade my life away for you to live, I would. You were a better person, you were stronger. You shouldn't have had to go, I would've taken your place if I could've. Fuck cancer.

 

[Ness]

I haven't been here in a while. Not because I didn't feel the need or because I didn't want to hurt, because I have wanted to hurt this entire time, but because I just haven't had the energy to complain. But I have my hopefully last exam coming up and I'm partly stressed but I'm also numb, like I don't really feel it but I know I am. I don't want to interact with anyone. But I have to. And people keep asking if I'm stressed about the exam, I have no choice but to say yes when I really want to say that I'm just numb and tired, I want it all to be over, it's not the stress doing me in but the numbness. But every time someone talks about the stress and how it'll all be over, I can't find the words to say it'll never be over. And everyone who talks about it to me are the people always shit talking themselves, so I can't really say much except to refute their bad opinion of themselves. I'm tired.

 

[Ness]

I want to die so much right now.

I want to be able to stop feeling guilty for not having money to pay my parents for every bill they're getting, even though I don't have a contract saying I need to and even though they have my brother who does and is giving money (or so he says, and mum says he isn't paying them, at this point I just don't know who is lying), even though they're spending so much money on alcohol just because they want to, even though I use the least amount of water and electricity in the whole entire house (those are the highest bills in the country right now, very expensive), even though they're the ones who keep asking me when I'm moving "back home" with them every time I've lived away for school, even though I'm the one providing for the cat while they're always complaining that no one contributes in this house.

I want to stop feeling responsible for making sure we all have a place to live when they're the ones that chose this house and they're the ones that aren't getting our old house rebuilt like they were supposed to, and they're the ones who keep saying that they can't afford all the bills with the money they're spending on alcohol and smokes instead. Money seems to rule everything with all my relatives, the less they all have to spend on bills the better. And I get it, they don't want to be poor, but neither do the rest of us and some of us don't have income right now. If she'd just asked me for money when I had income, I would've been able to give some. Now I don't have anything to give. And I have a big loan I need to start repaying in a few months.

I want to be able to wake up and not dread having to leave the bedroom for anything. I am trying so hard to save the little money I have right now, because I don't know when I'll be able to get more, and everyone in the house knows that. I barely have enough for food in the coming days. I'm literally buying my own food and things, I've bought things for them without asking for money back. I have been contributing the only ways I could, but unless I specifically say a million times in written form all the things I've done for them? They just outright forget. The amount of times I've heard them say no one else does shit despite the things I do in the house (right in front of them or not) is several times a week. Every week. Every month. All year long.

I am so tired.