untildeathdousapart
Member
- Dec 2, 2023
- 33
It's been around a year and a half since my best friend took her own life, at a place where she kept me from jumping only a few months prior. It's been too long and I'm terrified. I know it's inevitable, at one point she will be nothing more but a hollow memory. But I'm truly, geniunely scared of forgetting her and all her tiny habits. The nicknames she gave me, the little bracelets she made - everything about her. She's all I ever think about, not in a weird obsessive way, just in a I-miss-my-best-friend way. We were able to talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes we sat at a lake that was nearby, we smoked a cigarette and listened to music and laughed about stupid things.. I miss it so damn much. The pain feels unbearable. I've tried to ctb twice since, but miserably failed. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just have a peaceful way to die when I've been suicidal for so long? I keep dreaming about her, or things I associate with her. I've also dreamt multiple times how I'd ctb and waking up from those dreams felt like my personal hell. I've been to multiple therapists, inpatient stays and went through 5 antidepressants but people still tell me that there's more I should try before giving up. I'm tired of hearing that, when is it enough? Always getting told that I can't hurt the people around me by ctb'ing, but what about me? I never asked to be alive, I never asked for all of this. I really don't want to be alive anymore.
